"COME HITHER, faun," said the shaggy white lion as he crouched against the rug of Tumnus' grotto and shimmied his sexy majestic asss in the candle light. "You know ya want this piece of male beast. You know ya do..."

"I assure you I don't," said the fawn as he lifted a trembling limb up to his forehead and wiped a mat of sweat away, crossing his legs to prevent the onset of tumescence. "Aslan would kill me if I did it."

"Oh, but he's not here," said the white lion. "It's just you...and me...and Maugrim."

"I'm not here!" said the wolf from inside the bedroom. "And I'm not making love to this photograph of the faun, either!" Which of course meant he was, and he was doing so quite passionately and preparing to release the 500cc of his essence all over the frame. "Don't tell the Witch I'm here, or she'll freeze my ar—ar-oh, oh-OH, ASLAN!"

The white lion lifted his eyebrows in a titillated purr. "Well, he's having fun. Why can't we?"

"Please, Gabriel, just leave," said the faun as he slammed a fist against his leg in a feeble attempt to hit his crotch. "It would be improper. Asslan—I mean, Aslan—would kill me for it—"

But the white lion slunk across the rug and wagged his ass again (begging Tumnus [and the whole audience at home, and their mothers, and their fathers]) to wonder what sort of testicular fortitude was wagging about. "You can cross those pretty little legs all ya like, Tumnis, but we all know what yer packing down there. Just tell me and we'll get it over with: What are ya packing..."

The fawn sweated pulse of pure bliss went down to the fawn's groin, but with a look of steely fortitude that was steelier than steel, he whipped open the refrigerator and screamed, "CUCUMBER!" And with a mighty yell, he pulled out a cucumber whose wartiness and length resembled the manliest tumescence you could imagine and wagged it in front of the lion.

It was all terror and horror after that as the lion's eyes went blind and his mouth flew open in "OH, SWEET LORD ALMIGHTY!" And he turned about and fled out of the cave.

"Oh, Lion be praised," said the fawn, "I have succeeded in warding off the temptations of the angel of white!"

"Why yes you have," said a sonorous and lusty voice from behind. "And it's a good thing, too...because you should save some of that passion for your true affection..."

It was Aslan, the lover of loves, the lustiest of lion gods, and the Highest of High Kings (which was clear from the blunt hanging out of his mouth). "It is I, your true love, your King of Wood."

Tumnus fumbled over that sentence for a moment when he realized there was something missing. "You mean, King of THE Wood?"

Aslan gave him an annoyed growl, then cocked his head and said, "Well that too."

Tumnis inhaled a puff of that blunt smoke and said, "So ya forgive me, Asslan? For letting the She-Beast make off with the Daughter of Eve?"

"It will all be made right," said the Lion with a puff on his blunt. "After all, she is so annoying, going all MIFTER TUMNUFFFF! Oh, good Lord, I want to sew her mouth shut."

"Oh, you make me swell when you talk like that," said Tumnus in a sudden rise of his voice to a falsetto. "But are you certain you want to make out with the likes of me?"

"Why not? A Lion's got to have some fun in his world. Besides, I just gave Maugrim his jollies. I can do the same for you."

"Oh, Aslan, do, do, do!"

"My dear love," said the Lion as he pawed on Tumnus's chest and heaved forward to pin him to the rug. "It will be harder than you think..."

"Oh, lion!" said the fawn, and he and the Lion covered each other's face with kisses as he learned what it meant that the Lion was not safe but good.

And as holy and secular essence sprayed out of their swollen meatuses [or is it meati? I didn't go to school], Tumnus whipped his hand up to the counter and said the timeless word that sends every cat into a horror:

"CUCUMBER!"

"OH, GOOD EMPEROR-BEYOND-THE-SEA!" Aslan screamed as he hauled his swollen bollocks out of the grotto and into the bitter night.

the end

authors note: True story because I was there. Anyone who says its made up is a lying wanking radish.