All Here, For All Of It
Nathan and Elizabeth's First Kiss
One Shot
Elizabeth pulled back on the reins as she slowed her reliable companion to a gentle walk. She looked up as they started to turn towards the path headed to Jack's grave. A place that once held unbearable pain now seemed to offer peace and a refuge from life's torrents. Sergeant knew the way and found his steps easily. In the safety of his steady rhythm, Elizabeth soaked up the respite in this stolen moment, just as dawn began to break. She closed her eyes and filled her lungs with the cool morning mist and smell of wet cedar. It had been weeks since she ventured up this direction and weeks since she felt the peace to breathe so deeply. Time in general seemed to slow down tremendously after the rush to find Lucas, arrest Monique and his men, and prosecute them for kidnapping an elected official. Making sure that the new governor was safely installed in Capitol City was a top priority for many, including Elizabeth and Nathan. But Elizabeth had to own, that she was now pondering a new pressing priority…
A familiar side grin flashed in her mind. Seeing it there, made her lips curve spontaneously into a similar suggestive smile. She leaned into the memory. Her chest rose and fell at a more rapid pace when she recalled his tender voice asking her earnestly,
"What are you doing here?"
It was a good question she recalled. Elizabeth briefly opened her eyes to pass the very spot where this interchange had taken place. What had, brought her here that day? As Elizabeth paused her journey briefly, she slowed Sergeant to a halt. She reflected that it was here, where she was going to finally offer what was truly in her heart. She was able and ready to admit what had been suppressed for years. The honesty she found in herself was about to be shared, with the one person who needed to hear it the most. The hope and anticipation of what was almost declared threatened to overtake her again.
Just as before, her confession was interrupted. But this time it was Sergeant who pulled at the reins slightly, encouraging Elizabeth to continue. As they started to walk again Elizabeth and Nathan's log fell from view. But the memory of another meeting at the same spot could hardly be put away. For here was also where she had denied what was in her heart. It was a place where fear had taken over. Elizabeth closed her eyes tightly; trying to push away the words she had spoken that day. How the fear of being so broken again, forced her to run from the love that was looking her in the eyes. As she clenched tighter to Sergeant, tears ran from her closed lids. Once again she felt Nathan unabashedly declare,
"Elizabeth… I'm in love with you, 'Lizabeth… I love you…"
She let those words reach her heart as Sergeant's pace worked to steady her. Elizabeth recoiled internally at the memory of how she reacted. How his raw emotion hung in the air, without any response from her. At the time, admitting how much she loved him even to herself, felt like a threat. Fleeing from such vulnerability seemed the only option. But she didn't want to run anymore.
"Oh Nathan…"
Elizabeth spoke out loud to the wilderness around her. She closed her eyes as spoke to the one, who saw what she couldn't admit,
"I have to tell you. You have to know."
With wet cheeks and new resolve, she road on. She breathed deeply as she tried to take in all that had transpired between them. Her eyelids fluttered wide open as Sergeant stopped and shook his head as if to say, "We're here." Elizabeth reoriented herself to the present moment and looked up through her blurry eyes, still full of emotion. She saw in the distance an unmistakable figure standing tall on the hill. He appeared to be lingering at her spot, next to Jack. The figure turned and started walking towards her. As her eyes began to clear, her thoughts became cloudy and her heart began to race. He was dressed down in his familiar blue plaid shirt and brown suspenders. It was Nathan but why was he at Jack's grave? Elizabeth dismounted deliberately trying to stand upright without faltering. The man in her mind and in the distance seemed to materialize next to her in a moment. His sudden presence was affecting her sense of balance. She tried to ground herself by taking in controlled breaths. To calm down she delayed her blinking and slowly tied Sergeant's reins to the fence post. Nathan's eyes on the other hand were tender as he craned to get a better look at Elizabeth's face. He could tell she had been crying and immediately wanted to show her his care. But before he could voice his concern, Elizabeth looked up and asked curiously,
"What are you doing here?"
Pushing down his questions for the moment, he gathered his thoughts. Nathan remembered that Elizabeth had not known of his frequent trips to see Jack. He held his breath for a moment and then he began to explain in his hesitant way,
"I come up here sometimes… I like to talk to Jack."
She felt a shy warmth rush over her as she asked him honestly,
"What do you talk to him about?"
But as the question slipped from her mouth, Elizabeth seemed to know the answer. The energy shifted as Nathan's smile peeked out as he confessed,
"Mostly you…"
Elizabeth was surprised at the rush of feelings that overtook her as she fumbled for her response. Knowing that Nathan sought to come here, to work out his feelings for her affected her more than she was ready for. The warmth that started in the center of her being began to pool in her eyes. The depth of Nathan's love for her seemed to overflow and she couldn't help but let a few tears fall.
Nathan's face suddenly shifted again as he rushed to say,
"I'm sorry, it must feel odd to see me here… I never wanted to overstep but talking to Jack felt necessary for me…"
Elizabeth interrupted him gently, "I like that you come to see him."
Nathan questioned softly, "You do?"
His head tilted slightly in wonder, taking in the calm that she had just offered. Elizabeth looked down surprised by her admission but it was true, she loved that Nathan came to see Jack. It felt right for Nathan to be here…
And here he was; right here and so was she. His actual presence struck her again at that moment. She had spent so much time rehearsing with him in her head but this was the time. No more holding back, no more questions, no more hiding. She whispered some encouragement to her heart silently,
"Be all here… Do what you are afraid to do…"
Her blood started to rush as her head lifted boldly. But before she could speak he looked down at her, his face full of compassion. He was trying to make sense of the tears he saw before and the ones that now threatened to spill over. Nathan looked to the ground briefly, gathering his next words,
"'Lizabeth, I know you need time and… your heart might never…"
Nathan tried to continue but Elizabeth stepped closer to him as he spoke. They were mere inches away now. She looked up at him trying to catch his eyes. She found them. He stammered, forgetting what he was going to say. His words trailed off into a tension-filled silence. All he could do was part his lips slightly in an effort to breathe as he felt her presence move in towards him with purpose. He swallowed hard. She began to touch his arm and then slid her way up to touch his face. Nathan reflexively leaned into her hand. This precious hand he only dreamt of feeling like this. Elizabeth's other hand instinctively made its way to the back of his head. She sank her fingers deep into his chestnut hair. The need to touch him moved her as much as her need to speak. Nathan closed his eyes at this surprising and intimate position they found themselves in. But he forced them open to be assured that this was real and not another one of his endless dreams of her. This moment seemed to be frozen in time.
Elizabeth deliberately pulled his face down to meet hers and softly past his cheek. She whispered in his ear with passionate courage,
"Nathan… I'm in love with you, Nathan… I love you."
The words lingered in the air. They held the moment together as they both indulged in the full meaning of what was happening… right…here. They both felt the warmth of their bodies surge as she rested her cheek on his. Their hearts were both pounding wildly as they drank in the contact. Gradually, Elizabeth slid her cheek back to meet his eyes. They were full of tears… full of love, full of longing and hope. Years of unspoken emotions were wrapped up in those eyes that met Elizabeth's and she received them. She mirrored back the same world of emotions to him. Communicating in silent gazes was one of their strong suits but now there was permission for action as well.
In one fluid motion, Nathan leaned in eliminating any remaining space between them. He tenderly placed both of his hands to encase Elizabeth's face. He held her there caressing one cheek with his thumb, locking eyes and souls in that moment. Determined to show her what those words did to him, he drew her face towards his. As he moved in to touch his lips to hers, Elizabeth breathed in their mingled air. She gradually surrendered to this man who had loved her so well, for so long. A man she would fight to love from now on. Being held by Nathan was right, especially here where Jack's memory was honored and their future seemed blessed. Yes, there was more to say. Yes, there was more to figure out between them. But as their lips met the built-up passion leapt from them both in a collision of risk that expressed what no words could ever communicate. They had stepped off the ledge of safety into courageous vulnerability. As they finally took a breath, they held tight to each other's gaze. She could feel his vulnerable strength speaking volumes to her through those shining blue eyes. Elizabeth knew beyond any doubt that she would never be lost in these lips, these eyes, with this man here before her but found. Here in this moment of silent confession he offered his whole self. With knowing eyes that peered back, she accepted and offered her whole self in return. Nathan pulled her to himself as Elizabeth's head found a home on his chest. Nathan softy offered the words that confirmed her quiet knowing,
"You have my whole heart 'Lizabeth, I've always been yours…"
As Elizabeth sought to wrap her arms around his solid frame a peace fell over her. Not a peace that comes from denying heartache and truth but a peace that comes from walking into them. She knew this man holding her, would always hold her to being her whole self. He would love her deeply, challenge her always, and to face life's fears with her daily. Fear had held them both back at times and they both had many to still face in this life. But as they embraced, they chose to fight for love and not run from those fears. The winding path that brought them here was now stretching out before them. The courage they found by choosing each other, they would continue to walk in. Both were finally ready to be all here, for all of it.