Esme and I went rug shopping again today. We avoided the bath goods store (Emmett has developed a taste for soap), but managed to find some very soft socks which I am wiggling my toes in right now! I bought Bella a pair too, naturally. Mine have ducks on. Hers have cacti as I thought it would remind her of Arizona.

Esme said she wanted to have a word with me and looked a bit serious, then asked how I was feeling about everything. She said everything with a big emphasis that I didn't exactly know how to interpret, but then her thoughts replayed a conversation with Emmett, who has told her that I deflowered Bella in under a minute in our kitchen on New Year's Eve 'or something'. He said he didn't know if I got it all the way in before I finished. I should have seen this coming.

After I stopped hissing, and we got some napkins to clean up, I set Esme straight about how we did not copulate, nor did we kiss. She seemed almost disappointed. She patted my hand and said "Well, god loves a trier Edward, don't give up, I'm sure you'll get another chance with her. She seems ever so patient."

I explained that of course Bella is wonderful, but I don't see how we could ever be together, despite that being my dearest wish. Esme just patted my hand and told me "She's your mate, Edward. Have faith, these things have a way of working themselves out. Don't be afraid to put your heart on the line and be honest with her, above everything, you have to take a chance and let yourself be vulnerable. Tell her your hopes and dreams, don't let fear control you."

I'm not sure how much more vulnerability I can cope with in honesty. Esme went on to say that she's sure love will find a way of letting Bella and I be together and love can move mountains. When I asked her which mountains she couldn't answer though.

As much as I appreciate her sentiments, I lack Esme's sunny position on the possibilities of any of this going my way. First and foremost life has a way of making sure that doesn't happen for me. Secondly, the physical limitations are just far too great: I could kill her with a misplaced touch or fumbled kiss, and heaven knows I would be liable to fumble. All that overlooks the greatest obstacle: that Bella does not want to be with me in that way. Perhaps before she knew she considered it, I think she was curious, as her actions on New Years show, but now there can be no question that she would even consider such a thing. I should be very glad to be able to work back to the friendship we had before this revelation upset things and shall be very grateful indeed if we can ever achieve that. To invest in hope for more when it is so clearly impossible is preposterous.

Ah! I cannot help but wish it were so, but I shall have to content myself with my fluffy socks and a nice hug from Esme every now and again.

A/N: Reviewers get fluffy socks from Edward.

Thanks a million to my wonderful betas itsthatkindofanight and wh1teow1 (please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!