Haunted Hotel
By TLR
Parody based on the Stiller and Wilson movie Starsky and Hutch.
Plot: Can Starsky and Hutch win $10,000 by staying all night in a haunted hotel?
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When Starsky and Hutch walked into Huggy's and took a couple of stools at the bar, Huggy greeted them by sliding a little poster in front of them.
"Check this, my friends. $10,000 if you can stay the night at Mystery Manor."
The detectives looked at each other.
"Hey," Hutch shrugged. "we have the weekend off. Why not?"
"It's probably a publicity stunt for a haunted tourist attraction or something."
"So? Where's your sense of fun and spontaneity? It's ten thousand dollars."
"Yeah. You could buy a new car."
"Hey, easy on my camper truck, amigo."
"Eh," Starsky shrugged. "We got better things to do."
Hutch blinked at him. "Better than winning $10,000? We can do this, partner. I just know we can. Now let's sign up."
Huggy smirked a little. "Thought you two were the bravest cats in Bay City, Starsky?"
Starsky slammed the flat of his hand down on the bar. "Okay! You're on!" With a look at Hutch, he said, "Happy now, hotshot?"
"I'll be happier when we win the prize money."
::
That night, they arrived at Mystery Manor, a massive, gothic building with dark windows and a chilly aura. Hutch was excited, Starsky was reserved.
"Scared?" Hutch asked as they walked through the big iron gates and up to the front door.
"What's to be scared of? I just don't believe in ghosts and what-not. Do you?"
"Well, I'm kind of open-minded about these things, so I guess I'm on board, at least till the prize money is in our hands."
Hutch clapped him on the back at the front door. "Remember our motto, partner. Me and Thee."
Starsky nodded. "And Never Gay."
Hutch turned the doorknob and they went inside. Once in, they looked around the big place, which looked right out of a Vincent Price movie. Lit torches provided light. A heavy staircase dominated the ground floor. A big chandelier flickered and trembled overhead as if about to go out any second, or fall. Spider webs decorated the corners. Not fake webs. Real spiders had spun them and were traversing them.
"I bet Huggy's in on this," Starsky said as he looked around.
And then came the distant sound of a voice moaning "Leave us", from the top of the stairs, though no one was there.
Hutch jolted. "Wow. Did you hear that?"
Starsky, trying to act nonchalant, responded, "Yeah, probably just a recording of some kind...a record player or something. You know how creative Huggy is."
But then, an old piano off to the side began to play by itself. Both detectives jumped, clinging to each other. And then awkwardly separated.
Starsky coughed. "Uh, tactical bro-hug. For safety."
Hutch nodded. "Absolutely tactical."
Suddenly, a ghostly, gauzy figure floated down the grand staircase, its face obscured. The partners, hands on their weapons, watched it descend. It came closer and closer.
Hutch said, "I don't think we can shoot a ghost, partner."
"Then why do you have your hand on your gun?"
When the specter finally reached bottom, it simply dissolved into thin air.
"Explain that," Starsky said.
"I can't. Somebody's casting a hologram or something."
When the piano stopped playing, and the moaning stopped sounding, Hutch said, "It's quiet."
"Too quiet."
"Stop with the clichés."
"This mystery mansion is one big haunted cliché."
"And we haven't even seen half of it. If we're going to win that money, we've got to pace ourselves. Come on. Let's look around."
Bodies so close they moved as if they were one person, they began to slowly walk around and check things out.
They continued into a ballroom, where they saw skeletons doing the tango.
"Nope," Starsky said closing the big double doors and walking away from the dancing room. "Not real."
Hutch walked quickly to catch up.
In the hall, the eyes in a ghostly portrait followed them, but when Hutch moved it aside, a squirrel had made its home in the wall behind it, nibbling on nuts.
"See, Starsk? Explanation for everything."
"What say we check out the kitchen? Maybe find a snack."
"Should have brought the donuts."
When they reached the kitchen, they saw a figure in chef's clothing slicing vegetables on a cutting board with a very sharp knife.
"Um," Hutch said as they backed away. "Suddenly not very hungry."
"Tired," Starsky said as they backed toward the bottom of the staircase. "Very tired. Let's go upstairs. The rules didn't say we couldn't sleep the whole night away, right?"
"Right. All we need to do is wake up in the morning."
"Alive."
They turned and ran up the stairs, then down the hall to a bedroom that was tastefully decorated but had vintage horror posters framed on the walls. Black candles gave off candlelight.
"Look," Starsky said as he stood on one side of the bed, Hutch on the other. "Sharing a bed tonight doesn't mean we're gay."
"Or scared."
"It means we're tired."
"Very tired."
They both eased down into the bed, their backs toward each other, pulling the cover up over themselves, their butts accidentally touching. This brought their smiles, then their chuckling, then their little-girl giggling, then their laughing out loud. The whole bed moved with their laughter, but they still stayed that way.
"I knew it!" Hutch laughed with glee as he raised a happy fist high in the air. "Siamese twins! Joined at the ass! Partner! If we don't make it..."
"It's been good!" Starsky laughed.
"It's been GREAT! I love you!"
"I love you more!"
That made them laugh even harder. Eventually, after a long night of shooting the breeze, butt to butt, they finally fell asleep. They didn't know what time it was, and they didn't care. Their scares had turned into laughs, and they celebrated that weekend with the money they won. By detailing the Torino, buying a new set of tires for the camper truck, taking Captain and Mrs. Dobey out to dinner, sending Huggy with his entourage and Corky on a cruise to the Bahamas, and giving Willis and his mother the rest.
End