The Misadventures of Batman and Robin
The Riddler's Ruse
Batman brooded in his cave darkly. He sat at the Bat-Computer, a vast array of screens and monitors. One showed a map of Gotham, where the locations of active crimes would appear. The one directly to the right of that displayed a database of inmates at Arkham Asylum, the institution that Gotham's most twisted minds called home, including the likes of Victor Zsasz, Killer Croc, and Joel Schumacher. The other screens were mostly just eBay shopping baskets and leftovers from late-night Wikipedia deep dives.
To Batman's side sat his trust sidekick, Robin, the Boy Wonder. Decked in inappropriately tight, green trunks, and a red vest with an embroidered 'R' symbol, the boy sat eagerly at his adopted father's side.
"What are we looking for, Batman?" Robin asked excitedly, anticipating what marvelous adventure they might be headed on tonight.
"We're waiting for a crime to happen, Robin," Batman growled in a low, husky voice. "Of course, Gotham is a city riddled with crime. It's infested, overrun, and swarmed by the lowest of the low. No crime is too heinous, and no action is too unruly. The people of this city need people like-"
One of the monitors made a loud beep, which was immediately followed by the ringing of the Bat-Phone. Robin jumped from his seat gleefully while the dark, brooding Batman stood to his feet, his long cape flowing behind him. He picked up the phone and growled, "Commissioner?"
"Batman!" Commissioner Gordon greeted. "The Gotham Reserve Bank has been struck again! They outwitted us, too - not only by leaving no fingerprints, but also through this indecipherable letter!"
"It could only be one man: the Riddler!" Batman affirmed darkly. "We'll be there in an instant, Commissioner. Keep that letter close by!"
Slamming the Bat-Phone into the Bat-Receiver, Batman turned to his sidekick, whose eyes glowed with determination. "The Riddler strikes again!" he pounded his fist into his palm. "We'd better make a move fast! Who knows what kind of cryptic clue his letter contains?"
"Exactly," Batman snarled as the two marched across the Batcave. Pulling a lever, the floor in front of them opened up and a podium came through, holding the Batmobile. The two vigilantes climbed inside; Batman in the driver's seat, and Robin in the front passenger seat. The car roared into ignition, and as they flew out the cave and raced towards Gotham, Batman entered another brooding monologue. "The Riddler is one of our most twisted foes, Robin. He gets his sick kicks from brewing indistinguishable, near-impossible riddles, that often provide a clue to his next target when solved. He's a trickster, a conman, and hellish smart. We must keep our-"
Slamming the breaks, the Batmobile screeched to a halt; they had reached a stop sign. The coast, however, was clear, so Batman shifted back into first and continued on his way.
"What was that for?!" Robin whined, nursing where the seatbelt had snagged his shoulder.
"We are not above the law, Robin," Batman advised. "Even superheroes must stop at stop signs. Though the seatbelt may have hurt, it prevented what could have been an even graver injury!"
"Right!" Robin facepalmed. "Of course! I must remember this when I'm old enough to get my driving license!"
"You have plenty of time to learn, Robin - years, in fact!" Batman cruised through the bustling streets of Gotham, parking outside the Gotham Reserve Bank. "Enough chitter-chatter! Commissioner Gordon is waiting inside for us!"
The two heroes hopped out of the Batmobile's open roof. Coated in plates of bulletproof armour, Batman ran effortlessly into the bank, followed by Robin, whose shorts were really starting to chafe his balls.
In the bank's vault, they were met by the trenchcoat-sporting, bowler-hat-wearing Commissioner Gordon. His thick moustache bristled at the sight of Batman and Robin, as if it had a life of its own. "At last, the Dynamic Duo!" he exclaimed, presenting them with the letter in its envelope. "This is the cryptic message we found; the only piece of evidence left behind!"
"It seems Riddler is growing stealthier with each defeat," Batman brooded. "Not only that, but his mind works in more demented ways. His riddles become further nonsensical, increasingly indistinguishable. He's-"
"What's in the letter, Batman?" Roblin exclaimed excitedly.
"Yes, Robin!" Batman barked. He prized the letter from out of the envelope, unfolding it before clearing his throat and reading aloud. "Come the time of the zero hour, there will be no snacks for you to devour!"
"That cryptid cu-!"
"Boy!" Robin exclaimed. "'The time of the zero hour'... that can only mean midnight!"
"Correct, Robin!" Batman growled. "What of the second line?"
"'There will be no snacks for you to devour'... what snacks do you devour at midnight? A midnight snack!"
"What on Earth could that mean? A midnight snack?!" Commissioner Gordon sighed exasperatedly.
"Isn't it obvious, Commissioner?" brooded Batman broodingly.
"There's gotta be a clue..." Robin rubbed his chin. His face lit up, the answer apparent. "A-ha! What do you have for a midnight snack? A cup of yoghurt! Riddler must be plotting to strike the Gotham Yoghurt Factory at midnight!"
"Which means we have exactly twelve minutes to get there before he unleashes whatever heinous crime he has planned next!" Batman snarled. "There's no time to waste! Robin, to the Batmobile!"
As quickly as the two heroes entered, they exited, not hesitating to stop to hold the door open for people along the way. Manners, after all, always come first - at least, that's what Batman had taught Robin.
Jumping into the Batmobile, Batman floored it, although he remained cautious of the speed limit; the Gotham Yoghurt Factory was situated on the other side of the city, so now was no time to be pulled over for a speeding ticket! As the clock on the Batmobile's display hit 23:58, they skidded to a halt outside the factory's entrance.
"There's only two minutes on the clock!" Robin panicked. "The Riddler could be here at any moment!"
"Into the factory, Robin!" Batman ordered. "There's no telling when that twisted tactician could appear!"
The Dynamic Duo burst in through the factory doors, where they stumbled upon a shocking sight; three of the factory's worked sat bound and gagged, tied together in an elaborate knot.
"A constrictor knot!" Robin yelped and pointed. "Boy, that quizzical quack has really outsmarted us this time!"
"Don't panic, Robin!" Batman growled. "This is exactly why I put you through that Intensive Knot-Tying-and-Untying course! Remember your training!"
"Gosh, you're right!" Robin smacked his palm against his forehead. "Don't stress, factory workers! You'll be untied in just a few moments!"
While Robin's green-gloved hands worked eagerly, Batman patrolled the area, looking for any sign of the Riddler. The time was well past midnight, yet that green goon was nowhere to be found! Returning to his sidekick, whose skinny fingers weaved at lightning speeds, Batman found that the factory workers were soon untied.
"Good job, Robin!" Batman snarled in his gravelly voice. "We need to ungag these factory workers and interrogate them on the Riddler's whereabouts!"
Untying their hands and removing the cloth gags from their mouths, Batman grabbed a worker by the scruff of his collar and lifted him into the air. "Where is the Riddler?" he growled almost incoherently. "Where is he?! Where is he?! He said he would be here come midnight! Where is he?!"
"All too easy, Bats!" a voice echoed out from behind them. Its snivelly, snide, nasally tone was instantly recognisable; turning around, the Dynamic Duo spotted the green-clad Riddler on a walkway above them. He brandished a cane with a question-mark emblem on its top. He wore a green suit with question marks all over it. His green bowler hat, too, darned a question mark. Even the tips of his steel-capped boots had question marks fitted onto them. It might not be immediately obvious what Riddler's deal was just by looking at him, but the gist of it was that he liked to ask riddles.
"Riddler!" Robin exclaimed before the two other factory worked each grabbed him by an arm, before knocking him out with a sleeping gas sprayed from a cannister. Before Batman could react, he too was hit by this comatose concoction.
"Time to sleep, Batman!" Riddler taunted, spinning his cane in a circle around his finger. "By the time you wake, you and the Boy Wonder will be in a trap too sticky to escape!"
Batman eventually succumbed to the effects of the gas, slumping into the arms of the goon he once held.
When he awoke, he found himself bound in constraints, trapping his arms and legs against a table of some kind. Turning his neck, which was a ridiculously monumental effort due to the weird limitations of his cowl, he could just about spy Robin lying next to him; it seemed that the gas was wearing off on him, too, and he now found himself in the same predicament.
"At last, the Dynamic Duo have been fooled!" the Riddler teased from above of them. "My trusty soldiers may have overpowered you, but I am the one who outsmarted you both! I knew that you wouldn't be able to resist coming here and helping those poor, unassuming factory workers!"
"The factory workers were Riddler's men all along!" Robin gasped. "How could we be so stupid, Batman?"
"I don't know, Robin," Batman growled. "Normally, Riddler's men glow green. They must have a new method of identifying themselves!"
Robin shot Batman a puzzled look. Although he was grateful to Bruce for taking him in as a young child and entering him into the life-threatening world of crime-fighting, he sure as hell said the weirdest things once he put on the cowl. Saying that, he was lying on some kind of table in tight green speedos, unable to move. Maybe he should have assumed that befriending a man who goes out at night dressed as a bat would lead him into these kinds of strange, comical situations.
"What sick, twisted scheme have you brewed in your pot of evil this time, Riddler?" Batman rasped. "What kind of awful, painful death are you planning on -" Cough. "Pl-planning on-" Cough, cough. Some phlegm came up in Bruce's throat, but he managed to swallow it down. "What kind of awful d-" Cough, gag. While Batman's voice was cool and intimidating, it sure as hell fucked up Bruce's throat.
"I'll put you out of your misery," Riddler raised an eyebrow before getting back in the moment. "Right now, you are both pinned to tables positioned in one of the Gotham Yoghurt Factory's deep wells! As soon as I pull this lever, the valves in the well will open, filling it with a combination of yoghurt flavours! The yoghurt will rise and drown you, subjecting you to a delicious, strawberry-flavoured death!"
"Oh, boy! Strawberry!" Robin exclaimed.
"Not now, Robin," Batman caught his breath. "This may be one of Riddler's most gruesome plots yet. To subject us to drowning, one of the most painful methods of execution, whilst simultaneously drowning us with delicious, strawberry-flavoured yoghurt, is a form of death both tasty and terrible. We have to think of a way to escape, fast!"
"Oh, there's no way out, Batman!" Riddler cackled, jumping on the spot and waving his cane. "Now, I will pull this lever! I will watch the Dynamic Duo, Gotham's saviours, succumb to yoghurt! Bye bye, buffoons!"
Yanking the lever, the valves in the well burst open and thick streams of pink-red yoghurt began to flow out, splashing against the bottom of the well and slowly rising.
"What should we do, Batman? Eat our way out?" Robin speculated.
"As hungry as I am, there's only so much room in our stomachs, Robin," Batman rejected. With that, all hope seemed lost, until Batman suddenly remembered the weird blades he had fitted onto the back of his gauntlets. He wasn't really sure what they did or why he put them there, but they would sure as hell come in handy in this situation. "Got it! Hold tight, Robin."
Twisting his arm, Batman started rubbing it into the metal traps. He hoped that the blades on his armour might be sharp enough to cut him loose, allowing him to rip the remaining constraints off of himself and his sidekick. After some vigorous cutting and hearing the sound of wet yoghurt growing closer and closer, the blades on Batman's gauntlets finally sliced through the metal constraints. Sitting up, Batman used his otherworldly, yet still humanly possible, level of strength to rip the constraints that trapped his legs.
"What?!" Riddler gasped, his jaw dropping. "How could it be? How do you escape every time?!"
"Because we are the good guys, Riddler!" Robin exclaimed while Batman leaped over and tore off his sidekick's constraints.
"Yeah, Riddler," Batman nodded in agreement. "And you're the bad guy!"
"Curse you!" Riddler waved his cane in frustration. "This calls for desperate measures! Time for plan B!"
Pressing a button on the same operating panel as the lever, there was a low rumble that shook the factory, which preceded a loud bang. Explosions rang out from below them whilst Riddler cackled maniacally.
"What have you done, Riddler?" Robin shouted.
"You pathetic psychopath!" Batman roared. "What have you done? Tell me! Tell me!"
"Oh, Batman! You didn't think I would stop at drowning you in a sea of yoghurt, did you?" Riddler giggled. "No, after you and Robin met a sticky demise, I would have unleashed this mass of yoghurt upon the whole of Gotham City! But I suppose you thorns in my side don't have to be dead for me to do that! Sometimes I'm so smart, I even outsmart myself!"
"You're sick, Riddler!" Robin pointed accusingly. "You may have got the last laugh this time, but there's no escaping us! We're taking you in!"
Waving a grappling rope like a lasso over his head, Robin chucked it towards Riddler. The rope fastened around the conniving cretin's waist, allowing Robin to pull him over the barrier separating the control desk from the well. Wailing as he fell, the Riddler found his descent stopped as the rope reached its end. Robin tied his end to the table, using the same constrictor knot Riddler had used in the set-up earlier.
"You fiends! I had the last laugh, remember that! It will take forever for you to clean all that yoghurt off the streets!" Riddler babbled while he dangled.
"Maybe, Riddler," Batman growled. "But no matter what challenge comes our way, we will rise to protect this city. Whether it be a sea of yoghurt, a nuclear bomb, or some guy who just wants to send a message, we have a duty to Gotham to protect it for eternity!"
"For eternity!" Robin repeated proudly before pondering. Was he really about to commit to a career of crime-fighting? Honestly, he thought the circus gig might last a little longer. Whatever, he guessed. Before long, he and Batman were out of the factory and into the yoghurt-flooded streets of Gotham.
"Holy Häagen-Dazs, Batman!" Robin exclaimed. "How are we gonna scoop up this mess?"
"Don't worry, Robin. I have prepared for this eventuality!" Batman typed into the little keyboard fitted into his gauntlet, selecting the contact 'Alfred' and pressing the call button. Through its tinny speakers, Batman heard Alfred answer.
"It seems the Riddler has caused quite a ruckus!" Alfred, Bruce's loyal butler and eternal slave, greeted. "What do you have planned for this? Shall I break out the Bat-Spoon?"
"Not this time, Alfred!" Batman contradicted. "Get the Bat-Vacuum out of the workshop. Fit it onto the Bat-Wing and send it to these co-ordinates!"
"Right you are, Master Wayne!" Alfred toodle-pipped. From the Batcave, Alfred fitting a large, vacuum-like device on the bottom of the Bat-Wing, before programming its autopilot to fly itself towards Batman and Robin's location.
Moments later, the jet-black Bat-Wing soared through the skies, stopping outside the Gotham Yoghurt Factory and hovering a few feet above the ground. Batman and Robin climbed aboard and activated the Bat-Wing's add-on system. Batman piloted the Wing around Gotham, while Robin controlled the Bat-Vacuum, using it to its fullest potential by sucking the pools of yoghurt up off of the streets.
"Look at that, Batman!" Robin exclaimed. "Within just a few cycles of the city, almost all of the yoghurt is gone!"
"Most of the damage has been dealt with. The majority of the spilled yoghurt is either in the Bat-Vacuum, or sinking into the sewer systems. A shame Killer Croc isn't a free man, or he'd be in for a treat!"
"What now, Batman?" Robin asked. "We've done all we can! Riddler is being detained by the police back at the yoghurt factory!"
"We're not done with Riddler yet, Robin," Batman warned.
"What do you mean?" Robin asked before his eyes widened in realisation, a wicked grin spreading across his face. "Oh, of course! To Arkham!"
The Bat-Wing screeched across Gotham's skyline, flying over the city and towards Arkham Asylum, where they parked the plane on a helipad. Arriving at the front doors of the asylum, they were met by Commissioner Gordon and other members of the GCPD escorting the Riddler, as well as a swathe of reporters and paparazzi.
"Batman, Robin! There you both are!" Gordon greeted. "I suppose you'll want to...?"
"Yes, Commissioner!" Batman affirmed before the police handed over the Riddler, contained in handcuffs. The Riddler sighed, taking a deep breath before the dynamic duo laid it into him. They absolutely leathered him, kicking him into the ground, beating him to a bloody pulp. They dirtied his suit, scratched it, ripped it, stained it, all in their uncontainable, heroic fury. Eventually, they got tired out, and let the police escort Riddler into a cell in the asylum.
"That'll show him!" Batman caught his breath. "Remember, Robin, the best way to deal with a criminal is to beat the shit out of him, no matter the crime!"
"I'll remember, Batman! Justice rightfully served, once again!" Robin exclaimed. The two posed for a picture for the pestering paparazzi before swooshing their cloaks and disappearing into the Bat-Wing.
It had been a long night in cold, uncaring Gotham. Terrible atrocities had been committed, but at the end of the day Batman and Robin still saved the day from a relatively unthreatening disaster. The Riddler also lay in a cell with broken ribs and could no longer move his face, which was good. Gotham was saved, until the next time some batshit villain tried something.
A/N: Just so people don't get the wrong idea, I love Batman, his world, and the characters that inhabit it. This is just something written for my own amusement that exaggerates and pokes fun at aspects from multiple adaptations across Batman media, so don't take this as an insult or an attack.