The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has run off somewhere. Just something that came into my tiny brain that happened right before Season 14 started.
The Geek Whisperer
"All right," Lana sat at her new desk. Her hair was in a bun and she was wearing a conservative black and white business suit. "In a few weeks we will finally be ready to re-re-reopen our agency!"
"Forgive me for channeling Ms. Archer," Cheryl remarked. "But after fourteen years you finally found a dress that wasn't completely inappropriate."
"Awww," Lana remarked. "That was exactly what she would say."
"I know," Cheryl said. "I could hear it in my head. Wait, do you think she brainwashed me with that sticker?"
"If it was anyone but Mallory, I'd say no," Lana sighed. "On the other hand, as she would say…That would imply you had a brain to begin with. Oh my God, I'm doing it too."
"It's like she's always there isn't she?" Cheryl half whispered.
"She always will be," Lana half whispered back.
"She will…" Cheryl whispered in awe.
The other members of The Agency were watching. "Uh…" Archer began. "What are we doing?"
"Okay first of all," Lana remarked. "We need to come up with a new name for The Agency."
"I would have thought you picked a name for your spy agency the first day you started being a spy," Pam remarked.
"I've had a few ideas over the years," Lana told her. "It's between Spy Tech, Stormfront, International Spy Agency…"
"That last one is a little too close to IIA," Ray added.
"Yeah, that's why I am crossing it out now," Lana did so. "I'm working on it."
"So, we're still The Agency," Ray remarked.
"I said I was working on it!" Lana snapped. "That and getting more people to work here."
"How are you going to afford that?" Ray asked.
"Turns out there was a generous reward for some of our last bounties after all," Lana said. "As well as the money Fabian gave us. Plus, there was a secret fund that somehow Mallory forgot about."
"How is that possible?" Pam asked. "Wait? Absinthe induced blackout?"
"Pretty much," Lana nodded. "Krieger told me about it."
"How come you never told us about that?" Ray snapped at Krieger.
"Because I also had an absinthe induced blackout," Krieger explained. "It all started about fourteen years ago…"
Pam spoke up. "Does this story end with you recently getting some kind of electrical shock due to an experiment with your frontal lobes and the shock made you remember the secret fund?"
"Uhhh…" Krieger paused.
FLASHBACK TO TWO DAYS AGO!
Krieger was wearing only a strange pair of orange underpants thing hooked up to some kind of electrical machine. "If this works…The science of genital enhancement will progress by leaps and bounds." He pushed a button.
ZAAAAAAAAPPP!
"YEOOWWWWWWW OWWW OWWW! OWWWW" Krieger screamed in agony.
ZZZZZZZZZZZAPPPP!
"YEOWWWWWWWWWW!"
He managed to shut off the device and fell to the ground. "OW! Hello floor…My old friend."
Krieger lay on the floor. "That was not a good idea…Although I now remember things. Like my sixth birthday! And getting my Doberman puppies from my father! Which in hindsight…Not a good idea."
FLASHFORWARD!
Krieger replied. "Yes."
"The real reason I gathered you all here is that we have a new mission," Lana spoke up. "Before our official first mission."
"Official first mission?" Ray asked.
"Technically we're not a hundred percent legitimate yet," Lana admitted. "Just a few minor papers I just mailed. But we don't need to be legitimized to do some bounty hunting. Unless we get caught by the cops. Then that could be a problem."
"In other words," Ray paused. "A similar kind of mission that Mallory would have us do, only you have the courtesy to admit it."
"Yes," Lana nodded. "So please…And I can't stress this enough, don't get caught by the police. Or the feds."
"I can see how that would be awkward," Pam nodded. "Again, at least Lana is willing to admit that we might be breaking the law with this."
"Not that we won't do it anyway," Archer spoke up. "But the honesty is a refreshing change of pace."
"If we can pull this off," Lana said. "This bounty will get our new agency started in the black! And a good rating on GSN!"
"That's still around?" Archer asked.
"Yes, a website that rates spy agencies is still around," Lana sighed.
"That's why you're thinking of changing our name isn't it?" Cheryl realized. "As a cover so everybody who remembers The Agency won't think it's us?"
"Exactly," Lana nodded.
"You really are on the ball," Cheryl grinned. "I'm impressed."
"So who's the target?" Pam asked.
Lana turned on the monitor behind her. On it was pictured a thin, tall nerdy looking young man. "This is Greg Braun. In four years thanks to some extreme luck and nepotism, he rose from lowly intern to vice president at his uncle's company Lode Stone Enterprises."
"Notice how almost every intern that makes in business is called Greg?" Cyril quipped. "Where do they get these guys? At the Greg Store? Ha! Nobody got that joke? Seriously? Just me?"
"Just you," Pam remarked. "Hang on. I remember hearing something about Lode Stone. Didn't the old guy who ran the company die in some weird sex scandal?"
Lana nodded. "Greg's uncle, Ethan Stone died in the bathroom in his private jet after joining the Mile High Club with his fourth wife who was at least thirty years younger than he was."
"Sploosh!" Pam called out.
"I remember hearing about this too," Ray realized. "Didn't the kids get the company but then sold it to his Norwegian guy?"
"Lars Youssenfrauer," Lana showed the images on screen. "Who made Stone's son in law CEO. Eventually he made his buddy Greg vice president because he got rid of everyone else."
"I know these guys," Archer realized. "They were on TV last week! They got busted for some kind of illegal corporate shit and were arrested!"
"You actually know about that?" Lana asked. "Did you accidentally watch the news or something?"
"I was at this bar and there weren't any sports games on," Archer admitted. "So they had the news on that showed their arrest! It was pretty funny."
"Well yeah," Pam told him. "They were screaming and crying I don't want to go to jail! It was pretty funny. Even in Norwegian."
"Somehow in the confusion of the investigation Greg escaped," Lana explained. "Our job is to find him and turn him into the authorizes. They want to know what he knows. Which odds are is not that much. Still…"
"In other words," Archer groaned. "We're going after the world's lamest fugitive. Great. Well at least this will be an easy bounty."
"The authorities want him alive or dead," Lana told them.
"Isn't the phrase dead or alive?" Archer asked.
"Not when they prefer the target alive," Lana told him.
Archer blinked. "That actually makes sense."
"So where are we headed?" Ray asked.
"Not all of you," Lana said. "I need Krieger here to continue setting up the electrical system. Cheryl is staying here because well…It's Cheryl."
"That's fair," Cheryl admitted.
"Ray, I need you to do a separate job," Lana said. "A few courier missions actually."
"What?" Ray shouted.
"So glad I don't do courier missions," Archer grinned.
"So is the United States Postal Service," Cyril remarked.
"Why me?" Ray asked. "And why courier missions?"
"Because we're also authorized to do low level courier missions," Lana said. "That actually pay money and will help give us a good review. Ray since you're the fastest…"
"Dukes!" Ray groaned. "Are you still mad about me going undercover at IIA?"
"Is that what you call it?" Pam scoffed.
"I'd be lying if I said there weren't some slight trust issues," Lana admitted. "But in this case Ray you are the best person for the job. Or should I say super speed cyborg."
Ray sighed. "How many and where?"
"Twenty-six," Lana handed him a bag. "Twelve different locations. All over New York City. The locations should be downloaded into your phone."
Ray took out his phone and looked. "That's it? Pretty light, isn't it?"
"None of the items are higher than a Level 2 classification," Lana remarked. "And when you're done you can have the rest of the day off."
"Oh well in that case," Ray took the bag. "See ya!" He zoomed off.
Pam sighed. "He's gonna be boozing at Pita Margarita's before noon, isn't he?"
"Lucky bastard," Cyril grumbled.
"Maybe I should rethink my policy of doing courier missions?" Archer remarked.
"Archer, Pam, Cyril…" Lana sighed. "Hunt down Greg and bring him back alive! I can't stress the alive part enough!"
"Aw man," Pam groaned.
"Relax Pam. It's a simple bounty hunting mission," Archer told them. "The three of us are all we need. Even though we have Cyril it's still going to be easy."
"Yeah, all we have to do is find this guy," Pam rolled her eyes. "Which nobody else seems to!"
Cyril spoke up. "What did this Greg guy do before he went to work at the Lode Stone offices?"
Lana looked at the files. "According to this he worked at the Goober Land Theme park for like a week. Why?"
"What job did he have?" Cyril asked.
The following day at Goober Land Theme Park in Pennsylvania…
"Okay so we're at a theme park," Archer remarked as the team walked through the theme park. "An expensive theme park."
"We didn't pay," Pam told him. "We managed to sneak in the back through the cast member doors. And then beat up the guy who caught us."
"Forty dollars a ticket is a rip-off, Pam!" Archer snapped. "This isn't Disneyworld! This is a lame theme park with…"
A loud set of screams distracted him. "The coolest looking roller coaster I've ever seen!" Archer gasped as he saw the attraction before him.
"That's the Screaming Mimi Meteor Blast," Pam said. "Coaster World says it's one of the top ten newest and best rides ever!"
"Ooh…" Archer then forced himself to focus. "Okay so this park has one cool ride? That doesn't mean…"
Another round of screams diverted his attention. "What is that?"
"That's the Rock And Roll Rumble Coaster," Pam pointed. "And over there are the Lightning Rod Wheels! The Zoomer! The Zipper! The Ultimate Bone Crusher! And that's a monorail."
"Like an actual monorail?" Cyril asked.
"Monorail," Archer whispered. "Monorail…"
"Yeah, they use it as transportation throughout the whole park," Pam nodded. "Goober Land is actually pretty kick ass."
"Monorail," Archer's eyes widened. "Monorail…"
Archer forced himself to focus. "No! No! No! We're here to do a job. Which Cyril has yet to explain the reason why we're wasting time at this admittedly cool theme park."
Cyril looked around. "You see those three costumed characters?" He pointed.
"Yeah," Pam remarked.
"We need to unmask 'em," Cyril said.
"Okay," Archer shrugged as he went over to them. He causally punched the three of them in the stomach. The first two costumed characters were just teenagers. The third…
"All right! All right!" Greg Braun gasped as Archer pulled off the dog head costume. "I give up! I give up!"
"Third time's a charm," Archer remarked as the other two costumed people ran away.
"Cyril how did you know this guy would go right back to being a costumed character?" Pam asked. "In the exact same amusement park he started in!"
"Because that's what I'd do in a situation like his," Cyril explained.
"That makes sense," Archer remarked. "You are the Geek Whisperer."
"It was a good thing you're on our team!" Pam cheered.
"See?" Archer remarked. "This was easy! Let's go Fido!"
"Hang on," Pam spoke up. "As long as we're here…Maybe we go on one or two of the rides?"
Archer paused. "Yeah, we got time."
"Just so I'm clear," Cyril sighed. "Instead of bringing Greg in right away we're going on some rides?"
"Why not?" Archer took out some handcuffs. "Greg isn't stupid enough to run off, especially…" Archer cuffed one hand to Greg's. "Let's be honest Greg, this is the last chance you're going on any rides for a long, long, long time."
"Plus, if he does run, I'll personally break his legs," Pam said cheerfully.
Greg gulped. "Let's go on some rides!"
"Now we're talking!" Archer grinned.
FLASHFORWARD!
Archer and Pam were whooping it up on a huge rollercoaster. Both Greg and Cyril looked a little green.
FLASHFORWARD!
Archer, Pam, Cyril and Greg were on another roller coaster that was in the shape of a train with fake boulders flying above them.
FLASHFORWARD!
Our four protagonists were riding on a log flume ride, going down fast with water splashing around them. Archer and Pam were screaming with joy. Cyril and Greg were just screaming.
FLASHFORWARD!
Archer, Pam and Cyril were going on a much calmer ride. A boat ride in an brightly colored cave with glass panels that revealed actual fish behind them. "Neat!" Archer remarked.
FLASHFORWARD!
Archer excitedly pointed with his free hand to a large alpaca. Apparently, there was a large petting zoo full of alpacas, sheep, deer, goats, chickens, and some llamas. A sheep was trying to eat Greg's costume. Meanwhile Pam and Cyril were happily feeding some deer.
FLASHFORWARD!
The three friends and one bounty were calmly riding the monorail. "I have to admit," Cyril remarked. "This is a smooth ride."
"Very nice," Greg said.
"Beats the hell out of subways," Pam nodded.
"This truly is the transportation of the future," Archer admitted.
FLASHFORWARD!
The four of them were riding yet another wild rollercoaster. Greg's face was green. "Can I go to jail now?"
"NO!" Pam and Archer shouted.
FLASHFORWARD!
The four were on yet another roller coaster. Greg looked really green.
FLASHFORWARD!
Greg was throwing up behind a pop a balloon game. A very annoyed Archer was standing by him rolling his eyes. (He was handcuffed to Greg after all) Pam and Cyril were happily throwing darts at the game.
FLASHFORWARD!
Back on the monorail. Both Pam and Cyril were holding stuffed bears. Greg still looked a little green. People were staring at Archer and Greg. I mean it isn't every day you see a man in a suit handcuffed to another man wearing a dog costume minus the head.
"WHAT?" Archer shouted at the people looking at them.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Okay fine," Archer admitted as they got off the monorail. "We've had enough fun and I've had enough of smelling Greg's vomit."
"I said I was sorry," Greg grumbled.
"I'm surprise Cyril didn't upchuck," Pam remarked.
"I think I'm getting used to the crazy so…" Cyril shrugged.
"FIGGIS!"
"What the…?" Archer did a double take. He saw a thin short man with a very thin mustache glaring at them. He was wearing some kind of gray armor.
"FIGGIS!" The man pointed. "I finally tracked you down! I challenge thee knave!"
"Speaking of crazy," Pam blinked.
"Keith," Cyril blinked. "What are you doing here?"
"Challenging you to combat! Duh!" Keith shouted.
"How did you find me?" Cyril asked.
"I follow Pam's Gossip Train," Keith said. "She posted pictures of you guys on roller coasters and that guy throwing up."
"Aww, a fan!" Pam grinned.
"Yeah, you I like," Keith nodded. "It's Figgis I have a problem with!"
"Well so do a lot of people!" Cyril snapped. "But they don't act crazy about it!"
"Cyril who the hell is this prick?" Archer snapped.
Cyril sighed. "This is Keith Tiggs. My nemesis."
"Your what?" Archer shouted.
"Seriously?" Pam shouted. "Since when did you get a nemesis?"
"Since college," Cyril explained. "It's kind of a long story."
"Cyril Figgis has a nemesis?" Archer shouted.
"Yeah, I thought only life was just out to get him," Pam remarked.
"What?" Cyril glared at Archer and Pam. "Did you two think you were the only ones who had a nemesis?"
"Kind of," Archer blinked. "Wait. Pam has a nemesis?"
"YES!" Pam shouted.
"Who?" Archer shouted.
"EDIE!" Both Pam and Cyril shouted at the same time.
"Oh right," Archer blinked. "That makes sense. But Cyril having a nemesis doesn't! I mean where the hell has he been all this time?"
"Kind of a long story," Keith admitted. "Admittedly most of our combats have been online."
"And at Risk tournaments," Cyril added. "Where I've beaten him every year!"
"Only because you cheat!" Keith shouted. "Like you did last time!"
"Keith you weren't even playing me when you got knocked out of the semi-finals!" Cyril snapped. "How the hell could I cheat you when I was playing a different Risk board with different players halfway across the room?"
"I don't know!" Keith whined. "But if there was a way, you would have done it!"
"Long story short," Cyril sighed. "He's my nemesis who doesn't know when to quit!"
"Then how come I'm not your nemesis?" Archer shouted.
"Technically you're more of a frenemy," Pam explained. "Not a nemesis."
"Keith now is really not the time," Cyril sighed. "If you want to schedule another game…"
"Oh no! I'm here to put a permanent end to you once and for all!" Keith shouted as he raised his sword.
"You and what army Sir Loses A Lot?" Cyril snapped.
Keith snapped his fingers. Twelve other men wearing knight costumes and carrying weapons arrived. "This army!"
"Simple bounty hunting mission huh?" Pam looked at Archer. "Easy bounty huh?"
"Shut up," Archer grumbled. "Wait. Are we literally being attacked by LARPERS?"
"Looks like," Pam remarked.
"Behold!" Keith said proudly. "The Guild of Gravestone Knights!"
"More like the Guild of Goofballs That Still Live In Their Parents' Basement," Archer quipped as he held up his hands to fight.
Only to find that Greg was gone. Only the dog paw part of the costume was still attached to the cuffs. "God damn it, Cyril! This is all your fault!"
"My fault?" Cyril shouted. "I didn't ask Keith the Creep to attack us with the Knights of The Lame Table!"
"HEY!" Keith and some of the knights shouted.
"Your nemesis, your fault!" Archer shouted.
"How is this any different than when you're attacked by Barry in the middle of a mission?" Cyril shouted.
"Yeah Archer!" Pam snapped.
"Are you telling me that my rivalry with Barry is as annoying as this?" Archer pointed to Keith and his army.
"Pretty much," Pam nodded.
"Now you know how we feel," Cyril agreed.
"You are really this annoyed when Barry shows up?" Archer frowned. "Okay I admit it. This is annoying. But that's not my fault! I don't invite Barry to show up! Most of the time."
"That's just what I'm saying!" Cyril shouted.
"HEY!" Keith shouted. "EXCUSE ME! I'M TRYING TO SETTLE A SCORE HERE!"
"Okay," Archer sighed. "First, we'll fight these dip wads then go after Greg. Again! Pam, you go left. And I'll go right and Cyril…"
Cyril by then had pulled out a gun. "SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRREEEE!" Cyril shouted as he shot at the LARPERS.
"AAAAAAHHH!" Keith and the army screamed as Cyril shot at them. Some of them were actually hit by bullets in the arms and legs as they ran around panicking.
"You do that," Archer blinked.
"Who gave Cyril a gun?" Pam blinked.
"OW! OW! OW!" Keith screamed as he fell down after being shot in the foot. "MOMMY!"
"Oh, shut up Keith!" Cyril shouted as he stormed up to him. "It's just a though and through!" He hit him with the gun and knocked him out.
"Holy Cyril snacks…" Pam's jaw dropped.
"Jesus Cyril…" Archer was shocked. "Don't you think that was a little excessive?"
"What?" Cyril asked. "It's what you would have done!"
"Against real opponents yeah!" Archer snapped. "Those were lame costumed dicks!"
"Hey! LARPERS can be very tricky!" Cyril snapped.
"They were carrying foam clubs and cardboard swords!" Archer shouted.
"Some of those clubs have metal rods hidden in them!" Cyril shouted. "And some swords can hide real knives!"
"Oh please!" Archer rolled his eyes. "You seriously believe that?"
"I've done some LARPING in the past," Cyril shouted. "I KNOW IT! LARPING can be a tough game!"
"Oh I didn't know Frodo had it so rough in the Shire," Archer quipped.
"Well, it was Cyril that shot them," Pam remarked. "It's not like we took them out."
"I see your point," Archer realized.
"Yeah, it's nerd on nerd crime," Pam shrugged.
Suddenly several security officers ran in. "Stop right there!" One shouted.
"It's okay officers," Archer called out. "It's nerd on nerd crime! Nothing to see here!"
"Halt right there!" An officer raised a nightstick. "Or we'll hit you with our stick things!"
"Wait you guys don't have guns?" Pam asked.
"That seems kind of ridiculous in this day and age, doesn't it?" Cyril asked.
"We have these sticks!" An officer waved one.
"Yeah, and I have a stick right here," Pam picked up a mace that one of the LARPERS dropped.
"Right. No guns," Archer nodded as he picked up what looked like a fake sword. "We can handle this. Cyril don't shoot these guys."
"You have guns?" An officer gasped.
"Relax we won't use them on you," Pam snorted. "We'll just use these fake ass weapons." She swung the mace and casually hit one of the officers on the head.
Who fell like a sack of bricks and started bleeding. "What the…? This is a real mace!" Pam gulped. "Sorry! My bad!"
"En guarde!" Archer playfully stabbed one of the officers.
"OH MY GOD! HE STABBED ME!" The officer screamed as he started bleeding.
"THEY HAVE REAL WEAPONS! RUN! CALL THE SWAT TEAM!" The security officers fled in fear.
"This is the park's security?" Cyril asked. "I don't feel very secure."
"Holy crap," Archer blinked as he looked at the sword in his hand. "Cyril, I apologize. They were hiding real weapons!"
"TOLD YOU!" Cyril shouted. "They're obviously in the Extreme LARPING League."
Archer did a double take. "There's an extreme league?"
"Obviously most of them are in the Armored Combat League but still…" Cyril began.
"The what?" Archer did another double take.
"I'll explain later!" Cyril groaned. "We have to find Greg and get him before…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Greg was heard screaming.
"Something happens," Cyril sighed.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLP!" Greg ran by, chased by several llamas, deer, sheep, goats, and alpacas.
"Found him," Pam pointed.
"How did he…?" Cyril blinked.
"Actually, I can understand how that happened," Archer remarked. "Animals can sense geekiness."
Pam remarked. "We'd better get him before…" She heard sirens. "The SWAT team arrives."
"Easy bounty hunting mission huh?" Cyril looked at Archer.
"Shut up!" Archer snapped.
The following day back at the Agency…
"A couple things," Lana sighed as she directed a meeting of The Agency. "First of all, Archer, Pam and Cyril. You three are banned from Goober Land. For life."
"Not like it's the first theme park that's happened," Cheryl giggled.
"Not even the first this year," Ray added.
"Secondly…" Lana looked at the three. "What the hell are you wearing and why?"
Archer, Pam and Cyril were dressed in armor. "We're going to try out at an Armored League game," Pam explained. "Amateur division obviously."
"Did you know there's actually a sport where people dress up in armor and wail on each other?" Archer held a mace in his hands. "That's so freaking cool!"
"Just remember we're on the same team," Cyril looked at him.
"I make no promises," Archer told him. "Just kidding. It's the least I can do for introducing us to this cool sport. Unless we end up on different teams. Then I must murder you."
"Ugh," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "You keep saying that but you never follow through."
"Just try not to get us kicked out due to unnecessary roughness," Cyril groaned.
"How could we…?" Archer blinked. "And even as I was saying the words. Literally…As the words were coming out of my mouth."
"Moving on," Lana sighed. "We did get paid for the bounty after turning in Greg. However, all of the money had to go into paying bribes, fines, and hospital bills of the people you shot and beat up!"
"Keith's fault!" Archer spoke up. "He's the one who brought the medieval weapons!"
"And Greg was the one who let all those animals loose," Cyril added. "And caused the petting zoo stampede."
"So, what's going to happen to Greg?" Pam asked. "Jail huh?"
"No, he cut a deal," Lana said. "He's got immunity. In fact, he's now been promoted as the new CEO of Lode Stone."
"He's going to be a puppet for the board, isn't he?" Cyril realized.
"Just like Kermit the Frog," Lana said. "With the Board's hand up his ass. Once he gets out of the hospital."
"Again, we're not responsible for the animals running him over and breaking his legs," Archer spoke up.
"Told him that was going to happen," Pam remarked. "I just thought I'd be the one to do it."
"Well, a win is a win," Lana sighed as she poured herself a drink.