Time passes in indifference, that is the cruelty of it. Fall has taken hold and the leaves are withering from the trees in great flurries. Our gardening projects are still just baren looking pots of dirt, though doubtless something is underway beneath the surface. When those flowers bloom, if they bloom, it will mean I have just a few short months until graduation. It is of no matter that I am graduating, but for the fact that it signals the end of this era and the move to the next, more painful stage of separation from Bella.

I feel horrible for having drawn back from her, but the risk to her safety and ours is too great. We cannot risk exposure. We still talk about our project and are spending time together, but the closeness is broken and things feel somewhat stilted. All the time I am mired in regret, sorrow and yearning for her. I would give everything I have for the chance to be my real self with her. Even though she would turn from me in disgust, at least I would feel known for a moment.

All I can do is savour each short-lived instant and commit to memory the way the light falls across the features of her face, the mahogany tint to her hair in the sunlight, the timbre of her voice and the rush of her heartbeat. The meditation we practiced has a strange allegory in Bella, for she is the moment that will pass, that must be cherished. I never wanted to stop time before, as I always had so much of it, but now I long to halt the days and trap these occasions in amber.

So much feels wasted, and yet it can be no other way.

Esme has once again been a great comfort. I confided in her that Bella suspected my telepathy, though not my vampirism. I stressed that I confirmed nothing.

We had a quiet conference with Carlisle and then a family announcement, where he asked us to monitor the situation closely, and work harder to keep up the pretense at school. This means taking it in turns to force food into our stomachs at lunchtimes, a most unpleasant necessity, but we cannot risk detection. I shared only the relevant conversation text messages with my family and we agreed that there was no major risk as of yet, but that I especially, must proceed cautiously.

Alice has visions of Bella discovering the truth and keeping quiet, of us maintaining our secret, of our friendship developing and waning. It is too murky to see what will occur with any certainty.

Esme still sits with me each day and strokes my hair. I was starting to feel so much better until this rift with Bella occurred. I have suffered quite the setback and am once again quiet and sullen.

We are working on the library still, the renovations are progressing very well and the project should be finished on schedule, before the new year. Alice is starting to plan a reception party for the council members, librarians and townspeople to celebrate. I doubt I shall be much in the mood for celebration, but I am continuing with my hidden fore edge paintings for Bella nevertheless.

I have completed a scene from Wuthering Heights and have moved on to Pride and Prejudice. I plan to also paint some others before the library reopens.

A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! You can see pictures of Edward's watercolours on my deviant art, just search for LogladyJ and it should come up.