Disaster struck when Bella and I were rummaging in the basement looking for things we might use for the cabin. Bella had found some wood stain which looked like it might be of use, but she tripped over literally thin air. I caught her, of course, but the wood stain fell on the floor. Thankfully it landed right side up, but she had been replacing the lid on at the time of her inexplicable stumble (in hindsight, perhaps not inexplicable?!). A large splash travelled across the outside of the washing machine and dripped down the white exterior of the top loader.
"Oh NO!"
"Are you ok? Where does it hurt?"
"No I'm fine Edward. But we have to get this off the washing machine immediately, otherwise Charlie is going to want to know why I was mucking around with wood stain, isn't he?"
"Oh no. Oh dear. Oh no!"
"Help me clean it up!" Bella threw me a filthy rag and I stifled a scream and went to work, smearing stain all over the washing machine.
"Oh no! Oh god!" I was starting to hyperventilate, Bella pulled out the paper bag she now kept in her pocket at all times (Alice's suggestion) and waited for me to stop shaking, as I stared at our stained fingers. After half an hour I calmed down a little and looked at the filthy brown smears across the washing machine, now drying in gooey clumps.
Bella had wiped and washed it repeatedly, scrubbing her hands until they were red in the basement sink, but they were still noticeably stained.
I took a break from the paper bag for a moment to ask,"How do we clean it? Without ruining it? And you. How can we clean you without hurting you? Do you know?" I was panicking and hopping a bit by that point. The goo was gone but the colour was not budging.
She looked something up on her phone and went to wash her hands in oil. She smelled like a salad, but the stains disappeared at least.
"Now for the washer. I have some magic sponges here somewhere."
"Witchcraft!" I hissed. I did not like the sound of this at all.
After I stopped scuttling, Bella said "Not witchcraft, dingus, magic like a Magic Marker."
This was worse that I had feared. The blackest, foulest smelling kind of occultism. Emmett had used a Magic Marker to draw a large phallus on my face once, after he had pinned me down and sat on me in one of my long string of wrestling defeats. It took over a week to scrub off and then for a month after there remained the ghost of a penis haunting my visage. Esme had to tell the school I had scarlet fever and keep me inside until it finally wore off. The whole debacle had caused much weeping, shrieking and multiple aborted attempts-to flee to Volterra. And laughter of course, on the part of my siblings.
"No! Bella please! Don't get mixed up in this! Seek council with Carlisle, he has seen it. He knows it's darkness. No good can come of it!"
"Edward...Edward! Get up off the floor and tell me what you're blathering about! Now!" 'Bossy Bella was here. That got my attention! Always a delight!
"Witches Bella! Never promise them ANYTHING. Don't even talk to them. Even looking at them may place your soul in imminent peril."
Bella took my face in her hands and scratched behind my ears to calm me down. "Edward, first of all, there's no such thing as witches. Second of all, Magic Sponge is just a brand name." She went to the kitchen and returned with a packet of white sponges and showed it to me.
"See!" I jabbed a finger at the cartoon witch on the packaging "Witchcraft!" I redoubled my hissing, even though it is a widely known fact that it is not efficacious against witches.
"Baby, stop hissing. There's no such thing as witches." She pulled me down to sit on the couch with her.
"Well...I think Carlisle knows what he is talking about!" I scoffed, "He encountered a great many of the fiends in the seventeenth century." Silly Bella!
"Has he seen any recently? In the time you've been with him?"
"Well...no. But they are sneaks."
"I have seen them myself though!"
"On Halloween?"
"No!" Was she mocking me? I was indignant, "It was Easter time!" I needed to convince her. Her soul was in danger if she used that sponge. I was convinced of it.
"I saw a documentary Bella! They are REAL."
"Was it in the woods with people camping? All camcorder footage?"
"Yessssssssss. I haven't slept since!" That documentary was without doubt the most petrifying thing I had ever witnessed. I had written to the state senator in Alaska asking for road signs to be erected in areas like hovels and swamps where witches were known to commune. I even designed the sign (see figure 1).
I settled into a protective crouch over her on the couch, looking about for danger and flicking the cellophane bag of sponges as far as I could away from my beloved. It knocked an onion off the kitchen counter and Bella sighed as it rolled dismally across the floor.
"Edward, that was a mockumentary sweetie. It's called The Blair Witch Project. It's not real."
"That's what the witches want you to think! Anyway, what is a mockumentary? Is it a spell or ... a curse?"
No amount of heavenly ear scritches was going to dispel the possibility of diabolical sorcery lurking within those sponges. Bella was trying though, and that was what mattered.
Bella pulled out her phone and searched for a while as I took the opportunity to try and scent mark her thoroughly, now more important than ever that her bosoms be marked clearly as mine. She told me to stop wriggling and settle down long before I was done though. Bella showed me a short interview with the actors from that dastardly chicanery. Their hair had grown and they looked a few months older. They had survived the witches clutches. It was all an elaborate ruse! I was flabbergasted. I am neither gullible nor prone to unsubstantiated panicking fits, so this revelation has been a little hard to swallow.
"I still urge you to reconsider cleaning the spill with that sponge Bella. Blair Witch or no, that package is clearly marked as magical. That alone should alarm you. What if you lose your soul trying to clean up the mess? Surely it is not worth the risk!"
"Edward. I've tried to be patient but I think you're being quite silly. You've rubbed your face all over me, and I scratched behind your ears. Both of those things usually calm you down but you've decided that I might lose my soul if I use a sponge. I'm not going to put up with any more of this. I'm just going to clean up and show you so you can see for yourself."
"Nooooo!"
"Edward! You will not shriek at me. Stop it! I will send you home. I mean it!"
A furious clash of desire and fear raged within me. She was being stricter than ever before! But she was threatening to exile me! My god, the waves of emotion I experienced in that moment were so potent they rendered me speechless.
I watched bereft and silent, scuttling tentatively at a distance behind her, as she made her way downstairs grasping the infernal package. She took one out and wet it, then worked at the stain. It immediately came off. But at what cost?!
"See. Nothing to worry about. You big dope." She said once the stain was gone. She threw the used, shrivelled sponge away and to my horror put the others back in the cupboard.
"I'm sorry Bella's, but I need to check." I was quite timid. She had really meant to send me away, I was sure of it.
"Check my soul?! How."
"I think I will know if you kiss me."
"Well that doesn't sound too bad, if it'll stop this foolishness once and for all and prove that witches don't exist. Come on then dumbass!" She led me upstairs and I followed closely.
She sat on the bed and I sat down nervously next to her, gazing fearfully at her, searching her for signs of possession. She sighed and kissed me.
Bella is resistant to witchcraft!
Figure 1: A roadsign with a silhouette image of a witch flying on a broomstick, surrounded by a red circle with a diagonal red stripe. Overlaid is the bold yellow text 'GO AWAY'. [A/N: you can see this image and many more from this story if you read on archiveofourown, my username is LogladyJ there too)
Commenters get to have Edward protect them from notorious sneaks.
A/N: Thank you again to all the lovely readers and commenters! You make my day!
For N, who is always beautiful and always will be because her soul is so very lovely and it shines through when she smiles. XOXOXO