A/N: Text message conversation withBella (in italics)and Edward (plain text)

Hey

Hi Bella. Are you ok? It's very late. Or early.

I can't sleep.

Me either.

I thought you might be up. You said you never sleep well.

I don't. What's keeping you awake?

Idk

Thinking too much maybe.

I see. Well, maybe I can take your mind off of things a little?

If you'd like, I mean.

As long as I'm not keeping you awake.

Not at all. I'm not sleepy.

Ok. Thank you.

So what do you want to talk about?

Any burning questions about the nature of existence keeping you up tonight?

What makes you laugh Edward? I don't think I've ever heard you laugh.

I don't know.

I mean.

I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before.

But what comedy do you like? You must like some funny TV shows or movies or something?

As for TV I tend to watch whatever's on. Aside from one time when

I turned off Mama Mia as Rosalie was watching it and stole the batteries from the remote control.

Hah! Nice!

Carlisle took my car keys for the day and gave them to Rosalie.

I don't want to know what she and Emmett got up to in my Volvo,

but no amount of deep cleaning can ever return it to its former unsullied state in my mind.

They...

Yes.

Over Mama Mia?

Yes.

I think you were in the right for what it's worth. Just knowing that film exists makes me like humanity less.

Quite. Rosalie loves it. Or she loves that it distresses me so. I'm not sure which.

Do Emmett and Rosalie often try to wind you up?

ALL THE TIME.

What else have they done?

Emmett likes to steal my journal and put a mop on his head,

then sits at my piano and make the mop look like my hair

(I think that's what he thinks he's doing anyway), then he puts on

a shrill squeaky voice and reads my journal to the others.

That sounds mean.

But also I want to see Emmett with a mop in his head.

He certainly thinks he is very droll. It is less amusing after a dozen times or so.

It's not cool that he invades your privacy like that.

It isn't. But I invaded his, yours and many other people's before.

So I'm sure it felt like fair game. He's stopped doing it since the summer.

Oh?

I don't think my journal was very funny to them any more after I told

you what I'd been doing, and was trying to deal with how horrible I am.

Were.

?

I don't think you're horrible any more.

I do.

Well, you shouldn't. You did some really bad things, disgusting and creepy things,

but in the end a bad act doesn't mean someone is bad through and through.

It just means you needed to change. And you're changing, right?

I'm trying to.

I can see that. You're trying hard to learn from it.

I don't think you'd do that again, stalk someone I mean?

Never!

I can't believe I did that to you. I'm so sorry. I'm so ashamed of myself.

I know you are.

I think I'll forgive you long before you forgive yourself.

You think you could forgive me?

Yeah. I'm still mad about it, but nowhere near as mad as I was.

And I can see you trying. That makes all the difference.

Anyway, I don't want to put my mental energy into staying mad at you.

I've got better things to use it on. I think I can see why you did it,

not exactly why it was me, but why you got obsessed with someone.

You are a very kind person. I'm sure I don't deserve that sort of consideration.

I will always feel ashamed about it, I can't forgive myself for doing all that.

Well, all you can do is try to be someone who does deserve it.

And I can see you trying to do that.

I am. I'm glad you asked me to stay and face up to it.

I wasn't going to let you get off the hook so easy.

I'm glad you didn't.

So what makes you laugh, Edward?

I'm really not sure. I don't remember laughing in a long time in all honesty.

That's sad.

What makes you laugh, Bella?

Angela is really funny. She's so shy and kind,

but every now and again she will just see the irony in something

and make a really quiet, dry statement and that cracks me up.

Monty Python and weird random comedy like that is funny.

I don't like mean or gross out comedy.

Like, Tyler and Mike and the guys at school are always laughing about the dumbest stuff.

They are?

Yeah, like fart jokes or boob jokes and stuff.

It just doesn't make me laugh like they do.

Jessica likes it though, or maybe she just wants them to think she does.

I tell them to shut up if they make mean jokes though. I don't like it.

No?

No, it's punching down to make fun of someone because of their body,

like their weight or acne, or because their clothes aren't cool enough.

I mean, MY clothes aren't cool enough. I just think I get a pass because

I'm new in town and they overlooked it and actually gave me a chance then got to know me.

I see. I agree that punching down is not something to laugh at.

I suppose it makes them feel better about themselves.

Yes, at someone else's expense. Not cool.

So is it mean that I think it's funny that Emmett

spent all summer reading Goosebumps books then wanted us

to catch Bigfoot last time we were out in the woods camping?

He...

What?!

Wait, I need more details.

And it's nowhere near as mean as stealing your diary.

Or texting me pretending to be you.

HE DID WHAT?

What did he say?

It was...unrepeatable.

Really crude. Sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned it.

So he tried to um

Sext with you? Pretending to be me?

Sext?

I think you'd better ask Jeeves, Edward.

Right-ho.

[4m later]

Jeeves has filled me in. I may have made him blush.

Better him than me.

Oh god. This is humiliating. Please forget I said anything.

I was the target, not you. Emmett was just playing upon my

arrogance and obsession with you. Sorry. I should never have told you this.

Oh, no, no, no, it's fine. This just means he's on my list now.

Your list?

Yeah. Emmett is gonna get pranked.

Bella, is that such a good idea?

It is an excellent idea. The very finest. And you're gonna be my inside man.

Oh god.

So anyway - tell me about BIGFOOT?!

Well.

I figured he was on another of his flights of fancy when

we were supposed to head home, but he said he thought

we 'were close'. He crouched down and started whispering

about how he'd 'done his research'.

Research being reading Goosebumps books?

It would seem so, yes.

He told Jasper and I to be especially quiet and that we

should search the area, he told me to 'do a scan' listening

out for anything with, and I quote, "big feet".

LDHAHAPSKHWHKALSHHDJDLALHKKLGSJ

I really wish I could have seen that.

Jasper burst out laughing so hard he couldn't stand up and

Emmett got upset, telling him he'd 'ruined our chances and s

cared Bigfoot off now'. So we have to try again next time we go hiking apparently.

So Emmett is really into this?

Oh definitely. This isn't the first time he's done something like this.

It's pretty standard actually.

Have you ever, y'know, played a joke on him about it?

A prank?

Yeah

I usually leave the pranks to Emmett.

Maybe we should make some Bigfoot footprints near the house or something.

Emmett would lose his damn mind.

Exactly.

I'll talk to Jasper about it. I'm sure he'd love to film that.

Yes! Now you're getting it.

But isn't it mean?

It seems pretty harmless to me.

And Emmett does need to learn that Men in Black and the X Files are not documentaries.

Does he watch Ancient Aliens?

Religiously. He takes notes.

Is there any chance you can get a hold of those notes or photograph them?

Rose throws them out at least once a week.

She has a system where he puts the new notes on top

of the stack and Rose throws out some of the old

ones off the bottom of the pile the next day.

She lets him keep a few pages and despite the fact

that this has been going on for some years now,

Emmett has yet to notice that the stack never grows.

Perfect! Next time they go in the trash you can put your trash raiding skills to good use, ya scavenger! ?

I'm so sorry Bella.

Shhhhhhhhh! Don't interrupt!

Then we can start to plan. I think we should prank him on in a few months.

Then we can prime him with planted hints and maybe a 'relic' or two.

Make him think they're invading Forks and that he's gonna get abducted.

This is absolutely the kind of thing he'd fall for hook, line and sinker,

but I don't know, Bella. Don't you think he'd be angry?

If Emmett can't take it back then he shouldn't be dishing it out.

And he certainly shouldn't be pretending I'm sexting you.

Are you sure this is a good idea? It sounds fun but makes me feel a bit anxious.

C'mon Cullen. Live a little.

Haha, ok. I'm in.

Right , so let's get your feet wet. Where is Emmett's book bag?

Probably in the hallway.

Can you sneak in the hall and get his pencil case for a few minutes? I bet Emmett is fast asleep.

He's still playing games I think.

Well, just don't distract him. You need some clear nail polish. ?

Does your mom or Alice have any you can get hold of without waking them up?

I'm sure I can find something.

Alice was painting her nails in the living room the other day and it stank!

Maybe she left the bottle somewhere. What's all this about?

Just get the stuff! Text me when you have it.

Ok.

I'm back.

Already?!

I'm fast. The polish is pale pink. Is that going to work?

Should do. Right, now get the pens and pencils in Emmett's

pencil case out and paint over the lead of each pencil

and the ball of each ballpoint pen.

You might need to do 3 or 4 coats of polish.

Once they're all dry check that none of them will write any more and return the pencil case.

Haha! Nice!

Revenge is sweet, right?!

I suppose so.

Feeling sleepy yet Bella?

Not quite, you?

No. Anyway, I'm busy!

[photo of Emmett's pencil case and the coated pens and pencils]

Of course! Haha!

Amazing!

Ugh this nail stuff smells awful!

Art is worth suffering for Edward.

So. We should do some research on how to make

Emmett think the little green men are coming to get him.

Shall we make a crop circle?

OMG definitely yes.

Edward! I didn't know you had it in you!

There's some long grass in a spot near the river

at the back of the house. It's behind a few trees, but I'm sure I can tempt

Emmett out there, thinking it's his own idea, to 'discover' it.

Emmett and Rosalie are going to Seattle to shop with Alice and Jasper for Black Friday.

Maybe I can do something then, if it's dry enough.

Want me to help?

You don't want to go shopping?

Ugh no. I want to go shopping about as much as I want a root canal.

Noted. Too many people and too much aggression for me. I almost never join them.

The house will be empty though.

So

Well I'm not allowed to meet you if it's not in a public place.

Sorry Bella. You can't come over.

That's my rule Edward.

Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Edward. You haven't done anything skeezy in the last five months have you?

No. I know you probably won't believe me but I promise I haven't.

I'm changing the rule, ok?

Can you do that? Are you allowed to?

Just pick me up after they leave for Seattle ok? I'll check out some crop circle designs.

This is gonna be so good!

Right, you should get some sleep Bella.

You too!

I wish! Night

Night Edward.

A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! There is a picture of Emmetts's pencil case on my Deviant Art page, just search for LogLadyJ, it's in the featured gallery.