Chapter 1: Codename Dog
Africa
Sitting atop a building and bored out of his mind, Sam yawned and rested his chin on his hand, propped atop his knee. Spying the streets of the city below, he heard the blasts of explosions, the screams of civilians running away, and the 'Moos!' of the gekkos chasing them. All in all, a thorough sweep of terror across the streets. So, that begged the question…
Why the hell was he here?
The Desperado operatives roaming the roads seemed to be on top of things, so he really didn't understand why both he and Sundowny had to be deployed on the mission. Overkill if anything.
"SCREEEEEE!"
Sam turned dull eyes to the screeching UG, Metal Gear Ray, which was busy getting slashed up by a blond enemy cyborg. Firing swathes of missiles at the cyborg, it roared in affront as blondie jumped from one missile to the next, eventually getting close enough to begin cutting away at Ray's armor with his HF blade.
Impressive to some maybe, but to Sam?
"Haaaah," he yawned, rubbing tears of boredom off his eyes. He could butcher that brain-dead death-machine with a single slash of his katana. So seeing someone take multiple cracks at it with his blade was akin to seeing an idiot wave his tiny toothpick around and being proud of it.
Sam rolled his eyes, muttering,
"Amateur."
He sighed and stared at the clouds. Maybe this was the enemy's strategy, boring him to death. Because by god, if nothing interesting happened in five minutes he was gonna unsheathe his blade and commit sudoku-
Bzzt- Blast!
A fiery column of shrapnel exploded up from the ground, scattering dust, debris and cyborg remains. Sam frowned, taking out his binoculars and peering through them, at the cluster of buildings from where the explosion took place. Sam hummed, seeing that blondie was finally done with his break-up with Ray. Leaving poor Ray broken in bits and pieces, leaving him a destroyed death-machine which only a kind-hearted, feisty, and starry-eyed engineer could put back together. In an epic tale of destiny, healing, and becoming more than just your programming, as the engineer and the metal gear break past the boundaries of man and man-made, and show the world the magical essence of love, taking it head-on to rid it of all hate and lead to everlasting world-peace… with some extra robo-human smut thrown in for good mix for all the freaks with a hard-on for that… Huh.
Sam blinked in wonder at his own ramblings, rubbing his chin with a bemused frown. Looks like he was more bored than he thought. Better get out of here before he starts an investigation into the Moo-sical qualities of a gekko's cry.
And right as Sam's eyes slid off his scope, they fell upon an equally bizarre sight. It was a bookstore, in a war-torn street with patrolling cyborgs, bleating gekkos and stray missiles flying everywhere. But inside the building was a lone man, huddled in a corner with a stack of books beside him, his only company being the practically nude women who starred on the covers of the man's fine selection of reading material. This man of fine culture and questionable priorities enjoyed Sam's attention as he stared at him through his scope, wondering whether the man had lost his marbles or if his own mind had devolved into hallucinating out of boredom.
Wearing a plated metal headband, a dark-blue spandex with a thick green vest, and with his face covered by a black mask which covered his mouth and nose and spared the world from seeing his lecherous grin, the man (or maniac (or hallucination (or whatever Sam's mind was tripping on))) giggled perversely as he flipped a page of his naughty reading.
Sam grabbed his face and mourned the loss of his sanity, his heart clenching as his mind decided to laugh in the face of his purposeless existence. This is what happens when a man doesn't believe in anything, when he has no reason to be holding his blade, other than because that is all he had ever known. 'Why am I here?' doesn't even begin to account for all the unease and pointlessness that occupies his every waking moment…
Sam grit his teeth and clenched his fist.
No.
World Marshal had a plan, and he was sticking to it.
Until he found his own purpose, he would drink from the ambition of someone with absolute confidence in their objective. And if it had to be World Marshal, so be it. When Armstrong took his arm - when he proved that his blade was dull before his ambition - he'd gained his sword-hand in turn.
And so to protect his own sanity, Sam brought out a rocket-launcher, hefted it over his shoulder, fingered the trigger and-
Boom!
Fired it at that bookstore-!
Blast!
Debris rained from the air as the store went up in flames, the explosion blasting all the walls and leaving the building a smoking ruin. And a little distance away, outside the store, was a man with slightly torn clothing, thrown out of the store and rolling to a halt against a wall.
Shakily sitting up to his knees, the lewd lover of a man stared at the burning wreck with disbelieving eyes, crawling to a burning pile of centerfolds in front of him and looking at them like the loss of a precious gift to the world. Patting the fire off the pages, he took the burnt and blackened books into his chest, hugging them and looking up to the heavens with a broken face, as if screaming 'why? How could you be so cruel as to take them from me?' And if you looked closely, you'd see a lone tear slipping down his eyes.
Meanwhile, Sam observed his handiwork through the scope, and sat down heavily, his eyes concerned. Because shit. His hallucinations could survive rockets. That meant they'd even survive cuts from his blade… And soon, he'd probably start hearing voices. Going, 'Saaaam! Why'd you smile at me just before you cut me down, Saaam! Now I'm dead and don't even know if I'm straight or bent!' Sam gripped his fist with a tormented face. Go away, voices! He can't help his god-given devilish looks! Ah, the torture of being so good-looking that some of your enemies want you to bathe in their blood.
…Sam rubbed his forehead with a groan. He was really starting to lose it to boredom and the pointlessness of it all.
Maybe he should take up those free therapy sessions offered by Desperado-
Fling!
Sam's eyes widened as he heard the whirring of a blade in the air and jumped back-!
Thunk!
Just in time to avoid a small, black, knife-like blade embedding itself into the wall behind him, right beside his neck.
Sam frowned, taking a closer look at the blade. Is that a… kunai?
Flap!
His gaze turned to the note that fell to the ground, falling from the string which'd tied it to the blade's rim.
With a bemused frown, he crouched, picked it up, and began reading it.
It read-
'I don't know who you are.
'I don't know what you want.
'But what I have is a particular set of skills.
'Skills I have acquired over a very long career.
'If you replace my stash, I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.
'But if you don't…
'I will look for you. I will find you.
'And I will kill you.
'-Inu'
The excitement brought about by the threat on his life immediately sparked a smile on Sam's face. And the adrenaline pumping in him from his throat just missing being pierced if he'd been a bit more inattentive… Hah! This is entertainment!
Cupping on hand around his mouth, and the other on the binoculars as he saw a scowling 'Inu' standing up and staring right back at him, Sam let out a big grin and shouted back,
"Good luck!"
Inu's face immediately soured, his eyes narrowing as he clasped his hands together and made a hand-sign and then-
Poof!
Disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"A ninja, huh?" Sam's grin reached ear-to-ear as he bounced the black kunai in his hand, staring at the smoke which cleared and revealed no Inu in sight. He smirked, his hand grazing his katana, "show me a good time, doggy."
Sam then jumped from rooftop to rooftop, his exoskeleton letting him take mammoth leaps which dented the ground. It was time for phase two of the mission and also his rendezvous with Sundowny.
Hopefully doggy would catch up to them. Because a showdown on a moving train?
Now that'd be a good place for him to die!
Sam smirked.
He was just too kind to his enemies, honestly.
With Raiden
"This is what happens when you bring a tool to a sword fight."
Raiden stared dully at the swordsman standing over him with his red sword drawn, lecturing him about how he was he was weak and not edgy enough because he didn't want be a maniac who liked killing people, while he bled copiously from his slashed eye and cut arm. Did he mention that he was dangling off the moving train by his one remaining hand while being forced to look up at another man's crotch while he grinned suavely at him with a killer smile.
"It's over," said the asshole standing over him. Raiden growled as he slowly raised his sword, and slowly took aim at him. What? Was he saying that he wasn't a threat anymore so he'd take his own sweet time to finish him off? The utter disrespect made his artificial blood boil. Just wait till he got his sword back. Then he'd deepthroat it down that asshole's pie-hole all day long, niiice and slooow. Raiden allowed himself a grin, 'cause hey, if this was the end, that ain't a bad fantasy to die to.
"Hrrk!"
Raiden blinked and stared past the asshole's crotch (still jutting in his face…) and craned his neck up - biting back a scream as it stretched his torn and shredded muscle fibers - and saw the asshole grunting with effort, his hand still in the air with his sword catching the wind. "H-Hrrgh!" The asshole's whole frame shook as he growled with effort, his brow narrowed and his teeth clenched as his muscles and sword vibrated with effort.
"…so, are you going to kill me or…?" Raiden felt the need to ask, raising a brow. "Don't tell me you got a cramp? The newer fiber models don't have that problem, you should look into that."
Asshole glared down at him, "I'm your bloody enemy, blondie. Don't give me advice."
Raiden raised an affronted brow, "you, shut the fuck up. You got time to call me amateur, tell me to bathe in blood to become a psycho-"
Asshole scoffed, "so basically, blondie. You're a sore loser-"
"And you're an asshole-"
"And you have the best comebacks! I'm impressed!" Asshole's mocking grin made it apparent how impressed he was. "If I could clap, I would!"
Raiden frowned, "what do you mean if you could… are those wires?" He muttered to himself, seeing the strands of black wire flicker in the light of the tunnel's lighting. Strands tied to the Asshole's hands, arms, shoulders and torso, and apparently being firm enough to stop the descent of his sword. "You gotta be kidding me," Raiden growled, "you can cut off my arm but some thin as hair wires stop you?" His killer can't be this weak can he? …whatever, he wasn't going to complain. With a vindictive smile, he set his sights on his discarded sword and slowly began climbing up-
Smack!
"Y-You son-of-a-bitch!" Raiden cursed as the asshole soundly kicked him in the face and almost made him fall off. His hand hastily gripped onto a handle over the side of the train and held him up.
Asshole's head swerved left and right, as if searching for something, "shh, quiet now, blondie. Just hang tight and enjoy the show." Asshole had a cautious smirk on his face, "consider it an exhibition of what you're missing out."
Show? What show? Raiden pulled himself a little up as he mulled over that. All he could see was the jacked-up asshole tied in wire and grunting with effort as he squirmed his body… Raiden's mouth fell in horror as he realized what he was witnessing. N-No… D-Don't tell him he was-!
His codec popped up, his information expert, Kevin, staring back at him with alarm,
"Raiden! What happened! Your brain waves just spiked-!"
"Bondage!"
Kevin blinked. "What?"
"Bondage, Kevin!" Raiden shouted back, his eyes wide and his breath quick as he panicked, "Buff Samurai Bondage-play! It's happening before my very eyes!" Raiden hissed in a low voice packed with terror, "you gotta get me outta here, Kev!"
Kevin pursed his lips, folding his hands, "yo, backup's on its way. Just hang in there, man-"
"You don't get it, Kev!" Raiden frantically shook his head, "it's gonna be all cuts and slashes and licking! God the licking! And the whole thing is so action-packed and hair-raising! And so many goddamn puns about slashes, cuts, thrusts and calling your dick your pride and honor and katana-"
Asshole threw an annoyed glare at Raiden, "hey, I have no idea what you're talking about. Cut me a break, blondie-"
"Oh shit he broke out the puns! I don't know if I'll come out in one piece, Kev!" Raiden gulped and began praying for his sanity to remain intact after this torture. He turned a serious face to his support, "Kev, if I don't make it… Tell my family I love them-"
"Maa, you seem to know quite a bit of detail about this thing you're afraid of." Raiden blinked as an unknown third voice began echoing in the tunnel, sounding amused as it chuckled lightly. "It's quite suspicious if you ask me."
Asshole smirked, "so, you show yourself, doggy?"
Raiden growled back, "hey, I just watched the movies for the sword-techniques! Not my fault they jammed in all that other crap!" And watching them really got him out of some sticky situations. Like the time a bunch of gekko tied him up with their wires and he had to twist and turn and move his body to break free. …man, he feels so dirty whenever he uses those bondage-break moves.
Chirp!
Raiden blinked as the tunnel began echoing with… the chirp of birds? He looked ahead and saw a dim blue dot further up the train, sparkling like electricity-
Zoom!
In a burst of wind, a sharp blade of lightning shot out from the dot, right towards the Asshole and then-
Snap!
Clang!
Red sword met a crackling hand of electricity, as the Asshole grinned and pushed back against a masked-man with grey hair sticking straight up, who looked back impassively at the Asshole as the HF blade and the lightning hand crackled and scraped against each other.
Asshole smirked, no-longer bound by wire as they snapped when he'd moved his blade, "nice of you to cut in, doggy."
Raiden shivered at the pun.
Doggy eye-smiled, "I couldn't ignore your invitation, samurai." His eyes narrowed, "you left quite the piercing impression-"
Raiden roared, "will you shut the puns and just fight!?" He glared at Doggy, "and you! If you're my backup, help me up so we can dismember him!"
Asshole and Doggy turned to him with bemused frowns. Before Asshole sighed and shook his head sadly, "prudes. They never appreciate how cleave-r I am-" Raiden's one remaining eye twitched so hard he worried it might pop out of its socket for a moment.
While Doggy looked back at him and went, "sorry for the delay, I was lost on the road of life." He smiled, "kept you waiting, huh?"
Raiden felt like grabbing his sword and killing himself to save himself from the tackiness.
Slash!
And then in a blink of an eye, Asshole's red sword broke through the struggle and slashed off Doggy's hand, and then it sailed forward and cut him from shoulder to waist. Doggy's eyes were frozen in shock as his body separated cleanly in two and began sliding apart.
Raiden cursed, "no!" He growled at the assailant, "you'll pay for this, you bastard!"
Asshole sighed, pulling back his blade with a disappointed frown, "guess you're only human after all, doggy-"
Poof!
Doggy's cut halves popped into smoke and revealed a cut log in their place instead.
Asshole blinked, "the devil-? Argh!"
Clang!
Lightning coated blades struck him from behind, hitting and bouncing off his body.
Raiden stared at the sight with pursed lips, as sparking blades seemingly materialized out of thin air and began their electrified assault upon the samurai, who'd first been surprised and shocked by a few blades before his sword began swinging and cutting the blades out of the air.
"…you're using normal knives and not HF blades?" Raiden muttered, "what are you, old fashioned?"
And in-midst of the storm of blades, a deadly voice whispered,
"Konoha Forbidden Technique-"
Poof!
Asshole's eyes widened as he heard a pop of smoke, and he whipped his head back to see the ninja crouched behind him, his eyes shining with murderous intent, and his hands clasped together in a hand-sign with his index and middle fingers pointing out, as if they were the key to this 'Forbidden Technique.' Not wanting to take a chance with this disappearing ninja, Asshole ignored the frontal assault of the blades and roared as he grabbed his sword and slashed it behind him-
"One Thousand Years of Death!"
Pierce!
But he was too late.
As the sunlight shone upon them as they exited the tunnel and were laid bare to the world, the samurai spoke with clenched teeth, with the ninja's fingers firmly poking into his ass, "y-you catch me off-guard and this is what you do-?"
Doggy eye-smiled and continued, "Lightning transformation: Ass-cutter!"
Spark!
Staring with horror as the ninja's hands began sparking with current which rapidly travelled up his arms, Asshole's dreading last words were, "oh fuck me-"
Blast!
"A-Aaaaagrh!"
Asshole let out a piercing scream as he was lightning-launched into the air while holding onto his most grievously injured body-part. Namely, his ass.
Raiden stared. He felt a chuckle bubbling up. He started laughing as Asshole fell face-first with his butt pointed to the heavens. And when Asshole whipped his dignity-shredded, honor-lost, mortified face at him, he fucking lost it.
"P-Pffft! Bwahahaha!" Raiden looked away from the glorious sight, a face-wide grin on his face as he shook, "h-holy shit- hahaha! I-I'm gonna die of blood loss-!" He said as more blood gushed out of him assisted by him shaking uncontrollably with laughs, "hah! Ass-poking the Asshole! W-Who'd have thought it'd be this effective- Hahaha!"
Asshole hissed, stumbling back on to his feet, and hopping on his legs as he held his smarting behind, "you two have just signed your death warrants," he pointed his blade at Raiden with a glare, "we'll see how far your tool takes you-"
Raiden grinned back, "hey, full disclaimer, I don't use my sword for ass-pokes so don't get too excited, eh?"
"I will murder you-! Argh!" Asshole's threatening advance on him was cut short as a rain of bullets fired upon him from the cliff-side, as Maverick's backup arrived on armed jeeps and let loose a turret on him. "Tch! Lucky devil." Asshole spat as he slashed the bullets away and jumped back. Overhead, a tiltrotor aircraft's choppers whirred in the air, as it lowered a cable to him, to which he jumped and held onto its hook. Pointing his sword at Doggy, Asshole declared with narrowed eyes as the aircraft lifted him off the train and extracted him, "come to the next dance, Doggy. I'll be waiting."
Doggy chuckled and gave him a knowing look, "ho? Can't wait for your next glimpse of paradise, hm?" Raiden barked a laugh and yelped as he almost lost his grip and fell off the train, while Asshole's eye twitched with irritation, but then he smirked, slowly extending his hand and revealing his hidden weapon. And Doggy's eyes immediately widened as he paled and began searching the pockets of his jacket, "y-you, when did you-?"
"Don't worry Doggy, I'll keep this little rag safe with me until we meet again," Asshole's vindictive smirk widened as he brandished the book in his hand, whose title he spied to be 'Make-out Paradise.'
Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang!
Asshole happily held the book in front of him as if it'd block the torrent of bullets being fired at him by the enemy.
"Nooo!" Ah, Doggy's scream of anguish was such music to his ears. "My precious!" It was a sad sight indeed, seeing a man break down in hysterics over smut. "It's not smut, it's literature, you tasteless monster!" Oh, did he say that out loud?
Over the gust of wind he heard Raiden shout into his codec, "Boris, hold your fire! We have a… uh, hostage situation here!"
Doggy hissed at him with killing-intent, "samurai, if you tear a single page on it, I will-" Asshole flung the book up to the tiltrotor's blades and-
Slash-slash-slash-slash-slash!
Shredded paper rained from the sky, drifting away in the wind.
Doggy fell on his knees, horrified as he saw the macabre killing of a book. "Y-You…," he whispered, as hate slowly built up inside him, "you will die! " He growled hatefully.
Asshole smirked. "That's right, jokes have no place on a battlefield. Come at me with the intent to kill." And with that final shout, he climbed into the cabin of the tiltrotor and shut the door close. With the aircraft soon disappearing behind the hills and out of view.
As the wind blew, a stray scrap of torn paper flew before Doggy's collapsed self. Blinking through hollow eyes, his shaking hand caught it and clasped it within his fist. He whispered, holding it gently to his heart, "I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" he said like a broken record.
Raiden crawled over to the ninja, gritting his teeth with effort as blood leaked profusely behind him through his torn sockets. He got on his knees beside Doggy and put a heavy arm on his shoulder, gripping it in a show of support. "Hey… I'm sorry for your loss," said Raiden, ignoring how stupid it felt to be mourning a book but trying to pay respect to his backup's feelings. After thinking for a moment he continued, "would… would you like us to hold a funeral in its honor? What was its name?"
"M-Make-out paradise, part three of the make-out series." Doggy took a deep breath to steady himself and smiled at Raiden, "and thank you for the offer. I… I think it would appreciate that."
The two men held a moment of silence in respect for the fallen.
And as Maverick's chopper whirred in the distance and came extract them, Raiden spoke to Boris with wide eyes,
"Wait, you mean he's not your operative?"
Boris replied with a raised brow through the codec, "you think I'm made of money, da? I can only afford one flashy show-boating ninja. Do you know how much it cost to maintain you? I could sell you and buy three fighter jets! That is our insurance policy if we go under."
Raiden rolled his eyes, "loving the honesty, Boris." He then turned to Doggy with a frown, "if you're not part of Maverick, and you're not with that asshole, who exactly are you?"
Doggy scratched his mask with a considering look as he sat across Raiden in the chopper's cabin and drank some hot chocolate which the recovery team had given him to soothe his pain, "hmm, normally I wouldn't tell you but seeing as we have the same enemy and that I'm practically non-existent here…" He sat back straight and replied in a carefree voice with an eye-smile, "I am Hatake Kakashi, codename: Inu. I suppose I'd be Dog in your language." He then frowned and held his head, "at least that is what the information the Sage shoved into my head says."
Raiden blinked, "Sage? Who's the Sage?"
Kakashi muttered with a scowl, "just a god who thinks it's okay to deport someone to another dimension just days before the theatrical release of the much awaited 'Make-out Tactics' because he wants to find out the answer to peace in a war-torn world." He turned the scowl to Raiden, "and where does he throw me? In a land where I had to scavenge for a month to find some quality literature." He growled and gripped his fists, "only to have them burned by a tasteless samurai!"
"Right… a god sent you to another world because you were too horny…" Raiden buzzed his codec, "uh, hey Courtney? Can you get us a shrink when we land? I think our friend's a headcase-"
Kakashi continued his mutters, not paying attention,
"Jokes have no place on a battlefield? Hmph, I'll show you a joke." A vindictive smirk occupied his face, "even better, I'll make you the punchline, samurai."
Raiden stopped mid-sentence as he heard that, the image of a samurai with his butt humiliatingly offered up to the skies flashed in his mind and he grinned.
Courtney spoke in his codec, "copy that, Raiden. We'll have a doctor ready by the time you land-"
"Hold off, Courtney." Raiden chuckled, "maybe there's a method to our friend's madness." Raiden grinned at Kakashi as the cabin's technicians operated on his arm, "say, you got more where that, what d'ya call it? 'Thousand years of Death' came from?"
Kakashi looked up from his mutters, an evil glint in his eyes which mirrored Raiden's own. He said with a thoughtful hum, "where the ashes of Make-out Paradise were scattered, a true paradise shall spring forth." He leaned forward and said with a smile filled with conviction, "and we shall bear witness to it, as we offer up the samurai as the first sacrifice to the world of Lord Jiraiya's making." Raiden made a 'huh?' face in confusion. Kakashi chuckled and nodded, "basically, we will conduct an experiment which will try to answer the question: What can change the nature of a man?" Kakashi's voice was filled with feigned scientific curiosity, as he cupped his chin, "can you change a philistine into an enjoyer of the arts? The very question grips me with a personal intensity."
Kakashi smirked, "to put it more bluntly, is there a death more painful than death from the inside? And to know that you have died but still breathe to gaze upon your killer, a killer which you know is yourself?" He chuckled and shook his head, "isn't that such an interesting question?"
Raiden hummed in appreciation, "killing without killing huh?" He smirked and patted the other man's shoulder, "you, Dog, I like the way you think." His torn hand and lost eye thrummed with delight at the images the other man's words evoked. Grinning, Raiden then opened his AR display and surfed over to Maverick's corporate servers, and started punching in information, "say, how would you like a job to answer this question along with Maverick-?"
His codec immediately buzzed with Boris banging on the other end.
"Raiden! What is this hernya?!" Raiden groaned as he saw his boss' pissed-off face, "since when did I give you the authority to recruit!"
Raiden put on an appeasing smile, "come on, Boris. I could always use the field backup. And forget the evaluation, his performance is better than the best of our guys'-"
Boris shook his head with a firm glare, "I already told you, Raiden. We cannot afford two of you-"
Raiden cut him off and looked up at Kakashi, "name your price, Dog. We can expense maintenance on your cybernetics, weapons supply, and muscle fiber upgrades, along with a steady salary each month. But, seeing as you have a personal stake in this and also that we're skipping a lot of hoops here, we'll be cutting your funds short in exchange for information and inclusion in missions on our mutual target." Raiden gave him a rough smile, "what do you say?"
Kakashi frowned back and said slowly, "I appreciate the offer but… I am unlike you." Raiden frowned and asked him to elaborate. "I am not a metal-man like you. A 'cyborg' is it?" He thumped his arms, "this is flesh, all the maintenance it needs is food and regular exercise." He nodded, "I'll take you up on the weapons supply and information however."
Raiden gaped at him, "w-what? Y-You're not a cyborg?" Kakashi shrugged and nodded. Raiden growled, "you're shitting me. Then what, using an exoskeleton?" Seeing Kakashi's incomprehension, Raiden clicked his teeth and gently shoved the technician off him and immediately began feeling Kakashi up, leaning towards him and pushing and prodding for any signs of artificial enhancement.
And while he was busy with his inspection, his codec buzzed and he shoved it off his face with a grunt, not caring who it was in his haste to continue his investigation.
"I… I can't believe it… It's all natural! And you can stand up to cyborgs? " Raiden said in amazement to Kakashi, as he poked him from top to down. He whipped his head up to the ninja, "just what did you do for such an amazing body? What's your secret!" He glared at him, "hell, I'd kill to have your body if I could."
Kakashi rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably, "Raiden… do you have a family?"
Raiden frowned, "what? What's that got to do with this?"
Kakashi pointed behind him, "if you do… I think you're giving your wife the wrong impression." He smiled pleasantly over Raiden's head, "good evening, ma'am. How do you do? And who's that adorable little tyke who looks like a mini-Raiden?"
"H-Hello…" Raiden's stomach dropped and he paled as he heard Rose's stuttering and shocked voice, "t-this is John… my and Raiden's son… S-Say hi, John." Raiden gulped as he imagined what this must look like to his family, with him crouching before another man and… oh god.
"Hi, mister!" He heard his little boy's enthusiastic shout, "are you a ninja? You look like a ninja!" Kakashi chuckled warmly and nodded. "Wow! Dad, you're so cool you get to work with ninjas!" Raiden breathed a sigh of relief as his son chose to focus on the safer side of things- "And dad?" Raiden turned around and gave him an encouraging smile to continue. John gave him an innocent grin and blurted out, "why do you have your hand up that ninja's bu- mmnph!" Rose immediately clasped her son's mouth shut with an aghast face, as Raiden froze with terror at having to explain just why it looked like he had his hand up another man's bu-
"J-John, it looks like daddy's b-busy." Rose gulped and tried to give them a smile, a smile which shook horribly, "l-let's give him some privacy, o-okay?"
Raiden willed his mouth to respond, it was soldered shut. He tried to stutter out a reply, his processor did not compute. And just when it looked like the situation's implications cemented themselves into his wife,
A lone voice came to his rescue.
Kakashi smiled and spoke with gratitude, "ma'am, let me just take this opportunity to tell you what a fine man you've wedded." Raiden's eyes shot open and he whipped his head to the ninja. Like what the hell does he mean fine man?! Is he trying to dig him deeper! Kakashi folded his hands, "there I was in the battlefield, battered beyond recognition after the loss of my irreplaceable friend." He nodded, "and just when I was about to sink into despair, there came Raiden. Offering me solace and a ceremony to remember the fallen." He clapped Raiden's shoulder with a smile and then looked at Rose, "even now when we're safe from the field, he insists on checking me for injuries and making sure I live to see the next day." He then gave Raiden an annoyed glare, "personally, I think he overdoes it but, hey," he chuckled and turned to Rose, "Raiden wouldn't be Raiden without being a worrywart."
Raiden blinked in confusion. What in metal gear hell was the man babbling about-?
"Oh!" He heard Rose's surprised yelp. "I didn't realize you were injured! Are you okay?" Kakashi assured he was now, after Raiden's expert check-up. Rose smiled at Raiden, "I didn't know you were such a mother-hen, Jack."
Raiden chuckled awkwardly, "h-haha, you know me. A warrior of justice never leaves his comrades behind."
Kakashi nodded sagely, "those who abandon the mission are trash. But those who abandon their teammates are worse than trash."
John shoved his mother's hand off his mouth and gushed enthusiastically, "wow! You both are so cool!"
Rose smiled down at him, "they are, aren't they?" She then looked up, "looks like you're occupied, Jack. I'll call you later, okay dear? Bye for now." She said with a warm smile.
"Yeah, see you, Rose," Raiden said with a smile as the codec call ended, breathing a huge sigh of relief as he escaped a gigaton of dynamite under his ass.
Kakashi sighed, "you owe me one." He raised a brow at Raiden, "you can begin thanking me now."
Raiden looked up at Kakashi with emotional eyes and put a hand on his shoulder, his mouth opening to express his heartfelt thanks to his friend for being a true bro - coincidentally at the same time his codec buzzed with Rose popping up again-
"Ah, Jack, I forgot to tell you that-"
"I fucking love you, man."
Said Rose and Raiden at the same time.
.
.
.
Rose and Raiden stared at each other with horror-struck faces.
Kakashi sighed and slapped his head, muttering, "bad timing must run in the family…"
Rose was the first one to reboot, despite not being a cyborg.
"A-Ah, I-I see, I-I, u-umm, I-I think I left the stove on! U-Umm. B-Bye!"
She cut the call in a hurry, all but running away from the video in a jittery mess.
Kakashi gave Raiden a disappointed frown, "I salvage the situation and what do you do?" Raiden winced. "Give me that maiden-eyed look?" Raiden groaned. "Just had to feel me up with your supportive shoulder touch?" Raiden looked away and scowled. "And dear god, your timing with your embarrassing declaration was impeccable." Kakashi clapped slowly, and very mockingly, as he smiled at Raiden, "I had my doubts as I heard you speak to your boss, but this confirms it. Raiden, you truly are a cyborg ninja. The very definition of an expert in reading the room."
"…I fucking hate you, man," Raiden said weakly as he gave the smirking Kakashi a simmering glare. He turned away from the other man's judgemental eyes and stared out the chopper with a scowl, "and that job offer? Forget it, you're-"
"Hired!"
Raiden blinked as a roughly grinning Boris popped up on the chopper's mounted screen. Raiden sputtered, "Boris! Come on! If you hire this guy my wife will-"
"Keep you in line, da?" Boris said while signing papers before him, smiling like it was holiday season, "let's see, he's completely non-cybernetic, only requires weapons supply and salary, and he can make sure you actually listen to orders and not go sauntering off while quoting your advanced field experience." Boris sat back and smirked, "I'll be honest, Raiden. You are our best operative, but you are quite the handful."
Raiden scoffed, "it's cute that you think he can make sure I listen-"
Kakashi rest his chin on his hand and said, exaggeratedly imitating Raiden's voice and making it extra awkward and girly, "I fucking love you, man." Kakashi shrugged as Raiden gave him a 'wtf?' face. "You give me the ammo, I won't be afraid to use it." He smiled back, "we dig our own graves, Raiden."
"Point made, Raiden?" Boris seemed to be on cloud nine, almost on the verge of signing bonuses for everyone out of pure satisfaction.
"…yeah," Raiden grumbled and slapped his face with a sigh, "point made." He extended his hand to Kakashi, "welcome to the team, I guess?" And after they shook hands he continued, "so how exactly are we going to kill a man without killing him?"
Kakashi let out a sinister smirk, "don't worry. His death has already begun."
Raiden frowned and stared up the ceiling in thought, "really? When?"
Kakashi said, laying out his master scheme, "it all began when-"
Beep! Raiden's code buzzed again with Rose showing up with a face trying so hard to be brave,
"Jack, look. I'm sure what I heard was just a misunderstanding-"
"-I shoved my fingers so far up his ass and let loose my ass-cutter to literally shatter his self-respect." Kakashi smirked, "and as we know, change begins with a weakening of the fortress."
Raiden barked a laugh and slapped his thigh, "yeah, I'll pay you hard cash to make that asshole's ass stick up to the heavens like that again." He bared his teeth in a vengeful grin, "most glorious sight I ever saw." He heard a squeak and turned to his AR display floating to his side. "Oh hey, Rose. What's up?"
Rose stammered, wobbling on her feet, and holding onto a door,
"P-Paying t-to see, a-a-asses stick u-up?" She hiccuped, giving Raiden a hurt look. "I-It's the most glorious sight you e-ever saw?"
Raiden's first response was going, "ah shit, not again," and cursing himself for setting his codec to auto-accept calls. His second response was to meaningfully look at Rose and say,
"Rose, believe me when I say this." He said with a heartfelt smile, "babe, you have the greatest ass on the planet. Hell, even my worst nightmare runs away the moment I dream about your mesmerizing rear." He gave her a warm look, "it's kinda poetic actually, your behind helps me leave my past behind. I can stare at it all day long and never stop staring, because Rose? The way you move is my entire groove. So babe, shake that ass to eleven, cause it's my one and only earthly heaven."
"…"
Rose's jaw hung as she gaped at him with a red face.
Raiden smirked and patted himself on the back for a job well done.
Kakashi and Boris were making faces and trying not to heave at his cheesiness.
"J-Jack!" Raiden winced and covered his ears as Rose shrieked, "I can't believe you! In front of your coworkers?!" Her face fuming with embarrassment.
Raiden tried a disarming smile, "come on, Rose. You know what they say."
Rose glared at him, "what?"
Raiden gripped his fist in this air and declared in a strong voice,
"Ass is justice!"
Rose stared.
Raiden winked and continued, "and yours is the only creed I ever need-"
"Oh god, stop it, Jack!" Rose snapped and gave him a look. "You've said enough-!"
"But, Rose-"
"No! You listen to me! Just where do you get off thinking you can speak so brazenly?! Is this the example we want to set for John-!"
And Raiden sat there in the chopper staring sullenly at the floor and nodding obediently at his wife, flinching each time her shriek went over another octave.
"We dig our own graves, Raiden," Kakashi helpfully added, sitting back and reading a book retrieved from his jacket. "We dig our own graves."
Raiden growled and muttered at him, "oh shut up."
Rose gasped, "w-what did you just say, Jack!"
Raiden groaned, "not you, Rose!"
"Don't you 'not you' me, mister!"
As his lovely better half's tirade continued, the cyborg ninja began banging his head against the helicopter and started praying for it to knock him unconscious.
Because hell, not even all the cybernetics in the world can help him win against his wife.
Meanwhile, in Desperado's tiltrotor
"Sam, Sam, Sam."
"I don't like your tone, Sundowny-"
"Ah leave you in a tunnel for five minutes-"
"Be quiet , Sundowny-"
"And you have a man's hand right up your a-"
"That's not what happened!"
"Now look, Sam. I ain't judging so long as you finish the job-"
"I do not need your understanding, Sundowny!"
"Hell, no need to feel uncomfortable. Desperado's an equal opportunity employer, Sam-"
"Cut it out before I cut you, Sundowny!"
"Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you, Sam?"
"…what?"
"This whole 'ass-cutter' business? Shit, the whole comms were flooded with your scream."
"…oh god-"
"I had a smile thinking your sorry ass finally beat it, but no, apparently you were beating it-"
"Oh god, stop- "
"And I have Armstrong on the phone asking what that ungodly yell was about-"
"How in the world does he know?!"
" Everyone knows, Sam. What? You think destabilizing a country is a mission which wouldn't have all hands on deck?"
"…right. Excuse me while I go commit sudoku-"
"Now, Sam. We're not here to make you feel bad. In fact, Armstrong gave his personal assurance that he'd deal with anyone who'd make a fuss-"
"Why the hell do you care! You're a heartless monster, Sundowny!"
"Frankly, I don't give a shit what gets you off. But I'm your superior and company policy says I'll be fired if I don't create a welcoming workplace environment."
"…you just don't want to lose your opportunity for massacres."
"Yup. Simple as that. So, ready to come out the closet-"
"For god's sake, I'm not bloody gay! So take your damn acceptance and shove it up your ass!"
"…Sam, now that is completely unacceptable. Words like 'bloody gay' have no place in our globalized workforce, where each and every one of us comes from diverse backgrounds with preferences spread over a wide spectrum-"
"You're reading a pamphlet, aren't you?"
"Yeah, they give it to every CO upon promotion. Anyway, shut up. This stuff's gonna take an hour to get through-"
"Okay, I'm sorry for saying that, it was wrong and honestly people can do whoever they want-"
"Yeah, no dice. I still gotta say it. So, 'we strive to create a healthy office-space, where you can be your most authentic self-'"
Sam sighed as he sat across Sundowner who hunched over an AR display which floated before him, he muttered while pinching the bridge of his nose with a groan, "oh fuck me-"
Sundowner cut off his speech with a snort just to inject, "sorry Sam, you're not my type- whoa, holy shit!" He stared wide-eyed as Sam took his sword and pierced it into himself, straight into his abdomen and out the other end. "Are you insane, Sam?! Trying to frame me for abuse of authority, you crazy bastard!" Sundowner hollered down the cabin, "I need a goddamn medic here like yesterday!"
Losing consciousness and faintly smiling up the ceiling, Sam muttered before he clocked out, "heh, got you to cut the crap and shut up."
Sundowner gave him a look as if he thought he was an idiot, as the medics took over and began patching him up, "Sam, we're all hooked up on nanomachines. So sleep tight, 'cause this corporate shit's going straight to your brain."
"N-No…" Sam stuttered as a helmet was lowered.
"N-Nooo…" He weakly tried to crawl away as it clasped around his chin and tightened.
Bling!
And suddenly a recording played before his face, with Armstrong sitting in his office with his slicked-back hair and smiling strongly at the camera, and saying,
'Welcome, new recruit of Desperado Enforcement. I'm Steven Armstrong, your senator. And today I'm here to talk about the problem of the rising intolerance in our society, and what you can do to help fight it. But first, I want to tell you, yes, you. Whoever you are, recruit. You're okay. Hell, you're better than okay. And I accept you for the goddamn amazing human being you are-'
"N-NOOOO!"
Sam's screams were lost to the desolate skies.
As not even sudoku could save him from becoming a decent - corporate-approved - human being.
Elsewhere, Raiden and Kakashi suddenly smiled at each other with shit-eating grins and didn't even know why.
What can change the nature of a man?
What death can make you your own killer, and let you see your corpse while still alive?
It might be a fanciful idea, or just some metaphorical indulgence, but one thing was for sure…
The world would soon find out.
What Paradise is.
Author's Note:
Hey there!
I hope you enjoyed the fic!
Leave a comment if can, I love reading them.
I partially dedicate this fic to LordQuadros and to funnywes in youtube
Their metal gear abridged videos are funny as heck.
So if you guys ever end up reading this and have fun, I hope you have as much fun as I did watching your stuff.
Well, even a small chuckle from you would make me happy.
Anyway, the other half is dedicated to the readers!
Because hey, without you guys I wouldn't even be posting this here
Anyway, Happy Diwali to everyone who celebrates it!
And have a great day to everyone else!
Stay safe!