A/N: Text message conversation withBella (in italics)and Edward (plain text)

So that was quite a week. Sorry again about crying and grabbing you yesterday.

It's not a problem, I was worried about you, I hope today was easier?

It was, thanks. I think I just had to get some of the fear out

of my system. Now I'm just scared you'll tell me another 'joke'!

Any time.

And I know what you mean, I have found the whole meditation

experiment to be surprisingly emotional.

And I saw you fighting a smile, so you don't fool me. You liked my joke.

You have? You looked so unfazed by it each day.

Ugh, ok, the dad jokes stay.

I think I'm just used to hiding things.

I wish I was better at that. I'm jealous.

Don't be, it sort of rots you from the inside, I think.

Do you want to talk about it then?

I don't want to burden you.

Honestly? I'd feel less pathetic and also you did promise to be more open.

I did.

Well, I think each day a lot of similar fears kept surfacing for me.

It was really good to do the anti anxiety meditation and I am glad I

started the habit, but it is also a little bit like opening Pandora's box.

Yeah, it's hard to pack everything back away after 30m, right?

Quite impossible.

What fears kept coming back again and again?

The fear of always being alone and of never really being understood.

I am also scared that my family will abandon me.

I'm sure they'd never do that, Edward.

I don't know, I've definitely put them through a lot this

year and they must still be very angry with me.

I know Esme loves me, but it's not like I'm her real son, or Carlisle's.

What do you think they'd say if you told them how you worry about this?

I dread to think.

That sounds really hard to deal with, I'm not surprised

you shove your feelings down.

After everything you've been through it must be a lot to process.

You know, when Carlisle first took me in he was so proud of me,

he had such high hopes and then I messed up and he took me back in,

but I just kept messing up over and over again.

Whether it was through rebellion, through my derision towards

my siblings or his authority, or whether it was through my own hubris.

Carlisle won't cut me off, but I think it's because he just doesn't want

to be a quitter, rather than because he actually wants me around.

He doesn't want to accept his failure and if he calls

his job with me finished then that means he didn't succeed.

If he hangs on and says it isn't over then he can still fool himself into

thinking I will magically become the son he can be proud of.

Edward, you are someone to be proud of.

You try so hard to be a good person.

Sure you make mistakes, all teenagers do, but you're facing up to them.

That's what counts.

You're kind and thoughtful, you're really talented at music

and art and get the highest grades.

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.

What do you think it would take for you to believe in yourself?

I don't think that's really on the cards.

Why not?

I think there's too much darkness in my nature.

It's something I always end up reverting to, even if I fight it.

Well, even if you have darkness, I can see a lot of light Edward.

You're too kind.

I think your parents and the other Cullens would all be

proud of you if they saw what I have.

Do you think they watch over you? Your parents, I mean.

Oh, I do hope not. I would hate them to be troubled by me like that.

So you don't believe in an afterlife?

I used to, I don't know nowadays. Perhaps.

If there is one I hope they are somewhere peaceful and at rest.

Me too.

I should hate to be a ghost, all that wailing and

repeating the same actions over and over.

It might be fun sometimes, to haunt someone though.

You think so?

Yeah, I'd like to be a poltergeist and make a mess sometimes.

Do you believe in ghosts and spirits Edward?

I'm sure there are more things in the world than humans

know about, both wonderful and terrible.

I think so too. What about spirituality?

I'm not religious like Carlisle, I was as a boy, but it wasn't possible for

me to keep wanting to believe in a god that would create the kind of world we are in.

Do you believe in god or practice religion Bella?

Nothing formal. I'm not sure yet what I think about it all.

My mom is always going on about Gaia and crystals, psychics, tarot,

ley lines and literally any new age spiritualism she can find.

She's always looking for the new thing.

It seems like a bit of an anxiety thing now I have some distance on

it though, like she feels rudderless and is clinging to each new thing,

hoping for some direction. But I saw some things I couldn't explain

so I don't dismiss it all.

Dad is a quieter, simpler kind of guy, I've never spoken with him about it,

but I think he says a prayer when someone dies and feels being just a

little god fearing is a good thing.

Before I was born my mom went to a fortune teller and they told her

all about me and so much of it has come true.

What did the fortune teller say?

So my mom went to the psychic when she was pregnant with me.

She wrote down what the she said and some of it, well there's no

way she could have known. Like that I'd be born 12 days early,

and that when I took my first steps it'd be on a sunny day. We

lived in Forks, the odds are tiny! She predicted other stuff too.

What else?

She knew I'd be a girl, which ok, no biggie. She said I'd have

a quiet mind, which is wrong if you ask me as I'm always worrying

over something, that I'd try lots of different careers, but that it was

in my interactions with people that I would find real satisfaction.

(I think that last one is true).

No tall, dark stranger?

Nope. Nothing about romance. I prefer it that way.

You do?

I'd rather make my own destiny. But sometimes I dream

about the future. Like I'm about 1% psychic or something.

I never understand the meaning until after the thing happens t

hough so it isn't useful at all.

What have you seen in dreams that came true?

Meeting you, well, I mean I think I knew you were

watching me before you told me somehow.

You said you'd been having bad dreams lately.

Yeah, I have. About falling.

Please stay downstairs.

My bedroom is upstairs you dingus. So are half my classes at school.

I don't like it.

Can't you sleep on the couch?

Well that worries me more than the dreams.

But I'm still not sleeping on the damn couch.

Does it? Why? I just want you to be safe Bella.

Well, you always seem to know what's going on before

anyone tells you and every time people mention your

name you look around, even if you're way across the

parking lot or cafeteria. So...

So...?

So maybe you're more than 1% psychic or something.

When did you start noticing all of this Bella?

I don't know. I definitely paid more attention since the summer, for obvious reasons.

Had you noticed before then?

So I'm right then. There is something to notice!

I didn't say that.

You said you'd be open and honest Edward.

I'm holding you to that.

I promise I won't talk to anyone, *anyone* about our conversations.

Not this, not about your parents or the things we're scared of.

None of it.

And you get final cut on what goes in our English project too.

I just don't understand why this would matter to you.

Well, what we're doing matters to me.

It's just a school project.

Is it? I didn't think that was what we were doing here.

It's more than that to me.

Bella, I have to go. I'm sorry. I'll talk to you at school ok?

Don't climb up anywhere high and please be careful.

Edward wtf?!

This conversation isn't over.

Recipient: Cullen Edward edwardcullenemail

Sender: Bella Swan wutheringdepths87

Date & Time: 09/26, Mon, 00:23

Subject: Sorry

Look, I'm sorry I freaked you out. I know you're not used to opening up to people, but Edward, you're lonely, you said you don't have any friends. I'm just trying to help and be there for you. I'm worried about you. You always have the weight of the world on your shoulders and nobody to share it with.

I know you're not a typical guy, that's fine, it doesn't matter to me and I don't think there's anything all that great about being average anyway. You're unique. Unique's cool.

I swear no matter what I will never tell anyone anything we talk about.

Please don't run away. I thought you were really starting to trust me.

Bella

A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! Oh no! Is Edward going to go hide at the bottom of the sea again? I think he's really spooked this time.