[Bella's Christmas present letter to Edward]

Dear Edward,

I wanted to write to you because I get far too tongue tied and flustered to ever be able to really say this aloud. Especially to you. I'm not good at being earnest or sincere like you are. I think you could probably do with reading this again as well, whenever you feel the need.

My life changed a whole lot when I came to Forks in March. I had to make new friends, get used to the endless rain and adjust to sitting next to this weird guy in biology who looked like he both hated me and was simultaneously trapped in the headlights of my truck moments before I ran him over. That was you, doofus. Everyone told me you were gorgeous, but a total ass and not to waste time worrying about you. I figured that was kind of mean and I should make up my own mind about whether or not you were a total ass.

You were obviously very shy and awkward and kept inexplicably looking under the bench during bio. People weren't nice to you for the most part and it made me think less of them. Everyone deserves kindness unless they give you a solid reason to act otherwise and even if they do, they still deserve their dignity.

I spent the first semester wondering what the hell was up with you, what was under the lab bench that was so fascinating, and later why you gave me a business card with your cell number on it (and what kind of high schooler has business cards).

In the summer I got some answers and they weren't the ones I'd expected or hoped for, as you know, but that's not what this letter is about. This letter is about how I'm glad you did all that stuff, because it led me to you.

While I set out in September hungry for the chance to teach you a lesson and have my revenge, I never would have thought that I would be the one to learn so much. By working with you, becoming your friend and learning more about the complex and sometimes confusing person you are, you taught me so much. Our project was supposed to help us figure out our identities and learn about ourselves, but without you, I wouldn't have learned even half as much. I learned who I am and who I want to be. Even better, I learned who you are too.

You taught me I can be braver than I ever thought, that people can redeem themselves and genuinely change, and that I'm a work in progress every bit as much as you are. I learned to forgive in a way I never had before, and because you are who you are, you made me want to forgive you so much, unreservedly and completely. And I have.

I feel it's really important to stress this to you, because the Edward I know is still a long way off from forgiving himself. I wish you would though, and I want to help you find a way to do it. You deserve to forgive yourself and you absolutely earned every bit of my trust and forgiveness. You earned it through your endless support, consideration, compassion and empathy. Nobody has ever listened to me as well as you do, or taken the time to try and support me even when you don't understand. You've looked after me when I'm sick, made me laugh when I'm crying, kept me company when I feel confused and listened when I'm frustrated. You make me feel seen and valuable. I only hope I make you feel the same, because I see you Edward Cullen. And I value you, so much.

I've never had a friend like you and not because of the circumstances that brought us together, but because of how I know you never judge me, never jump to conclusions about me, never underestimate me and have unwavering faith in me. I am so much stronger for having your influence in my life and feel incredibly lucky to be able to call you my friend. You're my best friend actually, did you know that?

I know there are some things you still feel too ashamed or scared to share with me. I also know that you trust me just about as much as anyone. You don't let people get close and have spent a lot of energy on trying to distance yourself from everyone who asks to be let in. So I feel very privileged to have earned your trust to the extent I have. It must have been hard for you to let me in, especially as I know you feel such deep shame around so many different things, even though I don't understand why. I know you're flawed, you drive too fast, take things too seriously and insist that women don't have butts. You want to be perfect, and put so much pressure on yourself, but you're infuriatingly good at nearly everything, even with your flaws. You'd be totally unrelatable and I'd be far too intimidated to trust you if you were perfect, so I don't want you to be. I hope this helps you see that your flaws are part of why I trust you and you're my best friend.

I hope I can be someone who helps you let go of the shame you carry, feel proud of who you are and of your ability to change. You are not static and you have grown exponentially since we first met. I can't wait to have fun finding out who we both become over the next few years with you. I'm honestly glad you did all that weird stuff before the summer now, I promise, and one day I hope you can be too. I promise to stick around until you are and after that. I'm not going anywhere.

You can't see inside my head and maybe you wish you could, so I'll do my best to describe who I see. I see someone gentle, sensitive, intelligent and funny, who has a sharp sense of humour that is kept very well hidden, who is thoughtful, generous, reliable and sincere. I also see someone lonely, ashamed and anxious about literally everything, who is a bit of a prude and feels guilty about his own desires, who is secretive and private, but really wants to let someone in. I see someone capable of amazing growth who deserves to overcome the things haunting him. Edward, you deserve to be happy, loved, to laugh your ass off on a regular basis and to know deep down that you are good, because you are. Even the bits of yourself you're in denial about are good. I want to help you believe those things and find out how to grow into someone who is truly unstoppable, because he believes in himself and knows others are right to believe in him too. I absolutely plan on being there cheering you on from the sidelines the whole time, it'll be so wonderful to see.

Thank you for stalking me, for stealing my garbage, for doing probably the scariest thing you've ever had to do and confessing, for not running away and hiding, and for somehow at the end of it letting me find the best friend I've ever had in you. I know that we will stay close for the rest of our lives, because of the work we've put into building our friendship and I am so happy to know that wherever we go and whatever happens after graduation that we will carry on texting and talking, meeting up when we can. We will be able to go through our lives always having the security of the other by our side or in our hearts. That's pretty awesome, right? I know you'll be there for me whenever I feel sad and you'll tell me an awful joke to make me smile. I know you'll look out for me and help me figure out what to do whenever I feel lost. I know you'll make me feel safe whenever I feel scared. I know you'll celebrate my victories and commiserate my failures and find a way to make it all ok, because you always do, Edward.

While some questions remain unanswered: what colleges will we go to? What will you be able to achieve after you learn to let go of your shame? What will Charlie do once I'm not there to cook for him? What was under the lab bench in biology? I know we will find out together and that we will always remain friends, no matter what. I'll always be here for you, friend, and I can't wait to see what we do next.

Merry Christmas doofus,

Bella

A/N: Reviewers get to peer under the lab table with Edward.

Thanks a million to my wonderful betas itsthatkindofanight and wh1teow1 (please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!