"Tantai Jin. I'm going to kill you."
I swore that oath as I glared at the hateful face of the Devil God who had, with one fell swoop, murdered everyone I knew, the senior brothers and sisters who had doted on me, the junior brothers and sisters who looked up to me, and Father…
His scarlet eyes looked up at me with an unfathomable expression. It was the last image of him I had before the Light Breaking Array took me back to the past, to where the mortal Tantai Jin lived.
To when you lived.
I was going to kill you.
The original Ye Xiwu's soul had surrendered her body to me, only leaving behind a thought for her dear grandmother and father. Thus, I opened my eyes to the mortal world as Ye Xiwu, and I was intent to find you and kill you.
But when I first laid eyes on the mortal you, you were kneeling so pitifully on the frozen lake, with snow gathering on the top of your head, your eyelashes, and your shoulders. The sleeves of that thin robe you wore fluttered in the wind, and your breath misted in front of you as you breathed. When you looked up at me with that pale, thin face, that helplessness and resignation to your cruel fate made my heart waver a bit, and I thought, how could you become that ruthless Devil God in my past?
But then you glared at me, and I knew I had to kill you.
When I was pulled into your nightmares through the poison of the nightmare blossoms, and saw your pitiful origins, my heart wavered again. The tragedy of your mother's death at childbirth, the cruelty of your father abandoning you, the loneliness of being brought up by two servants without any support, and the humiliation of being bullied by your brothers should have been enough to make the heavens weep, and any mortal should already have given up and broken down from the pain of this life.
And you almost did.
Shouldn't I have wanted to kill you?
But why did I end up holding back the knife you wanted to use to end your own life?
Why did I want you to live?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Underneath the clear blue sky, Tantai Jin's face looked down on her. "Did you have a good sleep?" he asked pleasantly.
Li Susu blinked. "Tantai Jin? Is that you?" she asked breathlessly, not daring to believe her eyes. She slowly raised herself up, realizing that she was lying her head on his lap.
Tantai Jin smiled. He was clad in the Xiaoyao Sect's disciple robes, the white color enhancing his ethereal beauty. In the sunlight, he dazzled her so much her eyes hurt. "You only ever call me Tantai Jin if you're angry at me," he replied, the sound of his voice piercing through Li Susu's heart. His smile faltered. "Are you… angry at me?" His eyes grew rounder when he saw tears forming in her eyes. "Li Susu, what's the matter?"
Li Susu rubbed at her eyes. "Nothing, nothing," she said, but the tears couldn't stop flowing. "I'm not angry at you… in fact, I'm happy with you." She smiled through her tears. "I'm very happy with you."
Tantai Jin's smile was brilliant. "I'm happy too."
Li Susu looked around. They had been sitting under the trees beside Heaven Lake, with the sky clear and blue and the sun beaming down on them. This was one of those idyllic moments before their engagement, when they were dreaming about the forever that they chose to have. She reached out and held Tantai Jin's hand. It felt warm to her touch. "Is this… is this a dream?" she whispered.
Tantai Jin's fingers curled around her hand. "It's not a dream if you don't want it to," he said. With his free hand, he lifted her chin to look into her eyes. His lips looked tantalizingly close, and Li Susu leaned forward to touch his lips with hers.
She didn't want this to be a dream. His lips felt too warm, too hot against hers. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer. She put a hand on his chest, where she felt his heart beat against her hand. She could smell his scent, that alluring clean pine scent, fill her senses.
I don't care if this is just a dream, or a forgotten memory. You're here, with me. Nothing else matters.
Tantai Jin broke the kiss. "Li Susu, I don't know what brought this on," he said in a teasing tone, "but I think it's time to go back. It's getting cold here." He rubbed his hand along her arm to create warmth. "See, you're freezing."
Li Susu shook her head and burrowed closer into his chest. "No…" she said, matching his teasing tone, hiding the fear that slowly crept up her spine, "let's stay like this for a little while longer. They don't need us back at the sect yet."
Tantai Jin chuckled at what he saw as Li Susu's cheekiness. "I'm afraid Chief Qu will send his disciples here to fetch you, as it is time for lessons, after all." He gently pushed Li Susu away from him, and stood up.
Li Susu held onto his hand tight. "Please, don't go," she said, fear now creeping up her voice. "Let's … Let's just stay here, please."
"Li Susu…" Tantai Jin said, looking perplexed at the sudden fear in her face and her voice.
Li Susu held his hand tighter. "Please stay."
Tantai Jin sat back down. "Li Susu, what's the matter?" he asked, concern evident in his tone. He wrapped his arm around her slightly trembling body. "Tell me what's bothering you."
Li Susu looked up at Tantai Jin. "I… had a bad dream," she started. Tears started to well up again as she tried to continue. "I dreamed… that you had become the Devil God."
Tantai Jin's hold on her tightened. "Li Susu…"
"I'm afraid, Tantai Jin," Li Susu said, holding his hand tightly. "You can't become the Devil God. Promise me you won't, not for anything." A tear fell on their entwined hands. "I don't want to lose you."
"Li Susu," Tantai Jin said, saying her name affectionately yet firmly. "I swore back at the Phoenix Inn, and here under this very tree, that I won't become him, and make your nightmares come true." He looked down on their interlocked hands. "But… fate plays a lot of tricks on us all, and we don't really know what will happen in the future. If I do… If I have to become the Devil God…" He gently nudged Li Susu to make her look at him. "I swear I'll come back to you."
I'll come back to you.
Li Susu wrapped her arms around Tantai Jin and buried her head in his chest. I'll come back to you, he said. "Don't lie to me, Tantai Jin," she whispered.
"I won't lie to you anymore, Li Susu," Tantai Jin whispered back. Suddenly, she felt a change in aura, something that made her open her eyes. She leaned back and looked at him, but he wasn't clad anymore in the white disciple robes of Xiaoyao Sect.
He appeared before her as she last saw him, the benevolent god who laid down his life to save all of the realms.
Li Susu choked back a sob. "So this is a dream after all," she said, the pain of disappointment piercing her heart. She stood and stepped away from him, clenching her hands into tight fists. "This is another dream… no, a nightmare, where you come to me and tell me that everything is going to be all right, and that you're going to stay, with me….but you're not."
Tantai Jin walked towards her, and despite her protests, embraced her. "It's not a dream if you don't want it to," he repeated, making soothing motions up and down her back, attempting to calm a distraught Li Susu, who started to cry.
"You lied to me, Tantai Jin," she said in between sobs. "You lied to me…"
Tantai Jin whispered in her ear. "I'm sorry for lying to you, Susu. I'm sorry." He repeated his assurances as Li Susu cried piteously, shedding the tears that contained her sorrow and disappointment, her regrets and pain.
"How could you leave me alone, Tantai Jin?" Li Susu asked. "I said I wanted to go with you. The world is peaceful and happy, safe from the threat of the All-in-Distress Way and the Devil God. It doesn't need a god anymore. How could you leave by yourself and leave me alone?"
"I'm sorry Susu," Tantai Jin wiped Li Susu's tears.
"I can't… I can't continue living without you, Tantai Jin," Li Susu said brokenly. "I can't go back to the world and feel the peace knowing that you gave your life to make it happen. I can't… I can't live in this world without you in it…"
"Susu," Tantai Jin called her name softly, and Li Susu looked up at him. He looked at her with sadness, and sympathy for the pain she was enduring. He held her shoulders warmly. "Remember what I told you at the Heavenly Pillar? You are different. You have the power to change the fate of the world, through the compassion in your heart." He smiled at her as he cupped her face in his hands. "You've seen through the darkness of the Devil God, and believed in the goodness within. You're the bravest and most resolute person I've ever known, and the world needs your warmth and protection, not just from the Devil God, but from all the evils and sorrows that this world could give. I know this, because you showed all of this to me."
"Tantai Jin…" Li Susu shook her head. "I can't…"
"My love," Tantai Jin whispered. Li Susu started, and fresh tears fell from her eyes at his words. "You have to live on." He kissed her forehead, then down the tip of her nose, then her lips. He lingered there, so Li Susu poured into their kiss all of the unspoken words that she had meant to say when they met again.
The reason why there is love in my heart is because of you, not anyone else.
After a long while, Tantai Jin broke the kiss, but didn't let go of Li Susu yet. His cheek grazed hers. "You have to live on, my love," he whispered in her ear. He leaned away to smile at her. "You have to endure, so that the world can know that Li Susu and Tantai Jin once loved each other, and that their love was never an insignificant thing that can disappear in the sands of time."
When love perishes, hatred perishes, and our physical bodies perish, how can we prove that these emotions really existed once?
Li Susu looked at him. He had said all those once the night before their wedding ceremony at the Demon Realm. Wasn't he talking about the Bo're Life dream he created?
Tantai Jin smiled, hearing her thoughts. His hand trailed down her face, her neck, her shoulders… and rested on her abdomen. "You have to live on, so that the love that existed between us could also live on."
Li Susu's heart skipped a beat as she unconsciously placed her hand on top of his. Before she could say anything, a warm scarlet ray of light enveloped her, slowly pulling her out of the dream.
"Tantai Jin," she could only say, tightening her hold on his hand.
Tantai Jin smiled wider. "It's okay, Li Susu," he said, his voice slowly growing fainter. "I promised you, didn't I?" He took her hand that was on top of his, held it against his lips, and kissed it. "I'll come back for you."
Li Susu felt a warm heat on her chest as her surroundings grew more hazy and the warm scarlet light completely surrounded her-
Xxxxxxxx
"Sister."
Li Susu opened her eyes. The dark ceiling of the Tantai Mausoleum greeted her, until a face loomed into her sight.
"Sister, you're awake." A white-haired man sighed in relief as Li Susu slowly raised herself up. He was clad in dark, nondescript clothes, but beside him was a sword whose hilt was engraved with familiar symbols…
Li Susu almost jumped as a small, white seven-tailed fox leaped out behind the man. "Pian Ran, no," the man said, gathering the fox in his arms.
Pian Ran?
Li Susu stared at the man's face. He smiled at her, and in that smile, she saw a familiar face.
"Ye Qingyu?"
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A/N: Hello! Thanks for reading Dreams! Read and review please 😊
Lost Traveler: Same, I'm also still looking for another c-drama to latch onto. I also hope Story of Kunning Palace finally airs, though like the other fans I know of, I'll believe it when I see it. 😂
I hear My Journey to You is promising, though, so try checking it out? If not, Lost You Forever too.
Shijz: Thanks! Ahaha. Let's satisfy our deprived souls with fanfics, since Youku's not helping with our therapy. XD
Just a tidbit: I based Tantai Jin's scent on the description from the novel, but I heard there's merchandise being sold for TTEOTM which involves scented candles/soap. Tantai Jin's was, among other things, coriander, an herb which, if you're a fan of LYX, you know he hates. I personally don't like it too, so I just followed the novel and not the drama('s producers). (I can't begin to imagine how that smells like…)