CHAPTER III - FALLING WATER

Maggie Rogers

Hold on I thought that I was doing so well,

Oh, I like everything was under a spell

Now it's getting harder.

I never loved you fully in the way I could,

I fought the current, running just the way you would

And now I'm in a creek.

And it's getting harder

I'm like falling water.

"It's not working," Lissa exhales as she flops into the chair next to me in a manner that was anything but regal. She buried her face in her hands, agitation and concern rang through the bond.

The nurses had only let one person in Adrian's room at a time, so I sat in the waiting room with Serena and Logan. This waiting room was much nicer than the last one, the walls were mint colored and the windows had light fixtures to simulate sunlight through a frosted glass.

Adrian practically had a ward to himself, with a team of hospital staff on-call for his needs.

"Why wouldn't it work?" I briefly wondered if Lissa was on a new medication, but I checked and there was nothing new there.

"I don't know. The wound on his head is gone now, but I was hoping he'd wake up. I can heal plants and animals, I can bring you back from the dead, I can restore Strigoi, but I can't wake him up." She sighed heavily.

I placed my hand on her back and rubbed in soothing circles. I didn't know what to say, using spirit is always our last hope for fixing broken things.

She sighed, "His aura is fine, not that there should be anything wrong with it. It's kind of muted, which is normal for people when they're asleep."

"Yeah but he's not sleeping, he's in a coma." I said, feeling empty.

"Same thing, isn't it?"

I dropped my hand and fell back into my chair, my head bounced off the head as I did so. Silence overtook the waiting room. Lissa was thinking, puzzling out different explanations that could make sense. I was thinking of something that could be done that Spirit can't do.

Serena broke the quiet, "Maybe this is a good sign... Maybe this means he doesn't need to be healed because he's alright," she looked at me hopefully. "Maybe he just needs more time."

"Let's hope so," I said encouragingly but my heart wasn't in it.

I couldn't shake the feeling that this wouldn't end well, because it never has in the past. The people closest to me get hurt, that's a fact.

Lissa called it quits for the day, and promised to try again tomorrow. I told her not to wear herself out. Lissa and her guardians got up to leave so I followed them out. If I stayed with Adrian, his parents would inevitably show up, and I would rather not be here - alone - when they do.

I would visit him again later, but right now I just want to be alone.

It had been mere hours since the crash, but it was easy to miss Adrian, and not even as my boyfriend. I miss my friend, and I was afraid for him. There was that easy way we used to be around each other when we'd hang out at the academy. Back then, the talk and the rumors didn't get to us, we were just two people who could make each other laugh.

Everything with Adrian had felt so normal then, like I was a human teenage girl. He didn't always get my heart racing, but after the trauma of Siberia even boring moments felt safe and I was happy taking things slow with Adrian. I was comforted by the calm he brought to my life.

Occasionally the four of us would sneak out to the woods after classes and have bonfires - Lissa and Christian would always leave first so Adrian and I could stay by the fire and spend time alone together.

One of those nights Adrian and I sat side by side on a log with my legs draped over his. I was slightly sore from training with Alberta that week and it felt nice to kick back with a blanket wrapped around me. Adrian and I took turns sipping from a bottle of Tuborg, not by preference, but it's what we had.

In my memory Adrian had just tipped his head back in laughter at something I said, and I noticed how his hair swayed with the movement he made.

"So tell me this, Little Dhampir," he started with a conspiratal tone as I pulled the bottle from my lips. "If you lived in the human world, better yet, if you were human, forget about dhampirs, Moroi, all that stuff. What would you do?"

It wasn't the first time I'd heard that question; it's one of those ice-breakers that people use when large groups of students gather. I always just gave sarcastic responses. But Adrian was asking me sincerely, so I pondered my answer as I looked at the embers.

"I'm not sure. I guess I would work whatever odd jobs to make a living. There's nothing I want to do besides being Lissa's guardian, but if I couldn't do that I would just want to be comfortable. Keep my friends around, have a good time and all that." I finished with a shrug. Adrian seemed pleased with my answer. I nudged his shoulder, "So what would you do?"

"Sell my art," he said automatically. "If people would buy it. I would open a studio and teach people how to paint and draw. And in the evenings the studio would be full of adults drinking wine and we'd have nude models posing for us," he wagged his eyebrows suggestively at me and placed his hand on my hip. I giggled and leaned in closer to him.

"Tired of being a Lord? Thought a lot about leaving the vampire world behind, have you?" I teased.

Adrian's smile turned sad, and I realized Adrian was showing me a vulnerable side to him. "I have."

I waited patiently while he took a couple breaths to gather his thoughts. "We're so far removed from all these great things out there in the world. There's so much to do and see. I've lived in Montana for months now and I haven't ever been to a ranch. I've been to so many states, but I'm only allowed to go to college towns that have a Moroi population, never the major cities," he sighed deeply.

"Like, I love beer but I've never been to a brewery. And the museums. I want these simple experiences. And I want to do more with my art but my family doesn't… get that. And if I went to live with humans I could be far away from their politics."

He rolled his eyes and chuckled, and I could tell he was trying to brush off how much this truly bothered him. I wanted to comfort him but I didn't know what to say, so I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair. He smiled at me warmly and leaned down to kiss my forehead.

"Don't worry, Little Dhampir," the firelight glowed on his face. "I'm not running away anytime soon. And you'd be welcome to come with me when I do."

It was memories like that which remind me that Adrian deserved better than me.

Guardian Rosemarie Hathaway,

SUMMONS / NOTICE TO APPEAR

YOU ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO APPEAR ON THE FOLLOWING DATE, TIME:

Guardian HQ Building, Royal Court, Virginia. Friday, 17 July at 0030.

Your testimony has been requested in the small chambers. You will give your statement regarding the events of: 18 June, Dimitri Belikov's Claim of Transformation. Failure to report will result in immediate termination and loss of your title.

Signed: HGC Hans Croft

I woke up on Thursday in a bad mood. Not because of everything tumbling and crashing down around me, but because on Thursday's I had to work at the reception desk of guardian headquarters.

I started drinking coffee because of Thursdays.

I brought the summons paper that had been slipped under my door with me. I was not happy about being dragged into this again, and during my lunch break! The thing is, I already gave my witness statement, and in all the chaos of last month I was probably questioned by three separate people.

I waited for an opportunity to go to Hans' office and set this all straight, but when I finally snuck away from the desk he couldn't be found. The hours dragged and by the time my shift ended and I was starved, the last thing on my mind was the summons.

I went to the large dining hall, where I could fill up a cardboard box with anything from the buffet and take it back to my apartment to eat in peace. As I walked in I saw Ambrose and my sour mood eased up slightly. I took out my headphones and closed the distance between us.

The last time I saw Ambrose we were outside on a bright sunny day. Most of the court should have been asleep, but there was a spectacle happening on the quad, there was a known Strigoi that didn't burn in the sun and lacked fangs.

"Hey! Glad to see you're okay," he said as he gave me a fistbump. He wore a thin layer of golden eyeliner which complimented his natural tan and black hair. He had fresh bite marks on his neck which sent a shiver down my spine.

My smile faltered, "You heard about the accident, already?"

His eyebrow quirked up. "Everyone's heard. It's been two days, and news travels fast here. Tatiana's nephew is in a coma. That's some big news."

I nodded. I hadn't heard from Daniella at all since the crash. And I hadn't been to the hospital to see Adrian yet but I was going to stop by after I ate. Not one of Adrian's family or friend's reached out to me after the crash. At least I didn't have to pretend to still be his girlfriend around them until he woke up.

Lissa and Adrian were the only ones who knew that Adrian and I were no longer a couple, but we didn't even get to finish breaking up. It felt weird keeping something like that to myself when the people around me asked how I was doing, and if there had been any changes in my boyfriend's state. My forehead was no longer bandaged, a large scab had already formed, and I knew I would have a shiny new scar when it fell off. I wouldn't let Liss heal me, especially since she keeps trying to use her magic to wake up Adrian.

"Anyway, it's been a while. You look good, still working in the offices with Hans?"

"For Hans," I corrected. "I hardly see him," I said dejectedly. How am I supposed to get into someone's good graces if that person is never there?

"Hey, I'm sure it's only temporary. Stay on good behavior and they'll get you an assignment soon."

"Yeah well, I'm not holding my breath for that. How've you been?"

"Good, good. Not much new going on. The spa is always extra busy in summer so I've been making plenty of money," he ran his fingers through his hair. He should have been on a sunny beach somewhere, modeling as a lifeguard and posing for calendars.

"My aunt's making bank too, funnily enough people are more in tune with their spiritual sides when it's warm outside."

"Rhonda? How is she?"

His face lit up when I mentioned her by name. "She's doing great, she actually asked me about you a while ago. Do you want to go see her? She can give you a reading again."

I pondered it for a moment. The last reading I got wasn't positive, but I don't deny the cards turned out to be eerily accurate. It wasn't a matter of if I believed in the cards this time - it was a matter of whether I wanted to know what they would have to say.

Ambrose sensed my uncertainty and grinned, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and leading me away from the food court. My stomach objected, but I let Ambrose take me away. "C'mon, I know you want to. Bad insight is still insight."

"Maybe I like being kept in the dark," I grumbled.

"Nonsense. How would you prepare for the worst then?"

I shook my head. "That's just it, you can't prepare. Shit just happens."

"Amen to that. But my aunt still wants to see you, so ready or not you're getting insight. Besides, tarot is about offering advice and guidance, so if we see something dark approaching, you may still have time to change it."

He led me down the familiar corridors towards Rhonda's room. We walked through the beaded curtain and I was immediately embraced by the smell of jasmine, though it was stronger than I thought necessary.

We found the vrăjitoare lighting candles with a Bic lighter and I suppressed a laugh. All this performance magic and she still uses lighters. Even an air user could light their own candles. She looked just as I remembered her, voluminous curls of black pushed back with a red band of silk, gold hoops dangling from her ears, and a sharp, piercing gaze that made me feel naked.

"Rose!" she exclaimed, reaching forward and wrapping both of her warm hands around one of mine. She flashed me a toothy grin, showing off her fangs. "I'm glad Amrose brought you here. You look good, dear. I've been wanting to do another reading for you."

"You have?" I asked politely.

"Since your last visit I can't stop thinking about you and your friends. I have to admit," she let my hands go and cast her eyes to the ground sheepishly. "I've done one or two readings for you since then. I usually don't do readings for others unknowingly, it's not becoming, but I was too curious to help it. And I worry about you."

"Hey, I don't go looking for trouble, it finds me." My heart swelled at the mention of her worrying about me. I hardly knew her, yet it was nice to know that she cared.

She erupted in a laugh that shook her belly, "You are the trouble, my dear. You are a walking, talking, ball of chaos." I could hardly take offense when she was so good natured, and it's not like I don't agree with her.

She gestured for the three of us to sit on the cushions on the floor. I took in the room as I crossed my legs on the cushion. The small room was pentagon-shaped, and all five walls were covered in curtains of a deep red fabric. There were no windows, and a Turkish chandelier made of golden metal cast a dim light on us. Pillar candles had been arranged all around the room in a stylishly haphazard way, most of them sitting in trios of different heights.

Two low-rising tables were placed on either side of Rhonda, they were covered in thin cloth with pentagrams printed on them. On the tables were stones of all shapes and hues, and an incense burned letting off a steady stream of smoke. I wondered how much of this actually helped with her fortune-telling, or if it was just for show.

The tarot deck was already in her hands, and she began shuffling smooth as a Vegas table dealer as she spoke. "I was surprised to hear that you were in the car with Lord Ivashkov when he crashed."

"Why's that?" Everyone knew about our relationship, he is the queen's nephew after all.

She pursed her lips, I glanced at Ambrose to find him smirking. "My aunt has been too nosy for her own good."

"Oh hush," she scolded playfully, redirecting her gaze to me. "One of the readings I did for you was when I'd first heard that you and him started dating. A simple three card draw. You got the three of cups -"

"A sign of strong friendship and moral support," Ambrose interjected. Rhonda nodded sagely.

"The lovers…"

"I think that one's obvious," Ambrose said.

"And three of swords."

"Which is a sign of trauma and heartbreak in a romantic relationship."

I laughed a little nervously, "Wow, besides the last one that actually sounds like a great reading. What's the problem with moral support and healing?"

Rhonda chewed her lip, looking slightly uncomfortable. Ambrose answered for her again, "The first two were in reverse."

"Oh," I could only guess what that meant.

"With cards like that, we weren't expecting you two to last this long. It must be a pretty toxic relationship," he said. I looked at my hands intertwined in my lap.

"Ambrose!" Rhonda chided, appearing scandalized by her nephew. He blushed, as if he just realized he'd said those words aloud to me. "Sorry. Like my aunt said, doing readings for others is an invasion of privacy."

"Well, it didn't start out that way, I don't think, but the cards were right in any case," I said. I don't know why I felt the need to confirm it to them, but if the prediction was correct they deserved to know as much.

Rhonda stopped shuffling and the two looked at me with pity. "I am sorry."

I waved my hand in the air to cut her off, thinking I shouldn't have said anything. "It's okay, I don't want to talk about it."

She nodded in understanding and spread the cards before me. She closed her eyes and hovered her hand over the deck, moving her hand as if being pulled by the air. She chose each card carefully, allowing her hand to hover over one spot for a long while as if questioning, before pulling the card or moving on to another area of the deck.

Once she had three cards she opened her eyes again and flipped the cards over, sliding them over to me so I could get a look. This deck was not like the last one I remember her using. The imagery was in a completely different style.

The first card was upside down from the reader's perspective. The queen of elixirs. There was a glass bottle with a skeleton on the label, it said BEAUTY POTION and there were pink peonies wrapped around the bottle.

The second card, the moon, showed the back of a skull, above that was a halo made of connected vertebral bones and purple lilies.

And the last card was the eight of elixirs. There were eight potion bottles depicted on the card; the two largest bottles were labeled LET GO POTION and WAKE UP POTION. There were violet and purple cosmos flowers.

I thought the cards were pretty, if not a little macabre. I looked up at Rhonda but she was still studying the cards before us with a sly smile on her face. I took that as a good sign, since the cards gave me no indication if they were bad omens or not.

She looked at me with her eyebrows raised. "I have to say this is better than I had hoped for."

"And what were you hoping for?"

She gave me a mysterious smile but didn't answer. She tapped the first card, the reverse queen of elixirs. "This is the queen of cups, same thing as elixirs. This deck is just a little different. Now there are two possibilities for this card showing up," she explained.

I was shocked that she was going to give me a full interpretation, unlike last time when she just gave the three of us short prophetic statements and sent us on our way.

"The queen here either represents yourself or someone in your life. Given the other two cards in your spread," she waved her hand over the moon and the eight of elixirs.

"I think it's safe to say the queen represents you. You are perceptive and have deep rooted intuition but you have been ignoring it. Why? You've suppressed your own needs and desires... perhaps for the sake of others," she posed the last statement like a question but her tone became firm when she added. "You need to stop doing that."

Her hand traveled to the moon card. "The moon, a powerful major arcana card," she said as if it were obvious. "Like I said, trust your intuition. You have heightened emotions but the negative has been weighing out the positive. You have denied yourself the pleasures of life. I also see something waiting in your subconscious, perhaps a memory you must reconnect with or a realization you must accept," she moved to the eight of elixirs.

"These things have been holding you back, but they don't have to. To put it simply, you're being held back by the things that haunt you dear, and it is time to move on. You are not a force to be reckoned with when you are stuck."

She leaned back and observed me with a pleased look on her face. I opened and closed my mouth. I felt myself frowning. This reading was worse than the last one.

I look over at Ambrose. "Is this some kind of ploy? Did Lissa put you up to this?"

Ambrose seemed confused, "Why would Princess Dragomir ask me to bring you here?"

The vrăjitoare chuckled. "Isn't that obvious? The princess is concerned for her friend's mental health, and we just wrote Rose a referral for therapy."

"You didn't say anything about therapy!" I cry out.

"Well it wouldn't hurt you, in any case," she shot back.

I had no response for that.

"Shall I pull one more card? A fourth may add more clarity and enhance the message," she added, more kindly.

It caught me off guard and even more surprisingly I found myself nodding at her.

Her hand hovered again and selected a fourth card. She flipped it and slid it across the carpet to me. "The two of coins."

This card showed two pentacles with anatomically correct hearts depicted on them. One coin was surrounded by yellow marigolds, and the other one violet marigolds.

"Reversed," I contribute.

"Indeed."

"So does it add clarity?" I asked eagerly, the sincerity of it shocked me.

Her demeanor changed at the appearance of this card. She seemed more puzzled by this card and I found, strangely, that it made me feel better to see how seriously she took this.

"An inexperienced reader would look at this card and see that you've been knocked off balance and that is what's blocking you from moving on. That you need to organize and plan. Which isn't untrue, but…"

"But you're an experienced tarot reader," I say.

"Very, and I'm good," she said with no hint of ego, her black curls bouncing as she nodded her head.

"So what does this card tell you?"

She took a deep breath and when her eyes met mine I felt pinned under her searching gaze.

"The card alone is not concerning, it's when it shows up next to two elixir cards and the moon that I worry." She said this like I knew what the significance was, like I was an insider.

"There is someone else, someone else that this reading is meant for. You are not the only one involved here. You're both stuck. It's not about organizing but communicating."

I thought for a moment about the conversation with Lissa in my apartment. "Lissa, I have a bond with her."

Her eyes narrowed at me, still searching for something. "No. I don't think it's the princess."

I kept my gaze on the cards. I knew who she meant but I wouldn't say it out loud.

"Then how do I get unstuck, and how do I keep this other person uninvolved?"

She pressed her lips together in a flat line. Beside me, Ambrose shifted, "My aunt can't answer those questions, not when the reading is so personal. She's not a clairvoyant." He sounded amused, too, which only flared my annoyance.

"What is that supposed to mean? Last time you predicted that I would kill Strigoi and that Lissa would be a great leader. This reading is completely different, you want me to go on some journey to my subconscious and stop suppressing my desires? What kind of prophecy is that?"

Rhonda pushed the two elixir cards closer to me. "The suit of elixirs is all about emotions and relationships. You got two in one reading, which means your emotions rule supreme now, and they are responsible for any falls as well. Emotions are a dangerous realm to be stuck in.

"I recall last time you had cards from the suit of wands. That suit regards pursuits and adventures; your life's physical journeys and trials. Your last reading was very much about the things you would do. This reading here is about the things you feel, which is just as important."

I bit my lip and nodded, unsure of what to say. Her and Ambrose chuckled. "It's always a lot to take in," Ambrose commented.

Rhonda collected the cards and held them out to me expectantly. "And the more you practice, the more it makes sense," she added.

I held up my hands, "No, I couldn't. I don't know how to read them."

She pushed her hands forward, a persistent look on her face. "You'll learn. Ambrose, grab that guidebook for Rose, won't you dear?"

She placed the deck in my hands and wrapped her hands around mine just as she had done when I entered the room. I felt something cool and rough between our hands. "The book will tell you how to care for the deck and how to do some basic readings. If you're ever having trouble, come to me and I'll do what I can to help you."

She released my hand as Ambrose came back with a thin book. I looked down and saw that she had placed an amethyst stone in my hands along with the deck, I hadn't even seen her grab it.

I didn't want to be rude, so I would accept her gifts even though I was sure I would never use them. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me dear, just take care of yourself."

Ambrose took me back to the dining hall and we ate together. Ambrose was full of gossip from court. I couldn't contribute much, but I was happy to listen. He put his number in my phone and texted himself from it. After we finished eating and had made plans for the next week, he walked me all the way to the hospital before saying goodbye.

On the sixth floor of the nicest hospital room I had ever been in, the monitors beeped at a steady pace and Adrian breathed softly. I brushed my hand against his but I looked out the window down at the very courtyard I had manicured weeks ago.

I still found it hard to look at him. There was nothing here I could do, but it felt wrong to be somewhere else and leave him alone.

"Rose."

I turned to see Daniella Ivashkov at the foot of the bed. I didn't notice her walk in even though she wore heels. She had on a pressed pantsuit in a deep burgundy shade and her leather handbag hung delicately on her arm. "I was wondering when I'd run into you." She said softly, her eyes roamed over me, assessing the damage, or looking for a lack of damage. She seemed tired, the powdering of makeup couldn't hide the dark circles under her eyes. Her painted lips were slightly pursed, but I couldn't get a read on her, or tell if she was angry with me.

"Lady Ivashkov, I-"

"It's Daniella, you know that. Has there been any change?" Her eyes left me to assess her son now. She had the same perfect features as her son.

"No, the nurse was here 15 minutes ago and everything is normal. The same, I mean."

She nodded absently.

"Adrian and I broke up."

It was the wrong thing to say. In any circumstance this was the wrong way to announce it, but the words surfaced before I could stop them, like I knew she would be able to see it on my face if she searched hard enough.

I couldn't take it back now.

She took a deep breath, still looking at Adrian. "I see. Yet you're still here."

"I'm still here." I said.

She sat on one of the plush visitor chairs and leaned her head back to gaze at the ceiling. "I was counting the days till it would be over. And now it is."

"Yes," I confirmed softly.

She hummed. "I suppose it's all for the best. I know that's not what Adrian wanted."

Tears rose up unbidden and stung my eyes when I squeezed them shut to trap them in.

"You fared okay in the accident." She remarked coolly.

"I did everything I could for him," I practically snapped. Daniella was undermining me, and I knew I would be evicted soon.

"I'm sure you did," her tone was full of ice now. "And now you're done helping him. We will take care of him now."

"Daniella -"

"I want you to leave." She said slowly, emphasizing each word.

I kissed Adrian's head and silently promised I would come to see him again.

Later, I thought of my tarot reading.

She said I have good intuition, but that word didn't feel right. Intuition isn't what guided me in the most challenging moments of my life. When I strike at a Strigoi that's barreling at me and when the ones I love are in danger, that's not intuition. It's something much more basal, rooted deep in me.

And then there was all the crap about giving in to desires. Don't we all? Besides, I've been taking care of myself for months now, and doing a good job of it thank you very much.

I wish I could write it off and dismiss the whole thing as a sham, like I wish I could shake an intrusive thought. My fingers are twisted in a tight knot. She saw this bond too. That's the second person to tell me I'm tied to Dimitri.

And she knew about Adrian. I swallowed a lump thinking about him. I didn't know how bad the relationship was until it was ending, and she spotted it without ever meeting him or seeing us together.

A heavy breath escaped me. She was also right about therapy, I have to admit. I haven't had any sort of counseling since before I left the academy, so… it's been 4 months. And a lot has happened in that time.

I don't know if I'm ready to talk to another therapist, but I can do something to help me sort my head for now.

I opened a box of my school stuff and dug around for a notepad and then I had to go through several more boxes before I found a working pen. I put the paper and pen on the couch and hunted down a glass to fill with wine. I connected my phone to the speaker and hit shuffle play, Hold No Grudge by Lorde was up first.

I set the wine on the floor next to me and curled up on the couch and began.

16 July

Dear Diedre,

AN: The tarot deck Rose is given is the Antique Anatomy Tarot designed by Claire Goodchild.