There are so many things to consider in Bella's letter. She has thought about everything I told her a great deal and has found questions and perspectives I have never thought of before. She must genuinely value our friendship to say what she said and be so honest.

I cannot answer many of the questions she posed. Permitting myself to let go of the past seems to condone my murders, but Bella is right to say I am robbing others of the use of that energy now.

The best person to talk to about this was definitely Jasper, so I asked him to hunt alone with me. We went deep into Montana two nights ago and hunted at a leisurely pace, knowing we did not plan to return until two nights had passed.

Jasper gave me space to muster up the courage to speak with him about his past. I had to know about the parts his thoughts almost never revisit.

I asked him about his human life, his loyalty to the confederacy and how he now feels about that. He told me it was the natural choice for him and that he'd been raised with a wide range of beliefs about the world and slaves in particular that he is now disgusted by, he did not deny he had embraced them wholeheartedly without any coercion. He talked to me of his slow adjustment and how as soon as he was hit with the reality of the emotional experiences of the slaves he'd deemed so vastly inferior there was no choice but to admit how wrong he had been. Alice was the major catalyst in terms of actually trying to make peace with himself, as he had just felt locked in shame about his racism until they met. He said he had tried to educate himself and others somewhat, but found it so painful to confront that he had buried it 'like the worst kind of coward'.

His time with Maria and the newborns he had killed still weigh on his conscience. She manipulated him and he idolised her, but still, he did those things himself and the responsibility for that lies with him. He killed even more vampires than I killed men, he could feel their experience as he did, just as I could hear the dying thoughts of my victims. Worst were the humans he fed upon, the innocent thousands he drained without compunction.

I told him about my time away from Carlisle in more detail than I have ever told anyone, about the pleasure I took in the power, their fear, their deaths. It was a very difficult conversation, and not a quick one. We spoke through the whole first night just recounting our crimes, not finishing till well after dawn.

We hunted more and once we had fed spoke again about Bella's letter. Jasper agreed with her that the shame is not serving any purpose at this point, but also knows that shall not make it disappear. He said it would be a choice, to do the best I can with the future before me, as it is impossible to change the past.

Neither of us know if it is moral to forgive oneself of such heinous acts, or if it is moral to put our own contrition above what we might otherwise be able to offer those who care for us. I had never really considered whether I was punishing my family by punishing myself. They have been paying the cost of my crimes for eighty years too. I cannot pretend that I would not have been a markedly more pleasant person, less defensive and quick to anger, even if still selfish and arrogant if I had wallowed less in my shame.

Is it an act of love and gratitude to try and redirect my thoughts and focus or just an excuse? For Jasper it seems it is the former; he has resolved to live focused on the present. He told me bluntly "Edward, I figure if you've got one foot in the past and one foot in the future, all the present sees is a dick." He has a point.

We started to talk more about how he tries to make amends, how much contrition is enough, whether letting go of the past means risking making the same mistakes again before the conversation turned to Carlisle.

Bella is angry with Carlisle and thinks he should have done more to find a way to help me reconcile myself after the change and then again after my years murdering. Jasper doesn't agree with Bella, but said he sees why she might feel that way. He said "Religious folks like Carlisle are always going to think that's the only real solution. It's an integral part of who he is. And besides, I saw him try to get through to you time and again. We all did. You weren't ready. You needed Bella for that."

Bella has no concept of how difficult I was to even talk to about anything. And she started to change me before we ever even spoke. Caring for her was the first time I had ever even thought about another's thoughts, interests or struggles. I only thought about her feelings much later, to my discredit, but I had at least become aware of wanting to please someone.

I think I had wanted to please Carlisle so much in the beginning, to impress him and be a good son, but upon my first human kill I feel I became irredeemable. Carlisle and Esme's forgiveness merely made me scoff and eventually lose respect for them, rather than being humbled as I should have.

I could have resolved to be worthy of that forgiveness and in some ways perhaps I tried, by following the rules assiduously and never making trouble again until last year. The feeling of trying but failing constantly to be someone that anyone could ever be proud of made me so bitter as the years passed though. Any good I could do felt like a drop of water in the face of a raging fire. Jasper says this is a not a good analogy though and that maybe it's better to think of it like a scale. I have an eternity to keep adding to the side of good.

"Look at Bella. You were treating her with no respect, stalking her and all that dirty stuff, but you've turned it around. She's your friend now, she really cares about you. You make her happy. I can feel it.

It's not for you to ask how or why, you just need to keep doing right by her and making her happy. She has forgiven you because she knows that you've changed and learned to never be that way again. You can't actually. It's impossible having seen and felt what you have for you to go back to being so blind again. You can't un-grow, so you don't need to focus on that. You should just focus on putting as much weight on the right side of the scales as you can. It doesn't get rid of the bad stuff, it just changes the overall balance.

People call it a debt to society when someone commits a crime. They say you can repay your debt to society. Lives aren't money you can pay back of course, but we are less effective in doing good if all we do is count the debt instead of working on doing more good."

"So you think I should try to focus on the present?"

"Had focusing on the past brought out the best in you?"

"No."

"Has focusing on the present thanks to Bella?"

"Yes."

"Well I think you have your answer then."

"Look, I don't know how things will pan out with you two. She's your mate and there's never going to be anyone with more influence over you than she has. She is a good person, kind, honest, forgiving. You should trust her. She's really young, but she's still found a way to get through to you time and again and make you a much better person. We're all grateful to her for that. Rosalie will obviously never admit it, but even you can tell she's relieved that you have stopped being so antagonistic and petty."

"I've been such a shit to live with." I sighed.

"You've got forever to make it up to us." Jasper slapped me on the back cheerfully.

"That's what Bella said."

We raced a while, I'm much faster, but Jasper kept throwing thoughts of Bella at me to distract me and that evened things up a little. I still won though.

I came home in a better frame of mind than I had left in, nothing had been washed away of course, but I could see Bella again and would talk to her about what she'd written. I missed her so much even in just a couple of days. I miss her as soon as I leave her every time. It's like the sun has gone out.

A/N: Reviewers get to be missed by Edward.

Thanks a million to my wonderful betas itsthatkindofanight and wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!