This week we are trying meditation. For the first attempt we decided to sit in an empty classroom after the post school rush was over, away from the main entrance and parking lot noise. Bella took out her phone and we used a guided anti anxiety meditation track she had found on YouTube which lasted half an hour.
Sitting still was obviously no problem for me, though tuning out Bella's fidgeting and breathing was far harder. I was supposed to focus on my own breathing, but ended up listening to her heartbeat as my grounding rhythm instead. It was most peaceful.
As the track talked us through relaxation and visualising a sense of well-being. At first I felt lighter and calmer than I had in recent memory, even calmer than when Esme strokes my hair. There may be something here worth pursuing.
The guide told us to let our thoughts drift by like clouds across the sky, and refocus whenever we felt them intrude upon our focus. I was surprised how many rushing thoughts I had, typically I am aware of the thoughts of others intruding upon my mind, but rarely have I acknowledged the chatter of my own mind in isolation.
Mostly I was filled with worries:
What if I hurt Bella? How can I protect her? How can I stop my love for her? What if I let Carlisle and my family down again? What if I put us all in danger? What if I accidentally expose us and the Volturi come? How can I control my baser desires? How can I manage my lust and push down my urges? What if I lose control again? How can I make up for the hideous things I have done? What if I slip and kill a human? What if I kill Bella? Will I ever be able to change fully? Will I ever be able to grow out of my more monstrous tendencies and gain the kind of control Carlisle has? What if I fail? Will I always be so lonely as I am now? What if Esme and my family give up on me? What will become of me if they abandon me? Will I ever find a mate? What if nobody ever wants to kiss me? What if someone does and I'm very bad at it? Will anyone ever be able to understand and accept me? Will I ever be capable of love for anyone but Bella? How would anyone ever be able to love me? Is it fair to even want that? What will become of me once Bella is gone? How will I ever survive? How long is eternity? What horrors will I live to see in the future? What will happen to us vampires after the world ends, will we float in space alone and starve for eternity? Will we disappear when the planet does?
This stream of anxiety was loud and oppressive, but focusing on the present moment and being reminded that those questions and anxieties can wait was comforting. It was quite challenging not to entertain my anxieties and to stay focused on the present, letting those worries float by. It will definitely take some concerted effort to master. It is disquieting not being able to have answers to those questions, but I know it is also impossible to answer them.
The guided track reassured us that we were whole, loveable and capable of self actualisation. I'm not convinced of the fact, but it was nice to hear nonetheless. The whole experience was surprisingly emotional.
Afterwards Bella and I spoke, she looked relaxed and centred. She said her experience had been frustrating as she was plagued by small worries about things she forgot to do, something she had to pick up from the store, a test she was worried about doing poorly in and then confessed bigger worries about the future, her mother's wellbeing, her father's loneliness if she moves away, whether she will be able to get into a good college and meet the demands of university life, if she will be able to make friends and have the kind of adventures and experiences she craves in the future. She seems scared of getting trapped in Forks, of leaving her father alone, but also of being stuck with him at the cost of her own dreams. She was very open about what she had found bothered her.
Then it was my turn. Of course I couldn't share all my concerns but phrased things as best I could, to share as close an approximation as possible. She looked concerned when I spoke and afterwards she said "Edward, I really think we both need to keep doing this."
I agreed and asked if we should practice daily at home. Bella surprised me by saying she felt like she would have given up and lost focus if she'd been alone, or stopped when uncomfortable thoughts arose. She asked if I'd agree to doing this every day this week, which I immediately did. I wonder if we will continue to share our fears each day.
It was a surprisingly novel experience and though uncomfortable in many ways, one that feels valuable somehow, like there is some key there to something I have not been able to access through other means. I look forward to seeing what our daily sessions reveal.
A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! Have you ever tried meditation? I recommend it! I also recommend starting with guided meditation, like Tara Brach's podcast.