One Piece: Strawhat Theater

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

A little interlude. Next chapter will be the next part of Dressrosa.

At a SWORD outpost...

Coby hummed as he examined some recon photos of Punk Hazard in the empty conference room. Vice Admiral Smoker had arrived with his crew and several rescued children, and SWORD was working on assessing the intel. It had taken all day to get through just the first half of the reports.

And half of that was just tossing out the G-5 Marine's reports on how beautiful the women on the island were!

Not that I disagree, Coby thought, but seriously? Also, did they actually follow Luffy's cook as their leader?

No wonder Admiral Smoker had come here. SWORD did help those Marines who had to ally with pirates or other enemy forces to accomplish a greater good, without the World Government getting involved.

Still, I hope I can get this finished soon, Coby thought, I really want to see-

The door to the office was flung open. Coby looked up in shock as a red faced woman in glasses entered.

"C-Captain Tashigi-!"

"It's not fair, Cobbyyy!" Tashigi whined, going around the table to hug him tightly. His face turned bright red from contact with her chest. He managed to regain his focus though, reached up, took her wrists, and gently pushed her back. He guided her to a chair right next to his.

"Ah, Tashigi, please, it's okay... What's wrong?" Coby asked, looking her right in the eyes. Since Luffy's wedding and his training with her in Haki, the two had become good friends.

Good friends didn't stare at each other's cleavage when they were drunk or crying.

Tashigi sniffled and shook her head. The scent of alcohol drifted from her, mixed with her womanly scent and the sea-

STOP THAT! Coby commanded his own body.

"Ohh... I don't even know why I'm mad!" Tashigi groaned. "He humiliated me and-and took those swords-and saved Alabasta-And those kids-And me-!"

"Slow down, Tashigi, slow down," Coby said, squeezing her hands with a comforting smile, "Who are you talking about?"

Tashigi sniffled.

"That bastard Pirate Hunter Zoro!" She sobbed. "He got married!"

"Ah, yeah, I-I saw that," Coby admitted. Not only had Ghost Princess Perona revealed it on Buggy's Show, Warlord Mihawk had apparently filed the paperwork himself. It had recently been added to Zoro's Wanted Posters.

"It's stupid!" Tashigi growled. "Why does my heart feel like it's broken?! I-I didn't even like him!"

"I like him," Coby said. At Tashigi's look, he clarified: "I mean he's my friend! This is a big surprise to me, too! You can't really help how you feel. It's all right to be upset..."

Tashigi sniffled.

"When our blades crossed... It was... It was like there was... Was a connection!" Tashigi murmured, "Like you know someone when you fight them! As much as I wanted to bring him to justice... He... It was a fit...!"

She sniffled again. Coby rubbed her shoulders. And only her shoulders.

"Maybe I just imagined it... I know it wouldn't have worked out," Tashigi mumbled miserably. "I feel like some old hag!"

"You're not! You're not!" Coby insisted. He pointed to the mess of reports on the table. "All the Marines under your command think you're amazing! And beautiful!"

"But I don't care about their opinion!" Tashigi insisted. "There's only two men whose opinion on how I look who... Who I care about! He... He never said anything but you...?"

She leaned in close, her nose bumping against Coby's. He gulped.

"Coby... You think I'm pretty... D-Don't you?"

"Ah, um, uh..." Coby worked his jaw. It had been two years since the wedding and all that embarrassment... So he wasn't going to faint...

Be honest and brave, like Luffy, Coby thought to himself, Like Vice-Admiral Garp!

"I do," Coby said with a nod, "I think you're very pretty. And strong. And amazing, but-MMPH!"

Coby had been about to state that any further conversation along these lines could end badly, but Tashigi interrupted him by pushing her lips against his.

Koby's eyes crossed. The heat and wetness went right through him!

She broke the kiss, panting hard.

"I-I think you're pretty amazing too, Coby," Tashigi said earnestly, "I-I mean that. Not just because I'm drunk... I-I wanna show you...!"

"This-This isn't a good idea-!" Coby tried, but Tashigi jumped him and sent his chair crashing to the floor. "UWAH!"

"Mmmm~! Why should only pirates get married, huh?!" Tashigi demanded, unbuttoning her shirt and shoving her chest into his face "I wanna get married too! Do married people things-! With you!"

"MMPH?! HMMPH?!"

Helmeppo burst into the room.

"COBY! I heard your cry, are you...?"

Helmeppo stared as Coby waved his hands frantically for help underneath a drunken, half-naked Tashigi. He threw his hands up, his kukri clattering loudly onto the floor to punctuate his exasperation.

"OH COME ON MAN!"

The next morning, Coby was back at work in the conference room, eyes on his paperwork. He wasn't quite all there though, as his mind kept drifting off.

There was a knock at the door. Coby reached out with his Haki... Blanched... Then cleared his throat.

"Come-Come in!"

Tashigi entered, sober, and solemn. She closed the door behind her. She walked to the other side of the table, keeping it between them. Coby couldn't really blame her, he guessed.

"Ah... Captain Coby," she began, "I wish to apologize for my behavior. It was completely unprofessional, and-and I'm entering a reprimand in my official record."

Coby started.

"Ah?! What-?!"

"It was my fault for letting my emotions get out of hand, and I really must ask your forgiveness-"

"Woah woah woah!"

Coby rose up, and reached across the table. He took Tashigi's hands in his. She flushed. He did too, but he kept his eyes on hers.

"Tashigi-senpai... It's all right," Coby said earnestly. "Come on. Talk to me."

She hesitated.

"I... You're not upset?"

"I mean, I'm embarrassed," Coby admitted, "But it could have been worse. Helmeppo kept it quiet... We said you were affected by some of Cesar Clown's gases... It's all okay!"

He smiled at her.

"It's all a lie though," Tashigi said, pulling her hands away. Coby blinked.

"I mean... It's to save your reputation," Coby said, "You were angry, upset, and drunk. I know you, Tashigi-senpai. This won't happen again! I-I mean..."

Coby laughed awkwardly.

"It's not like you really have feelings of... Of that nature for me... Right?"

Tashigi was painfully silent. Coby looked her in the eyes. Her wide eyes made her resemble a tiny Sea King about to be bowled over by a Marine Battleship.

"... R-Right?" He tried again.

Tashigi shifted her arms, holding them under her breasts.

"... Is it so strange to think I... I might find you attractive?" Tashigi asked softly. Coby gulped.

"I-I mean... Er... Well..."

"I'll admit," Tashigi said, "I... Nursed a crush on Roronoa for a while. Then the wedding happened. I saw how fearless you could be. Then, after the war, I trained you and Helmeppo in Haki and..."

Her cheeks colored.

"You were... Kind. Hard working. Intelligent. And very brave..." She shook her head, and took some steps around the table. She now stood at the head, her eyes still locked on him. She held up her hands, waving them in a frantic rush.

"N-Not that I would use you as some sort of-of substitute! You deserve better than that! A-Assuming we even, you know... Tried anything."

Coby pinched himself. Okay. Yes. This was real. It was not an illusion.

Tashigi stared intently at him.

"Do you... Not find me attractive?"

"What?! No! I-I mean, yes!" Coby said quickly, "I absolutely do! I meant every word I said, really! I-I just, uh... We're both in the Marines and under different commands and uh... I-I guess I never thought that anyone could find me... Attractive... Like that."

Tashigi walked around the table, only stopping when one chair separated them. She cleared her throat.

"The... Logistics of our careers would make it difficult, I agree," Tashigi said, "I do like working under Vice-Admiral Smoker. N-Not that we're involved or-or anything!"

"I-I know," Coby said quickly, "He would never do that."

"It would be hard to find time to see each other," Tashigi said. Her eyes were locked onto his, and she began to move the chair between them aside. She took a step right up to him, close enough he could feel her body heat.

He slowly nodded.

"Y-Yes... It would..."

"On the other hand," Tashigi said softly, "SWORD and G-5 will probably work together more often, given we're both tracking things in the New World. The Strawhats will ensure we cross paths a great deal."

Coby felt his mouth go dry. He tugged on his collar-when had it gotten so hot in this room?

"I... I suppose so."

"There are no rules against fraternization as long as we're both consenting and there's no coercion going on," Tashigi whispered softly.

Coby licked his lips, and gulped.

"Th... Yes... Regulation 43 dash E, section 14-"

"Paragraph 47," Tashigi finished. She was bright red as she reached out and took his hands. He held them in his own. She licked her own lips.

"So... If we were both interested," Coby began.

"We are," Tashigi confirmed.

"Just to... See if it would work out," Coby went on.

Tashigi nodded.

"Yes...?"

Coby opened his mouth to continue... When the door slammed open.

"COBYYYYY!"

Hibari tackled Coby, wrapping her arms around his waist and driving him to the floor.

"GAAHHH!"

"NO! I-I can't-I won't let her take you from me!" Hibari cried, cheeks bright red. "N-No offense, Captain Tashigi, but-but-but I want to confess my feelings to Captain Coby!"

"Oh my!" Tashigi gasped, hand over her mouth. "Y-You mean... You too?!"

Hibari's entire face burned bright red.

"W-Well, I-I mean, it's not wrong under the regulations-!"

"43 Dash E, Section 14, Paragraph 47," Rear Admiral Kujaku stated, stepping into the room and closing the door behind her. Tashigi and Hibari stood up at attention, shortly followed by Coby. The Admiral shook her head and frowned.

"Well... I see there is a slight domestic dispute going on here," Kujaku tutted.

"Ah, we-we were working on resolving that, ma'am!" Coby said quickly. Kujaku shook her head.

"Seems to me you have two girls interested in a relationship with you, and you have a decision to make!"

Coby coughed. He looked between both women: The kind, older, intelligent Tashigi who had mentored him... And the younger, energetic, skilled Hibari who believed in him. He broke out in a cold sweat and cleared his throat.

"Ah, um... Y-Yes ma'am," Coby said, "I assure you, we will resolve it in a professional manner that will not affect our duties!"

"Yes ma'am!" Tashigi and Hibari echoed, though they were both blushing severely.

Kujaku shook her head.

"Have you ever been on a date before, Captain Coby?"

"Er, well... No?" Coby admitted.

"Either of you?" Kujaku asked. Tashigi flushed, and shook her head. Hibari tapped her fingers together, before she also signaled a negative. Kujaku huffed.

"What are the Marines coming to these days! Very well. I will help you resolve this myself! That's what a superior officer is supposed to do!"

"Ma'am!" Coby, Tashigi, and Hibari stated.

"Which means..." Kujaku lashed out with her whip Beethoven, wrapped it around Coby, and yanked him over the table into her arms.

"ACK! A-Admiral-?!"

"I'll be taking him on a date myself!" Kujaku grinned, "Just to show him the ropes! Or maybe... He'll show me the ropes, hm? LATER!"

She jumped out the nearby window. Tashigi and Hibari's jaws dropped to the floor... Before they unsheathed and brandished their weapons.

"GET BACK HERE!" They roared, jumping after Kujaku and her hostage.

"Uh... Admiral?"

Smoker looked over at the petty officer addressing him.

"Yes Marine?"

The Marine pointed at the nearby beach. Vice Admiral Kujaku had a tied up Captain Coby at her side, as she engaged in furious battle with Captain Tashigi and Commander Hibari.

"Should... We do something about that?" He asked.

"A 43 Dash E, Section 14, Paragraph 47 situation?"

"Yes sir," the Marine said.

Smoker took a very long drag off his ever-present cigars, breathed it out as a sigh, and then shook his head.

"Just put in leave for all of them... And let's mind our own damn business."

"Aye sir!"

Helmeppo, watching the fireworks from a safe distance. He clapped his hands together and bowed his head.

"Good luck, Coby, you lucky bastard. I will pray for your departed soul..."