Chapter 1. Ethics in Journalism: a Masterclass
The Daily Prophet
Not Just Potter's Ginger Sidekick: Exposing Ronald Weasley's Best Hidden Secret
By Rita Skeeter
Despite his less than stellar looks and his reputably mediocre intelligence, it would seem Ronald Weasley is, in fact, a man of extraordinary aptitudes. The Daily Prophet's Special Reporter Rita Skeeter, through sheer strength of mind and stellar investigating, has uncovered the secret he has managed to keep hidden from the world at large for the nearly two decades of his existence: he's a Seer.
Born the last boy of the Weasley brood, Ronald Bilius Weasley was never destined for greatness. It is, in fact, by sheer happenstance that he befriended war hero Harry Potter and subsequently helped save the world.
"Potter just sat with him on the train and Weasley convinced him Gryffindor was better. That entire friendship is bollocks, if you ask me. I tried to befriend Potter that day and he refused me because his malleable mind had been infected! Good riddance and all that in hindsight, but I found it highly insulting at the time," tells me an anonymous source that I will henceforth name Blond Hottie for the purposes of this exposé.
And yet, despite assertions of his mediocrity and "dusty second-hand robes", Ron Weasley would make a show of his talents for the first time that very year.
"We're a family of jokers, so we told little Ronnikins a lot of things went into sorting at Hogwarts—that he would need to duel Dumbledore, things like that," laughs Twin MIA, the inner circle source for this story. "He convinced himself we told him he'd need to wrestle a troll, and he spread that rumour amongst the first years." As it happens, Ron and his friends did fight a troll that year per records obtained from Argus Filth, the school's resident caretaker.
As time went on, it seems Ron Weasley's gift as a Seer only grew. During his second year at Hogwarts, he wound up making two predictions of an unprecedented nature. It began with the hiring of the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, once beloved and acclaimed Gilderoy Lockhart.
"Yeah so we had Lockhart as a teacher, right? Bloke was a fucking joke. Just an absolute tosser. Couldn't use a single spell properly if it bit him in the arse. At one point he just unleashed Cornish pixies on us and they attacked us and he just fled the room—I stuck around for a bit after he tasked Harry, Ron, and Hermione to 'help clean up' and I heard Ron say that there was no proof Lockhart did any of the things he was known for, that he just said he'd done them," recalls another source, henceforth named Irish Delight.
And, as a point of fact, it was proven earlier this year by this very reporter that Gilderoy Lockhart was indeed a fraud, having usurped the accomplishments of much uglier witches and wizards to pass them off as his own before turning their memory to mush. (Now a permanent resident of St Mungo's after a mysterious incident ironically destroying his own memory—unanimously attributed to Harry Potter's mystifying and grandiose ways—Gilderoy Lockhart is unavailable for comment.)
"But that's really the least of it. He solved the mystery of my death before anyone else and that's more important than whatever that Lock-Your-Heart person did, isn't it? See, I was floating around the castle, as I tend to do—I am quite morose and heart-stricken, you know, being melancholic is an important part of the process—and I heard Ron say 'Maybe he murdered Myrtle' when Harry questioned why Tom Riddle received a Special Award for Services to the School. This was of course before I became a critical part of the investigation and Harry fell for me," explains the ghost of Myrtle Warren, now as delusional as she is transparent (Harry Potter is set to marry Ginny Weasley this year, see page 7).
Bystanders could easily chalk up these events as incidents, but your Special Reporter is not one to let go of a bone, even if it has been gnawed on by a thousand others before. Perhaps young Ron simply had a knack for revealing the unseen and the unknown—which is the mark of a true Seer, according to one expert.
"Of course, I always knew Ron was a true Divination prodigy. From the very moment he stepped into my classroom," explains Sybil Trelawney, the somewhat odd-looking and sherry-scented Divination teacher at Hogwarts. "I sensed the Eye looming from above the skies when his red hair graced my classroom. He made two predictions on his very first day!"
Accounts on that first day of Divination class differ. While Professor Trelawney asserts that she saw Ron Weasley's true skills from that very first moment she had him read tea leaves, other students, including Irish Delight, recall that she vehemently denied Ron's readings and offered alternative explanations.
"Right so Ron's goin' on about how Harry will work for the Ministry and get a shit ton of gold. And Trelawney walks up to him, her nose is real wrinkled you know, like the lass is upset, and she goes: 'No, this means he has a deadly enemy, this means an attack, this means danger in his path.' Like just telling him he got it all wrong," recounts Irish Delight, quite delighted, it would seem, to protest the lies weaved by his former professor. (A sherry-intoxicated Sybil Trelawney later asserts to me that this is nonsense and that multiple readings of a set of tea leaves may be correct.) "But in any case, Ron was right. Harry is an Auror now—and he did get a shit ton of gold during the Triwizard Tournament—a thousand smackers, that fucker."
The Triwizard Tournament is another pivotal moment in Ron Weasley's history as a Seer. Though I was present at the event and reported on it extensively, I have not had the opportunity to reveal this exclusive until just now. It is during my time reporting on the champions that I came across a most interesting piece of literature: a dream journal written by none other than Harry James Potter.
"We were assigned these dream journals by Prof Trelawney. Harry and Ron were late filling them, so they just made shit up in the common room one night," explains Irish Delight—who was conveniently there to witness yet another exchange. "Can't blame them, she's batty and those journals were a chore. But anyway, Ron told Harry he could write 'Why don't you get stabbed in the back by someone you thought was a friend?' in his journal, and the mad lad did it!"
Ron's suggestion might have seemed innocuous at the time—a grandiose dream to write in the journal to satisfy the demands of their Divination professor. Little did Ron know, however, that he was predicting his own upcoming backstabbing.
"After Harry's name came out of the Goblet, Ron stopped speaking to him. It was a whole thing, lasted for a good while too! They made up after the First Task, so I don't know what happened there," recalls Tall Arse, who slept in the same dormitory as Harry and Ron.
"Of course, that's the betrayal everyone witnessed, but it's not the only one—or even the worst one, for that matter. The real betrayal happened later, while they were on the run," says French Femme. (Public records released since this interview have confirmed that Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley were hunting down He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's Horcruxes during their time as fugitives.) "We'll never really know what happened, but he was real torn up about it. He stayed with us for a bit before leaving suddenly—I guess to return to his friends."
The trail grows cold after the early years—undoubtedly due to the war brewing and the return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named shortly after the Third Task. However, your reporter believes her job is done here: once might be an accident, twice a coincidence, but this much evidence is quite damning, and provides the Wizarding World with the comfort of knowing a True Seer has risen from the ashes.