Minutes of the Cullen Family Meeting
February 12th
7:15 PM – 8:59PM
Objective:
Lets get these cherries busted y'all!
Location:
Dining room
Type of meeting:
I don't fucking know? Not emergency for a fucking change?!
Facilitator:
Alice Cullen
Called by:
Bruce D. Cocque
Note Taker:
DJ Emmster
Time Keeper:
Jasper Hale
Minutes agreed by:
Carl Cullen, Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Colin Forseggs
Attendees:
Harry Johnson, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale, Esme Cullen, Carl Cullen Benjamin Franklin Swan
Agenda Items: Proposed by:
1) He's gonna bone her in the zoner - I. P. Freely & Ben Shapiro
2) Grandpa smells of pee - Alice
3) Rugmagheddon - Emdizzle
4) Any other business
Minutes:
Agenda Item 1: TBZ (The Bone Zone)
Discussion:
Seymour Buttz and Beethoven thanked everyone for attending the meeting at short notice.
BBQ sauce gave me bubbles. She is fucking awesome.
Christian Bale said she wanted to make it clear that she is very grateful for the warm welcome the Cullens have given her and apologised for being what Rosalie has repeatedly referred to as 'too squelchy'. She thanked everyone again for their help during the snow storm and Rosalie especially for fixing her radiator.
Rosalie thanked her for the DVD and CD soundtrack of Mama Mia 2: Here We Go Again and Drew Peacock groaned as the family burst into song.
After a ten minute song along medley intermission with dancing and bubbles, the meeting resumed.
Carl kept shifting his chair closer trying to get all up in Esme's business, but each time she shifted away, causing everyone to shuffle around the new dining table and creating a constantly moving, rotation of the family throughout the meeting.
Pat McGroin said the reason for the meeting was he wants to build a sex palace for him and Burger King to bone in. I shall call it The Bone Zone.
Harry Wang insists it will not be called The Bone Zone. Let's see who wins this one Eddie boy!
Everyone agreed that Mike Rotchburns needs a space where he can be alone and not feel like the family are listening to him and Bono.
Emmett agreed saying "Yeah, I am a fucking nightmare."
Rosalie said that she wishes Phil McAvity had thought of this earlier since now Barney has now 'ruined all the toilets in the house' (she has used them).
Beh explained her plan of raising money and scavenging materials to build a cabin small enough that it doesn't need a building permit.
Jasper noted Master Bates' trash raiding expertise should come in handy.
Lou Sassle hissed.
Emmett blew bubbles and we all had a nice family scuttle chasing them until they popped.
Jasper suggested Hugh G. Rection and Bruno Mars get money by just going into an abandoned mine on their next hunt and getting a big lump of gold.
Banana said "Thanks, but I want to be involved and that means doing this using methods I can do too."
Jasper said she could go in the mine too and hold a lamp or something.
Rosalie said she could be the canary.
Harry Balsack screeched "NOBODY IS TAKING BILLY RAY CYRUS INTO AN ABANDONED MINESHAFT!" Moe Lester wants to get all up in her abandoned mineshaft AMIRITE?!
Alice shushed everyone and said she would help Blah sew curtains and shit for The Bone Zone. Hope they're wipe clean.
Esme said she thinks this all sounds very romantic and is happy to help however she can. She offered use of her work van for collecting materials and said Mike Oxhard and Badgers are free to use whatever they find in the family storage. They'd better not go near my fucking beanie babies.
Emmett said they can use the stove from his old cabin if it can be saved but thinks it's probably wrecked at this point. He will also make a sign that says The Bone Zone.
Babadook thanked Emmett and they did a fist bump. With bubbles.
Carl asked if Charlie should be informed, Ivor Hardon asked how he suggested explaining the need for him not to be constantly hearing the thoughts of those nearby. Carl agreed it would be too complicated to come up with any plausible explanation and that he would follow Luke Atmyass and Badonkadonk's wish to keep it just between Bedazzle and the family. He said he would contribute a crucifix and bible and started to talk about his design ideas.
Carl described the interior of a church in great detail.
Carl said he was worried for Rusty Pecker and Barette's virtue.
Beetlejuice held Willie Stroker's hand (he looked very ashamed as Carl was looking at him like he was doing something filthy). His bouffant looked all floppy and sad and shit.
Bibble got pissed and went on and on for a bit saying Justin Herbut had waited ninety years and all he wants is a bit of peace and quiet and that they can't have it at her house because he can hear all the neighbours and they can't have it here because she is squelchy, plus it's not fair to ask people to leave.
Rosalie asked if she had tried being less squelchy.
Carl asked Brontosaurus if she had considered a monastic life and slid a pamphlet for a local nunnery across the table to her.
Beef slid the pamphlet back and said "I'm going to be blunt here, as you keep ignoring me. Carl: you spend far too much about what is and is not happening in your son's girlfriend's underwear. If Mike Hawk and I were going to do anything like that (bone) we could easily do it at my house, in either of our cars, or in a supply closet at school if we wanted to!"
Everyone except Carl said "OoooOOOooohhhh".
Carl made the sign of the cross and then stole Baking Soda's glass of water by very, very slowly sliding it towards himself. He then blessed it and tried to surreptitiously flick holy water at her from across the table. But he did shut up. Go Baby Gap!
Peter Pantz looked totally shell shocked. And spent the rest of the meeting staring blankly forward and making a small hissing sound like a balloon letting out air for the next twenty minutes straight. The sound might have been coming from his mouth or his dick. No one knows. It's a 50/50 chance of either seeing as he whacks off so much only air comes out nowadays.
Jasper said he'd help with electronics for The Bone Zone if they like. (Neon The Bone Zone sign? Sex toy charging station?)
Rosalie said her contribution would be to keep Emmett busy. Boo yah!
Conclusions:
The Bone Zone is a go go
Bubbles
Bread is nice even if she has terrible taste in men
Carl needs to back the fuck up
Agenda Item 2: Gramps smells of pee
Discussion:
Alice dissed Lou Briccant's old man smelling hobo clothes and asked what the fuck was up with that and could he please wear the stuff she bought him because he looks like those awful dirty grunge boys from the nineties. I think he looks like a sad grandpa.
Lee Keyrear was unresponsive as previously noted, so Burp said Buck Nekkid went shopping with her on their first date and bought all those garbage clothes, she didn't explain why, but said Hugh Janus said he likes them because they're comfy and soft.
Emmett said at least they cover his permaboner.
Barack Obama blushed.
Carl tutted and flicked more holy backwash water at Belvita.
Esme tutted.
Carl squeaked.
Emmett blew bubbles.
Esme said Craven Moorehead should be allowed to choose his own clothes.
Esme invited Bisquick to spend the day with her and Buster Cherry at the weekend, rug shopping and then letting them check some renovation projects she is working on for materials they might be able to salvage.
Bologna accepted.
Alice invited Bandaid for a sleepover.
Rosalie rolled her eyes and said 'not more squelchy!'
Butter invited Alice for a sleepover at her house next time Dill Doe hunts.
Emmett asked if he could come and asked if he could braid Burt's Bees's toenails.
She said yes he can come for the evening but not stay as her dad would say no. And that she and Alice will show him how to paint his toenails.
The meeting drew to a close and Barbasol woke up Sleeping Beauty, ignoring his raging morning wood, with a kiss on the cheek, thanking everyone then heading home for dinner.
Conclusions:
Emmett will braid Best Buy's toenails
SLEEPOVER WOOOOO
It's the hobo clothes or a clearer view of the permabone. I vote gramps keeps his new look. At least it's a change, right? Bout time he mixed it up. Just let him get on with it, he's always gonna be weird and there ain't nothing we can do 'bout it.
Agenda Item 3: Carl's kill count
Discussion:
Emmett gave him a nod and Don Glover sprang to life. Well. I mean, the rest of him. His dick was already well and truly sprung from the looks of his grandpa flannel tent.
Emmett complained that his bedroom rug had been repeatedly and thoroughly fucked.
Carl looked at the ceiling and started whistling Amazing Grace.
Emmett blew bubbles which we all swatted at and chased for a few minutes.
Alice and Jasper said their rug had also had its innocence stolen too soon.
Esme gave Carl a pointed look and said that for a change this time we all knew it wasn't Dick Z. Rect.
Rosalie said even the floor mats in the BMW had dick holes in now.
Esme said even the front door mat has had its special flower taken.
Jasper asked Carl if he had anything he'd like to add.
He complained that Esme was being 'very stubborn about something and he feels quite frustrated'.
Dan Gleedix went in for THE KILL and suggested he pray on it. Respecc
Carl shot him a look that would have killed Lou Bittup if he hadn't already been dead.
The meeting was finally finished! Wooooo. It's bubble time bitches!
Conclusions:
Carl's kill count is OFF THE CHAIN
Esme's sex strike continues
Bubbles
Revenge is sweet. Well done bro.
A/N: Reviewers get to give terrified/horny Edward a kiss on the cheek.
Thanks a million to my wonderful betas itsthatkindofanight and wh1teow1, please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!