Chapter 13 Phantom Feelings

While waiting for the chili to be done, I sat on the Toastarenan's couch. Frowning, I tried to get myself comfortable, which was a bit of a challenge due to being in a stranger's house. I leaned back. I adjusted my position. I rested my head against the cushions. I did everything short of rudely kicking my feet up onto the coffee table, hoping that I could somehow make my external conditions comfy enough so that I didn't have to focus on my internal ones.

A smell wafted into the room, pleasing the nose in the most intimate way. I could tell that a lot of interesting spices were being used in the chili, which made me cautiously optimistic. My stomach growled, an action that caught me off guard because I've never heard it growling like this before (at least, not while in the state of existence I'm in currently). I realized that I was also salivating, an action that completely stunned me. I reached my hand up to my mouth, frowning at how wet it was. Was this normal? Was it socially acceptable? It didn't really feel like it was…

"La cena esta casi lista!" The Toastarenan called out from the kitchen. I sat up; while I didn't know any Spanish whatsoever, I knew what he was saying thanks to an educated guess. I felt the strangest sensations come over me, ones that made me feel emotions like desire and nostalgia. I could probably say that my mind was filling with memories… but I couldn't in good conscience say that. It didn't sound true. It didn't sound right.

Suddenly, I heard the door in the entryway open. I blinked, looking in that direction as laughter echoed down the halls.

"Papa, estamos en casa!"

My heart skipped a beat. Wait, did this guy have kids? Oh my word, he had kids! My mind reeled, trying to determine exactly how I felt about this new development.

"Oh, muy bueno!" The father called out. "Tenemos un invitado esta noche. Habla ingles!"

Right at that moment, not one, not two, but three different people came into the room. The taller one, dressed in carnation pink with all sorts of patterns painted on their face, was clearly the mother. The two kids, one dressed in blue and the other in turquoise, studied me with what were possibly the most fascinated expressions in the history of the world.

"Oh, nice!" The kid dressed in turquoise (a boy, based on how they sounded) exclaimed. He came over to me with his mother and sister following behind him, shaking my hand while grinning from ear to ear. "It's nice to meet you! We don't get a lot of guests, and we especially don't get a lot of koopa guests!"

I nodded. "I see." I looked at each and every family member. They all looked so happy, a concept and emotion that (at least at the moment) seemed so… alien to me.

"My name is Pedro," the son said as he let go of my hand. He gestured toward the others. "This is my mom, Rosa, and this is my sister, Lupita. And you've met our father, Antonio."

I nodded, more so because I was just happy to know the name of the person who originally approached me than anything else. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too!" Rosa said, smiling in a way that made the paintings on her face seem that much prettier.

"What's your name?" Lupita asked, looking at me with the strongest sense of interest.

I seized up. "Um…" my mind raced, trying its darndest to try and answer the question that not even I fully knew the answer to. "M…my name… my name… my name is…" I searched around in my head, hoping that my brain would be able to fill in these gaps. I must've sat for two minutes, begging my clearly messed up mind to actually be useful for once and save me from embarrassment. Thankfully, it came through. A name came up that I was willing to call myself.

"I'm Morton."

It was strange. I've never heard this name be said to me before. But while saying it now, out loud to these people, something clicked. I knew that, somehow, someway, this name was mine. I couldn't say how; I supposed it was a hunch more than anything else. But it fit me, kind of like a perfectly sized winter coat. It felt right in just about every way under the sun. And thinking about it now, realizing that this name was somehow linked to my unknown past…

I actually felt better. Heck, I even managed to smile! For an instant (a tiny but no less amazing instant) I actually wasn't worried. I wasn't fearful, or drowning in despair and sorrow. I felt closer to an actual person than I have throughout this whole time wandering the desert. Sure, there was this sneaking suspicion that I really wasn't an actual person. But… well, that didn't make feeling that way any less nice.

Lupita smiled. "It's really nice to meet you, Morton."

I actually sniffled. "Morton…" I muttered under my breath. I got some weird looks from the others, but I didn't care. I just felt… incredible. If only there was a way to ensure that this feeling would last.

"Okay, everybody!" Antonio called out from the kitchen. "Chili has been prepared and is ready to be eaten!"

Lupita and Pedro's faces brightened up. They rushed toward the kitchen, leaving me and Rosa left to follow after them. When we got there, we dished our chili, which I in particular thought looked delectable. I licked my lips…

Before feeling another odd sensation come over me. It… it could only be described as a "phantom feeling." Similar to a phantom limb, I felt like something should be there, stirring deep inside me. But… but there was this void in my heart, one that was very different from the voids I had felt previously. It made me pause, standing over the chili pot while battling the worst type of hesitation ever. I started to sweat. My eyes grew wide.

"Are you okay Morton?" Rosa asked.

I bit my lip before deciding to nod. "I'm fine." I preceded to fill my bowl with the meal that a stranger had been so kind to invite me to eat. Once it was full, I took it to the dining room, deciding to wait for everyone else to join me before I turned into a ravenous beast and wolfed everything down. This decision, unfortunately, didn't stop me from salivating. Nor did it stop me from feeling as though something was very very very wrong.

Thankfully, I was given an ample reason to ignore that feeling when the rest of the family came to the table. "Okay!" Antonio exclaimed as he and everyone else took their seat. "Let's, as English speakers say, dig in!"

Without needing any other form of permission, I picked up my spoon and dipped it into my bowl. Upon taking the first bite, the phantom feeling returned. I felt… I should be more excited about this, shouldn't I? I mean sure, the food still tasted great to me. But somehow, I didn't feel like it was satisfying every desire I had. No, not had; SHOULD had. I frowned as I ate the rest of the chili, seriously feeling as though something was fundamentally wrong with the fabric of my existence.

"Hey, don't eat so fast Pedro!" Lupita said. Pedro lifted his messy face to look at his sister, who giggled uncontrollably. "You're not a caveman, mi hermano. Sure, you dress, act, and smell like one, but that doesn't mean you can't have table manners."

"Guadalupe!" Rosa exclaimed, flashing her a glare.

"No no, it's okay Mama," Pedro replied. He chortled while looking at his sister. "What mi hermana doesn't understand is that species are genetic. So, if I'm a stinky, ugly caveman, then she is a stinky, ugly cave WOMAN!" He laughed. "Of course, that's an insult to actual cave people."

Lupita gawked, as did Antonio and Rosa. The latter two immediately started yelling at their son in Spanish. I couldn't understand anything they said, but honestly, I wasn't focused on that. Instead, my mind focused on something else. It was another phantom feeling, as well as another incomplete memory. These family interactions, with bickering, smart-mouthed siblings and involved, loving parents… it all felt so familiar. Too familiar. I tried to place why this scene invoked such visceral reactions of pleasure from me, but the answer didn't came. A headache did though, one that decided to affecting my entire body as well as my head.

"Guys, we have a guest over!" Antonio exclaimed. He flashed me a look. "Morton, I am so very sorry." He gave both of his children sideways glances. "Apologize to him right now!"

Lupita and Pedro exchanged a look before hanging their heads. "Lo siento," said Lupita.

"Si, lo siento," Pedro said.

"It's fine," I said. I took another bite of chili, hoping the spice would distract me from my headache.

"I would certainly hope so," Antonio said. A smile grew on his face. "Especially seeing how we still have yet to get to dessert!"

Both Lupita and Pedro gasped. "We're having dessert tonight?" Pedro asked.

"Indeed we are!" Antonio gave them a stern look. "But that's only if you two are on your best behavior! Understand?" Both kids nodded, and the smile returned to his face. "Esplendido."

With that, we all continued eating. While the children were clearly excited about dessert, I couldn't really relate to them in this instance. All that filled my mind were the contradictions, fallacies, and phantom feelings tumbling about inside of me.

…

That night, unfortunately, turned out to be a miserable one. I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling as my headache from earlier refused to relent for even a second. I had tried not to puzzle over my past. I tried to enjoy myself while eating the incredible rice pudding Antonio and his family had offered me. I tried to ignore the horrible, dark feelings inside of me and try to be happy during this day.

All three tasks had been an impossibility. And now, as I laid in the guest bedroom of these complete (yet generous and welcoming) strangers, I was left with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me. It was while dealing with these that I fully realized that my existence was a PAINFUL one. Literally; I had a splitting headache trying to fit all of its pieces together. But above all else, I felt so bizarre. I didn't feel like an actual person. I didn't feeling like anything natural. I felt… like an abomination. Like some sort of bizarre experiment that a mad scientist had cooked up in their lad before setting loose on the world.

And with that comparison came another incomplete memory. I felt as though I knew someone like that, but every time I tried to picture their face, my mind went blank. Groaning, I put my hand to my head. What was going on with me? Why couldn't I get anything straight? Sure, I knew a lot of people struggled with their identity, but never to this extent!

"Morton?"

I looked to the bedroom door, where Antonio stood. My stomach churned, and I felt like melting into a crying fit. Antonio, with a furrowed brow, came further into the room.

"Are you okay?" He came up to my bed, stroking the blanket strewn over my body in a way that resembled petting. "Are you comfortable?"

I bit my lip. "I'm getting there."

Antonio let out a breath of relief. "That's good. I would hate for my guest to not feel safe in my house." He smiled. "If you have any concerns, whether it be constipation or agitation, just come and tell me! I will help you to the best of my ability!"

That actually made me perk up. "Oh!" I sat up in bed. "Well then, can you help me find out who I am?"

Antonio blinked. "Uh… what?"

My stomach churned again, but I continued speaking regardless. "Everything about me is just… confusing. I feel like I'm one thing, but there seem to be pieces of me missing. Important pieces too. Can you help me find out what they were?"

Antonio gave me a blank look. For a solid minute, he didn't say anything, and my stomach churned even more. All at once, I felt stupid, like I was asking the most impossible question to answer in the history of the world.

"Uh… I will see what I can do." He smiled and patted me again. "In the meantime, try to get some sleep Morton."

I sighed. "Alright." I settled back into bed. "Good night, Antonio."

"Buenos noches, Morton."

With that, he left, leaving me to try and sleep amidst all of this confusion.