The time had unfortunately come for 'Emmett's Big Mermaid Hunt' as he insisted upon calling it. Of late he has been doing more of his 'research', involving a great many post it notes, a pack of highlighters which have never once been used to mark anything even remotely important, and the following DVDs:

Disney's The Little Mermaid

Splash

Splash Too (the little known and substantially inferior made-for-TV sequel to the aforementioned Splash)

Cher's 1990 film 'Mermaids', which seems to feature not a one of the titular creatures, despite its devilishly catchy soundtrack.

He has also acquired several VHS tapes of unknown (and dubious) origin, which seem to be compilations of public access TV pieces where crackpot after crackpot discuss their 'sightings' and conspiracy theories. Most worryingly this signifies that there is someone else out there thinking along the same lines as Emmett. Heaven help us all!

The 'hunt' began innocuously enough, with myself, Jasper and Emmett piling into the jeep and collecting Bella, before making a drive along the coast. It would have been a most pleasant drive had it not been for Emmett's enthusiastic bellowing of, alternately, Ariel's song from The Little Mermaid and The Shoop Shoop Song from the aforementioned Cher movie. Incidentally, Emmett does a shockingly good Cher impersonation, Jasper was tapping his toe and typically he says that 'anything besides country music is horseshit'.

I very much enjoyed the sea breeze and Bella's delicious jiggling as the Jeep rumbled along the open road. The Volvo doesn't rumble, which is probably just as well, as my prominent erection might interfere with the steering column, it was explosively stimulating! Thankfully I had thought to bring a jacket which I hung over the offending protrusion and venomous damp patch, hopefully leaving Bella unawares as to the horrors which lay beneath. Will my loins never come to heel?

Emmett put a swift end to my reverie, and sadly to Bella's jiggling too, when he screeched on the breaks and pulled the jeep to the side of the road. Leaping out pointing at some far off flotsam upon the waves he squealed "THERE SHE IS!" and started rushing towards the water. It took Jasper and I both to restrain him. Bella took over filming for Jasper, all of us would want to relive this episode if past misadventures have been anything to go by. Emmett redoubled his hollering, thrashing against us as he wailed a mournful, tortured lament of The Shoop Shoop Song out over the slate coloured waves.

We managed to calm him down, promising him it was ok to go for a swim, but he had to promise to a) come back before Bella had to be home for tea at 6pm and b) take Jasper's Go Pro with him to document his findings. He readily agreed, stripped down to some lurid board shorts and waddled off into the waves, singing merrily to his imagined sea mistress.

Bella, Jasper and I had come prepared with a travel Monopoly set, several compilation CDs, blankets and sandwiches for Bella, and a selection of several hundred anecdotes about Emmett's past buffoonery. We began our wait by a bracing stroll along the beach. Bella almost got swept away by the wind a few times, but I held her hand so that she did not fly away on the breeze. Jasper built a fire and we sat near that for a while on some driftwood, while Bella adorably munched and belched her way through whatever foul smelling stuff was in her sandwiches.

I thought it was time to put Bella down for a nap, so we extinguished the fire and made our way back to the Jeep. Jasper got out a telescope and reported to Bella that Emmett was still swimming, and that he and I could both hear he was still crooning across the waves. Bella somehow powered through the afternoon without a nap! She is so clever! We played monopoly and told Bella an Emmett's greatest hits of sorts, recounting the time he watched The Da Vinci Code and we had to intercept him, narrowly preventing him from scaling the glass pyramid entrance to The Louvre in broad daylight, as well as the time when he became convinced that the moon was made of cheese, a fancy which has proven its staying power since its first inception in 1972. Bella realised, as we all have, that Rosalie must have some sort of saintly qualities to be able to put up with his incessant shenanigans. Jasper explained to Bella that Rosalie had been the one to find and save Emmett, begging for him to be changed and therefore she is responsible as anyone for the monster which she had a hand in creating. Well. He isn't wrong.

At 5:45pm sharp Emmett started whooping and celebrating and Jasper checked on him with the telescope. "Edward! He's… You're not going to believe this… I think he's actually found someone!" Bella tried to zoom in with her phone to get a picture, but it wasn't very clear at all what she had captured, given the distance.

We all immediately started worrying that he had perhaps found a corpse, or that he might have abducted a nearby swimmer, braving the February waves for reasons unknown. He definitely had someone with him as he started to make for shore again. It seemed that Emmett's fastest doggy-paddle would leave us in doubt only for a few short minutes as we bundled Bella up to make our way to meet him. But alas, as I was helping Bella into her jacket Jasper and I heard the crash of an especially large wave and, seconds later, a thunderous howl of agony so loud even Bella could make it out.

We rushed to the water's edge just as a bedraggled, sobbing Emmett washed up. Alone. Missing his board shorts. And, mercifully, face down. I shielded Bella's eyes as we lugged his pale snivelling form off the beach and wrangled him against his will into some clothes. Must he always fight us so?

Jasper retrieved his camera from the holder affixed to Emmett's meaty forehead, but found it had been smashed in the vampiric display of grief that he had still not completed (nor would he for many hours yet to follow).

Bella gave Emmett a friendly pat on the shoulder after we had put him in the trunk of the Jeep in the fetal position. She coaxed his somewhat incoherent tale of woe from him. It was muffled by the fact that he was in the trunk, but from what I could gather, it seems he had swum out to whatever it was that he was (and is still) convinced is a mermaid. He said she had been very slippery, but without a fish tail as he had anticipated. He said she was very, very beautiful and shy, apparently not saying much, but communicating with the occasional soft hiss. Nothing out of the ordinary there, I have found hisses more effective than words on many an occasion when dealing with Emmett. He cajoled her towards shore and was almost within reach of the shore when that especially large wave hit and her little hand-flipper (? He was quite unclear on this front.) was wrought from his grasp. Emmett's maritime beauty was swiftly dragged under the waves, out of sight, just moments before Emmett was washed up on the beach, naked and blubbering. It is as yet unclear as to whether Emmett abandoned his shorts purposefully or against his will. Either way, they are long gone, lost in the depths of the Washington coast's murky squall, along with whatever the hell that thing was that Emmett found. It was not a mermaid. Of that I am certain. All we have as evidence is Bella's blurry cell phone picture and a single corrupted image Jasper managed to retrieve from the damaged data card within his ruined camera.

We drove home, dropping Bella off only slightly behind schedule for dinner. Once Rosalie had stopped guffawing at him she took him off to bed and promised him she'd get him a balloon at the mall tomorrow. That seemed to do the trick, for the time being at least. I sometimes wonder what on earth she sees in him, but I suppose he is easily pleased. Would that I were so. We can all learn a thing or two from Emmett. Probably not more than two though.

A/N: Reviewers get to jiggle in the Jeep whilst singing backup for Emmett on The Shoop Shoop Song with Edward
CURSED MERMAID IMAGES AVAILABLE! For integrated illustrations that FFN won't allow, follow this story on AO3, STARS, or check my DeviantArt 'featured' gallery. I'm LogLadyJ on all those platforms as well.

Thanks a million to my wonderful betas itsthatkindofanight and wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!