After school Bella and I hung out in the woods for a while on our land, driving back just before dark. In her driveway, she surprised me by asking "Will you come in?"

"What about your father? Should I hide upstairs?"

"Well, I think you should meet him properly, don't you?"

"Oh! Um... yes...oh dear. Oh..."

"It's ok if you don't want to." She said quietly.

"No, I do. I'm just rather scared."

"He doesn't bite." She giggled at her little joke. I bite.

"Oh...er...ok then." I squeaked.

Bella got out of the truck but I did not move aside from my foot pounding the break pedal as if in some kind of metaphorical attempt to halt my rising tsunami of terror.

"Edward, don't you want to make out before he gets back?" Bella said seductively, from inside the house now. That did the trick, and soon I was being showered with deliciously soft, warm kisses on the couch.

"How scared are you on a scale of one to ten?"

I thought a moment and then whispered "Sixteen." Bella cooed and stroked my hair as I nuzzled into her.

"How can I make this easier? What food is easiest to hide?"

"I am quite sure he shall throw me out long before dinner is ready, Bella."

"Don't be silly. Tell me what to cook so you don't have to choke it down ok?"

"Well... not the triangles. Or the sticky one. If that's ok?"

Bella looked puzzled. "Pizza?"

I hissed. I did NOT like the triangles. I didn't like any of it, but the triangles were very hard to conceal.

"What colour is the sticky one?"

"Brown, cream, green, yellow, red or orange. I've never seen it in blue."

"Edward, that might be more than one food you're talking about there. But no sticky stuff. I promise."

"What about the grey one? That's not too hard to swallow. It's wet. It used to be ever so popular."

"G...grey? When was it popular?"

"It's in a lot of stories." I smiled. This would be perfect.

"Which stories?"

"Oliver Twist is the most famous one."

"Gruel? I'm not eating fucking gruel! I'm sure it tastes terrible!" Why was she being so fussy all of a sudden? Had she even tried it? It was very easy to eat and did not taste anywhere near as bad as those devilish triangles.

"How about pasta? That's lots of small pieces, so it might be easier to hide?"

"The wriggly one?" I asked suspiciously

"Not spaghetti, I have some pasta bows in the cupboard. Let me show you."

I followed her hesitantly, watching as she produced a box of rattling things. This seemed promising. Dry, hard foods could be crumbled and the dust secreted in a pocket.

"Oh! Yes. This one looks like it shall do very well. Clever Bella!" I felt very relieved and then froze as I heard the chief's thoughts enter my range, I shrieked, "He's coming!"

Bella had just managed to get me to stop hurtling in frantic laps around the downstairs of the house when the front door opened. She gave me a quick kiss on the lips and squeezed my hand.

"Bella?"

"In here Dad. Edward's here."

I heard Charlie's thoughts fill with images of me seducing his daughter and I squeaked in terror.

Bella handed me a saucepan and said "Fill this with water." I did as she said, filling it to the brim and placing it in the center of the table as a sauce for us to dip the rattly bows into. I was cooking!

The chief entered the kitchen and looked curiously at the pan on the table. I extended my hand and hoped he wouldn't notice how cold it was. "It's nice to meet you sir chief!" I smiled. Idiot!

Bella giggled and said "I think Edward's a bit nervous dad. He wants to make a good impression."

The chief chuckled a little and said "It's nice to meet you son, Bella has a lot of kind words to say about you." He nodded at the saucepan on the table "What's that for?"

"It's a sauce. For food." I think I was doing quite well, all things considered. I wasn't hissing. I wasn't even scuttling.

"Edward, that goes on the stovetop. And it's too full. It should be about two thirds full so it doesn't boil over."

I fixed the situation with the saucepan and started to read the instructions on the box of bows. We had to make them wet with the hot water sauce.

Bella turned on the burner and I gave her a look. She stepped aside, handing me the rattly box as I stood guard over the flames, staring intently into the saucepan.

Bella chatted amiably with her father about school and skilfully avoided discussing the fact that we had spent all afternoon, and the earlier part of the evening, neck deep in garbage, hunting parts for our secret cabin love nest.

"I thought we could have that trout you caught tomorrow, as there's only enough for two defrosted. Is pasta and pesto ok tonight dad?"

"With cheese?"

"I'll do ours with cheese. Edward doesn't like it much, do you?"

"No?" I thought it best to defer to her judgment on this. I did not like any food, so it was true, I supposed.

"I'm going up to get changed. How long till dinner Bells?"

"Not long. Fifteen minutes?" She smiled as her father leaned in for a brief hug before making his way upstairs.

The water was boiling now so I opened the box and put in three of the bows, then realising my error, I added a fourth for the chief. He was hungry, after all.

"Put the others in please, Edward. The whole box." I reluctantly complied and watched with growing despair as the bows wilted and swelled, rendering them impossible to crumble. My pockets would be noticeably soggy, the water sauce would drip down my legs and might cause alarm.

"Can you stir the pasta please?" Bella looked over and whispered urgently "Edward! Not with your finger!"

"Oh sorry, what with?" I knew the answer was a spoon but in my defence I had not slept in over a century.

Bella looked a bit concerned and handed me a spoon, then wrapped her arms around me from behind and snuggled against my back. This was much better. Everything was fine now.

"Is it all too much? Meeting dad and everything?" She whispered. I could hear her gnawing on her lip.

I hung my head and sighed. "I called him sir chief."

"You know, Edward, I think he likes that you're a bit nervous."

"Is he sadistic? You never said! Oh Bella! Please let me rescue you from his evil clutches!"

"No! Dad is really kind. The second kindest person I know, after you. He's protective of me, he probably likes that you respect his status as my father."

"He thinks I'm doing all sorts of filthy underhanded things to seduce you." I said glumly.

Bella chuckled "I'm more likely to seduce you than the other way around." Her voice dropped. "If you want me to I mean."

"Oh! Oh dear! Oh!" I was squeaking again but managed to nod at her. In hindsight this was a terrible idea.

"I don't think I'm very seductive, but I'll give it a go some time when dad's away." She gave me a little squeeze and I squeaked like a dog toy as she did.

The pasta was bloated and throughly damp by this point. Bella saw me eyeing it disdainfully. She handed me two little clear plastic bags and told me to line my pockets. She is so clever! And thoughtful! And lovely too. Very lovely.

She took a jar of chunky green slime and set it on the counter.

"Edward, I need to drain the pasta please."

"No."

"What?"

"It's much too dangerous. Let's have triangles instead."

She sighed and set a strainer in the sink, then rolling her eyes said, "Edward, will you please strain the dangerous pasta please?"

"Of course. Please go in the other room for safety."

"How about I set the table?"

I quickly calculated the distance and possible burn risk and nodded. Using my body as an inhuman shield I transferred the pale, stodgy mess into the strainer and wondered how much I would have to actually put in my mouth.

Bella set two glasses of water on the table and took a can of beer and a yellow brick out of the refrigerator. She grabbed a spoon and what looked like a torture device from the drawer. I watched in horror.

"Can you grate the cheese for me and dad please? I won't put any on your pasta. Don't worry."

"Wait! Not all of it. Just about... 20 percent of it I guess?"

I nodded and cut a wedge from the brick of cheese, grating it onto a plate. Bella had stirred the chunky green slime into the pasta and it now looked like it was covered with fine grass clippings. She put it out on plates, putting as little as was reasonable on mine and spreading it out, then piling cheese on top of the pasta on her and Charlie's plates.

"You're trying really hard and I'm very grateful. Try to make conversation and talk about sports or fishing if you can. He likes that. I'm going to give you a treat later to say thank you. Now go get dad and tell him dinner's ready please honey." Honey? This was new! And a treat! Was she going to ask for my hand in marriage? I did hope so. This seemed like an excellent idea. Then I remembered that I would have to turn her down and realised that as dearly as I wished for matrimonial bliss with Bella, it could never be. I was on an emotional rollercoaster.

During dinner Bella sat me next to Charlie so it was easier for me to secrete the pasta into my pockets. I had trouble touching it because it was slimy, but powered through, focusing on Bella's face and wondering what my treat might be.

I chatted sociably with chief Swan about fishing and baseball. I clearly sounded a little too interested and shot myself in the foot, as he invited me to go fishing with him and I felt obligated to accept. This was going to be difficult. I would much rather shoot myself in the foot. That doesn't hurt at all. Emmett does it for fun if he ever manages to get his hands on a gun (there have been several family meetings regarding this and an eventual strict moratorium, instituted after an incident involving Jasper, Emmett, and an enthusiastic reenactment of the O.K. Corral which, despite repeated assurances that they would 'be careful', resulted in ricochets destroying seventeen windows, Esme's chandelier and F-M of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica).

After a fraught twenty minutes dinner was finally over and I cleared the table with Bella while the chief went to watch baseball in the living room.

"You did so good baby!" Bella beamed, "I'm proud of you. Thank you." She gave me a warm hug and I relaxed into her embrace.

"Treat?" I whispered hopefully.

"Definitely. When we're alone, later."

"Yesssss." I did a little fist pump and she giggled.

"Let's do the dishes and watch the game" lowering her voice to a whisper she added "Then I'll drive you home to change and whatever and I'll meet you upstairs at around ten ok?" I nodded, grinning.

As we worked on the dishes, I listened to Charlie's thoughts. He seemed to think I was polite, though awkward. He was not wrong in his assessment. The dinner had made him realise I had little social skill and was nowhere near smooth enough to seduce his daughter as he had previously feared. The word 'squirrelly' was the most prominent descriptor in his thoughts. He wondered what on Earth Bella saw in me. I also wonder this constantly, so in that respect we were agreed. I was hugely relieved that he didn't feel like forbidding our relationship or trying to attack me with his shotgun.

We moved to the couch and I sat a respectful distance away from Bella. She held hands with me though, as we watched the baseball game, which was very soothing. Thankfully the need for conversation had diminished a great deal and only the occasional comment was necessary.

At nine I made my excuses and Charlie saw me to the door. I bade the chief goodnight and shook his hand again. Bella drove me home, as the Volvo was there and it would have looked too strange for me to return on foot. The whole way I pestered her about what my treat might be. I suggested everything from her reading to me to her permitting me to buy her a new truck. She just blushed and refused to tell me though.

Once home I hurried through my routine, only taking any real time over my shower and scrubbing myself all over twelve times to rid myself of echoes of the dumpsters upon my skin. I wish water would fall faster.

I still beat Bella home and am now waiting impatiently in her room for her. I have burrowed about in her sheets, enjoying her scent and mingling it with my own. I do so love a good burrow! I have only paused my front end in order to update this journal, but rest assured, my legs are working double duty burrowing as I write!

I wonder what my treat will be…

Possible treats:

Bella shall propose marriage and I shall accept, we shall wed tomorrow and she shall carry me over the threshold just the way I have always pictured in my sleepless dreams.

Scritches. Some kind of scritch party. Oh, one can only hope!

Bella shall propose marriage whilst giving me scritches. Oh Icarus! Do not dare to dream so big!

Bella will destroy that damnable green sweater of hers that I so despise. She does not know I revile it so, but perhaps she will intuit somehow that this would be a great act of gratitude on her part.

Bella shall propose whilst destroying the aforementioned olive monstrosity.

Any of these options would prove most satisfactory. I am delighted in advance! What a wonderful treat I am about to receive, I wonder which of these five, the only possible options, Bella shall choose!

I do hope she hurries. These sheets will not hold up to much more burrowing.

Perhaps I should nip out and turn off the water supply at the mains to hurry along her shower…

A/N: Commenters get to sample Edward's pasta dipping sauce. Thank you to the lovely readers who already commented on yesterday's chapter! You're the best!

For N, I love you and I'm thinking of you today. You are a wonderful, beautiful friend and I am so grateful everyday that fanfic brought us together. XOXOXO