Cullen Family Meeting

October 13th

2:27AM – 7:13AM

Meeting Details:

Objective:

Discussion of Edward's behaviour

Location:

Dining room

Type of meeting:

Discussion

Facilitator:

Alice Cullen

Called by:

Rosalie Hale

Note Taker:

Esme Cullen and Jasper Hale

Time Keeper:

Jasper Hale

Minutes agreed by:

Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Edward Cullen

Attendees:

Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale

Agenda Items: Proposed by:

Praise Edward on his progress since earlier this year Carlisle

Ask Edward to sign the minutes of May 5th's meeting Esme

Edward's relationship with Bella is a threat to the safety of the entire coven Rosalie

Edward's manly frustrations will kill us all Rosalie

A defense of Isabella Swan Edward

Any other business

Minutes:

Agenda Item 1: Praise Edward on his progress since earlier this year

Discussion:

Carlisle praised Edward on his turnaround so far and attributed it to the power of prayer.

He then asked all other family members present to refrain from rolling their eyes.

Conclusions:

Edward has been doing ever so well

He is a good boy.

Agenda Item 2: Ask, once again, for Edward to agree the minutes of the family meeting that took place on May 5th

Discussion:

Esme raised the issue that Edward still had not agreed the minutes of the meeting of May 5th.

He apologised and signed them- FINALLY!

Conclusions:

Edward is a good boy who just needed some time

Agenda Item 3: Edward may yet kill us all

Discussion:

Rosalie spoke at length of the danger of exposure she feels Edward is bringing the family because he 'can't keep it in his pants'.

Emmett joked about Edward's bedroom rug.

Esme asked what happened to said rug and was rudely ignored.

Conclusions:

Edward was asked to keep it in his pants

The family should answer their mother's questions when asked

Agenda Item 4: Suggestions to ease Edward's manly frustrations until graduation

Discussion:

Rosalie recounted a story about Edward printing out indecent material at school, resulting in a printer jam which she had to intervene in.

Rosalie suggested he 'get a fucking flesh light' to help him cope the ten months until graduation.

Emmett heartily agreed.

Esme asked what a flesh light was and was rudely ignored by all.

Emmett took out his phone and tried to show Edward something called hentai

Jasper requested we move things along

Conclusions:

Edward is not allowed to use the printer at school

Edward may look into the purchase of a flesh light and perhaps his own printer if entirely necessary

The family should answer Esme's questions and not be so rude

Agenda Item 5: Assertion that Bella does not pose a threat to the security of the coven

Discussion:

Edward reminded the family that he has entirely refrained from the behaviours he was prohibited from in the meeting of May 5th

Edward [...] is expressly forbidden from the following:
Sniffing Isabella Swan
Staring at Isabella Swan
Following Isabella Swan

Taking any items, from trash or otherwise, that currently belong or previously belonged to Isabella Swan, including her hair

Truanting from class

Requesting timetable/seat assignment changes to be in close proximity with Isabella Swan

Hoarding items in his locker

Drawing, photographing or recording Isabella Swan

Asking others for information regarding Isabella Swan

Rosalie stated Edward stared at and sniffed Bella 'all the fucking time like a dog'

Rosalie was instructed to shut her 'filthy fucking mouth' by Edward

Carlisle told everyone to take a moment to ask themselves what Jesus would do in this situation

Edward asked Alice to share what she saw of the future with regards to Bella. She consented and said that although there were multiple possible outcomes, in none of the futures did Edward bite Bella, though he did reverse the Vanquish into her accidentally in one.

The subsequent hissing bout led to a brief adjournment whilst the family collected themselves and tempers cooled.

Once we reconvened Edward reiterated that Alice had not seen the family exposed nor the Volturi in her visions, she confirmed on both counts.

Rosalie was asked to stop shouting 'YET' at Edward every time he reiterated that Bella has not posed a threat, divulged any secrets or drawn the attention of the Volturi.

Esme asked everybody to please stop banging the dining room table.

Conclusions:

Alice will continue to monitor the situation and will update us immediately as to anything of concern

The family will NOT keep taking their frustrations out on Esme's furniture

Please initial: Emmett Cullen:_ Rosalie Hale: _ Edward Cullen: _

Agenda Item 6 i: AOB: an update on Edward's bean spilling

Discussion:

Jasper and Esme both testified as to the depth of Edward's emotional attachment to Bella.

Rosalie testified that 'they're attached at the fucking hip'

Esme asked her to mind her language and to elaborate.

Rosalie obliged, explaining that Edward sees Bella in class twice weekly, at lunchtimes, after school on Mondays and Thursdays and also at weekends and that they text message for many hours in addition.

Carlisle and Esme both expressed surprise at this new information, which Edward reluctantly confirmed, they were unaware of quite how much time the two were now spending together.

Edward hissed, prompting Esme to request everyone to please take out the towels she had prepared in advance from under their seats to protect the table's veneer.

Carlisle asked what Edward could possibly have to talk about with Bella after spending all day at school together

Emmett said phone sex, for which he was reprimanded by Esme.

Rosalie said Edward was spending all of those hours sharing the family secrets.

Esme defended Edward and stated that he would never reveal any family secrets.

Edward confirmed by saying 'Not your secrets, no.'

When pressed by Carlisle and then Jasper, Edward, after repeatedly mumbling and being asked to repeat himself and speak up, sheepishly admitted that he told Bella he was a mind reader.

Rosalie responded with a string of expletives and was asked to settle down by Carlisle.

Emmett flipped the dining room table, causing the meeting to be temporarily adjourned.

Conclusions:

Edward has spilled his beans

Edward has not yet spilled our collective beans

Emmett is a very naughty boy and needs to wash his mouth out with soap and also take better care of the furniture

Agenda Item 6 ii: Carlisle asked the family to hunt

Discussion:

Carlisle ordered everyone to go hunting separately and for the meeting to continue after their return.

He attempted to get everyone to say grace before they hunted failed.

Conclusions:

Everyone should calm down and hunt

Nobody wants to say grace except Carlisle

Agenda Item 6 iii: AOB: The meeting was reconvened with apologies

Discussion:

The meeting was reconvened with apologies. Emmett explained that he 'carried away' and was 'not really angry, but didn't want to miss the chance to flip the table' as it 'seemed like a good opportunity'.

Esme expresses her upset that the dining table had, once again, fallen victim to the chaos of a family meeting and stated that this is why we can't have nice things.

Edward apologised for causing further drama and upset.

Rosalie did not accept that she had anything to apologize, for defending Emmett's table flip as being in self defense.

Rosalie asked when we are moving. Edward wailed 'noooooo' in response and took some minutes to calm, he ended up relocating to sit on Esme's lap so that she could stroke his hair.

Conclusions:

The dining room table will not survive another family meeting at this rate

Agenda Item 6 iv: AOB: Jasper was asked to take over for Esme

Discussion:

Esme asked Jasper to take over the minute keeping so she could tend to Edward.

Conclusions:

All notes of this meeting hereafter are written by Jasper Hale (nee. Whitlock)

Agenda Item 6 v: AOB: Further discussion of Bella and the nature of the beans spilled

Discussion:

That elegant damsel Alice was asked by Carlisle if she had seen anything new in her visions, which she hadn't.

Looking ravishing, Alice asked why the family don't just turn Bella.

Alice's demure and thoughtful comments were rudely interrupted by catterwalling and pig-squealing from Edward about how Bella doesn't know the family are vampires.

Alice listened attentively, looking as beautiful as a summer's morn, while Edward confirmed Bella guessed he was a mind reader but that's all she knows.

Alice wrinkled her nose in the most gosh darn adorable way as she focused on Carlisle, as he suggested that we should 'let him have his little girlfriend', and wait things out and see if they can graduate and move thereafter.

Conclusions:

Bella does not know we are vampires

Bella does know Edward can read minds

Carlisle is inexplicably allowing his favourite to pursue a relationship with his stalking victim

Agenda Item 6 vi: AOB: Rosalie requested punishment for Edward

Discussion:

Alice paid close attention to Rosalie, who asserted that this was favouritism and requested details on what Edward's punishment will be.

She suggested she be given his Vanquish.

Poor Alice looked like her delicate ears were suffering so as Edward, big bawling baby that he is, gave a screeched speech about how 'living is torment enough' and how he only has ten months left with Bella and 'will suffer for eternity after that'.

Alice looked sympathetic, delicate, kind soul that she is, as Rosalie conceded that she doesn't want Edward to be miserable because it is 'fucking murder for all of us to live with'

Alice agreed when Rosalie stated she just wants the family to be safe and feels Edward is so blinded by love that his judgement isn't sound.

The rest of the family, aside from Edward nodded in agreement.

Edward hissed 'traitor!' at Esme and slithered off of her lap, scuttling under the table, where he remained for the remainder of the meeting.

Conclusions:

Carlisle and Esme have clear favourites, whether they will admit it or not

Rosalie could easily buy a Vanquish, but she only wants Edward's to annoy him

Edward won't be punished even though he could kill us all

Being Edward, admittedly, is punishment enough for anyone

Agenda Item 6 vii: AOB: The sorry state of Isabella Swan's wardrobe

Discussion:

Alice looked positively radiant, as she asked if she was allowed to take Bella shopping 'now she knows we're not normal'.

Esme stated this 'isn't a priority',

Alice skillfully argued citing Bella's wardrobe as being 'guilty of a litany of crimes against fashion'.

Carlisle said that Alice can ask Bella on one (1) shopping trip.

Alice diplomatically handled Edward's temper tantrum about her being able to take Bella shopping without him.

Alice placated the oversensitive jackass by promising to tell him what she says and suggesting a group trip to Seattle on Saturday.

It was agreed that Jasper and Edward would go to buy a MacBook, while adorable Alice and Bella would go clothes shopping.

Conclusions:

Alice shall be permitted one (1) shopping trip with Bella

Isabella Swan is hereby sentenced to death by shopping for her crimes against fashion

Edward still displays possessive stalker tendencies and is an oversensitive jackass

Jasper will accompany Edward to buy a new computer

Agenda Item 6 viii: AOB: Rosalie requested punishment for Edward AGAIN

Discussion:

Alice waited patiently as Rosalie asked Carlisle, yet again, if he was 'SURE Edward should't lose his vanquish'.

She was told to settle down by Esme.

Conclusions:

Carlisle and Esme have clear favourites, whether they will admit it or not

Rosalie will not rest until she has the keys to Edward's Vanquish

Edward won't be punished even though he could kill us all

Being Edward, admittedly, is punishment enough for anyone

Agenda Item 6 ix: AOB: Carlisle's pep talk for Edward

Discussion:

Alice focused diligently, looking mighty swell, as Carlisle reminded Edward to 'please keep (?) praying' and not to divulge any more family secrets to Bella.

Conclusions:

Carlisle's faith is unshakeable [and irrational]

Agenda Item 6 x: AOB: The meeting was FINALLY closed

Discussion:

The meeting was, at great length, called to a close with another unsuccessful attempt at joining hands in prayer by Carlisle.

Conclusions:

Nobody wants to pray except Carlisle

He is unlikely to ever give up

A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! Well, it wasn't as bad as the last big meeting I guess. Esme's table book the brunt of it.