Chapter 1: What The Hell?
This is a different, hopefully funnier version of the forgetful time traveler. It was supposed to be a bit of a funny story, slightly crack if you will, but my muse didn't take it in that direction and that pissed me off enough to stop writing it.
Isobel is not the same cussing basilisk of the nearsighted one in my other fic. She's younger and not nearsighted.
After writing three chapters, it still isn't funny, but I'm going to post this one, because it's more logical.
Again, my muse is playing me like a broken instrument. Don't expect fast updates.
Hphphp
Harry Potter awoke and jackknifed up from his laying position. He had thought he had died, but then he realized he was alive. He had dislodged the snake that had been on his chest. She had been there for as long as he could remember, so it was not an unusual situation. Except they weren't supposed to be asleep in the first place. They were supposed to be walking in a jungle.
"Damn it, Harry," she hissed, climbing back up his chest. "What did you do that for?"
"I think we died," he hissed back at her, running a hand down his face. "Now we're not where we're supposed to be."
"Why would you think that?" she said, wrapping the bottom part of herself around his waist.
"Look around you," he said, feeling a bed underneath him. The last thing he remembered was they were walking in a cavern in South America. He could feel that he was wearing a t-shirt and some boxers, and not adventure gear. There wasn't the smell of jungle around him, nor was there the sounds of one either.
She looked around and realized that she was in a room she had never been in before. "Where are we?" she asked, moving her head around rapidly. Her tongue was darting everywhere. She was confused as to where they were as much as he was.
He peered around the room, squinting his eyes, and realized that he could not see. Everything was a blur. He could tell they were indoors, and in a room, but little else. Something that had not happened to him since he was around 18 years old.
He patted the bedside table next to the bed he was on and came across some glasses. He clumsily put them on his face and soon could see around the room, realizing that he was in his old room at #4 Privet Drive. A place he had not been since he was 17. He thought that he'd seen the last of this place.
"It looks like we're in my childhood home," he said, with a great deal of bewilderment and distaste. "What the fuck we're doing here, I do not know."
She looked at him and said, "You looked to be around 15 years old. How the hell did that happen?"
"15? Are you sure?" he asked, picking up his hand, looking at it and seeing that it was indeed much younger than his 38-year-old hand. There were no scars or wrinkles on that hand. It was as smooth as a baby's bottom.
"How the fuck would I know? I don't know what you humans look like when you're teenagers, but yeah," she said, flicking her tongue out at him.
He jumped out of the bed and rushed to where he remembered the bathroom was, and looked in the mirror and said, "What the fuck?" Then he stopped, realizing that he was being really loud and listened to see if he had woken anybody in the house. There was some rustling of sheets and blankets, a snort or two, but other than that nobody moved.
They snuck back to the bedroom and contemplated what to do next.
"I think we've traversed back in time," Harry said, looking at her in amazement.
"How?" she asked, staring at him.
"How the fuck should I know?" he answered, running his hand down his face again.
"Should we stay here and see what's going to happen?" asked the snake.
"I'd rather not stay here. These people are not very friendly," said Harry, sitting on the bed and contemplating that statement. He was only 15 years old right now and he didn't really have any other options as to where to go.
"Yes, but if we change too much of history, then we won't know what happens then. We won't know what's going to change," came the wise advice.
"We've changed history just by you being here," he said. "I didn't meet you until after I turned 20. You were not part of my childhood," he added, pointing out the obvious.
"That's true," she said, nodding her head and cuddling up with him, glad she was here. He'd get into too much trouble without her. "And I'm glad you did meet me, but I don't know why I came back with you. Or how the fuck we came back in the first place," she added. She looked around the room again and flicked her tongue in distaste.
"Look, Isobel. I don't know what we're going to do. I can't stay here. I don't remember what happened when I was 15 years old, let alone what's going to happen next? I do remember there were Dementors, and I don't want to stick around for that," Harry said, though he was changing his mind about that. There were things that did have to happen the way they had happened. He was sure of that.
"Dementors? Why the hell were there Dementors in an area like this?" she asked completely gobsmacked. Of course, she knew about Dementors, she was a magical snake.
"That bitch Umbridge sent them after me," he said, shrugging like it was a normal thing to happen.
"Why would she send Dementors after you? And who is Umbridge?" she asked, sniffing around the room with her tongue as if the woman was there for her to bite. She'd kill anyone who hurt her Harry.
"I told you about Umbridge. I know I've told you about Umbridge. She's the bitch who put the scars on the back of my hand." Then he looked down at his hand and noticed that the scars were not there. "Oh, that's right. That happened this year." He snapped his fingers in remembrance and vowed that wasn't going to happen this time.
"Do you remember when the Dementors happened?" Isobel asked, peering at his face like he would have to remember.
"I don't even know what day it is," he pointed out.
There was a hoot by the window that reminded Harry that his owl was there. "Hedwig!" he cried. He placed the snake on the bed and ran over to his owl and pet her. "Oh my, Hedwig, how I've missed you," he said, running his hands down her back with loving affection.
"Who the hell is that?" said Isobel, with much jealousy. Harry never paid any attention to another animal besides her before.
"This is my very first friend in the whole wide world," said Harry. "I'm sure I've told you about her," he said, still pouring affection on the owl.
"Your first friend in the whole wide world was an owl?" she asked with a bit of scorn.
"My best friend in the whole wide world is now a snake," he countered with a smirk.
"Touché," she said.
"Hedwig, I want you to go hunting and then go to, uh, what was the name of that place? Um, Sirius's place. Grimhold. Grim and Old. I can't really remember the name of the place. I think it's under Fidelius Charm already. See if you can find Sirius and stay with him for a while," he said, settling on the best way he could to get her somewhere safe.
Hedwig hooted at him and went out the window.
"It was really good to see her again," said Harry, settling on the bed again.
"Now we really need to figure out what we're going to do," said Isobel, slithering on to his lap. "Are we going to stay here and face the Dementors or are we going to leave?" she asked, snuggling into his warmth.
"I really don't want to stay with the Dursleys, but I really don't want to change history too much either," Harry said, tapping his thigh with his fingers. He'd face the demons then leave, he decided. But he wasn't going to put up with his relative's shite either.
"I could just scare them," she said, climbing up his torso and putting her head on his shoulder.
"We could do that. They are pretty terrified of magic, and you are a magical snake," he agreed, nodding his head, scratching her head right between the eyes, where she liked it. That would set them right.
"I could just petrify them," she said, with some menace in her tone.
"There is that. We could leave them petrified for quite a while," he said, knowing the potion to unpetrify them if need be. It would teach them to mess with him. He might have to repeat the lesson a few times, but he'd get it across sooner or later. He didn't plan on being here for long anyway.
"I think we'll do that, then," she said, nestling in his neck. "We really don't want to change history too much, but we don't want to let anybody push us around either."
Isobel was about 5 feet long, but rather thin. She was in her smaller form, which was good because as she was in her larger form, she could fill up the entire house. She was a basilisk and therefore, could shrink and enlarge at will. Being a magical snake and all. She could go invisible too, if she wanted, but rarely did. Only in muggle areas at that.
Harry had found her when he was around 20 years old. He had been raiding a tomb in North Africa when he had found her. He had been working as a curse breaker for Gringotts. It had been one of his lifelong dreams to work that job. Well, he hadn't known that until he did it, but yeah. He tried being an Auror, but curse breaking called to him harder. He found her on a job and since he was the only one who could speak to snakes in the entire bank, they'd let him keep her. Well that, and she threatened to kill anyone else that tried to touch her.
It had been a beautiful friendship ever since.
The two of them spent the rest of the morning planning about what they would do to make their stay more pleasant. Harry looked at the clock and noticed that it was five in the morning, and so they got ready for the day.
Harry was about to use magic to shrink his clothes to fit him, when Isobel reminded him that he was only 15, and couldn't do it without getting in trouble. He cursed his luck and contemplated calling a house elf, but he decided to hold off on that for a moment. He'd call Dobby later, when he had a better idea on what he remembered.
Harry went downstairs and started cooking breakfast for himself with the snake wrapped around his waist and up around his neck. She could lighten her weight at will by herself. It was part of her magic. It was something they had been doing for years and years. He was over 38 years old before he'd been sent back in time.
He had no idea how they got here. They had been about to die. He knew that much. They had been in another tomb, doing another curse breaking job, there was a boulder about to crush them, when there was a flash of light and suddenly, he was back in his bedroom at #4 Privet Drive. Fifteen years old and no clue as to how it happened.
Things have gone well after the fall of Voldemort, at least as far back as he can remember. They hadn't gone 100% well, but the muggleborn had gotten fair rights and other people had done well. There was peace and prosperity throughout the land for quite some time until another Dark Lord popped his head up and another war broke out. That had been around 15 years after Voldy had bitten the dust, but the new idiot had been a weakling and not something to worry about. And not something that Harry was responsible for, so he had just done his job and gone on with his life.
After the fall of Voldy, Harry had gotten back with Ginny but had not married her. They found they weren't compatible. That was when Harry discovered that he loved curse breaking, and Ginny discovered she didn't want to marry a curse breaker.
He had maintained his bachelorhood since, deciding that he preferred the life of adventure to the life of marriage. Once he had picked up Isobel when he was 20, he couldn't find a woman that had taken to the snake. Isobel didn't like any of his female companions either. Therefore, he maintained his bachelorhood.
That wasn't to say he didn't have his dalliances. She wasn't a cockblocker, per se, just a marriage stopper. He had plenty of short-term relationships and one-night stands. He always made sure that he didn't have any children from those liaisons. But he did have a good time. There were even some long-term relationships, but they didn't go very far because he never was one to give up his snake. Which seemed to be the demand of many of the women in his life.
But back to the present time, he was currently making his breakfast with the snake wrapped around his waist and neck. He could hear his relatives getting up and getting ready for their day. He knew that any moment now his Aunt Petunia would come downstairs and see him, thinking he was making breakfast for her family. Boy, would she be surprised.
As he heard her walk down the stairs, he plated his breakfast and sat at the table. He was currently eating when she came into the dining room.
"Boy, what do you think you're doing?" she screeched upon seeing him eating his fill at the table.
"Eating my breakfast," he said calmly, and just then Isobel poked her head from around his head. She hissed at Petunia.
The woman screamed bloody murder.
Harry was surprised the windows didn't break she was so shrill.
That caused Vernon to come running down the stairs as fast as his fat arse would carry him. It sounded like a herd of buffaloes falling down the stairs.
"What is it, Pet?" he called as he came bumbling down the stairs.
"Snake! A snake!" she screamed, waking the entire neighborhood, Harry was sure.
"Where!? Where!?" the lard ball called, still tumbling down the stairs.
"The freak! The freak! The freak has the snake!" was the shouted answer, complete with finger pointing.
Harry just sat calmly eating his breakfast as the snake hissed and swerved her head back and forth in a mesmerizing way.
Petunia by this time, had her back against the wall. She had a terrified look on her face and was pointing at the snake hissing at her.
Vernon came barreling into the dining room with a shotgun. He pointed it at the freak and his snake and was about ready to pull the trigger when Isobel petrified him. That caused Petunia to screech even further.
"What did you do to him, you freak!?" she screamed, all but jumping up and down in anger and fear.
"I didn't do anything to him," said Harry, putting some eggs in his mouth. They were good. He was a damn fine cook. He was sure it was the seasoning.
"You and your freak snake!? What did you do to Vernon!?" she screamed again, louder this time.
"I didn't do anything to him," repeated Harry, swallowing and this time getting some bacon. It was cooked to perfection. Just the right amount of crunch.
And that's when Dudley came hurrying into the dining room with a baseball bat. He was about to take a swing at Harry's head when Isobel froze him too.
That caused Petunia to scream even louder if that was possible. "Dudley!"
"Oh, do shut up," said Harry, putting his fork down and turning to her. "They're fine. Or they will be fine once I brew the potion to make them better."
"I knew you did something to them, you freak! Undo it! Undo it now!" she demanded, coming towards him, only to back away when Isobel hissed at her.
"I'll undo it when I'm damn good and ready," said Harry, leaning back in his chair, patting his tummy. "I'm sick and tired of you treating me like a house elf in this house, and there's going to be rules that need to be changed and it's going to start with these two being petrified."
"How dare you!?" she shrieked. "How dare you do this to us!?" She was trembling from head to foot.
"I could petrify you too," said Harry, looking at her with a flat face, while Isobel hissed at her again.
"You wouldn't dare," she said venomously.
"I would so," said Harry, lifting an eyebrow.
With that, Petunia looked at his face and realized that he would definitely petrify her and walk away.
"You can't do magic outside your school," she said. "You'll be expelled." She was much calmer now, though she was terrified. Her hysterics had run there course.
"At the risk of repeating myself, I'll say it again. I'm not doing anything."
Then she looked at the snake and realized that it was it that was doing the petrifying, and that the boy would not get in any trouble. Her eyes got even wider.
"If you want me to unpetrify your... men folk. Then I suggest you listen to me, and you listen well. I'm not going to do your housework anymore. I'm not going to be your bitch boy. I'm going to do what I want, when I want, where I want, and how I want. And you're going to leave me alone," he stated in a clear and concise voice.
"Now you see here, young man…" she started, moving forward only to move back when Isobel hissed.
"No, you see here," he said, cutting her off, not in the mood to listen to her vitriol. "You're gonna do as I say. Or these two are going to stay just like this for forever. There will be nothing any muggle can do to undo what Isobel has done."
"Well, that will blow your Statute of Secrecy right out of the water," she said, smugly.
"Do I look like I rightly care? They'll just be one of those strange mysteries that'll never be solved," he stated, just as smugly.
"You'll get in trouble with your government," she said.
"Again, I don't care."
She looked at his face and realized that he really didn't care. "Fine. I'll let you do what you want, but undo this to my men," she finally said, defeatedly.
"I need to go to the Alley," he said. "You're going to have to take me there."
"Fine," she said again, going to get her purse.
"I'm going to finish my breakfast first. Then I'm going to get dressed, and then you're going to take me to the Alley. I'm in no hurry to undo what Isobel has done. When I've fixed them, I suggest you have a long talk with Vernon and Dudley. And make sure that they understand that the rules have changed. And if I find them coming after me again, I'll petrify them again. And I could leave them there until I leave," he stated, looking her dead in the face.
"I'll make sure they understand," said Petunia, huffing that they weren't leaving now.
And with that, Harry turned back to his breakfast and started eating. While Petunia fretted over her two boys.
"Oh, by the way," Harry said, cutting up some potatoes, "what is the date?"
"It's 29th July."
"What year?"
"1995. Have you gone crazy?"
"No," was all he said, and he went back to his breakfast.
About three hours later, Petunia took him To Diagon Alley where he picked up the ingredients, he needed to make the Mandrake Restorative Draught. It wasn't cheap and it wouldn't be easy, but Harry had enough money, and he had talent. He found he had the talent after Hogwarts. He needed it to be a good curse breaker. Well, if he wanted to do his own healing that is. Which he did.
All alone in the jungle, you needed to know how to heal yourself of minor wounds. It was kind of mandatory.
He left Petunia in the car because he knew how much she didn't like magic, but she wanted to see it. However, he wasn't going to satisfy her curiosity about what Diagon Alley looked like after all these years. She could just stuff it for all he cared.
They went back to the house, and he brewed the potion, handed it to her and went to his room. He was going to wait until she had a talk with Vernon and Dudley. If they didn't take it well, he'd have Isobel petrify them again. And this time he'd leave them that way until he left for the summer. And then he'd let Vernon tell his boss why he couldn't come to work for the next few days. Maybe, he might give them a few warnings. Vernon was a bit of a hardhead.
He didn't know when the Dementors were going to show up. He knew it was sometime after his birthday. He had a vague notion of just staying in the house and letting them leave without him out there, but he also knew that it was slightly important that he let them find him. But he couldn't remember why.
He tried to remember what all went down in his fifth year, but all he truly remembered was Umbridge. Well, he remembered the Dementors, but that was all he remembered. He had a vague notion of flying across the sky, but he remembered doing that twice in his school years, so he couldn't remember which time this one was. He remembered the trial. But that was also a vague notion. And he knew it had to do with the Dementors.
Then he remembered the Horcruxes. He had to get rid of the Horcruxes, but he couldn't remember what they were, where they were. Then again, he never really knew where all they were anyway.
He knew there was no way he was going to break into Gringotts again. That just was not going to happen. There had to be another way to get the one out of Bella's vault. Sirius could get the horcrux out of Gringotts and the one out of his house. Those were two that Harry didn't have to hunt down.
And then he remembered Sirius was alive. That was something he was going to change. He was not going to let his godfather die again. He remembered him dying. He remembered the circumstances that led up to his dying. Survivors guilt was great for that. That happened this year too.
Which led him to remember the prophecy. But he didn't remember the prophecy word for word because he thought it was hooey in the first place. He doesn't understand why Dumbles and Voldy put so much faith in that damn thing. After all, it was given to them by a drunk and a fraud.
Still, was Isobel right? Did they let this play out the way it was supposed to, or did they change things?
He was going to let it play out the way he thought it should play out. And if things didn't go the way they were supposed to, oh well, he'd just wing it. He did things better when he winged it anyway. It's how he won just about everything.
So, into the breach he went.