[Text message conversation]

B: EDWARD!

E: Yes dear?Why is everyone at school snickering and pointing at me? And why did Tyler Crowley ask me if we finished working our way through the karma sutra?

Oh no. Oh dear.

What did you do?

It was supposed to be anonymous.

WHAT WAS? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Um.

Nothing?

EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN YOU TELL ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT OR YOU'RE IN SUCH BIG TROUBLE

Well, you see

Anyway, have I told you you look very lovely today?

STOP STALLING

So pretty!

Beautiful Bella.

You tell me right now or I'm calling Esme to investigate

NO!

Your choice Edward.

You see, I needed a book or two. So I ordered some.

I feel like there is more to this. Does this have anything to do with why your bag is literally as heavy as a rock and the strap broke when you were leaving through the window this morning?

Maybe.

OUT WITH IT EDWARD.

Well, you see I took precautions. I wore a disguise and used a pseudonym. Paid cash, I even had correct change especially, AND I changed my walk and everything. It was a foolproof plan Bella. I'm so sorry.

What were these books about, exactly?

Which books?

The ones you bout yesterday, the ones that broke your bag and spilled all over my yard into the mud earlier and caused you to hiss and squeak for a good ten minutes whilst yelling that I should 'shield my eyes'. You were running round like your pants were on fire. I think you scuttled your way down to the bedrock in the back yard!

You saw that?

I think people on the International Space Station saw that, Edward. Now spill the beans- what am I missing here?

about downstairs things.

You know. *things*

Porn?

No!

Then what. It was research. Oh god. What kind of research? About ladies. Right. What were these books called?

I just bought these ones [Attached document "Lord Sir Cedward Mullen Book Barn Port Angeles "]

EDWARD! There are over 500 books on this list!WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING BUYING A TRUCK FULL OF SEX BOOKS FROM THE STORE WHERE JESSICA WORKS YESTERDAY?

Um

I'm waiting.

Er

Well I

You what?

Well things didn't quite go according to plan you see.

What plan? What are you talking about? And why is everyone else in the entire school also talking about it?

Oh no.

Oh dear.

This is very bad.

I hadn't bargained for the fact that Jessica would be working the cash register. Nor for the fact that my disguise would not adequately conceal my identity.

What disguise? What are you talking about?

I WORE A HAT

Of course Jessica would recognise you in a hat! For fucks sake!

I can't believe you did this. Why didn't you use the Internet?

I DID

I ordered the books online and picked them up yesterday.

Why didn't you use Amazon?

I didn't see the need to fly to Brazil. In hindsight that was an oversight on my part. I sincerely apologise. Please forgive me.

I'm fucking mortified.

I'm so, so sorry Bella.

Where are all these books now?

About fifty are in my locker and bag. The rest are hidden under my floorboards.

Why do you need them all anyway?

Well, I wanted to make sure I didn't hurt you. And I wanted to make you feel nice.

Please don't leave me Bella.

Ughhhhhhhh.

I'm not gonna leave you.

You're not?

No. I can't even be that mad at you really.

You can't?

No. I guess you were just trying to educate yourself.

Finally.

But why, for the love of god, did you not just look in your biology book?

Oh

I didn't think to

Clearly.

And I glued those pages together so I couldn't see them.

Of course you did.

I'm really sorry sweetheart.

Please let me make it up to you.

I don't think there's any undoing these rumours at school Edward. And Emmett is going to have a fucking field day.

Oh god.

Emmett.

Yup. You should've thought of that before you bought a metric ton of sex books.

I really should have.I wanted you to feel nice. Im so sorry.

Oh Edward. What am I going to do with you?

Perhaps a cuddle? I could use a cuddle.

You big dope.

I'm your dope.

You are. God help me.

Did you at least learn that women have butts?

Yes! I was most surprised indeed!

Did you get to the front yet?

I'm still working on the under side

Oh! Well I guess that's where a lot of the important stuff is.

It''s ever so complicated Bella. Did you know women have all these different tubes and things?

Of course I do!

And that the feet are connected next to the genitals on the sensory homunculus?

The what?

In the cerebral cortex.

You're really learning a lot.

I want to make you feel nice.

You do.

I do?

Always. Even if you are a big dope.

A big dope with an encyclopaedic knowledge of ladies things!

Huh. I guess so.

So are we going to be able to actually have a conversation about this stuff now?

Um.

No need.

I've got it covered.

I'm sure those books say something about the importance of communication.

Well yes. But not to worry.

We're talking about it. I'll try to be patient.

It may take a long time.

That's ok. There's no rush.

Bella, you are the kindest person I've ever met. And the most patient too.

I must be. You're worth it though.

Bring the best five books over and I'll read them ok?

Really?

Yeah. There's a lot I don't know. It's not like I have any practical experience.

Nor do I.

That's ok. We can study together.

We can?

Yeah.

Hey Edward?

Yes?

Are you a kinaesthetic learner?

A/N: Reviewers get a private study session with Edward.

Thank you to my wonderful readers and the two best betas I could ask for: itsthatkindofanight & and wh1teow1 please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!