Title: I Better Shape Up

Rating: K

Status: Complete

Spoilers: None but after the second movie

Archive: Wow, what an honor, hell yes, just drop a note first.

Feedback: Most definitely

Disclaimer: Here we go again… No copyright infringement intended, yada, yada, yada characters and show reference belong to their creator CC and 1013. No money so, I prefer you just read and enjoy.

Summary: Scully has left, and Mulder realizes he needs to shape up if he's going to be her man. (I know, cheesy but I watched a tribute to ONJ last night and thought of Sandy and Danny, so the title is an ode to Grease)

I jerked awake, and sat up in bed, covered in sweat, my heart pounding, racing as if I had just finished running. I reached for the light next to my bed, bathing the room with an amber ambience. I glance at the other side of the bed; well-aware it is still empty. I roll over grab the pillow that still holds what is left of her fading scent or least that's what I think and hold it over my face, allowing my tears flow freely, drenching it. I feel the warm, wetness against my skin, but I don't hold back, I finally allow my body to be racked with sobs knowing she left because of me. Because I couldn't get myself together, for her, or for us, I let her down.

My dream was vivid so clear, it unfolded in front of my eyes, and I was but a spectator.

Her hand out to greet mine,

'Agent Mulder, Dana Scully I've been assigned to work with you.'

'Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but you.'

'If I quit now, they win.'

'Then we believe the same thing.'

I kissed her aboard the Queen Anne, and she clobbered me with a right hook when I was expecting the left. I felt that punch for days. She was as beautiful then as she is now, I begged her to turn the ship around or I may not exist, and here I am. Our pardons, our sacrifices, our losses, our struggles, our passions...our son. The first time we shared a bed and didn't sleep, our passionate kiss standing over William. All these snippets played through my dream, nightmare as it were. I used to have them about Samantha, Scully always there to hold me until I fell back asleep but lately the nightmares are about her. My losing her, my stubbornness, my inability to see how my failure to take care of myself was slowly, silently, killing her until the day she could longer bear to see me abusing myself.

These nightmares have plagued my attempts at sleep for the last several weeks. I lay back on my pillow. I stare at the ceiling listening to the deafening quiet in the bedroom. Her steady breathing is gone, her warmth is gone, she is gone. I realize for the first time since she left, I have clarity, my thoughts clear, unobstructed, and true. It has been a month since the house went quiet, cold, becoming my prison. It was time for my rebirth I decided as I rolled out of bed. The sun was yet to rise, I looked at the clock 0500. She'd be getting out of bed now, probably taking a short run to start her day. She'd shower, grab coffee and her files dashing out her door and me, well, I padded downstairs and turned on the coffee maker, today was my day to be reborn.

While the coffee brewed, I went upstairs and looked in the mirror. My scraggly-ass beard made me look like a neanderthal. She liked it when I kept it trimmed but since she left, I hadn't touched a razor or a comb for that matter. I stared at my green eyes, they were tired and the dark circles under them made me look old and unkept. My once flat stomach had a small bulge, and my love handles were more like a muffin top. I always prided myself on my physical appearance not to attract women but to keep up with my health and I knew Scully loved my tall, fit frame. Why would she come back to me when I look like this. I had little doubt she gave me no further thought after she walked out our front door. I had not been the partner I promised her I would be.

I didn't fall down the proverbial rabbit hole, I found it years prior. I just made it bigger and then proceeded to crawl into it headfirst. The labyrinth led me deeper, and deeper. The farther I went the less I gave to her. She started working longer hours, leaving me to drink more, and care less. She stayed as long as she could. Now I realize if I want her back, I'm going to have to get my ass in gear and prove that to her, and to myself. I must admit things, deal with consequences, and get myself straightened out. I just hope I am not too late.

Scully is a beautiful, smart, captivating woman who has never had to look for male attention, they practically drool over her even when we were together, it was as if I didn't exist. Thinking of her with another man's arm around her, another man kissing her, touching her…., I had to stop. I went downstairs, grabbed my first cup of coffee and went back upstairs entering what used to be our bedroom, I wanted her back and my recovery starts today.

The nightmare that had woken me earlier was my bottom and I could feel the rock under my ass. It was time for me to get back to life, to her. I changed into shorts and a t-shirt, drank down the coffee, stretched out and decided to go on a two miler until I got back up to the distance of five. Once I was back downstairs, I pulled the prescription bottle out of the cabinet and read the directions for use. I would need 2 pills a day. Thinking there was no time like the present, I swallowed the first pill and walked outside a cool, brisk morning greeted me. I turned on the i-Pod and took off listening to The King sing about not being able to help falling in love.

I started slow, my legs were not used to running, I had become a lazy, depressed, self-loathing man. My lungs burned and at about half a mile the shin splints set in. I began to think two miles was a bit much for my first run in almost a year but, I decided the pain was just the start of my penance. Once I arrived back at the mailbox I ran as fast as I could towards the front steps. My legs and lungs were on fire but 'pain is good', it's just weakness leaving the body. I stopped before I hit the stairs and walked around the house a few times to cool down putting my hands on my fleshy hips thinking I hated the way they felt. I looked at the flowers Scully had planted in the beds around the front, reds, purples, yellows, pinks all blooming as if waiting for her to appreciate their beauty like she used to when she arrived or left our home. Even they looked depressed in her absence.

I stepped out of the shower, the cool air from the open window preventing a fog from forming on the mirror. I grabbed my electric razor and plugged the sink so the hair wouldn't end up in the pipes. The sink quickly filled with brown and grey hairs, I emptied the sink grabbing the shave cream and the real razor. The last time this razor was used it was in Scully's steady hand as she insisted on shaving me one Sunday morning before breakfast. Damn that was hot, having a sexy woman shave your face is something every man should experience at least once. We ended up in bed for hours forgoing breakfast, such a vivid daydream, I swear I could still feel her skin on mine. I kicked that thought out of my head but, when I did a shitty thought flew in. I began to wonder if Scully would ever think of shaving another man's face and with that, I nicked myself, nothing says amateur like a bloody face from a razor.

Three months later

I returned from my five-mile run feeling better than I had in a long, long time. I had gotten back to a flat stomach and a tolerable weight. I have been seeing a therapist for three months. I have moved through some issues clearing my guilt from Samantha, my parents and a continue to address other issues I have. I took my medicine every morning and evening as if my life depended on it because it did. I started a consulting business, and it was moving along very well with the help of Skinner, Reyes and Doggett giving out my name as a reference to agencies in need of alternative theories or input. I wanted to reach out for Scully, but I had to be sure of what I would say to her. We had exchanged a few text messages and a few photos, asking how the other was doing, leaving our communication lines open. I knew William's birthday was just a week away. I decided to go by the hospital, not knowing for sure if she would want to see me. The one day in the year that could drive her into complete solitude was that one but, he was my son too, I missed him and thought of him daily. It was a day we should be together to celebrate his birth, to celebrate him.

A week later

I walked into the hospital with a vase of red and pink roses and walked to her office on the third floor. The stairs gave me a few minutes to think about what I would say to her. I received a few stares and smiles as I walked down the corridor to her office. I wore her favorite clothes, my dark turtleneck, faded blue jeans, black hiking boots and my black leather jacket. She said I reminded her of Elvis when I wore this ratty old thing and if Scully liked these clothes, I was all for scoring points today. I turned the corner into her office but stopped as I entered. She was sitting behind her desk, her head was down, and she was reading something. I cleared my throat and she jumped, wiped her eyes, and raised her head. I could see she had been crying. She quickly folded the piece of paper and stuck it in the pocket of her lab coat. My eyes met hers, I turned and closed her door and strode over to her. She stood up watching me seemingly surprised. I put the vase down on her desk and wrapped my arms around her hoping she would not shrug me off.

I put my head on top of hers when she enveloped me with her arms. She held me tight, her face on my chest. I could feel her sobs, her small body jerking with the heaving cries coming from deep within her. I held her until her tears were used up. She pulled back from me and placed her hand on my cheek.

"My god Mulder when did you get here, why are you here, is everything alright?"

"I just got here Scully I wanted to see you today, I know it's William's birthday. I thought we could take a walk, have a chat, or just enjoy a cup of tea in silence. I think about him too you know; he's our son Scully time and distance will never change that."

"I know Mulder, I know it's just…he's ten years old today. Soon he'll be a teenager, dating, driving, graduating high school, then college and we have been there for none of it. I should have never given him up." She sighed and wiped her eyes again.

"Scully, you gave him up for his safety. I have never blamed you for that, I would have done the same thing. He's going to do all those things because you gave him a chance at life, a life without running or looking over his shoulder to grow up without fears or danger."

"I'm his mother Mulder, I carried him, bore him, fed him, and then I gave him away to strangers trusting they would raise a good man. I want to find him; I need to find him."

She turned and sat back to her desk. She pulled the piece of paper she had been reading from her lab coat pocket and handed it to me. The paper appeared to have been handled often, the folds well creased, and the paper wasn't crisp anymore. I carefully unfolded the paper and read it:

'Dearest Dana, I've resisted contacting you for reasons I know you continue to appreciate. But to be honest, some unexpected dimensions of my new life are eating away at any resolve I have left. I am lonely Dana, uncertain of my ability to live like this. I want to come home to you, to William.'

I folded the paper back up and gripped it tight, my throat tightened with emotion. "Scully you kept this?" I whispered. I couldn't help but feel the tears in my eyes as I walked to her.

"You sent this to me during the toughest time in our relationship. I read it when I need to remind myself, we have been through so much together. I was lonely too Mulder, but I had William and we wanted you with us. I made a vow to myself that when we found our way back to each other I would never leave your side again, and I did. I walked out on the only man I can ever imagine myself with. I gave up and ruined everything walking out on us. This note has kept me going during these last few months. I hoped by the time I got up the courage to see you and apologize I wouldn't find some strange car in the driveway."

"Scully, I am the one who let you down. I didn't hold up my end of our relationship. There is no one for me but you. I have made no secret about that for eighteen years. I slipped and drove you away and for that I am truly, truly sorry."

She walked to me and put her arms around my waist. "You look good Mulder, I'm glad you came by I've been thinking about you."

I leaned down to kiss her forehead. I know it sounds silly but her forehead is comforting to me, how many times did we rest them against each one another over the years. Our forehead kisses were one of the many unique ways we said I love you, and since Scully was not a public display of affection kind of woman, foreheads worked for us. I could smell her perfume; it was my favorite. Scully had a couple of perfumes I liked, each reminded me of a time or event that seared the fragrance into my mind. She didn't wear a lot of perfume in the field, but she wore it when we were in meetings or stuck in the office. This scent was what she was wearing the first time I met her in our basement office.

"I know you're busy Scully, and you know how I feel about God but, can we walk to the hospital chapel and light a candle for William on his birthday?"

She raised an eyebrow at me and smiled that shy smile I've come to appreciate. The one where she half turns away and looks down. "I'd like that Mulder. I am glad you are here, and we can do this together."

She surprised me by looping her arm through mine and we walked to the chapel in silence. Each of us lost in thoughts of our son, the love we shared that produced him and the deep, profound love we will always have for each other. We stood side-by-side next to the prayer candles. Scully picked up the long wooden stick so she could light it from the flame of another. She looked up and her eyes met mine I placed my hand over hers, we lit the stick and placed it into an unlit candle until the wick began to glow then burst into a flickering flame. We took out the stick and laid it down. I stood next to her with my head bowed letting her say a prayer for our now ten-year-old son while I simply asked the universe to take care of him. She took my hand into hers; it felt so natural and pure. We stood there for ten minutes a minute for each year of his life we have missed. She squeezed my hand letting me know she was ready to leave.

She went back to her rounds. I went home with her words whispered in my ear before I left 'the roses are beautiful, thank you'.

I invited Scully over for a drink later after her rounds tonight. She said she would stop by on her way home around 8:00pm. After my run I showered, but I didn't shave again. I know Scully likes my stubble so, I decided one night of stubble could be a good thing. I cleaned the house, I did laundry and put it all away. After putting clean sheets on the bed and hanging clean towels in all the bathrooms, I drove downtown and grabbed some of her favorite tea and two teacups so kitschy they were no doubt ceramic class rejects.

I saw the headlights hit the windows about 7:30pm. I noticed her this morning but it's hard to gaze at her with all the other doctors and hospital staff walking around. I was caught up in our thoughts about William. I looked up and saw her step out of the car. She was as beautiful as ever. Her red hair a little longer, hung down her back in a ponytail, her lithe body looking graceful even in scrubs. I opened the door and stepped aside; I invited her and took her jacket hanging it on the rack behind me. She slowly followed me to the kitchen looking around. I wasn't sure what she was looking for, but she was definitely looking for something.

"Sit down Scully tea is almost ready."

"Mulder you look good." I heard her but she was behind me and by the sound of her voice she was walking around. "What's going on around here, I don't see clutter or chaos."

I turned back around with the cheesy teacups in hand and saw her standing with her arms crossed. This woman does nothing that isn't sexy. I swallowed hard, the butterflies in my stomach fluttered and I nodded towards the couch.

"Sometimes change is good. Sit down after a long day on your feet a soft couch is better than a hard backed chair. Put your feet up Scully."

She propped her feet up on our coffee table and laid back closing her eyes. I could see she was tired. Pulling extra hours was her M.O. when she needed an escape, just like I did years ago. When her eyes flicked open, I could see the blue oceans were dark and tired. I handed her the teacup painted sappy purple and yellow with bumble bees on it not sure if she would find humor in it but, I did. She looked at the cup and looked at me, left eyebrow raised, left corner of mouth just slightly curved upwards.

"Is that a good thing?" I asked while rubbing my hand over my thigh.

"I like it." She smiled back at me. "Thank you for coming by today, it was a nice surprise. It is the hardest day of the year for me. I think about him every day. So, Mulder what have you been up to besides going to the gym and using your razor?"

"I don't go to the gym Scully I just started an exercise regime again and decided to get myself back into the land of the living."

"Well, you look much better." She drank her tea and kept eyeing me as if she was trying to figure all of this out.

"Scully you keep looking around, is everything okay?"

"Mulder" she sighed "Can we talk?"

"Whatever you want Scully." I didn't want to appear overanxious or giddy that she was here.

"Why did you ask me over tonight." She looked at me with an expression of hurt.

"I miss you Scully. I just wanted to spend some time with you, to see you."

"To see if you are over me, to see if you can move on?" She whispered hunching over her teacup, looking at the floor.

"What?" I was truly shocked. Scully should never have to ask about my feelings for her. She must know I love only her.

"Are you trying to tell me you are moving on?" She didn't look up.

I looked at her realizing she was serious. "Truthfully Scully I…"

"Why did you ask me here to tell me you found someone else. You meet me at the hospital, we light a candle for our son and now this." She stood up and hurt flashed across her face.

I stood up placing my hands on her shoulders which she promptly shrugged off. "Scully if that what you think you have it all wrong, I wanted…."

"Look around Mulder, the house is clean, you are taking care of yourself it shows, your beard is gone, the office is organized. Changes like this usually occur when a person moves on and cleanses themselves of something or someone."

I knew she was having a bed day, and this was just an overreaction to it. She was mad but seriously mistaken. I looked at her struggling to hold back my tears. The tears I never cried into her pillow at night. The tears meant only for us. Tears of the past, tears of the future, so many words of love unspoken, my eyes overflowed as much as I tried to hold them back. How could she think I could ever move on from her. Doesn't she realize all these changes were because I wanted her back. I wanted to be the man Dana Scully deserved an attentive, passionate, giving, stable man.

"Scully." I stood in front of her not wanting her to move from my touch again, so I kept my hands at my sides. "I did all of this for us. I woke up one day about four months ago and realized I let the most important person in my world leave because of my issues. Issues only I could confront, only I could move past and until I did, I couldn't be the man you deserve. I hit rock bottom Scully, that day I decided I was going to transform back into the man you fell in love with. You sacrificed everything for me and all I did was consume myself with guilt, self-pity, and worthlessness. You had every right to leave me. You made me realize I had everything, and I took it all for granted. So, I got out of bed, began running again, shaved my beard, went to therapy, and began taking the prescription medicine I so vehemently denied I needed. I didn't want you to see me until I thought you deserved to see me like this better, and healthier. I just hoped you hadn't found yourself a young, brilliant, doctor to take my place in your life." I let out the rest of my breath and dropped my shoulders.

"Mulder, you what?" She looked up at me. Her familiar, beautiful, face.

"I want you in my life Scully, I want us again, I don't want to lose you. You complete me, compliment me, challenge me. You are my constant, my best friend, confidant, my reason. If you don't want us anymore, I'll understand, I'll walk away and let you be. I just want you to be happy but, I am being sincere Scully I hope you're happiest with me, with us." I gazed into her beautiful blues searching for some answer, some sign of her thoughts.

She slowly stepped into me, her arms around my waist, head on my chest. I felt her inhale deeply and release her breath against me. Having her against me in my arms is a feeling I never tire of. I stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head. We stood there for what seemed an hour. She let go of me and walked through the house, room by room before she went upstairs, she turned to me and smiled. She reached out her hand and beckoned mine. I went to her, took her hand, and motioned for her to go first. I followed her up the stairs. She stepped into the guest room, she dropped my hand and walked around.

"I always liked the way we set this room up. The beautiful moss green we painted it, do you remember that adventure?"

"How could I forget Scully, we spilled the paint on the tarps, stepped in it, ruined two pairs of good shoes, and spent the next two days cleaning the stairs after we realized we tracked it on to them."

"I'm surprised you haven't painted over it yet." She said as she looked at me with that sweet smile of hers.

"I would never Scully, this room was a decision we made together, and I've come to love the color. You told me once you thought it matched my eyes. I think of you and the fun we had painting it."

"Like when you smacked my ass with the paint brush, and I couldn't sit down until it dried, or I changed clothes." she said, twisting our fingers together. The feeling of her small hand in mine always made me feel like I could do anything.

"Oh, I remember Scully, you did change your clothes, well we changed your clothes and it ended with us viewing our painted masterpiece from all angles." I chuckled.

I remember that afternoon like it was yesterday. I did smack her ass with the paint brush leaving the brush pattern on the material covering her left cheek. Needless to say, painting was over for the day and by the time we untangled ourselves from each other the paint brushes were hard with dried paint. It was the most fun we ever had making love. It was a carefree afternoon, the windows were open, a breeze was blowing, and we actually talked about the room having great potential as a nursery. It was the first time Scully mentioned it without becoming melancholy. I promised her I would do whatever it took if she wanted another child, adoption, foster, whatever she decided. She broke the spell I was under when she spoke in such a hushed tone, I almost missed it.

"Mulder, I've missed you too and us. My apartment feels like a hotel room. It isn't home to me, home to me is wherever you are. I've missed our home and everything we've done to it. Before you came to the hospital today, I had dreams you had found another, a younger woman. When we exchanged photos, I could see you were looking better, sounding better, losing weight, taking better care of yourself. It worried me but I needed you to be better for you, and I couldn't interfere with that. I was afraid if I came back too soon you would fall back into your funk. I can't watch you do that Mulder. I can't watch you slowly kill yourself, it destroys me to do that. I needed space to think, to decide, to let you make a choice no matter how painful."

"Come home Scully, it's what we both want, you can start by staying the night." She walked back into my space, and I held her close. I enjoyed the beat of her heart against mine, our souls reconnecting, her body radiating heat into mine. We stood there for minutes, she pulled back and stood on her toes, she grabbed my face in her soft hands and kissed me.

"I want to Mulder but, it's late and I need get home. I have early rounds tomorrow before several patients go to surgery."

"Okay Scully, come home whenever you're ready. I'll wait, you know that." I walked her down the stairs, as she reached for the car door handle, she turned, walking back to me as I stood on the walkway she kissed me again, deeper and with promise.

"Soon Mulder." She whispered into my mouth as she pulled back. She walked to her car, got in, shut the door and was gone.

1 month later

I was tired; I had taken a three-day trip to Baton Rouge to assist the FBI field office with a case that had nothing to do with the supernatural or the paranormal. It was an interesting case though, it reminded me of the case Scully, and I worked involving the disappearances of prostitutes. Just a revival church saving souls. The flight was long, and I swear every kid on board was having a bad day. I put on my headphones and worked on my report and my notes.

It was late when I turned into the long driveway, I saw the gate to the yard was open and her dark blue explorer was sitting just to the right of the walkway. Scully was here, tired or not, my heart skipped a beat. The house was dark and quiet, I walked inside and saw her jacket hanging on the rack. I looked around, everything looked the same except for the mug in the sink. I smiled, realizing she found the tea, right where she left it, and I could smell the lavender soap she used as I climbed the stairs.

I carried my travel bag upstairs and left it just inside our bedroom door. I looked at our bed and she was wrapped up like a butterfly in a chrysalis sleeping. I quietly walked to the bathroom to shower off the day and crept to the bed, climbing in as quietly as possible trying not to wake her. I lay there with my hands behind my head trying not to look over at her for fear she was a mirage. I could hear her breathing; it was so soothing and rhythmic. I shifted on to my side and couldn't help myself, I put my arm over her waist and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up to faint noises that were familiar yet unheard for so long, someone downstairs, it sounded like the coffeemaker was brewing the morning's magical, dark, potion I thank the universe for every single day. I also gave thanks for the woman who was downstairs making those noises reminding myself she chose to be here. I rolled out of bed, making my way to the bathroom to be presentable. As I walked out, she greeted me with a cup of the steaming elixir.

"Good morning, Scully."

"Why didn't you wake me when you got home last night Mulder?" She asked me as she moved in and kissed me.

"I didn't want you to leave." I said, not quite sure how far to push our conversation or if I should at all. I really wanted her to speak.

"I'm not leaving Mulder. I'm here to stay if you still want us. I'm ready to come back, to be with you."

"Are you serious, that's not really a question Scully. Of course, I want you to stay."

"This is home for me, if you're here, I'm home. It's you and me until the end." She said that as an absolute fact. She looked towards me like she needed reassurance, but it wasn't a question for me. "If you're okay with it, I brought my things with me. Just my clothes and toiletries Mulder; you know I left everything else here."

"I was hoping you did that because you knew you'd be back." My heart was all aflutter, pounding so hard in my chest I swear she could feel the vibrations through the floor.

She looked down I saw the faintest of that enchanting Scully smile, Maggie had the same one, come to think if it so did Melissa. Once again, I gave thanks to Maggie.

"Mulder, I missed you so much. I missed your craziness, your passion, I missed us, our life together. I am so happy you are doing better. I know you just recently started your medication and taking care of yourself but, I am ready to meet the challenges ahead. When you are not near me, I wither without you. I know we shouldn't be so dependent on each other, but I also know I am a much better person when I wake up next to you every day. I am a better doctor, I'm a better person, sharing a secret, staring into your green eyes, sharing a cup of coffee or tea with you or walking around our property, even our unique differences. I'm only half a person without you so, I guess if that makes me dependent, I have to own it."

"Where are your things Scully? We're both off today let's get them in here and we can relax and just enjoy our time."

"In my car, I didn't bring them in just in case you needed more time." She placed her hand on my shoulder and let it run all the way down my arm to my hand, she laced her fingers into mine and stepped into a kiss.

"See Scully, perfect fit." I kissed her back and went to her car, gathering her clothes and returning to her. "I'll put them on the bed you can sort them later.

How can a simple gesture like having the woman you crave like no other tell you she misses you and wants to come back make my heartbeat faster, make my steps lighter, the sun brighter and life fuller? I placed her clothes on our bed and set her overnight bag containing her make-up and hair products on her side of the vanity. I loved the way Scully pampered herself, but she didn't need all those containers of make-up. What is all this stuff, mascara, lipstick, eye shadow, base coat and what the hell is this. I opened the tube and squeezed it. A thick green paste came to the surface, but it didn't smell bad, almost like cucumber.

"Do you want me to show you how that works?" she asked, surprising me.

"Scully" I turned to her and spoke. "You don't need one tube, container, or jar of any of this stuff."

"Maybe not but it makes me feel good when I use it. You're a man Mulder you wouldn't understand."

"No, but I get it. It makes you feel prettier, younger, more attractive. Like I said you don't need it but if you want to use it or wear it, I get it."

Later that night as we were getting ready for our first official night back in the house as a couple I was lying in bed when Scully came out of the bathroom, turning off the light. She laid down and scooted over to me. I thought about how lucky I was she was back in our bed. I did good this time.