Percy was barely even standing at this point.
His legs, loose and wobbly, didn't feel as though they could hold up his body much longer. As there was nothing along the wall for him to hold onto, he pressed his palm against it, where the paint had long started to chip away since being coated on all those years ago. Percy let out a shaky breath, eyes darting between his brothers, searching for any indication of how they were feeling. Their faces, wiped blank by his revolution, remained impassive.
Growing steadily unnerved by the lack of response, Percy wrung his hands. His mind was still reeling, dumbfounded that he'd caved so easily. He'd had control! He kept the truth close, not to be shared with anyone. For Merlin's sake, he hardly even told Wood a fraction of it and why were they not saying anything-
"Well?" Percy, his mouth dry as cotton, broke the thick painful silence. "Aren't you going to say anything?"
Aren't you going to react?
He was startled to find that Bill's eyes were rimmed with red, that stoic expression rapidly falling. As long as Percy could remember, his eldest brother was a sense of calm in the chaos of the Weasley family. He'd inherited that from their father, able to have a sensible head about him while the rest of them ran on their emotions. To see this , to see his adam's apple bobbing as it was, cut through Percy deeply.
He backed up, Percy did, hitting the wall with a thud . He couldn't deal with this. He wasn't equipped to deal with his own emotions, let alone anyone else's.
" Percy ..." His name came past Bill's lips breathlessly. His face reflected his inner pain, disbelief.
"You're serious?" Charlie choked out. "You...you tried to-" He was struggling to process it, to accept it. "You're-you're not just yanking our leg?"
Percy avoided meeting his brother's eyes, which were filled with desperation for him to affirm his suspicions. When he inevitably didn't, Charlie was blown away.
"I'm sorry."
His voice came out in a barely to be heard whisper, his gaze falling to the floor in shame.
"Why?" Charlie's mouth was ajar, his eyes swiftly flickering from Bill and back to Percy. "Why would you...what made you-"
"It was the twins, wasn't it?"
Percy's eyes widened slightly at how quickly Bill had been able to figure it out that they'd been a part of it. Did he...did he know? Did he know about that night? More importantly, if it was true, then how did he know about that to begin with?
As if his brother could sense his thoughts, he elaborated, regarding Percy like he was a ticking time bomb, "Oliver told us."
Wood told you ? The ground beneath Percy grew unsteady. Wood had lied. Wood told him in the letter that he hadn't said anything to them.
But he'd lied . He had told them something. Obviously they now knew this had something to do with the twins.
He'd promised
But he lied
And you're surprised? Of course he told them. Wood doesn't care about you and you're foolish to think otherwise
"He said something to you?" Percy was still trying to wrap his head around this.
"Is it true?" Charlie all but demanded. "Did they make you almost-" He gestured around with his hand, not wanting to utter the words.
That's just it, though, it wasn't just the twins. It was a complicated string of events that came together that night, nearly pushing him off the edge, so to speak.
But they wouldn't get it. They wouldn't understand. Percy barely understood it himself.
"It doesn't really matter, does it?" Percy said quietly, forcing himself to plaster on the smallest of smiles. "I'm here, aren't I?"
"That's not the bloody point !" Charlie cried out. "How could you...how could you almost do that to us?"
Shock. Hurt. Anger . Percy flinched at his tone.
"Don't," Bill cut in firmly. "You're not helping-"
But Charlie did not listen. " How could you ?" His chest heaved. "Did you even think about how this would affect us?"
Panic was quickly overtaking Percy, starting from his toes and up to his head. This was what he'd dreaded, what he'd feared. This was why he'd kept it to himself. They thought he was selfish.
Because he was. Wasn't he?
" Silencio !" Bill had brandished his wand, aiming straight at Charlie. His brother opened his mouth several times, seemingly taken aback and made gestures, particularly rude ones, for Bill to undo the spell. He was subsequently ignored.
It should have put some immense relief into Percy, now that he could not be further interrogated by his brother. But it did not. He'd slid down the wall, onto the floor, lost within the pandemonium of his own mind.
It took a second or two for Percy's spotty vision to realize Bill standing beside him. Large hands gripping his shoulders in a way that was not painful but not light either, voice soft yet firm, he instructed Percy to breathe. It wasn't all that easy. Percy tried. It kept getting caught in his throat. Uselessly, he flapped his hands around to convey this to Bill.
"Percy, I need you to calm down. Take a deep breath as best as you can. Do what I do." He went on to demonstrate.
But it wasn't helping.
I can't , Percy realized. A sharp sensation of lightness shot throughout his body, and he wondered if he'd be waking up on the floor soon enough. I can't. I can't do it .
"Keep trying, Perce," Bill was the one thing who could get through to him, through the haze that surrounded him. "Keep trying, okay?"
Slowly, he did. Percy mimicked him some more, relief settling into his bones when he finally caught his breath. He slumped a little after that, exhausted from the ordeal.
"Good," Bill's eyes betrayed that he, too, had been worried. "Now can you answer a question for me?"
"What kind of question?" Percy's voice came out kind of hoarse. He refused to look in Charlie's direction, couldn't, wouldn't be able to handle seeing the disappointment.
Bill didn't elaborate, not right away. "I just want you to answer it truthfully, alright?"
That didn't sound good. Percy's stomach twisted with knots.
What does he want to know? It's bad. It has to be bad
Of course it is. Think, think! You know what's going to ask about
Bill didn't know about his inner turmoil. He was oblivious to the thoughts running rampant in Percy's mind. And well, he certainly wasn't going to say anything about it. However, that didn't mean the wary expression on him went unnoticed. "Hey," Bill said soothingly, almost like the tone he used to use on them as children, "it's alright. I promise it is. We just want to know something."
Percy didn't doubt that. He wasn't daft. It was just the unknown that bothered him. The question of how far their curiosity would take them. "Right," he cleared his throat weakly. "Erm, what is it?"
Bill licked his lips, briefly glancing over his shoulder to look at Charlie. Percy wondered if he was going to actually say it or not. It was only succeeding in making him that much more nervous. If Bill was hesitant to ask, then it must be something awful.
"Did you really want to die?"
He should have known it was coming. Wood had asked him a similar question. So why was it that Percy was thrown for a loop, the weight of the question hitting him squarely in the chest?
He had to get off the floor.
Rising to his feet, Percy wished there was something useful for his hands to do, something able to distract himself with.
Whatever you do, don't answer him
You do and you'll be labeled mad
You do and it will spiral from there
"That's a bit personal don't you think?" Percy said so as to stall.
It was not well received. Both of his brothers gave him a look that clearly conveyed that neither of them appreciated it.
Percy shrunk a little, his gaze lowering.
"Why are you asking?"
"We just want to know," Bill said earnestly.
" Why ?" Percy said, staring at them in defeat. Maybe even with a twinge of resentment. "Why, so you can try to fix things? You can't fix this, Bill."
No one can fix this
"I can talk to them," Bill was tossing out suggestions without thinking them though. "Charlie and I both will. We can do something about this, Percy."
No you can't
No one can
You just don't get it
"If you think just talking about this is going to fix anything, you're more naive than Mum and Dad are."
A mess of bitterness and years worth of feelings that were continually swept under the rug came bubbling to the surface. Percy was done.
He didn't know what came over him. But in a flash, he was out of his room, ignoring the hushed whispers from Bill as he stormed down the stairs and out into the blustery outdoors. Snow was being tossed around everywhere, severely limiting his visibility. He was without a coat, without shoes even. It hadn't mattered in the moment, though. He'd just wanted to get away.
Behind him, rushing across the snow covered land, not even in a better state with their own clothing, his brothers tried to catch up to him.
" Percy !"
"What?" Percy whirled around so forcefully that had they not come to a halt, they would have all rammed into each other. 'I don't have anything else to say to you."
Snowflakes got stuck in his hair, his cheeks pinkening from the frigid temperatures, extremities beginning to prickle. He looked a mess, every bit of a mad person, standing there in his rumpled pajamas with a wild expression.
"You don't have to," Bill took a cautious step forward. "Let me talk."
Percy kept an eye on him, not saying anything else.
"I don't quite understand it...if you do want to die," Bill's voice gave a crack at the last word, but he coughed, composing himself. "I really don't. But I don't want you to. Neither does Charlie or Ron or Ginny or, yes, even the twins."
You don't know that
"We love you, Perce. You're our brother. And you've got to believe me. You've no idea what that would've done to us."
There was desperation to Bill's words. Percy heard it, they all did.
And he wanted to believe it himself.
He wanted to. He just couldn't bring himself to. Something held him back. Something powerful. It had a tremendous hold on him, a hold that Percy didn't know if he could ever break free from.
He doesn't mean it
Why would he care about you?
Where was he when all this was going on?
Where was he when hurtful after hurtful remark was said to you?
Where was he when you were excluded?
Where was he when you tried to talk to Mum or Dad numerous times about the twins or Ron or Ginny?
He was away. Happily working his job away from all this.
And now he wants to play big brother
"He's right," the silencing charm was finally taken off of Charlie. "You're important to us, Percy. You always have been. We would've done something if we knew-" Bill nodded vigorously at this. "We didn't think it was that bad. And now come to find out you want to die..." He trailed off.
"But I don't!" Percy's words sliced through the tense atmosphere. "I don't want to die. I didn't want to die."
His brothers were baffled.
"I don't understand," Charlie furrowed his eyebrows, looking to Bill for elaboration, but their older brother was just as confused. "If you didn't want to die, why would you..."
He squirmed under their scrutinizing gazes. It was like they were penetrating through him. "I..I didn't know what else to do."
"You didn't -" Charlie was starting to get worked up again. Bill shot him a warning look.
"What do you mean by that?" Bill asked him.
Percy blinked away several times, his eyes moistening against his will. He moved his head so they wouldn't see. "I just couldn't take it anymore."
Charlie moved toward him, presumably to yank him into a hug. Percy stepped back, keeping his eyes on the snow that was covering his feet. His toes were going numb by now, soon enough they'd be blue.
"And that was the answer?" This came from Bill.
"At the time, yes," Percy managed to keep his voice even.
I didn't know what else to do
There was nothing else to do
Nowhere to go
No one to turn to
"It doesn't have to be that way now," Charlie told him, looking into Percy's eyes.
"We're here for you," Bill added. "We want to be. If you'll let us."
The unspoken words were there, hanging in the air: please let us .
Should he? Should he let the walls of defense crumble and allow them in? Percy hadn't even wanted Wood involved, let alone his brothers. And undoubtedly, they would want their parents to be informed as soon as possible or someone else of authority, which Percy would wholeheartedly protest against.
But-
After all this time, someone other than Wood was listening . It was everything he'd been so desperately wanting all along.
"I...suppose."
It was good enough for them. Bill held out a hand, gesturing for Percy to follow. "Come on, let's get you inside."
The three Weasley boys silently ventured back into the Burrow, with Percy anticipating on the conversation to come.