UFO Short Stories 7: Aliens And Politics
I still wish my muse would behave. This one is set between A Question Of Priorities, Redux and Practice To Deceive, and covers the events leading up to the UK Referendum - and the real reason we got one at all (though that's pure fiction...I hope).
Jennifer's bed
Some months before Jennifer's recruitment
Occasionally Jennifer did find things to do in bed other than sleeping or having sex. This time she was reading a newspaper, something she hadn't done in a while. There was an article on Brexit, which she'd voted for in the Referendum; it still hadn't happened yet. She sighed.
Next to her Kelly inquired, "What's up?"
"Aren't we supposed to be getting out of Europe?" she asked exasperatedly. "We voted. There was a Referendum - okay, the result was nearly even, but still, there was a majority vote to leave the EU and the PM said he'd abide by it. The politicians are supposed to do what we tell them to do; our taxes pay for them. Well," she wryly conceded, "taxes do, anyway."
This reflected one astounding revelation Kelly had vouchsafed re SHADO: by order of the Secretary General, its members paid no income tax. Apparently the Chancellor of the Exchequer wasn't pleased, but there was nothing he could do about it if no less a personage than Her Majesty the Queen was telling him (of course this was before her death in late 2022).
It was explained as one of several necessary perks, which in turn explained why SHADO members generally owned their homes rather than renting. It was giving her serious pause for thought; she'd spent ages putting the money together to rent and furnish her and Sophie's home. There was one point where she'd seriously considered prostitution to pay the bill, until she got a lucky break by winning £5,000 on a scratchcard.
The irony was that normally she never bought scratchcards, seeing the whole thing as a loser's game, like the National Lottery ("If I'm going to bet, it'll be on something more likely than a bloody meteorite strike!" she always ranted), but it was an impulse buy from a 24-hour store...and she'd been drunk at the time. Given her budget, £5,000 paid for three months' rent and most of the furnishings, courtesy of a second-hand store, plus new outfits for herself and Sophie.
It also paid for a celebratory pub crawl, during which she'd met and bedded a married couple...
"We almost didn't get a Referendum at all," Kelly confided now, "whatever Cameron promised."
Jennifer frowned. "So why did we?"
"Me," he answered simply, "and my SIG-Sauer."
Jennifer looked at him in shock. She found her voice: "You mean...being the Commander of SHADO gives you so much political power you can tell the PM what to do?"
"Jennifer, I can tell the President of the United States what to do. Or the Premier of the Russian Federation. In fact, anyone, outside of Henderson or the Secretary General. We only got the Referendum because I threatened to shoot the PM if we didn't. I would have, too."
"But...but why?"
"There was a possibility he was under Alien control - it was only when he pleaded for his family that I knew he wasn't." She still looked baffled; he nodded. "Okay, here it is. Around the time Cameron was negotiating with the EU, there was a peculiar regulation in effect. It placed an interdiction zone around several coastal EU members - all fair enough, it seemed. It meant no armed waterborne vehicle was allowed within three nautical miles of any affected coastline." He paused. "See the flaw?"
At first she didn't. Then an uneasy thought occurred to her. "Kelly...the Skydivers are armed, aren't they?"
He nodded grimly.
"So the regulations meant a Skydiver couldn't go closer than three nautical miles?"
"That's right."
"But...what if a UFO did? How could a Skyfighter intercept it?"
"Exactly. It couldn't. So along certain EU coastlines, the Aliens effectively had a free pass to a range of three miles from the coast. If they could get past Moonbase, they could land virtually unopposed."
"And do God knows what," Jennifer breathed, shocked. "Wait a minute - what about the Mobiles?"
He shook his head. "They couldn't get within three miles of the coast, either. The way the regulations were worded meant that a UFO couldn't be touched inside that six-mile strip."
"What the hell were they thinking?!" Jennifer understandably demanded.
"The regulations were passed by certain EU members...who were also members of the Security Council."
"And therefore knew about the Aliens," Jennifer nodded. "They were under Alien control, weren't they?"
"I thought so at first, and on my own authority I pulled in a random selection of Members. But psycho-analytical tests cleared them."
"Weird," Jennifer mused. "But they were giving the Aliens a free pass into Europe! Why didn't you stop them?"
"I couldn't," he replied, pained, "because the orders were given by EU members who, at that time, held a majority in the Security Council - and Britain was of course part of the EU. So I was stymied. Then Cameron announced that he was trying one last time to get favourable terms from the EU, and if he didn't, he was going to call a Referendum. What he didn't know, but I did, was that he had no chance of getting what he wanted. So when he came back and was working late…"
10 Downing Street, London
The night before the Referendum is announced
David Cameron, the Prime Minister, looked over the myriad papers on his desk and sighed. The EU members had seemed so obstructive when he'd tried to negotiate; it was strange. Almost as if they didn't want the UK to leave…
To his shock his thoughts were interrupted by a harsh metallic click. He'd once taken a course in firearms safety, at the insistence of the Home Secretary, and so he knew exactly what he'd heard:
A safety catch being disengaged.
There was a loaded SIG-Sauer P226 in his desk drawer. But before he could retrieve it, a cold voice declared: "I'd rather not shoot you, Mr. Cameron. But any wrong move, and I will."
To his further shock, he recognised his unwelcome visitor: Commander Kelly McAllister of the organisation known as SHADO (which, in all honesty, he could scarcely believe). He froze. Her Majesty the Queen had made the extent of the Commander's authority quite clear in the top-secret briefing he'd received when he'd taken office, and so he was in no doubt as to his grave peril should the Commander believe him to be a part of the enemy Aliens' plot.
"Good lad," McAllister told him, and stepped into the dim light. His own SIG-Sauer was still aimed at the PM.
"Commander McAllister, I have a great deal to do, and I -"
"You have one thing to do," the man corrected him. "You told the UK electorate there would be a Referendum on leaving the EU if things didn't go according to plan. Well, they didn't. Are you going to keep your word, or was that just another thing the Government's reneging on? More backtracking, eh?"
Cameron gulped. While the notion of a Referendum certainly had sounded good to the electorate, in truth he hadn't intended to hold any such thing; his idea was to placate the Houses and the Opposition as much as possible...but apparently McAllister somehow knew that.
"But...we can't leave the EU, not at the present time," he protested. "Our trade agreements are -"
"Mr. Cameron, the EU is not the whole world. We can trade with Japan and the States, plus New Zealand, Australia, Canada and India. The EU is no great loss." He snorted. "Supposedly there was a referendum in 1975 about the Common Market, but my Mum swears blind no-one said anything about it to her, and she'd have told 'em to get stuffed if they had. But...when you negotiated, did anything seem...off...to you?"
"I - well, no, but…" The odd behaviour of the EU delegates crossed his mind again, and he realised McAllister had a point. "They were oddly obstructionist, yes. I had thought certain members were in favour of increased trade with the UK, but apparently not. Plus the immigration issues -"
"- are the last thing you should be worrying about," was the interruption. "Besides, leaving the EU will benefit SHADO because we won't be tied to EU prices - we can get parts from the States and Japan instead." McAllister looked pained. "Do you have any idea how much it costs presently to kit out or maintain a Mobile? If SHADO traded with Japan I could do it for less than half the current figure.
"More importantly, though, there's that bloody interdiction zone. As long as the UK is in the EU, I don't have the authority to cross it, even if I know for a fact the Aliens have built a base in the coastal regions - which in fact I think they are doing."
Cameron frowned. "But if SHADO is effectively interdicted, how do you know?"
"Undercover agents who've reported their observations," McAllister answered, and grinned. "As a cover story, some of them were on holiday at the time." He lost the grin. "What they reported has me seriously worried, but at the moment there's nothing I can do. There's always too much political opposition in the Security Council." He looked sour. "I should've realised at least two years ago that the Council was top-heavy with EU members."
"So - the Aliens are behind it?" Cameron asked, shocked yet fascinated. "They understand politics?"
McAllister nodded. "They understand a damn sight more than even SHADO gives them credit for. But no-one we've tested has been influenced as far as we can tell."
"Who have you tested?"
McAllister named several; Cameron gasped. "But...they're not the people I negotiated with!"
"So that's it," the Commander understood, "misdirection! We had the wrong people!"
"The people you named are strictly minor players, Commander; they have no authority per se to negotiate EU terms, especially not trade or immigration. So...you, and SHADO, effectively need a Referendum?"
The Commander nodded grimly. "More, we need the result to be in favour of leaving. Not that I intend fixing the vote," he added, "politically that'd be a disaster if I did. But the Aliens are sure to try to swing the vote their way - so I need MI6 to keep a careful eye on the rabid pro-EU organisations, close them down if they get too active."
"Hardly democratic," Cameron observed dryly.
McAllister glared. "Mr. Cameron, I strongly advise you to remember I am still armed." A thought occurred to him. "In fact, for all I know you might be part of the conspiracy, favouring the EU as you do, so it might be best to shoot you now."
"And what of my family?" Cameron cried, clearly distressed. "Please, leave them out of this! Kill me if you must, but they're innocents! Please!"
For Kelly, that decided it. A man under Alien control wouldn't think of his family; he wouldn't think of anything other than his mission.
He relaxed, and the gun was put on safety. "You're clean, Mr. Cameron. Thank you. But we still need a Referendum. We'd better get it. If we don't, to quote from The Terminator of all things: I'll be back. Good night to you."
Cameron breathed a sigh of relief, then he realised, "Wait, how did you get in?"
Kelly grinned. "Quietly."
With that, he left.
Once Cameron was sure he was alone, he checked the door's lock, but it showed no sign of damage at all. So how had McAllister gained entry? How had he gotten past the guards? Then the PM recalled that SHADO had at its disposal some of the world's most advanced equipment and technology, so doubtless that accounted for it.
But should he take the Commander's warning seriously?
As the faces of Samantha and his beloved children passed through his mind, he decided that he'd better, for their sake; Her Majesty had made clear the considerable extent of the Commander's power and authority - he would answer to no-one, even for shooting the PM (except the Secretary General, but he was accountable to Ban Ki-Moon only to explain his actions, not as part of any punishment). So he began drafting a speech with renewed resolve.
10 Downing Street
Early that morning
Several advisors read the speech and asked him, "Sir, are you sure about this?"
He sighed and told them part of the truth. "Not really, but I did promise the electorate as a condition of my accession. Time to pay the piper, as it were." The advisors frowned, but he was, after all, the Prime Minister, with greater authority than anyone in the UK save Her Majesty.
That same day, the PM announced at a press conference that EU negotiations had effectively failed, and so a Referendum would be held. He stated that he hoped the result would not be in favour, but he would abide by the decision. In due course, people began voting.
Two in particular, viz. Cherry Bisquet and Jennifer Harrison, made very sure to vote Leave; Cherry in particular had never been impressed by the Common Market or the EU, and she too had no memory of the 1975 Referendum. As for Jennifer, she didn't know much about the EU issues, but if the Government was in favour of something, then she wasn't. As a single mother and a former lesbian, she was a typical rebel.
Soon after, the result was in. What no-one outside of SHADO knew was that certain votes had been influenced by the Aliens - but SHADO had altered some of the results, working closely with MI6; after talking with Ed Straker, Kelly had revised his position.
Some of them; to make it look convincing to pro-EU people and the Aliens alike, the vote could be neither all that close nor overwhelming. But for a time it looked as if the result would be for Europe - until the votes for Manchester, Bolton and several other North West towns and cities were tabulated.
In the end, it was in fact almost 50-50. The Remainers, as they came to be called, protested and called for a repeat, but a vote was a vote, as the Brexit faction pointed out at length.
Kelly breathed a sigh of relief. 51.89% was too damn close as far as he was concerned, but even a small majority was, by definition, still a majority. Immediately the result was known, i.e. that very minute, he took action.
Skydivers One, Two and Three were redirected immediately to the EU coast at full throttle, as were three SHADAIR Heavy Transporters...two of which were stuffed with combat personnel, the third carrying the Mobiles. SID reported contacts which apparently were lifting off rather than landing, but SKY 1 and SKY 2 soon dealt with them, with SKY 3 providing cover. Once the Mobiles were deployed and had reached the area, an Alien base, apparently under construction, was located - and swiftly destroyed in a fierce, take-no-prisoners ground battle.
SHADO casualties were moderate; the Aliens were wiped out. The troops' commander, Colonel Bryce Makin, was in no mood whatsoever to pussyfoot around with attempted capture; his beloved wife Astrid was born in Europe, as was one of their two children. They'd enjoyed holiday meals in Greece, Italy and France, and loved Tuscany in particular. So he was utterly determined that Europe be cleansed of any Alien threat.
(Astrid celebrated his safe return with an epic lovemaking session in the Swiss Alps, in a mountain cabin lit only by firelight, and the result was her becoming pregnant with their third child. "So it wasn't all bad," Makin later quipped to a grinning Commander.)
The Security Council, about to deliver vengeance, was cowed instead upon SHADO's discovery of the base. Three EU politicians suffered mysterious (and covered-up) heart failure, but several more were captured by the SAS troops sent by Her Majesty; they'd travelled aboard the Transporters with the SHADO troops. Subsequent psycho-analytical testing revealed the politicians had indeed been influenced (with one, traitorous exception who'd collaborated with them), and as far as possible they were treated.
The traitor, of course, was shot on the spot as soon as he was identified.
A Security Council member protested, "But the UK is still part of the EU! You cannot -"
"We voted to leave," Kelly vociferously interrupted, "so in effect the UK has already left the EU - which entitles me to completely ignore all EU regulations, and, hey, why are you arguing about this -? Security, grab him!" he rapped as he realised the probable truth...which was confirmed as the man drew a Mini Uzi.
But he never had a chance to cock it, let alone open fire, as Major Penelope Terry, at the Commander's side, took the initiative and fired her SIG-Sauer; the 9mm bullet entered and ruined his heart, and he fell instantly dead.
He was about to compliment her with "Nice shot, Major," but she interrupted with: "Sir, please don't. I hate shooting human beings, even traitors." She sighed, recalling the traitors Graham Fisk and Ann Prince. "He wasn't the first, but I hope to God he was the last."
"Hey, wait a minute," the American member interjected, "how do you know we aren't conspirators, too?"
It was only then that he noticed Major Terry's gun pointed at him - and at the Security Council, to the outrage of Ban Ki-Moon.
Kelly answered coldly, "Right now, I don't. Move and you die. Even you, Mr. Secretary. Security, have them taken for psycho-analytical testing."
The results were fascinating. The Aliens had developed a new subversion technique: one person influenced could affect other people, which was how he'd been fooled at first by apparently negative results. The people he'd initially had tested hadn't been influenced...then. One who hadn't been tested spread his influence. Only Kelly's own suspicions had led him to identify and deal with the Alien-controlled politicians; the others were cleared.
One, upon discovering she had been manipulated, was so shocked, horrified and guilt-ridden that she attempted suicide, stopped only by the watchful medical staff. She was counselled successfully, but this started Kelly on a train of thought which led, a few months later, to the appointment of Dr. Harriet Page as SHADO's new Combat Counsellor.
Ed had his doubts, but Kelly showed him excerpts from Harriet's sterling career, saying, "I generally agree about the touchy-feely stuff, Ed, but the fact is that it works, and Harriet does get results. I'm sure she'll be a big help."
Given Harriet's somewhat abrasive personality, it wasn't quite that easy, but in time they reached a modus vivendi and learned to get along. She proved to be invaluable when the Aliens attempted to use psychological manipulation techniques, overwhelming many SHADO operatives with a sense of crushing despair - including, for a short time, Kelly himself. The strict talking-to she gave him helped him pull himself together.
He asked curiously, "How come you were immune?"
Her answer cracked him up:
"Don't worry about me, boyo, I'm Welsh, look you! Stubborn sheep-shaggers, we are!"
Not long after, the Aliens tried to assassinate her, but she took this in her stride - "If they're trying to kill me that means I'm doing something right, doesn't it?"
Despite the potential seriousness of the situation, this too cracked him up. It was later noted as a plus point in his psycho-analytical testing: Is entirely capable of humour, however grim the situation is. If not taken to excess, good humour is a sign of sanity and a stable, well-adjusted personality.
Evaluation: A-1 for active duty.
"Are you going soft on me?" he kidded on receiving the evaluation.
Harriet swatted him. "Ooh, you wish, you crusty bugger! If I did I could suggest appointing someone else!"
"You could try me," Paul quipped.
She crossed to him and swatted him, too. "Any more of your cheek and I will, just to punish you!"
All three laughed. That night whilst off-duty they held a drinking game...which Harriet won (she'd cheated by taking Cuprofen tablets throughout the night, plus copious amounts of water).
"Note to self: don't ever get you mad," Jennifer marvelled; Kelly chuckled and kissed her.
It was one more nail in the coffin of her doubts.
THE END