AN: Some weird train of thought shit about Ritsuko Akagi and her thoughts on Yui Ikari. Yeh.
Descending
Who is she?
Ritsuko's brow furrowed. Brown locks dancing with every step, a lab coat dragging behind her feet, brilliance beyond her years. At 'dinner', Naoko Akagi spoke highly of her whenever she was not listing the fellow scientist's shortcomings. As they ignored one another, gorging on instant curry or ramen, she heard her mother mumble about Ikari and Rokubungi and how they had gotten closer after Second impact.
She went to University and quickly understood the cold nature of human beings. Supposed friends numbed their pain and stress with alcohol, others droned senselessly on conspiracy theories and assigned blame on the billions of lives lost to what she knew had been Adam's awakening. Her emotions, jaded as they were under Naoko's tutelage, became even more detached from her daily life. It was not long until GEHIRN took an interest in her mother's work, and recruited the younger Akagi in hopes she would match Naoko's intellect.
I'm not her. I'm not my mother, either.
Laughter was the first reaction she had to suppress after being debriefed by Naoko and the Committee. The foolish tinfoil-hat truth seekers like Kaji had been right all along. How ironic, she thought right after realizing billions had been wiped off the Earth, and billions more would suffer a similar fate in years to come. Who would want to bring children into a doomed existence such as theirs?
They married. Unsurprising, consider how tense the apartment feels. What is she, some angel? A genius to be sure. One with an intellect far superior to my own. Another disappointment for you, Mother. Neither of us measure up, and now your dearest Gendo has fallen under the angel's spell.
Ikari never missed a day of work. Her belly grew and so did her enthusiasm for completing the Project. Whereas she smiled and 'glowed' and crunched calculations, her husband remained stoic. His frigid gaze became almost jealous of the love radiating off the mother-to-be. Had she not seen a similar emotion glistening in Naoko's eyes, she would not have recognized it. What sort of man would be envious of their own child?
Partaking in Katsuragi's antics was a welcomed distraction to her mother's mental deterioration. She sat on the counter of a bar, going through her first cigarette pack and a cold beer. The smoke filled her lungs and quenched a thirst she had not known existed in her.
"So, you're going along with this trip to Germany?"
Misato shrugged and downed another shot. "Dunno, maybe. Probably." She frowned at her glass, then at the cross on her necklace. "Just not right now, maybe in a couple of years."
"Doesn't hurt to make some connections, plant some seeds if you catch my drift," she retorted. Another long draw of the cigarette drifted her mind to the Ikari's child. "Some people start planting those seeds even before their children come to the world."
"Yeah, I wouldn't know about that," said Misato. "My parents weren't exactly concerned with me."
Ah, yes. Doctor Katsuragi. Not quite as loving as Ikari, I'd suppose. She smiled with bitterness. "I know a little about that." Another long draw, until the smoke burned her lungs. "I know more on disappointing your parents' expectations, though."
So they laughed, and they drank and they shared. Late at night, smoking the last of her newfound addiction, the child's innocent laughter echoed in her mind. Yui seemed like a good parent. Another in her never-ending list of accolades.
For all her virtues, she still had a lousy taste in men. Gendo Ikari never smiled.
Absorbed into Unit 01? Frankenstein and her monster, I suppose.
Work at NERV was always hectic, which came as a blessing in disguise. The facility was so large that entire days could go by without her running into her mother. Creating a semi-sentient super computer that could predict and adapt to coming battle scenarios was sure to be hard labor. She saw Naoko sink her claws into Gendo Ikari the moment his wife was lost to Unit 01. A welcome distraction. Now she won't have time to remember I exist.
She dove into genetics and mechanics, as requested by the Committee, and tried in vain to fill the gap left by their star scientist. Breakthroughs were soon being made, but never quickly enough for the old men. How much of their banter had Yui had to suffer through? Had she minded at all? What were her objectives, knowing about the Instrumentality Project so early and still bringing a child into the world?
It came as no surprise when said child was sent away. What shocked her was the despair that consumed Gendo Ikari the day he came to her. Why her, and not Naoko? Perhaps he thought her mother's stomach would flip with the proposition. Perhaps the man considered it would be simpler to persuade her. In a way, it was. Something cracked from within her that day. A 'chink in her armor' Misato would say.
Having already shaken the Devil's hand with the promise of becoming one with God, cultivating a clone out of the remnants of Yui Ikari was child's play. Despite her eagerness, Ritsuko's own guts constricted when Ikari began speaking of accelerated growth, isolation, Pavlovian conditioning and military training. What began as an effort to ease the man's grief quickly derailed into a sickening realization. Ikari no longer cared for the Committee's scenario, and had begun crafting his own.
In later years, she would remember this as the only moment Gendo Ikari had been vulnerable. In later years, she'd come to regret not having used the power imbalance in their interactions. Instead, her heart ached for his loss, and wished to provide him solace.
So grew the first Rei Ayanami in a test tube and wass presented as Ikari's ward. Barely anybody within the Geofront noticed, much less pretended to cae. Rei's smile was eerie. Her eyes sparkled with mischief, a mockery of the joy that danced in Yui's gaze. Still, Gendo was satisfied. He ordered more. Spares, he called them, dehumanizing his own creation further.
The descent began.
Live alone, at that age? And the boy he sent to a stranger.
Granted, Rei was not four years old, which only made everything worse. Isolation was detrimental to any child's development, yet it seemed the preferred approach of their new Commander. The affection he displayed towards someone not entirely human, and not at all related to him made her skin crawl at first.
"What do you think Yui Ikari would think of her husband now?"
The smoke was more welcoming than her mother's presence. They met so rarely lately that she had forgotten how uncomfortable the woman made her.
Naoko sneered. "Will you put that out? Don't you care about smelling like an ashtray?" She took Ritsuko's cigarette and threw it into the sink. "No man will even look at you. And still dying your hair, I see."
"Yes, Mother," Ritsuko replied. The words tasted worse than eating the contents of her ashtray. "I like this color. We've been over this. And this are my quarters, so if you don't mind." She lit up another cigarette and ignored Naoko's glare. "Anyhow, you're a mother."A sorry excuse for one, to be sure. "Do you believe Yui would approve?"
"Who cares if she would, Gendo does as he wishes." Naoko dismissed the question with the same motion she pushed smoke away from her face. "The brat should count her lucky stars, being around him so long. Yui was always fawning over her son. It made him weak. Do you remember how much he bawled every time she brought him in?"
He was around literal monsters from the cradle and watched his mother die.
"No more than any child in his age and situation would, I suppose," Ritsuko replied. "Sending him away to someone he's not even related to was a good thing, then?"
"It'll toughen him up, hopefully." Her mother got to her feet and dropped half her instant ramen in the trash. "I'm done. Can't you have something better than microwaved fat next time?"
"I'll try, Mother. Thank you for the visit and insightful conversation." Ritsuko took a long draw and let it burn her lungs. "I take it Yui and you did not quite see eye to eye?"
"Stop talking about that… woman," Naoko demanded from the door. Her eyes narrowed, glaring hatred into her daughter. "She's gone. I wish she would have taken the child along, one less distraction in Gendo's mind. And now he has that other brat around. I can't ever catch a break." She turned away. "Have those papers at my office tomorrow."
The door hissed closed before Ritsuko could respond.
"I take it Yui wouldn't like her son being thrown away like used laundry, but what do I know?" she asked her ramen. "I'm not a mother, am I. And my frame of reference is more than skewed." Leaning back on the chair, she scratched behind her cat's ear. "At least she's gone. Blissful quiet at last, eh, Boots?"
She thought of Rei. A sickening connection to Yui as a mother, and a scientific achievement toppling the two most influential women in her existence. It was only proper that she toppled Naoko with something more monstrous than the Evangelions.
It was the last time she talked to her mother.
Naoko Akagi's suicide darkened the ambient within headquarters for weeks. Workers, citizens and her own subordinates stared, waiting to see sadness, loss, anger or even joy. Her mother's death was the first time Ritsuko noticed a part of her was gone. It had started cracking away throughout her childhood and youth, and had faded into a black void, never to be retrieved again. She felt relief instead of despondence. No more critique, no more impossible standards to maintain, no more narcissistic banter.
Rei's body had been found next to her mother. Ikari retrieved his spare and carried on with his duties as though a child had not just been strangled to death by his lover. The boy who had been sent away crossed her thoughts a year after Naoko's passing. A kinder fate than being raised by his father. But is it, really? He'll just be used when the time is appropriate, as we all will.
The Instrumentality Project demanded more than time and effort. She had plenty of the former; what was there to do for a mind as brilliant as hers, if not defy God and creation? The fatigue and endless cigarettes were an expected by-product of her work. However, every year a piece would slip, and fall into the void. Lying to and manipulating even her supposed best friend became part of her routine. Her subordinates always enjoyed working under her. They never realized she only pretended to care about their improvement. What were they all, if not meat in the butcher's block? Means to an end, fuel to the tank of human complementation.
Relationships and bonds became a necessity and many times, an obstacle. Whatever thirst for affection and companionship within her could be sated by her cats. Other desires were quenched by the random night of drinking with Misato; men easy to sway and discard, after all.
All but one. As the years passed and the arrival of the Angels neared, the agonizing remnants of her humanity clung onto Gendo Ikari. What difference did it make if she served God or the Devil? Humanity was to become one single consciousness in the end. No barriers, no individuality, no fear. The thought of her soul mingling with every other human was sickening, but becoming one with that man was an enticing idea, one that turned her rational brain foolish.
She wondered what Yui had felt for Gendo Ikari. Had the woman's infatuation for him been so intense that she had forgotten herself? If so, why volunteer to an experiment that would separate her from both her husband and child? Did Yui know something the Committee ignored? How far along had she planned, and was Gendo aware of her machinations, if there were any?
"This is the Third Child? As per the 'MARDUK Institute', huh," she told Naoko's brain. The cigarette smoke burned Ritsuko's eyelids. "What a coincidence, mother. According to the Scrolls, the first emissary will arrive soon." Her eyes drew Unit 01's video feed. "Hear that? Your son is coming to visit you. Aren't family reunions the best?"
The MAGI offered no reply. She had yet to install a sensor that measured her bitter sarcasm. She was Yui Ikari's replacement, but never Yui Ikari.
I knew he was heartless and Machiavellian, but this is a tad extreme.
Ritsuko questioned her resolve to follow the scenario after Rei was wheeled into Unit 01's hangar. Having been directly involved in providing Gendo with data regarding the son he had abandoned, she knew the man was simply pushing human emotions as though they were Shogi pieces. If his bluff worked, they gained a suitable pilot for Unit 01. If it failed, he could always get a 'spare'.
You burned your hands to a crisp to get her out of the Entry Plug a few weeks ago, and now you parade her wounds around to gain another tool. There truly is no line you will not cross, is there?
She wanted to laugh in derision during the meetings with Generals, or every time Misato commanded their forces to victory. The poor woman truly believed they were the 'good guys', the righteous warriors with a pure and simple goal; to save humanity from annihilation. The army's efforts against Sachiel proved just how laughably inferior their weaponry was. And so, humanity relied on the genius of Yui Ikari, Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu and Naoko Akagi to survive another day.
Nicotine's kiss eased her nerves once the battle was done. The Third Child had been added to the board, soon to be followed by the Second. Shinji was a quick learner for someone so emotionally stunted, but it had not been him who defeated the Angel. Again, her thoughts drifted to the boy's mother while smoke rose up to the ceiling and her cats demanded nourishment. Unit 01 had acted autonomously twice in less than a day after nigh on a decade of silence.
"Mother, what did we help create?" The mainframe remained silent. "Do you think she can hear us, buried under that armor and flesh? What if only Yui's maternal instincts remained within the beast?" A shudder went down her spine at the thought. "If that's the case, may God have mercy on our souls."
The Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Angels fully integrated Shinji and Soryu's child into the scenario, signaling there no longer was a viable exit strategy for her. She was the heir to Naoko and Yui's legacy, after all. Nobody else in the world comprehended Angels or Evangelions, nor could anybody repair or re-purpose either. She was needed, indispensable, even to Gendo Ikari. Perhaps pursuing Instrumentality had been her fate all along.
Asuka's efforts to connect with Shinji during the first months were a welcome distraction. Destined to Fail as they were, something about their interactions humored her fading decency. In another life she would have rooted for them. In another life, she would not have helped break them into pliable chess pieces.
Her mask slipped after Unit 01's emergence from Lehiel. Fear had turned her stomach into knots and frozen her mind, when minutes before she had been prepared to reduce the Sea of Dirac to ashes. Misato was beginning to realize the extent of her callousness, the lack of remorse or empathy towards her own friend. How was she to concern herself with the life of one child? As far as the Commander was concerned, Unit 01 was the fruit of Yui's labor more than Shinji was. The boy was expendable, like Rei or Asuka. Like Misato, Aoba, Shigeru or Maya. The behemoth thought differently, it would seem. As the deafening roar of the blood-soaked giant reverberated through the city, more uncertainty blossomed in her chest.
Is this what Frankenstein felt beholding his monster? Is Yui protecting him, or is she simply following along with the Eva's survival instincts? Does it make any difference?
"Come." Gendo's voice cut through the myriad of doubtsthat assaulted her."Tonight"
Once more, Ritsuko's own human weakness failed her. She drowned in him, choked out her doubts as she held him in the night, and pretended it did not affect her when he dismissed her just as one would dismiss a waiter. The thirst worsened. Another part of her shattered, only instead of emptiness, the missing piece was replaced with doubt and resentment.
What was so special about Yui, that she could not take her place in Gendo's mind or heart?
The second Rei's passing ripened her anger into hatred.
A plaything, a mockery of his wife was more important than she was. Gendo had barely lifted a finger upon hearing of her injuries. Bardiel had taken away Toji's Suzuhara's limbs, Shinji's trust and Misato's blind cooperation. Zeruel had made her realize the power they were pretending to wield was beyond even her comprehension. Gendo was more interested in keeping Unit 01 functional than retrieving his child from within the core. Arael had broken the Second Child, and Armisael had broken her.
Her thoughts darkened with each day. Tears came at last, reminding Ritsuko some remnants of who she had been withered still, agonizing but alive. The realization only blackened her heart further. Mirth danced along the sweet feeling of retaliation as Rei's 'spares' dissolved into nothing. Misato and Shinji were sickened with her, but what of it? Gendo Ikari would realize just how expandable she was now. Let him find someone else to create more clones, implant memories and pump them full of growth hormones and medication that numbed their body and mind. Let him suffer, let him despair as she had.
I am nothing to you, am I? Then neither will have their wish fulfilled. I'll make sure of it.
The rancid hatred grew with envy every time Unit 01 crossed her thoughts. What was so special about Yui. Moreover, what was so special about Gendo, that a woman so pure and brilliant would dare carry his progeny? Why was Ritsuko never enough? Had her mother been right?
Yui was the culprit. She had betrayed Ritsuko, Gendo, and her own son. She had damned them all. The reward for ending the last Angel had been a cage. The man she had sacrificed all for had treated her like a petulant child, and sent her to confinement as if to say 'think on your actions'. Not even having a single spare left arose any sort of emotion in him. Nothing but his scenario mattered.
Fine. He's convinced his little whore will surely welcome him with open arms. How fun, to imagine what expression you'll make when I blow us both to hell.
She punched in the self-destruct commands and headed for the Epicenter once the JSSF arrived. Maya's smile cut through her thoughts for a single, perfect moment. Had any parts of her remained, perhaps she would have spared the young woman some turmoil. She convinced herself it was all for the best. Instrumentality was at hand, Maya would be content there, even if she was not.
Balthasar belayed her commands at the last second. Even in death, Naoko robbed her of the tiniest victory, and from the tomb she stabbed her in the back. Ritsuko could not help but laugh at her own foolishness. She had been blind all along while thinking she could see everything.
"Ritsuko Akagi. I am sorry." Gendo's eyes never once wavered. "I love you."
"Liar."
The bullet went through her chest, and in that perfect second all was revealed. She would have laughed harder if able. Where her own mother had betrayed her for Gendo Ikari, Yui had not. Neither brilliance nor scientific callousness would not set the Committee's wishes ablaze, trump the 'scenario', give humanity a second chance, or so much as ease her own agony and bitterness.
A mother's love would.
Finis.
This god that I worship, this demon I blame. Conspire as one, exactly the same. It's exactly the same. Descending, to never recover the pieces to all that we've lost. - Lamb of God.
Remember to stay healthy and eat your veggies, everyone!
PEACE.