Hey. I know I should instead be working on Time Keeps Moving, which I haven't updated in over a year, but I just don't have the inspiration to continue that right now. In fact, I'm toying with the idea of leaving that version of it incomplete, to instead restart. Since I first started it, I've become more confident in my writing skills, so I feel I might be able to do a better job. I also discovered I like writing in first person better than top of that, I just have more practice now after working on my own original work for a while, and reading , all of this is to say, I've started using this app again, and I kind of need to refresh myself, and I decided that writing my first one shot would be a good I guess for depressive things? I dunno, I'm writing this before I even started writing, but I'm in a pretty bad mood, so get ready for some mental pain to the some suicide-Actually, definitely some suicide. And some ooc-ness. Major ooc-ness.

"Life has never been easy for me.

I know, somewhere in my head, that sentence is selfish. My best friend Sasuke had seen all of his family die, Kakashi lost his mentor and best friends when he was young, and Jiraiya was dead. All of that is not even mentioning every enemy I've faced, all the pain they carried. My own problems pale in comparison to theirs.

So what if I grew up alone? So what if people used to look at me badly and treat me terribly? So what if their words stung, and I felt unwanted in my own home? So what if sometimes I couldn't buy food? So what if I wasn't allowed the fun my peers could have?

In their eyes, I deserved it.

And maybe they were right.

Maybe I was a monster, maybe I wasn't. So what?

There is no debate about it now. They all know what I am now, they know I'm a monster. They don't say it this time around, but they do. They know, and this time they're too scared to tell me. This time they hide behind their pity, behind their saccharine sweet words, this time they only look fearfully at me from afar, instead of screaming in my face.

I think I liked it better when they screamed at me.

And this all started because of that day.

Now, I don't want to remember the looks on their faces.

I don't want to remember how they smiled, and called me their hero.

I don't want to remember it.

But I do. I remember this happiness, this elation, this hope they had, like they knew everything would be okay. Like I would solve all their problems, like everything else in the world would fall into place with my one victory.

I don't want to remember it, because I couldn't bring myself to feel the same.

I had this pit in my stomach, one that was so familiar, yet a stranger. Like someone you pass everyday, but don't know. It was a returning guest I had been struggling with for a while now, coming once in a while, and lasting for a few weeks. Nothing major, nothing minor. Not a problem, but not pleasant either.

But then it got worse.

Unlike the rest of the times, it didn't last a few weeks.

It lasted a few months.

It was like a new voice inside my head, worse than Kurama had ever been. It told me things, whispered in my ear, made me do things I didn't want to do. It messed with my head. On one hand, I wanted my friends, needed my friends, but on the other hand, when I was with them there was so much pain.

When I was with them, I felt… sad, I guess. Sad that they had stories to tell from their childhood, people to return home to, people that would miss them. They had a childhood to begin with. They didn't have this emptiness where that should be. They were complete.

This angry thing called jealousy ate away at me all the time. It filled my ex-apartment up, filled that void like nothing else. I think it was the jealousy that drove the blade on those long nights, scars slowly adding up, as if blood spilt could filter out the envy in my mind.

But worst of all was the guilt.

Any death, any tragedy, any of the pain others confessed to me, somehow it all hurt as if my own. I know I said before I could handle it. That I could take other people's hatred, and bear that heavy burden. I know I said that, but why the hell did you believe me? Why did you let me? Why did you all come to me with every single little problem? Why, when I couldn't fix some of it, did you look so disappointed? Why was this all my responsibility? Why couldn't I confide in any of you?

Why did any of these thoughts just make me feel guiltier?

Why does it feel so bad to just want some help?

Why didn't any of you help me?

Why did I push all of you away? Not much, not enough for you to disappear, just… enough for you to hesitate when you approach me. Enough to make you just a bit scared. It sounds so stupid and selfish, I know. You did so much for me, rescued me from the hell that is loneliness, and this is how I treat you? I know I'm terrible.

I just can't bring myself to care.

Then the war happened, and I had to shove it all down. After all, if their symbol of hope was hopeless, then how were they going to win? So I pulled myself together, and tried not to break too much when loss after loss hit.

Trying didn't always mean succeeding.

Still, we made it.

Then, Sasuke wanted to fight, and everything broke all over again. But I had to be strong, I had to keep going, had to smile at him, had to take him back even though all of his betrayals, all those times he had abandoned me completely, were starting to crush my soul and sting like a bitch.

Even though I wanted to beat him up, I wanted to kill him, I couldn't. I knew I couldn't, it was wrong, I was terrible for the thought even occurring to me.

So I continued on. We fought, and I took him back. We returned home as war-heroes, but one of us was a criminal.

Some part of me was happy he was sitting in jail, getting his punishment for abandoning us.

See, I remember, after the war, Sasuke hadn't left yet, as he had been planning to do. He had just been released from jail, and was taking some time to help out where his help was accepted. People were still pissed at him, of course they were, even I was still pissed at him, but there were some people who were willing to accept his help.

Turns out one of those said people was a psychologist, and he was volunteering on the one day I had decided to go. On the one single day I was taking to try to better myself, to not be helping people and risking myself for them, one of the people I was avoiding just happened to be there. And he was helping more people than I was, doing better than I was, being better than I was. As he always was. It was always him against me, wasn't it? Why did I always have to lose? Why was it always fucking me that's inferior, I'm the loser, the idiot genin who can barely drag himself out of bed.

Why was it always like that? I guess fate is a bitch after all.

So after quickly muttering that I was in the wrong building, I turned and left, angry, but defeated. After all, what could I do, other than leave?

Help could wait for another day, right? After all, what problems did I have, hm? Everything was going great in my life, everybody else was happy, so who cares about the sinking feeling in my gut? Who cares that every movement made me jump, who cares that I had nightmares again, who cares that I know, I just know everything is going to go wrong again?

Sasuke did, apparently.

Great, the guy abandons me not once, but what, thrice, four times? And now he decided to care about me. How sweet.

He had followed behind me from a distance, not believing me (of course he didn't believe me). Or that's what it looked like, because I didn't even notice until he called my name from a couple feet away as I was about to open my apartment door. Well, my ex-apartment door. I had been kicked out a week ago, and had just been slowly collecting my things, but nobody needed to know I was sleeping on park benches just yet.

Then again, maybe he didn't sneak up on me, not like I was paying attention.

At that point, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could have either faced Sasuke, and talked to him, with the risk of dropping my smile and blowing up at him, or worse, confiding in him, or I could have quickly opened the door to my old apartment using the key I had so I could get my stuff, and run inside.

I decided on the former, since Sasuke would likely just weasel his way inside anyways, little snake that he is. "Hey, Sasuke!" I smiled at him and walked towards him, putting my arm around his shoulders when I was close enough to guide him away. "Whatcha doing here?"

"Naruto..." Sasuke hesitated, looking uncomfortable as he always did since the war. I thought about how perfect that was, because it might allow for a subject change, but felt immediately guilty afterwards. He was only trying to help, after all. "I know you had meant to go to that psychologist's office. And I also know what's been going on with you lately..."

What?

That wasn't expected, wasn't planned for, there was no way this bitch could have known, unless-

"The fight?" I asked him quietly, my breaths becoming quicker, but I felt like I was getting less air than before. I think I stopped smiling at this point, but I couldn't tell. My face felt numb, everything felt numb, and suddenly I was far away from this conversation.

"Yeah." Sasuke observed me, watched me like some stupid experiment. To anyone else he might've looked calm and collected, but to me it was clear he was nervous, and I just hated it. I wished he would go away, I wished he would just run away again. Then he wouldn't cause any problems. Then I could have been excused for giving up. But he stayed, and continued, much to my dismay. "Listen, Naruto-"

"Save it." I had said with more venom in my voice than I had planned. Then, against what either of us expected, I laughed. I didn't find anything funny, in fact I was scared shitless, but I still couldn't help myself. "I don't know what you're going to say, what insults you'll throw, but whatever you're going to say, I've said worse to myself. And if you were going to try to help me, I think you're the least qualified person for that on Earth. Sasuke, you know how I feel, right? You've been through pain, been consumed by it, so you must know, right? You know how hard it is to keep a secret, how much it drags you down? Except you had a reason, a place for you to put that pain, a place for it to become anger and a need for vengeance. What do I have? I don't have someone to kill, except maybe you, I don't have somewhere to pour my life into and die trying to reach. I don't have someone to be there, someone I can place this weight on. Tell me, what words do you have to help with that, huh?" I was never good at expressing my own pain, I was better at comforting others, but I somehow found some words. The words were hateful, and snarky, but they were there.

Still, the next thing I heard was such a shock, I think it would have been better if I hadn't.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm here for you, if you want to tell me what's wrong. I can take some of the weight. I can take it for you. So please, let me help you."

Sasuke had such a bittersweet look on his face, surprise hidden masterfully, but not well enough. If he was hurt by parts of my outburst, he didn't show it. I don't know why he said that, even now. Why would he do such a thing, why would he say that when there's no way he meant that… Unless he did? Maybe that time he meant it. Maybe that time I could ask for help. Maybe all I had to do was ask-

But when I tried to answer him, all that came out was a sob.

Sasuke's eyes went wide as he came out from under my arm and hugged me awkwardly. Still, it was appreciated.

"I can't deal with my own sadness, I can't deal with everything that's going on in my own head. I can't even contact Kurama anymore. It's like everybody and everything, even my emotions and Kurama are outside of this bubble, and I'm trapped inside. I can't reach them, I can't. I just can't. I can't." I started muttering those same words a lot. They were stuck in my head like an off key melody.

"It's alright, Naruto, why don't we go inside -"

My muscles seized, and I balled my fists around him. "No!" I exclaimed frantically, getting up. God, what was I doing? Confessing? He would think I'm crazy, he did think I'm crazy, he would hate me- I couldn't tell him about this, I couldn't tell him about my apartment, I couldn't tell him how I feel about his return. He'd hate me like everyone else. "Look, it's fine! Everything is fine, trust me, drop it, it'll be fine." I slipped my mask of indifference into place. How could I have failed like that? How could I have confessed? He must've thought that something was wrong with me, that I had to be fixed. I was the one who did the fixing, not him. I could do it, I was fine. What was there to be sad about anyway? "I was just exaggerating, I actually feel much better now. So now, why don't we go train or something, like always?" I must have sounded pathetic because all he did was nod, his lips pursed. He stared at me like I was a freak. I guess I kind of was.

So we left, and everything went to shit.

Ok, I know I said this was a one-shot, but like, I kinda wanna leave it there, so I'm gonna expand it into a two shot. I hope that isn't much of a problem? I'll finish it quickly. for reading, and don't forget to review!