Cullen Family Meeting, January 3rd, 3:22AM – 5:39AM
Meeting Details:
Objective:
More shit about Bella
Location:
Dining room
Type of meeting:
Emergency (Again?)
Facilitator:
Alice Cullen
Called by:
Numbnuts
Note Taker:
Emmett Cullen
Time Keeper:
Fuckin nobody from the looks of it
Minutes agreed by:
Emmett Cullen,
Attendees:
Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale, Carl Cullen, Ma, Our Lady of the Blessed Bouffant
Agenda Items: Proposed by:
Welcome home! Jasper
Fizzy egg story Rosalie
Blah blah blah Bella Blah blah The Patron Saint of Puddinwhackin'
Alice says some words n shit Alice
Ma's sex table Ma
Bella's coming over to play X box Doctor Sadsack and The Semen Demon
Any other bizznizzle
_
Minutes:
Agenda Item 1: Welcome home!
Discussion:
Jasper welcomed Carl and Ma home. They both look thoroughly boned and are giving each other mad horny eyes and sighing and shit. Carlisle you sly old dog!
Captain Crywank tutted.
Jasper turned on his Radio Xanax thing to get everyone (especially The Captain) to chill the fuck out, Rosalie told him to stop trying to sedate her.
[Emmett's stick drawing of Jasper in a ten gallon hat sending out 'chill waves']
I asked if I could play X Box. Ma said later. Honestly though I don't see why I can't, it's not like anything ever happens in these meetings, Peter Peter Bologna-Beater says a lot of noisy stuff and big words and hisses, Rosalie gets all feisty (the ONLY interesting thing about the meetings) and Ma's table gets pounded like, well, Ma on Isle Domyownwriting from the looks of things.
Conclusions:
Carl laid some serious pipe
Emmett should be allowed X-box in meetings and while driving
Rosie hates Jasper
Agenda Item 2: Fizzy egg
Discussion:
Jasper said what happened yesterday when I had the fizzy snack to Carl and Ma.
[Emmett's stick drawings of yesterday's momentous events]
Carl was far too busy undressing Ma with his eyes to respond much. Ma seemed to be playing footsie with Jasper by accident. I think (hope) she was aiming for Carl.
GET A ROOM
Percy Pantsstain got all huffy like a little bitch and said they should ' try to focus on the matters at hand and refrain from replaying their recent sexcapades in their heads.' Fuckin' Killjoy Cullen strikes again!
Carl muttered 'jealous' earning a frustrated hiss from Reginald Rugfucker who pinched his nose between his eyes like he is very tired, but he doesn't get tired because he is a vampire, so he's putting it on! Who knows what crawled up his butt and died, but he's always like that. Guy needs to get laid, stat.
Neither Carl nor Ma seemed to give a flying fuck about what had happened, or the fact all their kids were in the room, as their eye fucking continued even while Montgomery Monkeyspanker and Rosalie bickered over yesterday and Bella finding out that we are vampires.
Conclusions:
No more fizzy stuff
Esme is a real goer
Agenda Item 3: MORE Stuff about Bella
Discussion:
Humphrey Hardon (hump free- geddit?!) frowned, a lot. He was saying a lot of stuff about Bella. Something about spilling every last goddamn bean he had to her last night. Blatherward is a notorious bean-spiller. He is such a gossip. Like an old lady! He smells like one too. AND he has a collection of cardigans like a total dickfarmer.
So Bella said she already figured out months ago that Wee Willy Winkiewhacker was a vampire but didn't know how to tell ole Twinkle Tits. Probably scared he'd faint or explode or something. Can't blame her. Ain't no freak out like an Edwobbles freak out. He really pulls out all the stops and COMMITS.
Rosalie was puffing up her chest and huffing, I think she was saying something, but all I noticed were how banging her jugs were looking. Hot damn Rosie, you gon' get it later. Imma bang you like you're Ma's dining room table.
Alice told her to 'be nice'. I prefer it when Rose in naughty .
Some words
Bickering between Horny McHissyfit and Rosalie
[Emmett's stick drawing of Edward and Rosalie fighting, Rosalie is breathing flames]
Conclusions:
All the beans in beantown have been spilled because Jackoff can't stop fiddling with his sad soggy chilli-fry.
Agenda Item 4: Alice says some words
Discussion:
Alice did her X men thing and updated us on her latest visions, which confirmed:
No current future where Bella spilled beans to anyone outside the family.
No possibility of Sir Wanks-a-Lot eating Bella. (Em: I'm not sure about this tbh, dude looks hella hungry every time he sees her. Hungry with a stiffy.)
No humans getting hurt.
A firm likelihood of Robofapp and Bella remaining close friends.
No possibility that the Volturi find out about Bella or this breach in vampire law. (Em: Good, Aro is a chode)
No possibility of Rosalie securing Spongebob Selfishpants' Vanquish. (one day we are gonna make it our sexmobile though, we have big, big plans. We're calling it FUCKMAGEDDON)
Rosalie huffed and sulked at this last vision.
Conclusions:
Everything is FINE- why are we having a meeting AGAIN?
Agenda Item 5: Ma's sex table
Discussion:
Ma roused from her post sex stupor slightly and noticed the shattered table, which had been krazy-glued back together, but now had many cracks and holes in it.
She frowned and Carl told us all off for destroying her 'beloved heirloom' saying that it had 'a lot of history.'
Frowntown winced and his hands flew off the table like it was covered in hot shit, then dry heaved. Gary Glitterpickle's probably worrying about if he can still wear a white dress on his wedding day or some shit. Seems Dr Sexy, AKA Carl was playing the highlight reel of him boning Ma seven ways till Sunday through the years on that very table. Penelope Pantsgasm clutched his pearls and asked Carl not to remember ' defiling the dining table during the family meeting.' Dude has a six foot stick up his ass.
[Emmett's stick drawing of Edward retching and Carlisle and Esme fondly recollecting their sexcapades]
Ma smiled fondly and winked at Carl. Awwww.
Carl waggled his eyebrows at Ma. Ew.
Nigel Knuckleshuffler stated he was very sorry about the table and would make a new one for Ma to apologise. Kissass.
Ma said 'My sweet boy.' (How comes I didn't get one of those, huh Ma? God doesn't have favourites, but you do apparently!)
Rosalie told Pete the PermaVirgin to 'stop showing off' and rolled her eyes.
Conclusions:
My Genital Romance is Ma's favourite ?
Agenda Item 6: Bella's coming over to play X Box
Discussion:
Phineas Peckerfiddler said Bella asked to speak with the family. This is good, because I have some questions for her:
*Does she know how to extract a six foot stick from a man's butt?
*Would she consider learning?
*Is she accompanying him to his 100th Annual Virginity Convention in the Bahamas?
*Can she PLEASE get Baron Von Blueballs laid, because honestly we all need him to chill the fuck out.
*Does she just, like, ignore the fact that he's got a perma-boner or, I mean… she MUST have noticed, I mean, it's right there, literally ALL the time, does she have a condition, like boner blindness or something? Is she a lesbian? She wears a LOT of flannel and it would explain her ignoring Gerald Gherkinjerker's lonely shrivelled junk. That must be it. Bella is a lesbian. Hot.
*How can she stand him? Hahaha.
Dr. Winky went all misty-eyed (and I think popped a massive boner, as I heard a thunk and the table tilted a bit) when he thought about Bella and Jasper sent everyone a reflection of Johnny Jackoff's feelings of adoration for her.
Rosalie muttered 'vom'
Agenda Item 7: Any other bizz
Discussion:
Ma asked me to promise not to eat any more bath bombs or 'fizzy stuff'. (So no more fizzy stuff, but there are some interesting looking things in the garage I'd like to sample…)
Wurzel Worrywort got all emo banging on about how he had told Bella her about the risk he posed to her safety, as well as stressing how dangerous the Volturi were.
I asked Jasper if he had games on his phone. He does! EMMETT OUT!
Conclusions:
Candy Crush is solid and it'll do nicely when you're in a tight spot, but overall Halo wins in terms of story and character development.
Jasper's notes:
Rosalie raised the issue of moving the family for safety. She stated she did not want to start over, but there was no choice given Edward's poor decisions.
Carlisle called a vote on the issue, excluding Bella as she would not be moving.
All family members attending voted to stay in Forks except Rosalie who stated, once again, that 'Edward shall kill us all.'
Edward hissed.
We are not moving, Emmett quickly started up the X-box.
Carlisle tried for a group prayer, we had all worked out excuses to leave immediately though. Thank fuck.
Outcome: Everything is fine, Edward's love life is better than ever. We're not moving. Esme is definitely gonna get absolutely railed by Carlisle again within the hour. Time to go for a run.
Esme paperclips a random picture of her with sex hair from her holiday to the minutes of the meeting. Nobody knows why.
[Edward's text to Bella]
Sorry to text while you are (hopefully) sleeping, but we just finished the meeting. We can all stay in Forks and Carlisle and Esme seem ok with us carrying on as if nothing happened. They seemed quite relaxed after their holiday, so I think that meant they weren't really so focused. This worked to our advantage though. I'm so relieved!
A/N: Reviewers get to ask Emmett to draw Edward like one of his French girls.
To see Emmett's stick drawings and Esme's EXTENSIVE notes to Emmett on these meeting minutes, jump over to deviant art and search for user LogLadyJ. The meeting minutes are in the featured gallery, along with a ton of other artwork from Edward'd journal. If you prefer to read with pictures, you can find this story with artwork embedded on STARS and Archive of Our Own too (username LogLadyJ).
Thanks a million to my wonderful betas itsthatkindofanight and wh1teow1 (please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!