A/N: Text message conversation with Bella (in italics) and Edward (plain text)
So, initial thoughts after gardening? Did it make you think of anything interesting?
I think I was surprised how scared I was to get muddy.
You weren't.
No, I was always a tomboy as a kid, climbing trees,
falling down and making mud pies.
You still fall down.
HEY!
Anyway. I draw the line at
going fishing with Charlie though.
The bait is so gross.
I doubt I'd enjoy that much either. I don't like wriggly things.
I'm not scared of them, but I just prefer not to be
near something if it's wriggling.
Same.
How about you Bella, what are your impressions after planting the bulbs?
It made me think about time passing,
and how all of this stuff is happening when we aren't
looking. Like how time moves forwards whether or
not we're ready for it to.
That's very true.
Do you feel like you're not ready then?
In some ways I am impatient for high school
to be over, in others it feels scary because I don't
know enough to be an adult, I still feel like a kid inside.
There are so many milestones I haven't even reached yet.
Such as?
I've never had a job, I've never taken a roadtrip without mom,
I've never been on a date or kissed anyone.
Normal stuff that most eighteen year olds have done, ya know.
Sorry TMI (facepalm emoji)
Do you want a job?
Not especially, but I feel it's a rite of passage.
I'm busy enough with school and picking up after Charlie
though. It's not like I have enough time to get bored.
How about a roadtrip. Where would you go and who would you go with?
I used to take roadtrips with my mom all the time,
but I'd like to take one with Angela, go and do
something dumb and fun like see the world's biggest
ice cream cone or something. Or go to the beach in
California and get out of the rain for like 2 seconds.
That'd be nice. I miss the sun.
I've been on some roadtrips, mostly by myself though. I love driving.
I figured.
You did?
Yeah, your family are big into cars, right?
You noticed that, huh.
It's difficult to miss.
So the other stuff?
What other stuff?
Well you don't want a job, you do want to
take a roadtrip, what about the other stuff?
Ohhhhhh
Well of course I want that, but only with the right person.
Mike Newton likes you.
Yes, he has made that very, very clear.
I thought you liked him.
Not like that! Anyway Jessica's got it bad for him. And you.
Uhhhhhh
Don't tell me you don't know she has a crush on you.
I do. It is just terrifying. Sometimes I see her staring at my elbows.
She has a thing for your elbows, she says they're cute and
well, anyway
Don't you like her? Jess is cute.
I fear for the safety of my elbows. Jessica can be quite... forthright
Regardless, we don't have any common interests.
I see.
But don't you want to do that ✨other✨stuff✨too Edward?
It's complicated.
It is?
Yes. I don't want to hurt anyone, so it's better if I just keep to myself.
Why? How would you hurt someone?
Well, for a start I haven't been close to anyone since
my parents died. I'm awkward and I always
say the wrong thing. I have a lot of
'emotional baggage' I think, that's what Alice says.
Well, everyone is a work in progress.
You shouldn't close yourself off just because you
think that. It will stop you growing and meeting
someone you want to grow for.
I don't know who I am though.
You're 17, none of us do! Not really.
Do you know who you want to be?
In some ways, yes. I want to be someone braver,
more considerate, I would like to know how to
make other people laugh and how to relax more,
I think you can become those things. You're trying to, right?
I am. Do you know who you want to be?
I don't know what I want to do with my life,
but I do know some things, I know what
I don't want more clearly I think.
What don't you want?
I don't want to spend my life pushing papers around a desk.
I don't want to be a housewife, not that there's anything wrong
with that, but I feel like I've done so much of that already.
I don't want kids, never have.
I want to travel, see other cultures and explore the world.
I'd like to build my own house one day, but probably not in Forks,
somewhere sunny and warm.
You don't want kids? That's a big decision for someone our age.
Do you?
No.
Well, there you go. People just judge women when
they say that as they think it's our destiny to have kids
or something, but I've never wanted them. I never played
with dolls and I never go gooey when I see babies. It all
just looks like something I have zero interest in. The world
is over populated enough, so why try to convince myself to
bring more people into it?
I see. Well, you've clearly given it some thought.
Why don't you want them?
Well, I can't have kids actually. When my parents
died I was sick and after I got better it just
wasn't possible any more.
Oh, I'm sorry Edward. That's heavy. I'm sorry to bring that up.
It's ok, I'm used to the idea now, it's probably for the best.
Is that why you have a special diet or whatever?
Yes. I didn't think you knew about that.
People notice that you never really eat.
I don't understand why you buy food and just throw it away though.
It makes me feel less conspicuous. I thought I did a better job at hiding it.
You should do what makes you feel comfortable.
But you don't need to hide it.
Also please give me your unused sodas hahaha.
You're unusual, there's nothing bad about that though.
I'm glad you think so. I'll save you my soda, what kind do you like?
Yay! Free soda!
I like Coke, or Sprite sometimes. Thanks!
Please don't buy anything you wouldn't normally just throw away though, ok?
OK
So gardening was a success I think. It is a different way to
look at time, through the growth of another living thing.
Yeah, like it's beautiful, but also makes me
feel quite insignificant. Because nature doesn't care about me at all!
Werner Herzog said 'nature is monumentally indifferent'.
Yes! That's it! Who is he?
A film maker.
I don't know him. You know a lot about movies.
I know what I like, but I don't know many modern films.
So, if nature is indifferent, where do we find meaning?
I think that is the perfect question to ponder when we do meditation next week.
Good idea! How are we going to do it?
I guess read about meditation then sit and try it?
I bet I fall asleep!
It seems that can be a common problem at first.
Would it be better to have someone talk you
through the meditation?
Like an audiobook?
Yes, or a CD or something, I'm sure I've seen those
sorts of things on sale before.
That's a good idea. I'll look on
YouTube and see what is available for free.
Great, thanks Bella.
See you at school then.
Sleep well, later I mean.
Not likely!
Insomnia?
Yeah, and strange dreams.
Well, I'm always awake in the middle of the night
so message any time if you get bored.
Thanks Edward. I might.
A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! What do you think Bella thinks about Edward these days? He's quite different from when they first met.