I was deep in thought and feeling conflicted as ever on my journey home. I cannot shake thoughts of how ungentlemanly my actions with Bella have been. Or how much more ungentlemanly a large part of me wishes to be with her. I am torn between my desires, which Bella believes are natural and healthy, and the beliefs I was raised with.
If I were human, I could do things properly. I could try. Maybe I could marry her, if she would permit me. I would at least keep asking her, I would wait for her and not kiss her until we were wed. I would try at least, though I don't know if she would accept me. I could tell her how ardently I love her. I am not human though. It is not possible for us and I wish more than anything that it were.
I cannot believe it is unholy to love her as I do. Every touch feels like worship.
And yet everything I have been taught tells me such pleasure is wrong
I am deeply conflicted. The only time I am not is when we touch, then everything is whole and pure and so blissfully simple. The joy washes out everything else, I simply cannot hear it. It is ecstasy. She is peace.
When I came close to the house after my hunt I could hear Esme's raised voice and slowed to a walk. I did not wish to interrupt and hoped whatever upset would be over before I reached them. Esme and Carlisle were having a full blown shouting match, something which is exceedingly rare. I was just about to turn and leave them in privacy when I heard my name and stilled.
"You have to stop this. It's not fair to Edward!"
"Well he refuses to stop himself. What am I supposed to do Esme? Let him just throw away his virtue and hers for the sake of some torrid teenage urges?"
"Yes. That's exactly what you're supposed to do! Trust him. He is a good boy. Let him and Bella make their own decisions. It's none of your business."
"How can you say that? He is our son! It's our duty to guide him."
"He's 109 Carlisle! For crying out loud, he's not a child."
"Well he certainly is acting like one. Left to run its course this could be disastrous. What if they give into their lust? They'll ruin themselves forever."
"Is that what you think of Alice and Jasper? They were together years before you convinced them to marry."
"Of course not. That's different!"
"It isn't different at all."
"But I can stop this before they sin Esme! This is their immortal souls we're talking about here!"
"And what does that matter if you ruin the only chance at love he'll ever have and he runs off to Volterra, huh?!"
"I won't let that happen."
"So then what? You shame him away from her and then just keep him locked in his misery indefinitely? Then you'd be no better than Aro, trapping Marcus in an eternal living hell!"
"That is not what will happen Esme. He can still be with her, just in an honourable way."
"Open your eyes! You can't stop this. They're already bonded. They were as soon as they laid eyes on one another."
"We have to draw the line, I will not stand by and let this get physical."
"Carlisle you're pushing him away from us. Can't you see you're hurting him? He's been through enough. He's waited so long to find someone and he deserves affection. Now you're interfering and making him feel ashamed of himself just when he's finally ready to open up to someone."
"He doesn't need to open up Esme. He needs to pray and keep both of their purity at the forefront of his mind."
"That's what you want. It doesn't mean that's what's best for him!"
"If he just steps back and prays on it he will see that if he really cares for her he will not defile her or himself. This is what happens when we let him spend too much time with her and not enough time with the bible. Look, he's been just fine for the last century and he shall continue to be fine once this ends. And it will end. It's just a question of how much we let them sin in the meantime."
"Carlisle if you push him too hard we will lose him. We almost lost him last year because he was so desperately lonely! And you know this would be so much worse. That poor boy has watched, and heard and seen in his mind, all six of us around him for decades and all he's had for company has been a long series of lifeless rugs! He is in love, Carlisle. Real love. Every bit as valid as what we have. I refuse to lose him and I refuse to let you shame and bully all the joy out of him."
"So what? I'm supposed to just turn a blind eye to all of this debauchery? That's not how we raised him! Esme, he has held her hand! What next?! I'm going to do the right thing for Edward, and the right thing for Bella whether you like it or not. End of discussion."
"Well you can, but I warn you now: either you button your lip, keep your prayers for when he cannot hear you and let Edward have the joy and affection he's been deprived of for a century, or you can get a little taste of what that deprivation is like first hand until you can learn to empathise a little better with him."
"Wha…what are you saying Esme?"
"If you force Edward into a life of celibacy you'll find yourself in one as well, darling."
I heard quiet footfall and a door closing softly as Esme walked away from the argument while Carlisle blustered in shock. Knowing what a randy old goat Carlisle is, this could prove to be a powerful motivator for him to reconsider his stance on chaste forehead kisses and hand holding.
Everything's coming up Edward!
A/N: Reviewers get blissful kisses that feel like worship with Edward. *Swoons*
Thanks a million to my wonderful betas itsthatkindofanight and wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!