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In the end, she asks the question where his answer is unsure. "Did you mean it, did you really not regret it?" the Empress asks of him, her face impassive. Her voice is different from what he knows. It has never been so sharp, so hard as far back as he remembered. Underneath the hardness is a strain of pain and heartbreak. As he glances at her, he sees that the pain is not for him. He bows his head in shame and grief. What is there for him to say now?
"No," his voice is dead to even his ears. Then he looks up at the woman who raised him. There was a sudden piercing flash in her eyes and he swallows before looking down again. "But yes. I cannot regret giving my family peace in the afterlife. Nor can I regret wanting Shaoshang to live because what is a world without her in it when the whole of my family is already gone? But I regret that I could not make myself take her on this path with me because I wanted her to live much as I wanted my revenge." He bows his head lower. The room was silent, save for a small rustle of fabric.
"Zhisheng," there is a pleading tone to the Emperor's voice. Zhisheng could not look at him either, not wanting to see the shame on the face of his second father.
"Shaoshang?" The Empresses' soft voice commands. Zhisheng raises his head at hearing Shaoshang's soft footsteps, but does not dare to look any higher than the hem of her hanfu. He swallows hard at the heart that suddenly rises in his throat. He does not know what to think.
Shaoshang for her part, slowly, and deliberately walks into the room. She does not deny the bitterness and rage she felt when he heard him say "no". But she listened to the rest, and a swirl of relief, anger, and sadness began to fill her. So she stepped into the room. She glances down at the man kneeling in front of her. She could not remember ever seeing him like this, not even when they were alone. At the moment, it was as if she finally saw the person that he was all along, and she did not know what to make of him. She had been ready to rush into the room, to give voice to her bitterness at his abandonment of her on the cliff, and then to abandon him herself so that she could empty herself of him. But there was a second part to his answer that she did not expect, and now she does not know what to do, except to slowly make her bow to the Emperor and Empress.
Time slowed for him. He can feel the emptiness and coldness radiating from her, and it burns him. The regret pours in. Nothing else matters anymore. Nothing else can matter. What good was his revenge if she wasn't there at the end of it to share his life with him? Through the blur of his tears, he can now see the empty life that lies ahead of him. He wants to gasp at the sudden sharp pain that lances through him. He regrets taking his revenge now because it hurt her and it emptied his world.
"Shaoshang," he whispers, still not daring to glance at her. He does not want to see the emptiness in her eyes directed at him. "I told you everything I had in mind. I dare not ask for your forgiveness. But I trust you. I trust that you would understand me." Did she not know? Did she not know that when he was with her, the core of who he was came out? That she was the only person who saw the deepest parts of his heart? He hears her voice, as clear as any bell. He closes his eyes and lets his tears fall in relief when she tells him that she understands him. But then she continues.
"Listen to me this time. I have not had good luck since I was young. I never believed that there was someone who would treat me with genuineness. Until I met you. You made me like you. I liked you. You made me rely on you. I relied on you. You made me believe you. I believed you. But what about you?" He hears her turn towards him and forces himself to look up at her. He can see her willing her tears to stay, can see the fire in her eyes as she looks at him properly for the first time in days. He wants to reach out to her, to grasp her hand and tell her that everything he did for her was true, it was just fortune that much of it also helped him. All of it, except for the final part of the tragedy, had been for her because she had been wronged, and he wanted to make it right.
Shaoshang continues. "I said before, if you dare to abandon me, I will never forgive you in this life. If you are that ruthless, I will also do what I said. I ask General Huo to remember the old affection, and thus release me." She turns her eyes away from his, suddenly drained. Perhaps he did regret not taking her with him because he wanted her to live, and a small part of her felt warm, but she could not forget that every time she closed her eyes, she could only see his body falling away from her because he left her to live alone. She doesn't want to look into his eyes and see desperation and softness, she is much too angry for that. Were those emotions of his even real? Were they ever real? She crushes the hope blossoming in her heart because it was that hope that lead her here. Instead, she focuses on the blade of hurt that runs through her, and grips it tightly. That is real.
He sits and grips the shaoshang string around his wrist. His heartbreak leaves him frozen, and around her was a wall of ice and fire and he can not come close enough to her, either through words or through touch.
"My decree still stands." The Emperor's voice rang through the room. Zhisheng and Shaoshang both startled. They had forgotten that they were not the only ones there, and that there was much more at stake than whether they were married or not. The Emperor looked at the both of them, his face unreadable. "But I will change it." The older man sighs and wishes that he could go back to being gleeful about Zhisheng being giddy over a girl. He looked at Zhisheng's broken face and Shaoshang's empty one, and sighs again.
"You," he points to Zhisheng, "will be demoted and exiled to the northwest border for seven years. You may take whichever members of the Black Armored Guards who are willing to fight with you. I grant you the privilege of fighting under the Huo family banner." Zhisheng nods in acknowledgement, but only feels empty. Once, he would have soared knowing that he could fight under his true family name, but that does not matter now, not if there is not a Shaoshang and their children to ride home to.
"And you," he points at Shaoshang, trying not to wince at the empty look in her eyes. He is used to empty eyes from Zhisheng, who always felt that he had to detach himself from everything and everyone. But not Shaoshang, whose eyes usually sparkled with some feeling. "You will stay in the capital, and take care of yourself. Zhisheng was not wrong, he did spare you and your family from guilt in this matter." Some separation was for the best. There had not been enough time to truly rest and meditate on the matter, and they could not do it with each other and attain any sort of clarity.
"But the marriage…" Shaoshang's voice trailed off as she realized she spoke out of turn.
"Will be delayed as the General mourns his family. Go home to your family, to rest and think." Shaoshang did not dare argue with the tone of finality in his voice. Inwardly, she was quite angry. Why couldn't the abandonment be final? Why wouldn't they let her cut her ties with him and just move on? But there was nothing she could do now, except to bow and walk from the room. An imperial decree with still an imperial decree, no matter how much she wanted to rebel from it. The only thing for her to do was to bow low, and leave the room, utterly drained.
Zhisheng sat back, afraid to breathe, afraid that to move was to dispel what was surely a dream.
"It will take her many years to forgive your actions, no matter what the intentions were behind them." The Empress's voice sounds hollow, she too is drained with all that has been revealed. "How could you, knowing what her parents did?"
"Because there is nothing left if she is not alive; it would have meant nothing otherwise!" His voice quiets. "As long as she was alive, there would always be something left to hope for." The cracks began to come through again. "When the red haze of anger subsided and I saw what was around me—when the doors opened and I saw her looking at it all—I began to feel remorse. For what, I cannot say, but I felt it." And he still feels it. Knows that despite whatever the Emperor ordered, he had shattered something within Shaoshang, and it was impossible to glue it back whole.
"Go. Round up your troops and your supplies. You will move out in two days." The Emperor's voice is tired, and Zhisheng regrets more. Not that he avenged his family, never that. He regrets that in how he achieved his revenge, he hurt the people who had cared for him, and there was no going back from it. Zhisheng tries to pull himself together, to take a shuddering breath to put the emotion away until later, and mostly succeeds. He has his orders, and he will follow them. He bows low to the ground, still not sure of the forgiveness he has been given by the man he had looked up to as a father. When he looks up and sees only sadness and understanding in the Emperor's eyes, it takes all of his will to not break down and beg for forgiveness. It is time to be the soldier again.
He stands up and glances at the Empress, who refuses to look at him. That hurts as much as Shaoshang's refusal. She had only ever looked at him with kindness and love, and he repaid her with betrayal. He swallows hard, mutters a quiet "I'm sorry" to her, and leaves the room with his head bowed.