Chapter 16: the metamorphosis
"I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself."
February 1977
When you dream, do you dream like a stag and have stag problems to worry you about at night?
James read the piece of paper that had flown to his desk with the clumsy elegance of a butterfly. Biting his cheek, he looked up at Lily who sitting behind his desk and starring with those big eyes, biting her lip anxiously. His only response was a roll of his eyes and fold the piece of paper unto his pocket. He could almost hear her exasperation and tried to hold on a grin.
Truth was, he enjoyed it very much how she kept obsessing with every single detail of this dual life he led, since he chose to reveal himself to her. It first started with a whirlwind of questions about legality and responsibilities. Those were the easier ones as it resumed to silences or just shakes of head responses and then the red in her face would almost match the one in her hair.
Thankfully that Sunday she was respectful enough of his need to sleep which limited her pestering. From then on however, James had accumulated a reasonable amount of these little papers to create a short pocket book— they all sat in a drawer of his night stand, which he sometimes let out late at night and read over.
Do you miss the ability to talk when you're in stag form? How do you communicate with each other?
Can you still enjoy meat? How come you're not a vegetarian?
Have you ever found yourself finding a lady deer attractive?
It always made James smile imagining, in a few years, a little mini Lily asking questions about the world and not letting it go until everything made sense to her. He limited those scenarios to keep the implications at bay. In broad daylight at least.
He knew she would be waiting for him at the end of class so he could satisfy her curiosity of all questions she had accumulated through the last hour or so. And he wouldn't admit it of course but was quite happy to oblige.
And just like expected,
"So," Lily started, leaving the wall she had been leaning on as she waited for him, "do you?"
"Do what?" he asked, entertained, as he straitened his bag on his shoulder
He greeted a 7th year Hufflepuff who was passing and she walked closer.
"You know," she pressed in a hushed tone "how do you dream?"
He sighed but answered. "Yes, alright? Sometimes my dreams take on this… other perspective" he took a quick look around before answering her. "But it's always me, it's always my mind."
She nodded, unknowingly creating that little crease in-between her eyebrows that James was particularly fond of.
"Makes sense. And what about-"
"Lily?"
She didn't have time to ask her question, as Remus called out for her, by the class door where he has just gotten out of. They hadn't talk yet, not really really. James had told her that Remus knew that she knew and so she kept waiting, as advised by James.
"Look you know him, right? He takes forever to get out of his own head and get his foot on the ground. He's still up there, thinking all those thoughts. He'll come around eventually, I promise."
She just wished he wouldn't be upset with her.
"Remus," she said, her voice sounding more surprised than she hoped for, "hi."
"Hi" he responded, awkwardly.
She walked back to him, waiting.
"Er…" he tried.
She was looking up at him, with so much warmth and patience that when he finally locked eyes with her, she just went ahead and hugged him. His mouth was still mid-open but it didn't take long for him to finally get out of his head and respond to the hug. And it was tight and honest and long. The kind that James wondered about.
"I missed you" she whispered.
"I'm sorry" was his response.
She shook her head and started to let go.
"We're good. Right?" she asked, still close and touching him.
"Right"
He gave her a small smile and she contributed with one that could light up the darkest of nights.
"Good." She said and stepped back, remembering of James who was looking at the scene and gave them a quick nod of the head, before starting to walk away.
"Wait, James— Hum, bye Remus!" she waved him goodbye.
She quickened her step, catching up to the Marauder. "Where you heading?"
He kept walking and looked at his side where she stood incredibly shorter.
"It's Thursday, got Quidditch practice." James told her
"D'you think I could walk you to practice? I want to ask you something."
"Sure. What is it?"
They were walking side by side in a casual pace, ignoring any student that would pass by them through the halls, focused on each other.
"Do you consider me detached?"
He grimaced.
"What? Detached from what?"
"I don't know, apparently someone once called me a haunted house because I'm so cold to be nearby."
"What the fuck, who said that to you?"
"That's not the point, point is—"
"Lily" he interrupted her, pausing their walk to accentuate the seriousness.
She sighed. "Daniel's friends apparently and, well, I guess Daniel."
"I'm gonna kill him."
"No you won't, stop save your masculinity outburst for practice, OK? That's over now. Anyway, point is, I worry I might come across as a detached judgemental bitch. Maybe I comment too much on things and maybe don't let myself get close enough to anything to actually live it."
"Lily, what the hell, I don't feel that way about you at all. Daniel's friends are assholes and he's the biggest one for telling you that instead of punching them."
"IknowIknowIknow, don't worry about that any more OK, I told you already we broke it off, whatever it was."
"What? When?"
"This past weekend, on my birthday party." She waved a hand to dismiss the subject.
"Did that bastard broke up with you on your birthday?"
"What, no— I broke it off, again whatever it was. But we're derailing, we're talking about me being detached."
"Which you're not." He said exasperated, but taking her hand to help her pass by a puddle of fallen rain as they left school walls and started heading into the outwards of the field. The day was surprisingly lovely for a late winter day in Scotland, the sky was clear and everything glistened with the remains of the day's rain.
She took his hand and gave a little jump to pass the puddle. "Yeah? 'Cause it's like, my biggest fear. To be so embroiled in that sort of academic, liberal view of everything that I lose my voice in the process and just become this lamb. 'Cause truth be told, it's not like I'm this rebellious spirit who's fought for what she believes in— not yet at least."
"Well, that's just not true at all. I bet you every single student in this school has a memory of you acting for what you believe in."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I know I have a handful at least."
She smiled. "You're always so sure about everything James, I admire that about you. I mean, what's a problem for you?"
"A problem for me?" he saw her look at the ground and found it endearing how cautious she was of where she put her feet.
"Yeah, what riles you up, what leaves you worried or unsure?"
"You, probably." He grinned.
"Mm?" she looked up.
"No, I mean, I don't know…" He played with his hair. "I guess recently I've been thinking about how I don't think it matters what generation you're born into. Look at my parents. They actually lived through manic after manic, both world wars there they were revolting against everything - the government, their conservative pure-blood backgrounds. I was born long after all that started and finished and yet, for me now— for us, it's another type of fight but we still have to deal with all the same shit, maybe worse."
"Yeah, I know what you mean" she agreed, "It's the kind of overthinking that makes me miss my spirituality before I knew of the whole magic world."
"Oh, that's right" he liked talking to her. "I can't imagine what it is to switch realities from one day to another. Closest I've had was smoking something new with Sirius in London this past Summer. Quite the new world." He joked and she smiled but kept going.
"Yeah well, to be honest I don't think I've dealt with it myself enough actually. There's just not enough time to between understanding a new currency system and learning you'll probably live over a hundred years old."
"That's not common right? For muggles, I mean."
They started walking down the hill where the pit could be seen by now.
"It's more the exception" she cleared. "I'd say average is closer to eighty."
"But you were talking about spirituality. Finish your thought."
"Right hum, well I was in this old church— that kind of resembled to Hogwarts actually, with my grandmother in Brussels a few years back. Even though I think I've always rejected more or less most of the religious thing, I couldn't help but feeling for all those people that got together there lost, or in pain, guilt— looking for answers. It fascinates me how a single place can join so much pain and happiness, for so many generations.
"Kind of like a Quidditch stadium." He offered.
"Yeah, I guess so. It's like you were saying about your parents fights and ours. I mean think about it, isn't it crazy to think that probably even Hogwarts' founders have once felt lost and confused like us? Embarrassed, jealous, heartbroken…"
"Ah see, that's where you lose me. It's not possible you see, each of them as you know, has ever only felt one single emotion."
James felt energized with her and the conversation and life in general. He kept walking forward but always slightly turned to her, hands on his pockets whose coat kept opening as he still used them to gesticulate.
"Wha-" she started
"Godric only felt courageous," he offered cheekily.
"Ah," she giggled in understanding. "Yes yes, you're right"
"Salazar only ever felt, er… well, murderous"
She laughed. "Helga only felt curious." Lily contributed.
"Yes, exactly. And Rowena only ever felt…"
"Mhm, what did she feel?" she asked.
"Oh," James nudged Lily "Well, nothing of course. She doesn't feel, she only thinks."
"Ah yes, lucky girl." Lily's smile was stuck on her face.
"I know, right?"
"Wouldn't that be so much easier though? You could actually know a person, really know them by checking a couple of boxes. I mean look at my grandmother. She was married to this man, and I always thought she had a very simple, uncomplicated love life. But one day, she just confessed to me that she spent her life dreaming about another man she was always in love with. She just accepted her fate. I was so sad. But I also found it very beautiful that she had all those emotions I never thought she would have had."
James was pensive. "Hm. So what, you saying that if you just felt one emotion, that would mean less probability to what, desire beyond marriage?"
"No. No, no, what I meant is that it just amazed me that I'd spent most of my life around her and I didn't really know her."
They had arrived to where James would eventually have to enter and get ready for practice. They stood face to face now.
"Oh you knew her, you just never really know a person because let's face it, we don't even know ourselves."
Lily took the opportunity.
"Really? 'Cause I thought you knew me. I thought you've been watching me for years and years like a psycho stalker that collected strands of my hair and fingernails—"
"Alright alright Hitchcock, calm down," he stopped her, extremely enjoying her cheeky smiles. "I do know you, alright, I do. But that's the beauty of being human right, even if all generations have been the same? It's not about knowing or not knowing, it's about finding the people who keep fascinating you to want to know more and more."
She smiled to the ground, blushing a bit.
"Well hopefully you'll want to know my Patronus enough to help me find it out myself."
Ah yes, that had been the newest agreement of James Potter tutoring hours, to help Lily with the casting of her Patronus that she had yet to do it herself.
"Oh Evans," he said, leaning forward slightly to be closer to her, "when would I ever miss on the opportunity of bossing you around and make you do as I say? Trust me, if I'd only ever felt one single thing, would be the pleasure of getting on your nervous."
Her blush kept blushing, making her look even lovelier.
"Well I sure am glad you feel lots of things."
Their bodies were swaying with each other, looking like each was pulling the other.
James was looking at Lilly's face. "I do feel lots of things."
Before Lily could acknowledge the way she was appreciating James' smile and warm eyes, someone called.
"Oy captain!" Oliver Carter, 5th year Gryffindor Beater, called out from the pitch.
They both looked. Lily waking from a trance and James with a certain annoyance.
"Thanks Carter, be there in a sec!" he shouted and the boy nodded unconvinced. Then, turning to Lily: "I should go."
"Right, of course, sorry for that." She put her hair behind one ear.
"Do you wanna stay?" James asked, also playing with his hair. "They don't mind if you do. I think Natalie Holkham is staying— now that I think about it, probably why Carter has his panties in a knot."
Lily gave him a tight-lipped smile. "Natalie is Carter's girlfriend, she has a free pass."
"Well you have an invited by the Captain pass."
"You really love to throw that title around, huh?"
He shrugged smugly. "What d'you mean, miss Prefect?"
She threw her tongue out at him and he laughed.
"Will you stay then?" James asked and tried to smother the crashing elation that they'd gotten here, where he could invite her to stuff and she might actually say yes.
But she grimaced. "I'm sorry, I have a Prefect's meeting this evening, I should start heading there now actually."
"Oh that's right, Moony has it too." He knew. And he understood. But it still felt like a blow.
Lily felt it too and so, without thinking, she reached for his arm, being but a breath away from him. "I'll be there for the game though. Promise."
"Yeah?" he whispered, looking down at her.
"Yeah" she whispered back, nodding with a sweet smile.
And his energy rebooted, showed on his grin. "Good."
She chuckled, looked up at him once more with those green eyes of hers and then started walking away. When she wasn't looking, James punched the air with the widest grin.
"I can't believe you chose to be single right before Valentine's day Lily. What a disappointment, have I taught you nothing?"
Lily was lying in bed, waiting for the commotion of the room to settle before sleeping. She smiled at her friend. "How can you say that, I put sun screen everyday even though Merlin knows I could use a bit of colour. Including the neck! That's all you."
Marlene rolled her eyes as she flossed. unable to respond.
"Anyway, I'll be with Mary" Lily sang, excited. "We'll have fun, right?"
"Mhm." The girl grunted, pulling her bed covers.
"Thanks. Felt the love there."
"I'm sorry Lily, it's just… I don't know, I miss Luca already. I miss talking to him. He and I, we can just… talk, you know."
"What a turn on." Marlene joined the room in her silk pyjamas.
Lily warned her with a look.
"Noo, you don't understand," Mary grabbed a pillow in front of her in frustration. "We can just talk on and on, for hours. And it's never boring, or awkward, or-or dull. He just… I don't know, he listens. And he makes me laugh." She finished shyly.
On the other side of the room, Lily was elated for her smitten friend. But also, something else. Her stomach was twisting and she felt herself blush, reflecting on who kept crossing her mind as she heard Mary's reveries. Who made her feel that same way. The one person that kept ringing her mind throughout the day with thoughts of 'Can't forget to ask him this' or 'I wanna know what he thinks about this'.
"Maybe I should hop on the boys' room to have this conversation. I'm sure they all have much more interesting dates planned." Marlene said as she entered her own bed.
This woke Lily up.
"What do you mean?" she asked without thinking.
"What?" Marlene asked mid-lying.
"D-d'you think they all have dates?" she asked, looking down at her hands, embarrassed for some reason.
"I don't know, I guess. I know of at least a handful of girls who wanted to invite James out."
Why did that squeezed Lily's throat?
"Potter has been quite calm this year, hasn't he? At least I haven't heard of too many stories but then again, I'm not the school gossip in the room."
Lily was wide-eyed, looking at each of the girls in time.
"That's true." Marlene shared, cosying up. "Haven't heard much either. He told me once he was focusing on winning the House Cup so, I don't know. There's only one match left so maybe he'll loosen up after that."
Lily felt dizzy at this.
"Mhm." Was the other girl only response, as she clearly prepared for sleep. "Night ladies."
"Night." Marlene responded, blowing off her own light.
This left Lily with only Dorcas' light on as she was still taking a shower.
Oh Merlin.
Maybe she should go see Madam Pomfrey. Because, for some reason, suddenly she felt like throwing up.