[Texts between Edward and Bella]

B: I can't sleep, are you free?

E: Yes. What's keeping you awake?

All those questions churning in my head I guess. Is it ok to talk a bit about it?

Of course. Whatever helps I'm happy to do.

So, when you stopped was it sudden? Like cold turkey you just started to live how you do now?

I decided to stop, having thought it over and battled with it for a few months. It was very hard to stop unfortunately. Once I stopped I never did it again. I came home a couple of weeks after. I was ashamed for Carlisle and Esme to see me because they'd know.

Only if you confessed, right?

No. My eyes. I wouldn't have been able to hide it. I didn't get to tell you this yet, the colour comes from our diet.

Oh, so that's why your family all have that colour?

Yes. And those who eat a diet that would be considered 'typical' for us, they don't look the same.

What do they look like?

Red. Burgundy for older ones, vermillion for the first year or so.

Oh. So anyone you meet knows right away?

It's written on our faces, yes. As is their choice.

And they take a while to adjust. A few months if you switch diets as I did when I stopped.

So you thought it over and decided you didn't want to do that any more, right?

Honestly, looking back now, I can see I never wanted to do it. I was just so angry and fed up with denying myself. I'd heard from a friend of Carlisle's we ran into one night that she thought it was 'tragic' for me to 'be deprived of the greatest joy of this life.'

Oh, so can you tell me more about that please?Sure. When I had been with Carlisle a few months I was just trying to get used to my life. It had been very, very difficult, to be able to be near people, to cope with all their voices and thoughts. I was in a world of sound all the time and it was sounds like it still is from what you've . It is. But it was worse then as I was not used to it at all. And I was always so HungryIt's worse when we're younger. We are very impulsive, and just are constantly ravenous and lack any real self control. And then on top of that was all that noise. I couldn't tune anyone out, or focus, it was like a thousand radios all blaring at once at top sounds really, really was.

So we were out one night, this was when it was just the two of us, this was before he met Esme. We crossed two scents I wasn't used to and I reacted very defensively. I was very young still. He recognised them as some old friends though so we caught up to them and talked briefly. There were two of them, both women. We had a brief greeting and Carlisle spent the night catching up with them. I didn't think much of that thought of hers in response to my diet as a newborn, but later, the memory of it was like a worm in my brain. It was always there, echoing around. I was plagued by the curiosity and knowledge that I was being deprived of this great joy. That thought of hers, that she didn't even know I had been privy to, fairly drove me wild. I ignored it, but it was there, always haunting me. I entertained it and it grew, monstrously. I asked Carlisle and he couldn't give me any answers, he had never tried that. I was so frustrated. That split second passing thought planted a seed of resentment that took root so deeply in me it led me to unforgivable acts.

I felt on the outside already, overwhelmed, raw and sensitive, ravenous but never satisfied when I ate, and miserable. I missed my family, and although I knew with certainty that Carlisle's intentions were kind, I wasn't convinced I wanted this life or would have chosen it for myself. Every second was a nightmare, I was just trying to hold on one more second, one more second, waiting for it to ease or something. And there was no sleep, no reprieve, no escape into dreams. It was incessant.

And then, three years after he found me, he found Esme, and she was so…she was really broken when he found her, in every way. And they fell so deeply in love, it was instantaneous, and suddenly I was the third wheel. As if I'd just been a stopgap and now I was stuck here, obsolete for eternity. I mean, I still am, I guess. But back then, the resentment grew in me, I coveted what they had in each other so badly. I was really so wretchedly unhappy. I was desperate. So, much in the way people begin to take drugs, I was just so blinded by my misery and anger. I didn't understand how anything could possibly get any better. In many ways it didn't until we became friends. I didn't have anyone I felt connected to really. Everyone in my family is wonderful in their own ways, even Rose. I know she hates me, but she is fiercely loyal, loves Emmett so deeply and has some very valid reasons for everything that seems awful about her.

I doubt it. There are no excuses for being such an unrelenting bitch to you all the time.

She could have been kinder, yes, but then so could I. I was horrid to be around for decades without any letup.

I stayed, for several years, trying to be who Calisle wanted me to be. I knew I'd lost my soul though and couldn't make myself believe in the religious ways that Carlisle was so sure of. I could hear him, so I tried really hard, for longer than I thought I ever could, to be a son to make him proud. I still try to in some ways, but I know that what I did then will always mean I come up lacking. It was so fundamentally against everything he taught me and believed in.

When I left Carlisle and Esme, it was just the two of them and me still. Esme had been with us for six years, and I'd been with Carlisle for nine. As far as I could see, there was no place for me and I was just constantly in their way. Usually our kind is solitary, or move around in couples. Typically our lifestyle makes us nomadic so as to avoid drawing suspicion. Every single one like us we'd met thought Carlisle was ridiculous for his lifestyle, we hadn't met any others who lived like that and nor did we know of any. I thought he was cruel and controlling for restricting my appetite. I was so hungry, all the time, it was driving me to the brink of madness and animals just were not doing anything to quell that thirst.

I decided I couldn't take it any more, being so in the way, and set out on my own to experience this 'greatest joy of our life'. I played god, used my skills to choose people who were guilty of the most unspeakable crimes, often catching them on the prowl, occasionally with someone cornered.

I imagine that for others who don't have second hearing, it provides an instant of peace. You become so focused and all consumed, you want it so badly, you'd do anything to get it and it is impossible to stop you. If you're hungry, it is hard to even protect your own wellbeing or be even a little discreet.

The more you have it, the more you want it, but the less relief it brings.

I could hear them though, their anger and fear, their remorse and prayers, as I did it. I think I knew from the first that I had made a terrible mistake, that I had sealed my fate as irredeemably lost. I was in denial for years though, I was so mired in my hubris I convinced myself I was doing the world a favour with my cursed existence, that I was morally in the right to be judge, jury and executioner. I was just a filthy addict though. I always knew that, I just wouldn't admit it to myself.

Did you find any of what you were looking for? I mean even though it wasn't what you thought it'd be?

I tried very hard to convince myself I had. I found a sick kind of power I suppose, and I had felt very powerless since the change. Power is addictive too. I'm so disgusted with myself that I did that. I feel more ashamed than I can express about all of it and deeply regret every one of those terrible choices. I wish I didn't have to tell you, but you need to know the worst though. You deserve to know who I actually am. I shouldn't lie to you by omission.

It's not all you are though. Not to me.

I hardly think helping you when you hurt your wrist because of me absolves me.

That's not what I meant.

Did you ever kill anyone who wasn't a criminal?

One. I heard him plotting to abuse a child, I stalked him and killed him just as he was reaching through her window. He'd never done that before, so he was innocent, but neither of us doubted he would go through with it, he'd been planning it for weeks.

When did you decide to go back to Carlisle and Esme?

I wish I could say that I stopped because I became humble enough to realise I shouldn't play god, but it was more that I was depressed. Deeply, profoundly depressed. All I saw was the monster I had become when I glimpsed myself in the mirror or in the eyes of others. My thirst was barely slaked by my quarry and I had only lived that way for less than two years. I knew I would start to get lazy, to kill innocents, with time. I knew I had to admit what I'd known all along then; the greatest joy was an empty promise. I was lonely. I missed Carlisle and Esme. I was such a mess. I found my way back to them a few months after I managed to finally stop.

How did you stop though?

It was very difficult, but there was no real choice. I was so desperate. I tried and failed over and over, for about a year. I kept resolving to never do that again, feeding up on animals to make sure I wasn't thirsty, living far away from people. But I always found myself back. With our speed we're never more than around an hour away from somewhere humans live. Nothing can really stop us apart from ourselves. If I had known of the Volturi in Italy, I would have gone to them and asked that they put me out of my misery, they do that sometimes, or otherwise I would have given them a reason to do it, in which case they would have, without fail. They don't give second chances or pardons. I didn't know about them though. I'm glad I didn't, I wouldn't have met you otherwise.

Did you ever try to do that after you found out about them?

Many, many times. My family became very good at stopping me with Alice's help. It took up a lot of their free time. I, um, Rosalie says I always have to make everything about me. I don't think she's wrong.

I'm so sad you felt like that though. I don't want you to ever want to do that. I know we talked about it once before, about last summer. I didn't know that wasn't the first time.

Have you ever felt like that Bella? I mean, not wanted to be here any more?

No. I get sad, of course, but it's never been to that extent. I can't imagine. I'm so sorry. You promised me before, that you'd talk to me if it ever happened again. I expect you to keep that promise, ok?

Even now?

Even now.

You are a very good person.

You are a very good person today. I don't know how I feel about before yet. But I don't want to lose you. I know that for certain. You're my best friend and who you are today is a very good person. I know that for certain too.

You have more faith and forgiveness for me than anyone I've ever met besides my parents.

How was it, when you went back to them? Were they angry? They must have been.

They were both very relieved to have me home and that clouded their judgement I think. They should have been far harder on me than they were. They just, kind of let me come home like nothing had happened. They made it clear that I couldn't go back to that life and I promised them I wouldn't and, that was it really. They should have turned me away or punished me, but they just let me slink in with my tail between my legs and play happy families. Sometimes I think I should have stayed gone, so that they didn't have to bear the mess and shame of having me in their lives, but I was too weak.

It's not as if you don't bring them anything Edward, they love you, you're part of their family, you contribute to the family too by being in it.

I'm trying to now, but until last summer I don't think I was anything but a drain for a solid 90 years. I'm revolted with my behaviour.

You know what though?

What?

You've got forever to make it up to them.

That's true.

So no more moping and self depreciation, ok? Focus on doing the next right thing and doing right by yourself as well as everyone else.

I'll try. I promise.

I'll help you and I'll be right here for you.

Thank you Bella. I should be supporting you.

Well, let's support each other, ok?

Ok. Are you sleepy yet?

Wide awake!

Same!

Hahaha

OMG my dad just laughed in his sleep. I wonder what he's dreaming about.

Want me to run past and check? That would be quite the invasion of privacy I suppose.

Hell yeah I want you to run by and check. I found a tracking device in the wheel arch of my truck first semester, so there is no need to tell me about invasion of privacy when it comes to my dad. He deserves a taste of his own medicine, even if he'll never know!

Sure you want me to take a peek? I can't unsee whatever it is.

Dooooo iiiiiit

Well, that was

Really sweet actually

I feel a bit bad

Don't

I made you

So….?

He was dreaming about when you were a baby

He was?

Yeah. You were splashing him while he bathed you

Awwww

Wait

I was in the bath?!

Oh fuck

Well you were about a year old

But yes. In the kitchen sink actually

But you saw me?

This is instant karma

Sorry. I shouldn't have.

Nope. Serves me right.

He's a good dad isn't he?

He loves you so much.

Your laugh is the same. Lower, but the same.

It was adorable if I'm being honest.

Wow.

Now you have to tell me a secret.

I do?

You've seen me in the bath!

!

Don't go all squirrelly! I'm just joking.

I'm already up a tree! It's too late.

Squirrel mode activated! [chipmunk emojis]

Those are chipmunks.

There's no squirrel emoji.

I shall draft a letter to Apple.

You ding dong. You still have to tell me a secret.

Hmm. Can we negotiate?

What do you propose?

Me not telling you a secret?

What do I get instead?

Um…. I'll drive you to the Thriftway?

No dice. Spill Cullen!

Ok.

There is a fly in my house.

That is not a secret!

It is! Nobody except my family knows. It's been driving us mad. We tried to catch it but it went on the ceiling then Emmett busted a hole in the ceiling trying to catch it and got his head stuck through the hole. He went right through the floor of Alice and Jasper's room. The dastardly fly still has not been caught.

That is hilarious. Still not a secret though.

Oh. Ok.

Tell me what you thought of me the first time you saw me.

Really? It's quite awful. I am not sure you will ever forgive me.

I'm scared. I don't want you to hate me.

Don't be scared. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

I feel like you should know how dangerous I am though, but of course I'm terrified. You'll hate me.

I won't. I know you wanted to kill me at first. I know you absolutely don't any more. I accepted that months ago. The fear I had about it was processed long before New Years. Do you think it would help you trust me more if you knew I knew it all?

Yes.

Then tell me if you want to. Sorry I've been pushy. I shouldn't have. I just want us to be honest with each other and not feel like there's something in the way I guess.

Are you absolutely sure you want to know that?

Yup. Tell me anyway. We are not who we were then. I promise I won't be mad and I'll be your friend, no matter what you say. Promise.

I feel like it's something you shouldn't know.

Well, that's what makes it a secret.

I'll tell you what I thought of you too.

You really want to know this?

All of it, yes.

Ok then. I wish this was different Bella, I really do. Anyway…

It was a cold Monday in March, there was sleet and the parking lot was icy at school. I saw you in everyone's minds long before I actually saw you. Everyone was thinking about how beautiful you were, some were jealous, some were…well…lets just say you caught the eye of many people that day. You still do, actually. I wasn't interested in the fact we had another student at school honesty, nothing was interesting to me. I was working on a piano composition in my head and stewing over Emmett and Rosalie stealing my journal to do one of their 'dramatic readings' to Jasper and Alice the night before, which had given them all a good chuckle, and had made me very angry indeed.

At lunchtime we trudged into the cafeteria as usual, and I immediately noticed that I was dangerously, ravenously hungry. I decided I had to go eat that evening. It was a lot more overwhelming than this, but I don't want to frighten you, so suffice it to say, it was many times beyond what I had previously experienced and very sudden. It scared me in hindsight.

You were sitting with Jessica and Angela. Mike, Tyler and Eric were jostling over you, all convinced they were impressing you and that you would swiftly become enamoured with them. Jessica was most displeased about this, but was trying to hide it. Her thoughts about you were not kind, I'm afraid they often aren't. Angela's were though, they always are, she is a very nice person through and through.

I sat with my family and began the typical weekday pretence of eating and heard Jessica thinking of me loudly. You had asked about my family and she and Angela were explaining who we were, well, who they think we are. When she thought of me it was as if she had called my name, so I looked up and saw you looking right at me, but I couldn't hear you. It puzzled me. I tried harder to hear you, but there was nothing. I wondered if perhaps I was somehow unwell, or losing my ability. I hoped I was, but it also scared me. I thought perhaps if I was ill then that explained my sudden hunger. Naturally my thoughts were entirely about me. I'm ashamed to say I thought of nothing else for nearly a century. I decided to talk to Carlisle that evening after I ate.

After lunch we had biology, I'm not sure what you remember of it, but I was sitting at the lab bench by the window, where I always did. You entered the room and walked in front of the heater and I got hit by your scent. It was like a freight train slamming into me. The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life was sit through that biology class and not act on the hideous, monstrous impulses I was experiencing. I held my breath through the whole lesson, but I still had a lungful of air from when I had been caught off guard. I gouged a large chunk of the lab bench from the underside by gripping it so hard. I realized before you even reached your seat that there could be no doubt that you were what we call my 'singer'. Something about a singer's scent is irresistible to our kind who encounters it. Everyone seems to have a different singer, so my family do not react as I do to you. You just smell very nice to them, for me it is far, far beyond that. I am sorry to say that even Carlisle has never heard of another singer surviving the first meeting. I knew what this must be, because I had seen it in other's minds before.

As soon as I could, I ran out of class and immediately drove away from school as fast as I could. I went to the hospital and spoke to Carlisle, switched cars with him as he had a full tank of gas and drove to Alaska. We have some 'cousins' there, they have the same lifestyle and diet as us. That's why we used to live there.

I took a few days, ate, a lot, thought things over and convinced myself I was being foolish. My cousin, Tanya, well, she's not a real relative, remember. Anyway, she has wanted things to become…romantic between us for some time. It was never what I wanted. She thought I just needed a distraction, I suppose. I felt deeply uncomfortable and realised I absolutely did not want to stay there. I wanted things to go back to normal. Not that normal was any kind of happy for me, but better the devil you know, I suppose.

I came home. Forced myself back to school. Ate till I thought my stomach would burst every evening. Developed a very unhealthy obsession with you. You know the rest.

I'm sorry.

First, I'm still here. Still your friend Ok? Nothing has changed.

Thank you for trusting me. And for managing to somehow do the impossible and not act that day. I'm sorry you didn't have anywhere to go that saved you all that pain. Of course I'm very glad you came back and we have what we have now though.

Aren't you angry?

No. Well a bit, at Jessica. Not at you at all. You couldn't help it. What you said just proves to me that you aren't what you fear you are.

Really?

Absolutely. You didn't give into it. You managed, somehow, miraculously, even though you didn't know me or care about me at all then, to resist all your instincts and keep me and everyone else safe. If that doesn't prove you are much more good than bad then I don't know what could.

I will never understand how you can be so forgiving. You amaze me.

There's nothing to forgive the way I see it. You didn't do anything but try to do the right thing. And you succeeded. Even though it was impossible you still succeeded. It's incredible. You're incredible.

I don't see it like that. But thank you.

Is it still really painful to be near me?

It's not so bad now as then. It burns a bit. I can ignore it though, it's ok. I don't want you to be frightened. Even though you should be.

I'm not.

I don't understand why you didn't just drop out of school.

I didn't want it to beat me. And then I became so obsessed I wanted to spend as much time near you as I could. I wanted to figure it out. And I wanted that feeling I only have with you, of what it might be like to be normal.

Normal?

Yeah. I can't hear you. So you're the only one I can be around and experience what it's like for normal people. To not know what the other person is thinking. You're the only one who can surprise me. It made me want to listen to you all the time and to know you. And it's so peaceful when I'm with you. That quiet and peace is kind of addictive I think.

That makes sense. I'm glad I can give you that.

Thank you for letting me have it.

So. I said I'd tell you my side. Do you want me to?

Yes. Very much so.

Ok. Well I was really nervous about school. I was freezing cold, my clothes were all I had, but weren't warm enough and I hate the rain, so that sucked. I don't like people looking at me, so hated being the centre of attention. I didn't want everyone to see me with the map of school, so I hid in my truck trying to memorise it before first period. School felt tiny, well, compared to Phoenix it is. It felt like I was in a goldfish bowl or something. I hated it.

I met Eric and Mike and couldn't understand why they were being so weird. Jess and Angela seemed ok. Jess was excited to make a new friend. Well, I thought she was. She really doesn't like me huh?

She doesn't dislike you. She just wants Mike and the boys to like her more than anyone else. She has a very high opinion of herself and sees other women as a threat first and anything else second.

That's sad. Too bad for her.

Indeed. She is viciously jealous of your friendship with me. It infuriates her.

Which guarantees you won't ever want to be her friend. She's short herself in the foot there.

In a way I suppose she has. There is no possible universe where Jessica is my friend instead of you though.

Huh. I hope she learns to feel less threatened and more like we're all on the same side.

That would be good for all involved.

So, anyway…Because I am obviously cursed by the timetable gods, I had gym on Monday morning. I hit the volleyball into Mike's head by accident like a total dork.

Haha! I wish I'd seen that!

Maybe that's why he's such a dope?

He was like that before.

Must be congenital then.

Anyway I was just trying to power through the day and get past the worst of my anxiety.

Mike, Eric and Tyler were acting like jackasses and I thought "wow, they are really short on entertainment in Forks"

At lunch you guys all glid into the cafeteria like some kind of movie stars and sat at the VIP table like you always do, it's like you float in or you're on ice skates or something. Haha. Jessica told me your names and how you are single but don't date. She was clearly put out that you wouldn't date her.

She was and is. Yes.

Still? Give it up Jess!

I wish she would.

I thought you were very good looking but also that you looked really angry and that was a bit scary when you were glaring at me. Your eyes were pitch black. When I went to bio you kept staring at me really intensely but wouldn't say anything. I wondered if I had BO or something because you looked like I was going to make you hurl all over the bench. The whole class you were leaning away from me and looked like you were trying not to throw up. I figured you hated me but it didn't make sense because you hadn't even spoken to me. So I was quite confused and felt really self conscious.

I'm so sorry I made you feel bad Bella. What a terrible first day.

It's ok. I was right, in a way. I do smell.

You smell spectacular.

Ha! What do I smell like? Blood?

You smell like freesias, apple blossom, lilac, roses and something else that is absolutely wonderful and uniquely you. And strawberries. But that's your shampoo, right?

Um, yeah. I can't believe I really smell like all those flowers and stuff.

You do.

Wow.

Sorry, does that make you self conscious?

A bit, yeah. At least I don't smell like fish or meatloaf or something.

Not at all. You smell like sunshine and flowers.

Aww. You smell good too. Really good.

We all do. It's part of our lure I suppose. I wish I smelled normal.

I don't.

How do I smell to you?

You smell like clean laundry, snow, hot chocolate, books, woodsmoke and a whole lot of other nice stuff.

Really? I wonder if everyone smells the same thing or if we just trick their mind into conjuring some combination they enjoy. Do my family smell like I do to you?

I haven't hugged them so it's hard to get a good whiff! But they smell great. Different though. You definitely smell even better than they do.

Yes! Hahaha

Do your family smell nice to you too?

Lord no! Emmett in particular needs a good bath!

Well, anyway, after that first bio class I was pissed though. I was going to confront you and ask what the fuck your problem was.

I would have been terrified. I probably would have hissed at you and scuttled off.

Sounds like you. Just as well you were absent then.

And when you came back your eyes were golden brown and you spoke to me a little in class. You looked very nervous. I decided you were just a handsome weirdo and that I should forget it.

Handsome eh?

Shut up Edward. You know you're good looking.

I didn't know you thought I was.

Um…yeah. Of course. You look like a freaking model or something. You all do.

Oh. Well you look like a pre-raphaelite painting.

Ha! Don't be mean!

Mean?

I know I'm plain. It's ok. It's just how things are.

You are anything but plain. I think this painting looks most like you.

[Picture of Windflowers by John William Waterhouse]

[shocked face emoji]

I don't look like that Edward.

No, well you're prettier of course.

You need glasses old man!

I do not! I can read a book from five miles away!

Show off.

Sorry.

I'm just kidding.

It makes you really uncomfortable if I say you're pretty doesn't it?

Yeah

Why?

Because I'm not.

I disagree.

I don't feel pretty. I'm clumsy and awkward, I blush all the time, my feet are too big and my ears stick out. There's a ton of things I wish I could change.

What would make you feel beautiful?

I don't know.

Have you ever felt beautiful?

I don't think so, no. Anyway it's arrogant to be like 'oh look at me, I'm so hot!'

Feeling beautiful and thinking everyone should agree aren't the same thing are they?

Maybe not. I'm not sure. I don't know how beautiful people feel.

But you do.

I do?

Yeah, you know everyone thinks you're gorgeous and is drawn to you. How does it feel?

It's just another reminder that they want a piece of an illusion I have no control over putting out into the world. They don't know me. I don't want them to find me alluring, I would much rather the outside of me matched the inside.

I think it does.

Maybe it does. My outside and inside are both unnatural. The closer you look the more you can see the monstrosity.

That's not what I see. I just see my best friend: a good man who tries really hard to be better, someone kind and funny, a dork who isn't like anybody else, but who is his own kind of wonderful. I just see Edward.

Wow. That's very generous, Bella.

Do you think your family see you like that?

No. I think they see all the mistakes I've made every time they look at me. Someone who took far too long to realise I was being awful and hurting everyone. They see my foolishness and my faults.

Is that all they see? Even Esme?

Esme sees someone lonely and wishes I had the love the rest of my family have in their partners, she fills in the gaps far too generously with what she wishes I were, and thinks if only I could find my soulmate that I'd be everything perfect she imagines. Carlisle sees unfulfilled, squandered potential and is eternally optimistic that I shall see the light and come round to his way of seeing things. Alice sees someone who is quite lost and very foolish but tries hard these days. Jasper sees someone warped from years of loneliness, but he feels sympathy for me now because of that. I try to hide my feelings from him, but I've knocked him out a few times inadvertently when he's caught me off guard and gotten an unfiltered blast of them. Emmett sees someone who dramatically overcomplicates every little thing and needs to 'take a chill pill' and just keep it simple. Rosalie sees someone dangerously emotional who lacks self control.

Hmm, they're all right, but all totally wrong at the same time. How does that even work?

I don't know. But yes, they all know me in a way, but somehow none of them see me.

Do I?

Mostly. More than anyone else ever has. You're just too generous about my darkness though.

We are more than our worst deeds or our best. We are more multifaceted than I think most people like to think. It's easy to say 'oh that guy, he's a bad guy', but you can be a loving father and brother, a loyal friend, a liar and an abuser and be all of those things simultaneously. Surely if we write people off as being just good, or just bad it's a dumb move.

Why do you think so?

Like, the balance is constantly changing, we are not done living yet. More to the point, we cannot know everything someone is to someone else. And how do we even judge? Like is the intensity of my feelings for you as my best friend comparable to the feeling of relief of one of the people you saved, or the loss of that person's loved ones? What is the scale for comparison? It's an unknowable quantity. I mean, perhaps, *perhaps* Jasper could judge, but only if he got to meet every single person someone met in their lifetime, at all the different times along the way. I'm sure he'd agree it's impossible.

More than that though, I think it's really damaging to think about people as just good or bad.

You do? I think you're just good though. Is that wrong?

Sure it is. I have the capacity in me to do both good and bad and acts which simultaneously help some people and harm others. I'm not a moral authority, that's for sure. We are all just muddling through. Look at my mom; she totally crushed my dad in a way he has never and probably will never recover from by leaving him. She didn't do it in a kind way either, from what I've heard. And she didn't bite her tongue about what a boring loser she thinks dad is when I was living with her either. Does that make her a bad person? Does the fact that she always bought me ice cream when I was having a rough day and watched movies with me make her a good person? Isn't she both simultaneously? I can't believe she's just one or the other.

If we label others as bad, then we place ourselves in the 'good' category. That is really dangerous. It lets us off the hook for self-reflection. We aren't compelled to interrogate our own actions and try to be better if we think 'well I'm not like them, those *bad* people'. That's BS. We can all become good or bad. We can all change.

And what does it say about the potential for rehabilitation, for growth and change, if we can't? If we categorise people as if the hammer of judgement has fallen definitively, then that means they can't (and WE can't) change. I don't want to believe in a world where it is impossible to grow. Which means I must believe in a world where even the very worst people can work towards redemption. If we call them monsters, it's writing them off, saying we are nothing like them, that we never could be.

If we see how we are similar, then we can see how we can be vigilant when we interrogate our own choices and make sure we keep being moral, don't get complacent, and keep making choices that are really good. Not just calling them good because we refuse to categorise ourselves as someone who could ever become bad.

None of us are pure. Purity is a myth. We are all a little bit of everything. I have it in me to hurt people. I am sure I have said insensitive, thoughtless things before and I am sure that I've wanted to punch you in the face before.

But I deserved that.

Doesn't make it good to do it. So, I'm not pure good, am I? Nobody is. And nobody is pure bad. I don't see things like those scales justice holds outside the courtroom. Because the weights are far too complex to compare and measure, it's not a binary thing like that. Sure, we can make judgements regarding one crime and the punishment it deserves, but for a whole life? I think that's impossible.

That's an interesting way to look at things. I suppose I think of how some of our kind are so old, the oldest I know of is about 4500, and for those who've never changed their ways, they are close to pure bad, surely?

4500?

YOU ARE A SPRING CHICKEN GRAMPS

Oh lord. Not with the gramps again, please?!

HAHAHA

Anyway, they're not done living. I don't have all the answers, and might be wrong, but I hate the idea of writing off the possibility of change, so this is the only way of thinking that seems to make sense to me. I might change my mind when I get older and become a republican or something lol.

It seems like a very loving philosophy to live by.

Well, I've never had to see if it really holds up in the face of betrayal or senseless violence against me. So maybe I'm just naive

It's a beautiful way to think though. Thank you for sharing it with me.

Have I converted you? Lol

You've given me a great deal to consider.

I'll take that as a win, considering how long you've spent thinking already in your life.

Anyway- you KNOCKED JASPER OUT?

Oh

Um

Yeah.

Not for a while now though.

Poor Jasper, I feel really bad about it. Alice was furious.

Poor Jasper.

Poor you for feeling that way too.

Well, I guess being really happy is the best way to apologise. Then you can blast him with that instead.

That sounds nice.

So what's the plan then?

Plan?

Yeah, how do we make you really, really happy?

Oh goodness. I don't know.

Hmmm. Do you think maybe you do, but you don't want to hope?

Well, hope has hurt me a great deal Bella.

That makes sense. The pessimist is never disappointed, right?

Something like that, yes.

Maybe start small. What do you hope will happen this week?

Hmm, I hope I can make you laugh.

Aww, I hope I can make you laugh this week too.

I'm gonna get some breakfast, it's morning already.

What do you eat for breakfast? Roast beef?

Hahahahaha no. Usually I have grape nuts or something.

Grapes and nuts, of course.

No, it's a breakfast cereal

[picture of grape nuts box]

Those are various berries, with some sandy gravel. I know what grapes and nuts look like and they are not them! You are mistaken and I am sorry you have been mis sold this product. Perhaps you should ask for your money back and write a strongly worded letter to the manufacturer?

The grape nuts are the gravel lol.

That can't be good for your teeth. Are you sure this is a foodstuff? It looks like a building material.

I'm positive. I'll have toast if that makes you feel better though.

What's that?

Cooked bread.

All bread is cooked, otherwise it's dough, isn't it?

You cook it again.

That seems excessive. What about the white one?

What white one?

The little one.

[picture of Ask Jeeves search results showing cauliflower, marshmallows, fish and other various white things]

Hmmm it isn't any of these. I shall interrogate Jeeves more thoroughly.

Ok, I'll leave you to it, don't use any dubious interrogation tactics.

Never! Jeeves is my friend.

He is helpful.

I shall report back later!

You do that, I hope you find what you're looking for. Thanks Edward, for being so honest and talking to me. I know it isn't easy. I really appreciate it.

You're most welcome.

Want to come watch a movie later?

Oh yes please! That sounds fun.

OK, come over after 7 when dad leaves for work. We can just hang out and watch cartoons and movies all day.

That sounds lovely! I will come over at 7:02! We can write that letter to the cereal swindler.

Better wait till 7:15, just in case dad is late, unless you don't mind running into him?

I will arrive at 7:02 and hide in the trees until 7:15 sharp.

OK lol. See you soon :)

A/N: Reviewers get to stay up all night texting with Edward.

(the little white food was rice btw)

Thanks a million to my wonderful betas itsthatkindofanight and wh1teow1 (please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!