Edward,

I needed to write this down as it took a while to organise my thoughts. It's important to me that you are protected, so I burned my draft of these questions in the back yard and made sure it was fully destroyed, there's nothing left aside from these pieces of paper. You've got the only copy now.

It's not for me to forgive choices you made before I was born, but I wonder if you would mind answering some questions for me so I can try to understand your thinking about those events in the present day.

You obviously feel incredibly guilty about your actions and I cannot say if you are right to do so, this is part of your life and part of your past, so only you can decide. I hope these questions, whilst confrontational, do not anger or hurt you, that is the opposite of my intention.

Anyway, here goes:

You said you believed you were helping people by playing god. If you had chosen not to act the way you did, what would you have done differently?

Would people have been hurt either way? I mean it seems either the victims of those criminals or the criminals themselves would have been hurt. Was there a way for nobody to get hurt?

How many people did you save through your actions? Could you have realistically saved them without harming those you did or revealing yourself? If yes, did you actively choose not to at the time, or was this something that only came to you later?

What purpose does feeling guilty serve at the present time, in your life right now?

What ways does feeling shame and guilt hurt or burden you and, perhaps easier to answer, those around you?

If the situations were reversed and it were me that did those things and then stopped, how would you feel about my actions? Would you be able to forgive me? If you could forgive others or me, what makes it so different in your case?

You compare yourself to Carlisle and while this seems to make a kind of sense, how do you compare to others of your kind who haven't stopped and who have never resisted their instincts in the way you have?

You weren't done growing up when you were changed. I'm not convinced the brain of a 17 year old can really think in the same way as the brain of a 23 year old like Carlisle. Most adults seem to think not. I'm 18 and I sure don't feel like I'm ready for all the responsibilities and complexities of a totally adult life. There are so many firsts neither of us have ever done, we talked a little about them before. I'd feel robbed if the chance to experience my first kiss, first relationship and all that other stuff that makes adulthood exciting and rewarding was taken from me. It's like you were given all the responsibilities and none of the benefits. It's hard to imagine you didn't feel angry, that you still aren't grieving for your lost future.

Selfishly I'm glad you were changed. I never would have met you, I never would have learned everything you've taught me or been able to grow the ways I have thanks to you if you hadn't been. You've changed my life for the better and I really value our friendship. Nobody else could be the friend to me that you have been, because nobody else is you.

I hate it that you were changed too though, I hate that you seem to suffer so much and feel like you can't form a different kind of future now because of Carlisle's choice. I can't blame him for being lonely and changing you, especially given the circumstances and the alternative, but I wish he'd been able to find a way to help you come to terms with everything before and after. Sorry if this is overstepping, but honestly, I'm kind of mad at him that he seems to have felt like it was ok for you to live in so much anguish as long as you kept your diet, especially after you came back to him and Esme. Religion was the answer for him, but it hasn't been for you and I wish he'd tried more and accepted that his method wasn't going to suit you. He's a doctor, he knows medicines aren't one size fits all, so why didn't he realise that about you in the last eighty years? I don't get it. You deserved better than being left in suspended animation just because prayer didn't appeal or work for you. It's cost you so many years. You don't blame him, I'm sure, but you're family, as an outsider I see an unfulfilled obligation to keep reaching out on his part.

You said you wanted to be a soldier before as well. You told me you had a kind of obsession with the idea. You also told me people take aspects of their personalities and they become enhanced after the change. Do you think your adolescent anger and urge to rebel, your grief and anger at losing your family and being struck down yourself, your grief for your lost future, your war lust or your desire to be the kind of hero that you considered a soldier to be, carried across with you? Surely you were angry about everything that had been taken away from you and how the change left you suffering and lonely, with no chance for romantic love, to make your own family, and cast you in a role as an eternal son, on the cusp of adulthood, but never able to actually get out there and start living it on your own. I like my life, but the thought of never being able to break out on my own and move past this transitional stage of life would drive me nuts. Might all of those factors have made your hunger worse than someone who was more peaceful when turned? I have no idea how these things work. I might be grasping at straws here. But do you think you hunger more than your peers because of the context surrounding you just before the change?

Have others in your family found a kind of peace or resolve about putting their past aside and focusing on the present and future? Were they right to do so? How did they do it (if anyone did)?

Can other people who did what you did be forgiven? Executioners, soldiers, vigilantes? Is it possible to forgive anyone who has killed? If yes, under what circumstances?

The next one is the scariest question to ask and answer I think.

Is it the fact that you killed those men, or the fact that you fed from them that haunts you? Would you feel better if you'd killed them but not fed? Is it because you enjoyed feeling righteous? Enjoyed being a saviour? Enjoyed the power? Enjoyed proving Carlisle wrong? Enjoyed the rebellion? Enjoyed feeding physically?

That's it. The hardest part of this letter is over. I want to promise you that you could answer yes to any or all of those questions and I would still accept you as the person I know you are today. I'm not running away. I'm right here and I accept and value you Edward.

Less difficult questions now:

What remains to be learned from this part of your past that hasn't already been absorbed?

Is there any kind of act of contrition or atonement that would help you feel as if you made amends and would help you move forwards?

In the past seven short months I have seen you change from someone who did not prioritise your moral obligations towards me to someone who interacts with me in a warm, considerate and incredibly compassionate way. I have seen you wracked with guilt and remorse, and manage to turn that into a way to propel yourself into growth (it took a little prodding from me to get you started, but after that it was all you, Edward). You've expressed to me how you feel you are a better man for it and I wholeheartedly agree. I wonder if there is a way to harness the energy you're expending on the guilt and shame in a similar fashion? Or if you have already done that (I suspect you have, as you appear to have used it to set you on the path that led you back to Carlisle and your current diet). Do you still need to remind yourself constantly? I suspect you don't, but that you don't trust yourself, meaning that even though those emotions have long since served their purpose and that they are actually just holding you back at this point, you fear relapse if you allow yourself to let them go.

I may seem very presumptuous, I'm young and have no experience of what it's like to be you, to face these dilemmas and to deal with the aftermath. I wouldn't be surprised if you dismissed me out of hand for my naivety, but I also wonder if anyone has put these questions to you and if you really considered them before.

I care about you a great deal Edward. I see your guilt as something that has served it's purpose and is now just holding you back. Of course there is a lot I don't know about you, your thoughts at the time or now, but even knowing what you've shared and imagining you were gripped by the worst possible motivations at that time, I can't ignore who I know you to be now, not through what you've said, but through the actions I've witnessed you take since I've known you.

I know you've told me you're dangerous before. I'm not ignoring that. But I don't feel in danger around you, actually you make me feel safe, like you'd do anything to protect me. I might be wrong, but I really have no evidence to suggest I am and plenty to suggest I'm right.

At the very least I want to help you understand how I see things, even if you disagree. It seems like it might help to understand where I'm coming from so you can trust me and know that in no way am I secretly scared or disgusted by you. If I'm right about who I think you are, you'll find that difficult to accept. I really want you to believe and trust me though.

I think we can have animal and monstrous desires and still be good. It's what we do about those desires that matters, just like it's what we do after we make mistakes that matters, even if it takes a long time to get there. I hope you can find a way to accept things you can't change about your past, because I really don't think the guilt and shame you feel are the best uses of your emotional energy. Just imagine what you could do if you directed it elsewhere. I'm not saying that it doesn't matter, or you didn't mean it, I'm not rationalising it or making excuses for you. However, ultimately those acts are irreversible and nothing can be changed by continuing to feel the same way you've felt for eighty years. I don't think there's anything left to gain from it either, but I do think that you could use that energy to make others and yourself happier if you could find a way to turn the page on that chapter of your life.

I think it might be time.

Your friend, who sees you for who you are and is very fond of you,

Bella

[Texts between Edward and Bella]

E: How are you feeling?

B: Tired, but ok. My fingers are sore. I'm sore all over, but ok. Thank you Edward. If you hadn't been there it would've been so much worse. I don't want to think about it.

It was very scary. I'm so sorry it happened. I ordered you a pocket charger, so you can make sure your phone doesn't die again. I got one for me too.

Thank you. I'm so dumb letting my phone die like that. I wasn't thinking at all.

Rosalie is working on your truck.

She is?

Yeah, she's fixed the radiator and welded it where it cracked. Usually you couldn't do that kind of thing, but, well, Rosalie has skills typical mechanics don't.

Oh wow. That's amazing. How much should I pay her?

You don't need to pay her Bella. But I would like you to let her check your truck every month or two, it's really old and I worry it could be dangerous if something breaks.

I'll take it to a shop, I don't want to put your family out. Especially Rosalie, she hates me. I'm surprised she's being so kind as to do this for me honestly. I should definitely pay her.

Maybe you can thank her and get her a gift or something to show your appreciation.

I definitely will.

I'm so sorry. I should've made sure you were safe before I went off hunting.

That's not your responsibility. I'm very glad you were there though, of course. I don't remember anything much after we left the truck until I woke up at your place this morning. What happened?

Alice saw it, she called me, I came to find you, brought you back. Especially put you in the bath, you were delirious. We gave you lots of warm fluids and wrapped you up, let you sleep. Carlisle gave me advice over the phone and checked you as soon as he got back. The others picked up your truck and towed it here with the Jeep. That's all really.

Thank you. I don't know what to say. All of you helped me so much.

We were all happy to help Bella, it's nothing.

I don't think it's nothing. Edward, I don't really know how to process what happened last night, it's very overwhelming, but I know if you and your family hadn't helped me, well, I think maybe I could have died.

I think you saved my life.

Don't dwell on it. Just focus on getting your strength back, ok?

I feel like I should do something.

What do you mean?

Like, this was this really huge thing that happened, or nearly happened. And you saved me. That's too big to just pretend it didn't happen.

Of course I'll always try and help you out though. You're my best friend. I care about you.

I care about you too Edward. So much. Thank you.

I'm going to try and do something nice for you and your family to say thank you.

There's no need.

I want to though.

Ok, well, don't go to too much trouble. And don't spend all your money on us, we have everything we need. Just saying thank you to them will be more than enough.

I'll need to think about it, but I definitely want to do something.

Well, I'm sure they'll be very grateful.

I'm going to get some rest now. I'm still wiped out.

That's a good idea. Sleep well Bella.

Can I come over tomorrow?

Actually, I'm going away for a couple of days.

Of course, I interrupted you last night. Sorry.

It's not a problem. I wanted to say thank you for your letter Bella. You said some very kind things and gave me a lot to think about. I'm going out of town with Jasper to take some time to consider what you said properly. I should be back in two days. I'm leaving my phone, as I won't have cell service that deep in the woods anyway. I will come back in a few days. I promise.

Thank you for telling me Edward. I really appreciate it as I would have worried otherwise. I wanted to ask if it's ok to visit Esme and Alice and talk to them a little, not about anything private. I can't talk to anyone else about this of course and I would like to know how they would describe their own experiences. I just want to understand better, not pry.

I'm sure they would both welcome you and be open with you. I'll tell Alice to reach out to you while I'm gone if you'd like? You can come over and we can talk once I'm home. I'll pick you up if your truck isn't ready by then, it should be though.

Thank you. That would be good. Try not to worry while you're gone. I'll be right here when you get back. I promise.

Thank you Bella. Please be careful and stay safe.

I will. I'll talk to you in a few days then.

Bye for now.

Just for now. Bye.

Reviewers get grateful texts from Edward.

Thanks a million to my wonderful betas itsthatkindofanight and wh1teow1. Please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!