Esme cornered me after school today and gave me a nice hug. After some prodding from her to try and get me to disclose what exactly is going on to cause me to skip around the house humming, I relented somewhat and told her Bella and I were getting along very well.

This backfired totally unexpectedly and spectacularly, doing nothing but throw gasoline onto the fire of her curiosity. She drew unwanted attention from the entire nosy family by proclaiming "Oh goodness, that's wonderful. Though, I do hope you're being safe Edward." Emmett hooted. Everyone in the family started towards us like a pack of rats catching a whiff of fresh garbage.

Despite assuring Esme that I make sure Bella always wears her seatbelt. Esme refused to relent.

"I mean you need to take precautions darling. You don't want to risk her getting pregnant!"

After a few furious laps around the house, Esme hot in pursuit, she tricked me by laying a blanket upon the couch and holding up the edge to create an inviting cave of soft safety. I was immediately lured under, she dropped it over my head and gingerly sat down besides me patting my back until the hissing abated.

"Do… do you need to… hold hands for that?"

"Edward, dear, I think you need to be brave and read some books about this sort of thing, but as long as you both keep your pants buttoned up you should be safe from pregnancy at least. What about your venom though? If you plan to kiss, I think you need to be on the safe side. At the very least you should be emptying the venom glands in your mouth daily if you plan on putting your mouth anywhere near that sweet girl."

No sooner had I asked how than I was bundled into the kitchen, my blanket fortress now a damnably soft prison. I was wrapped securely from all sides, with only my head exposed from the blanket, completely incapacitated. I had been duped!

Emmett blocked the kitchen door, grinning widely and Alice took up a post by the window. Jasper held me in the blanket firmly. There was no escape!

Esme started rooting around in the cupboards grumbling about how she used to have the perfect glass bowl for this and shooting a ferocious look at Rosalie, who squeaked quietly in response. Eventually she fetched a large plastic tub from the back of a cupboard, the one I had used for Bella's birthday cake last year and covered the top in some kind of clingy plastic from a roll. I did not like the looks of this at all.

Esme had images of cobras and asps, their fangs piercing plastic over the top of drinking glasses and their venom dripping down, to be collected inside. She told me to bite through the plastic and collect my venom in the tub in the same fashion. Emmett started giggling.

As soon as I bit through the plastic wrap all hell broke loose, Emmett started doing moose calls (apparently to try and get the venom flowing?), Jasper was shooting me hungry waves from his iron grip behind me, Alice defended the window and showed me visions of future hunts, Esme was rubbing me on the back telling me "I'm proud of you sweetie!", Carlisle emerged from his office with a rosary, repeating some kind of anti fornication prayer in hyperdrive and Rosalie took the opportunity to roll her eyes and get in a few good hisses at me. Five arduous minutes later the tub was full and starting to melt rapidly in Esme's hands. I was exhausted, humiliated and thoroughly emasculated. Not to mention totally bewildered.

My mouth feels very dry now. The lack of venom I suppose. I've promised Esme that I will keep up this 'milking routine' (shudder), but have begged her to let me do it in the privacy of my bathroom from now on. Carlisle is not happy about the prospect of me touching Bella in what he insists is an immoral fashion (he was imagining me blowing Bella a pre-marital close mouthed kiss).

One thing is clear- Bella must never find out about this. I could never recover.

Commenters get to hold the tuppaware during Edward's milking.

Thank you to my wonderful readers and the two best betas I could ask for: itsthatkindofanight & and wh1teow1 please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!