Today was a veritable rollercoaster of emotions for both Bella and I. I drove her to the swimming center in Seattle to dive from the high board and face her fear of heights.
I have been increasingly nervous about this, as I know she is very scared of heights and has been having nightmares of falling. Bella is also prone to stumbling, so I worried that she would trip on the diving board and crack her skull or something equally horrific.
Additionally I was concerned that confronted with the incomparable sight of Bella in a bathing costume, I would lose all sense and that my loins would betray me. I employed the same technique as before the party, of many hours of self-abuse in order to try and minimise this eventuality. In the end though, Bella was so terrified that there was nothing arousing when the moment came.
Lastly, something has been bothering Bella of late, she has drawn back. While I could attribute this to the stress of upcoming finals, she does not seem so quiet around others. I cannot shake the feeling that I am missing something.
It was an eight hour round trip drive at the speed limit, though I could easily make it in half that. Nevertheless it was a long drive for a simple dive, but this was the closest Olympic diving platform to Forks and I was happy for the time together in the car.
On the drive we were in relatively good spirits, I tried to distract her as I knew she would be anxious, chatting about the upcoming winter vacation and how she plans to write her biography project. She did snap at me for driving too fast on twelve separate occasions, but I'm sure it was attributable to her nerves. I do so like it when she raises her voice to me!
I had arranged for us to visit between athletic club training sessions so that we would have the pool to ourselves for thirty minutes. I knew having spectators would do nothing to soothe Bella's frayed nerves.
Once we arrived, we got changed and met poolside. Bella gulped as she sized up the task before her. She warily eyed the ten meter diving platform and went over the strategy we had discussed in the car- just go straight for it, don't overthink it, do it once, get it over with and then we could have dinner at the pizza place she liked to celebrate before the drive back.
Bella looked radiant as ever in her demure black bathing suit and wore a fiercely obstinate look. I could see her hands shaking though. and could hear the racing of her heart.
I went first, quickly climbing the steps, and looking at Bella's big brown eyes across the pool as I walked to the edge of the highest board. Now was not the time for theatrics or showboating, so I did not dive, merely took a simple jump off the edge of the platform as Bella looked on.
A minute or two after I had exited the water, Bella nodded and turned towards the diving boards. She marched up to the steps and began to climb, neither looking up nor down. Her shoulders were tight, brow furrowed, eyes narrowed and jaw set in an expression of formidable determination. I could hear her swearing and muttering to herself in a whisper as she climbed higher and higher 'don't be such a fucking wuss, just get this over with and stop letting fear rule over you!', 'You're stronger than this stupid diving board and this stupid pool', 'show him you're not going to run away'.
I held my expression serene as my insides churned in anxiety for her. She was more scared than I possibly could have anticipated, and her facade belied the racing throb of her heartbeat and quickened breathing. I was most concerned she would falter on the steps or pass out.
As she neared the top of the final steps she slowed, taking a few deep breaths and willed herself to step onto the platform. She grasped the metal railing at the side of the board and took a moment to try and steady herself. Her eyes were screwed shut as her lungs and heart continued to work overtime.
Her breaths became shaky as adrenaline coursed through her fragile body and I could see her legs trembling, her knuckles white around the railing, as she fought a battle of wills with herself. I too was facing a battle of wills, every fibre of my being told me to go to her, carry her back to the safety of the ground, cradle her and soothe away her fears, but I knew she would not forgive me for stealing this chance from her, so I waited. And waited.
A few tense minutes passed like this and Bella showed no signs of moving. I wondered what was running through her mind as she stayed fixed to the same spot near the diving platform steps.
Eventually I could bear it no longer and said, as calmly and quietly as I could while she would still be able to hear me 'Bella?' Her eyes shot open and she gingerly moved to the center of the platform, away from the railing and started to tread slowly towards the edge.
When she reached a few paces from the end of the platform she froze again. This time there was nothing to cling to and my own fear skyrocketed. I became convinced she was going to faint and crack her head on the concrete of the board. I waited again, some torturous seconds, until I heard her breath catch and a tiny whimper escape her.
Without thinking I started for the steps, too fast, but thankfully unobserved. I slowed as I stepped onto the platform. Bella was so close now, but I was terrified of startling her and causing her injury. I started to speak in a low, measured tone "Bella, what can I do to help?"
Without moving she whispered "I can't do it Edward."
"Of course you can"
Her voice cracked and a few tears escaped her eyes, which were screwed shut again "I thought I could, but I'm too much of a fucking coward."
"You're not a coward, Bella. You're the bravest person I know"
Her feet stayed rooted to the spot but she slowly extended her right hand back to me. That was all I needed as I was desperate to comfort her and also to ensure her safety. Her hand was clammy and quivered as I gently took it in mine, she clung to me tightly, though I sensed her relax very slightly once I was by her side.
"Do it with me?" She whispered, fighting back sobs. She opened her eyes and looked into mine. Seeing her looking so vulnerable and scared, so defeated, I knew in an instant that she would be broken if we turned back. I nodded.
She took a few deep breaths and started to close the final distance between her and the diving edge, never once loosening her grip on my hand. We stood side by side at the edge and she said "on three, ok? One, two, three." She gasped as she made the smallest jump.
My eyes were fixed on her the whole way down.
We lost each other's hands as we hit the water, I didn't want to yank her and cause her harm, so let the water drag her fingers away.
She broke the surface and let out a squeal that echoed loudly around the Olympic sized pool, Her heart was still racing from the adrenaline, but this time she was beaming as she splashed around and made her way to the edge of the pool. I couldn't take my eyes off her, I have never, ever seen her look as breathtaking as she did in that one moment.
She hoisted herself up at the side of the pool and made her way to our towels. I joined her as she was wiping her face off, she beamed at me and slowed her movements, looking very earnest.
"Thank you Edward. You don't know how much that meant to me."
I smiled and said that it was nothing.
Suddenly she glanced over her shoulder at the platform and then at the giant clock that hung on the pool wall. There were still ten minutes before the next training session would begin. Looking back, she grinned devilishly and said "I'm gonna do it again!"
Before I could say anything she had set out, far more relaxed this time, still dripping from our first jump.
I hung back and looked through my bag for the camera I had brought along. I loaded in some Fuji Neopan 1600 ASA film and wound on a few shots so that I would be ready to capture the shot. I raised the camera and focused, checking the light metering and adjusting the aperture, thankful that I could take a perfectly clear shot without the need for a tripod or shutter release.
Bella made her way to the platform quickly, without pausing or panicking this time. Her heart and breathing were still racing, but I could guess that the adrenaline she felt was making her feel quite invincible this time.
She didn't stop to look at me as she walked out to the edge and I raised the viewfinder of the camera to my eye. After a few short seconds at the edge, she jumped. I pressed the shutter release and caught the moment, lowering the camera from my eye as she splashed into the pool, proving herself once again to be the bravest person I know.
She bobbed to the surface grinning and whooping again, I beamed back at her awestruck as she started to swim for the edge. I got a call from Alice, so turned my head to locate my phone in my bag as Bella was hoisting herself up from the pool.
I heard a thump, a strangled cry and a splash all in quick succession. Instantly I abandoned my search for my phone, and looked to where Bella had been, but couldn't see her. I dove into the water to get her, finding her at the edge of the pool still, a pained look in her face and a loud cry coming from her mouth. She was gripping the tiled side with her left hand and holding her right wrist to her chest. It was visibly swelling already. Her wet hands must have slipped on the tile as she was lifting herself up, causing her body to fall on her wrist, injuring it before she slid back into the water.
Immediately I was at her side, lifting her out of the water, as I kept us afloat with my legs, a feat no human could have managed, but she was so light to me that it was hardly any more difficult than supporting my own weight. After getting out of the pool I assessed the injury as best I could without touching Bella, who was curled up and writhing in pain, then grabbed our towels, wrapped her up and lifted her into my arms.
I had imagined holding Bella in my arms a hundred thousand times, but never like this. Nothing could have prepared me for the abject despair I feel that she came to harm due to my neglect and the conflict this created when juxtaposed with the fulfilment of that most fervent wish of mine.
As I lifted her, the world fell away from us, she held her breath and gazed up at me for the briefest of moments, in total surprise. Her body was so warm against mine and I cannot deny that a feeling of wholeness I have never experienced washed over me upon feeling her pressed against me, the weight of her head against my still heart, and my arms wrapped around her gently as I cradled her. It was all I could do not to lean down and kiss her, to confess to her how ardently I love her, how she is perfection, everything and the only thing in the universe to me, and how I am forever changed and a better man for having felt this love for her. I longed to tell her how even after the world has ended and I am lost, falling forever in the infinite cold of space, I shall tell the stars of her and that this feeling will endure, that she will be eternally revered, remembered and cherished.
Although this conflict raged fiercer than ever before within me, outwardly I acted with swift precision. Bella was hurt, and that was the only thing that mattered.
She was pale from the pain and shock, shivering and dripping from the water as I raced out to the front desk with her in my arms. Her head lolled against my chest, but thankfully she never lost consciousness, instead grimacing and cursing furiously. The first aider at the pool ushered me into the medical office and I laid Bella on the paper-covered bed.
Bella was whimpering and whining from the pain, and looked at me most curiously as I settled into the chair beside her. The first aider told me to go and change, and that Bella would need someone to collect her things so that she could too. We were going to have to make a trip to the emergency room for x rays and analgesia. Bella responded to this with a pained cry that sounded like "my pizzaaaaaaaaa!" Humans really do love pizza, it seems.
The locker key was on a coiled plastic bracelet around Bella's left wrist, I took it to the front desk and explained the situation. Five interminable minutes later I was dressed, and being brought Bella's things from the women's changing area by one of the female pool attendants. I thanked them hurriedly, and hastened back to Bella's side.
By the time I got there she had calmed somewhat about her ruined dinner plans, but her eyes were wet with tears from the pain. She was awkwardly bracing ice packs around her injury with her good hand. I had texted Esme while waiting for the front desk staff, and she assured me she would fill in Charlie. Within minutes Bella's phone was ringing, so I answered and held it to her ear. Bella spoke briefly with her dad assuring him there was nothing to worry about before looking up at me to signal she was done. I think she intended for me to hang up, but I filled Charlie in a little on my plan to take Bella to the closest emergency room and then get her home directly.
The medical attendant asked me to step out while she helped Bella change into her street clothes before we headed to the car and I checked my phone for the route to the closest ER, thankfully it was just a five minute drive away.
She looked quite drawn and pale when the door reopened, and my previous fears of her passing out resurfaced when she stumbled after standing up from the gurney unattended. I knew Bella must be in real agony, as she did not protest when I scooped her up in my arms and headed out to the car, thanking those who had helped us along the way. She still winced, even though I settled her into the passenger seat as softly as I could and fastened her seatbelt.
She kept her eyes shut for most of the journey to the ER at St Francis hospital, opening them once I attempted to pick her up again to carry her inside. She said "No!", then pushed me off with her good hand then swung her legs round to exit the car, thrusting me the ice pack and then grabbing my right forearm with her left hand to steady herself, wincing as we walked inside and up to the desk.
Three hours later Bella had been x rayed, prodded, poked and it only remained for her wrist to be braced before she could be discharged. She had bruised her ribs when she fell against the tile, as well as fracturing her wrist and would have to make a trip to have a plaster cast once the swelling had reduced in a few days.
While Bella's ribs were being taped I waited in the hospital parking lot to meet the delivery of the most popular pizza from the restaurant we had intended to go to. I got a cold can of coke and a Sprite too, in case she preferred that today, from a vending machine. I don't recall ever using one before, but I quite liked hearing the mechanisms inside move!
The glum look Bella had worn on her face for the past few hours dissipated somewhat when she spotted the pizza box I was carrying upon my return. Luckily she was pleased with my menu selection, and by the time she'd finished her third slice she was smiling a bit.
She slept most of the way home in the car, snuggling under the blanket she had claimed almost permanent possession of after so many trips in my car these last months. She woke up about ten minutes outside of Forks, as Charlie rang to check in with her. After their call finished she looked down at her wrist brace and complained aloud how it was going to take three times as long to type up her biography project one handed. I told her not to worry and that I'd help her.
I asked if she was in pain, but she said she'd gotten them to give her 'the good stuff' at the hospital. I am glad that she was not suffering any more than was absolutely unavoidable. I feel horribly guilty for being so remiss as to let her get hurt in my presence, it was unforgivable of me.
Chief Swan was waiting on the doorstep as we pulled up, moving to open the passenger door and look Bella over. As soon as he was satisfied she was mostly unharmed he grunted "No more extreme sports!" and didn't want to hear it when Bella contended that she slipped getting out of the pool and it was pathetically unextreme. I could hear his concern and also his distaste for my part in the whole debacle in his thoughts as he ushered her inside. He seems to think my name is Edwin.
On the doorstep Bella turned and I handed her the pizza box with her leftovers. She hesitated and blushed, saying "Thank you Edward, for everything.". She quickly leaned in, brushed her lips against my cheek, turned and practically threw the door off its hinges as she closed it in my face, racing up the stairs towards her room.
I stood motionless on the doorstep, slack jawed and wide eyed for some moments before I retreated to the car and drove homewards in an utter daze.
I still cannot believe she did that. It was indescribable, soft, warm, tender, and infinitely better than anything I had ever daydreamed. She smelled like chlorine, pizza and home.
I am so glad that I never made it to Volterra.
A/N: Please leave a review! Thanks so much to my wonderful beta wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! Bella's accident is similar to one I had as a child, I didn't break my wrist though, I slipped as I was getting out and slammed down into the pool side with my jaw. I still have a scar on my bottom lip! Ouch!