One-Shot: Joey and Monica Won't Back Down
Joey Tribbiani had been keeping secrets for so long, he was unsure who he was anymore.
Now that he was essentially acting as a double agent for both sides of his fractured friend group, he was even less sure of himself.
When he had first learned of how Chandler and Monica were seeing each other in secret, he had been shocked, but done his best to be supportive. Unfortunately, now that Rachel and Phoebe had uncovered the secret, the girls were playing games and expecting Joey to go along with it.
Monica and Chandler wouldn't reveal to the girls that they were a couple, while Rachel and Phoebe didn't want to reveal that they already knew Monica and Chandler were a couple. It was a game of one-upsmanship in which both sides were raising the stakes while leaving poor Joey trapped in the middle.
It was just more secrets for Joey to keep. If only that were all he was being pressured to do. Alas.
Now, Rachel and Phoebe, in an effort to get Chandler and Monica to crack, had enlisted Joey with the task of seducing one of them.
To the girls, it didn't matter which one - sometimes, Rachel and Phoebe still suspected that Chandler was gay. Plus, they figured that with Joey being an actor, he could be counted on to deliver a believable performance either way. That he was known by reputation for being a bit of a Lothario would only lend to selling the seduction.
While it was true that Joey was an actor, and had been known to try some pretty bold things to land a part (he'd even had to kiss another man for a screen-test audition once), Joey knew that even he was not a good enough performer to pass himself off as gay. If he had to pick either one of his friends to seduce, in a contest between Chandler and Monica, Monica won easily.
The assignment should have been easy enough, at least on paper. Joey had always thought of his across-the-hall neighbor as hot. Heck, he had actually tried to seduce her once before, the day he had moved into Apartment 19, the day they had met. It had been his own damn fault that Monica did not view the word 'lemonade' as a euphemism, thereby killing the mood and any chance with her.
But that incident had been some years ago, and Joey and Monica had developed a kind of platonic rapport in their friendship such that by now, they could both look back on their initial first meeting and laugh about it. Even while being quick on the draw with a well-placed, sultry, "How-you-doing?," Joey wasn't convinced that his smooth and flirtatious style would be viewed as genuine under the discerning eye of Monica Geller.
Yet Rachel and Phoebe were adamant: they had to win at this game that, in Joey's opinion, had stopped being a game a long time ago and get one of their friends to crack. If Joey was more comfortable with seducing Monica than seducing Chandler (and this was only barely in the case of the former), then Monica would have to be tempted.
Truth be told, Joey found the girls' machinations to be a little insulting. In his deeper thoughts – in those rare moments when he had them – he couldn't help but be offended on both Chandler and Monica's behalf. It was as if, in wanting to get one of them to crack, Rachel and Phoebe seemed to be implying their belief that neither of these two people could possibly be committed to each other. Monica was desperate to the point of promiscuity to achieve her life's mission of landing a partner and a family, whereas Chandler was too commitment-phobic to ever possibly have an exclusive relationship, let alone a marriage and all that came with it.
It was all almost too much for Joey. Almost, yet not enough for him to stand his ground and refuse to go along with this harebrained scheme. Rachel and Phoebe had cast him in this role, thinking that Joey could sell it if he went back to his skillsets: acting and flirting with anything that had a vagina, breasts, and an endocrine system. He had a role to play. So, however reluctantly, Joey would play it.
All the same, he decided to start small, at first. No one likes an actor who chews all the scenery. So, when leaving Apartment 20, he passed by Monica and whispered into her ear, in as sexy a voice as he could muster: "Bye, Mon. I miss you already…."
He bumped her hip with his in parting. A bolder Joey who believed more in the plan might have gone for swatting her on the ass, except he was fairly certain he didn't want to have his hand broken – by whom between the secret couple, Joey couldn't say. Still, from the glimpse he caught of Monica's jaw dropping as he strutted out the door, he might as well have slapped her on the ass.
The apartment door closing behind him allowed Joey to drop the façade, if only temporarily, like an actor walking offstage into the wings. He and the girls could hear frantic and heated whispering from Chandler and Monica on the other side of the door; from her tone, it seemed that Monica – while flustered – appeared to take Joey's flirtation as a kind of challenge.
Which, Joey realized with dawning horror, was probably exactly what Phoebe and Rachel were banking on: Monica Geller could never turn down a competition.
Still, it left Joey shaken when Monica later appeared receptive to his advances, suggesting that she meet him later over at his apartment for drinks. This prompted a strategy session between Joey and the girls inside his room.
"She was talking about coming over and having me rub lotion on her!" Joey whimpered. He couldn't exactly put into words why this was leaving him in distress – ordinarily, if a girl had offered to come over to his place and do kinky stuff like rub lotion on him, Joey would have the bottle uncapped and squirting before you could say 'lather.' "Am I gonna have to get naked?" Again, in any other situation, this wouldn't be a problem, but given that it was Monica….
"You are not backing out of this now, Joey Tribbiani!" Phoebe warned him darkly. "If she wants you to get naked, you get naked! Now, what kind of underwear do you use?"
Joey gawped at her. "What kind of a question is that?!"
"Joey…"
"OK, OK! Uh….. I dabble. Boxers and briefs."
"No. No briefs!" Rachel was already shaking her head adamantly. "Mon's afraid of briefs – can't work them!" So saying, she proceeded to throw down Joey's pants, belt and all, to reveal a rather unflattering pair of tightie-whities.
Joey was actually too impressed to be embarrassed. "Wow, you didn't even jam the zipper…."
Rachel merely smirked. "Not my first time, sailor."
To add to the indignity, Rachel and Phoebe made Joey discard his pants in favor of answering the door in his briefs. They even tried to make him divest of his shirt too, though Joey fought them on this.
Joey actually felt his palms sweating as he answered the door at Monica's knock. Her gaze raked up his body once, appraising him with a lifted eyebrow, and her cheeks turned pink at seeing him in his briefs.
"….. Monica." Joey greeted in what he hoped was his best seductive voice. Don't over-act, he coached himself.
"…. Joey…." Monica dipped her head deferentially. She was smirking, and in such a manner that Joey started to feel clammy as he wondered just how much of this was acting on her part. If it was fake, Monica was doing a damn good job of making it sound believable. She should be an actress.
Monica poured from the glass of champagne she had brought over. They both drank a little too deeply from their glasses, but neither commented on it.
"Nervous?" Joey asked her. He certainly was. What the hell was wrong with him? A beautiful woman here in his apartment and he was nervous?
A kind of glint twinkled in Monica's eye. "No. I think we both know we've been waiting for something like this to happen…." There was a kind of purr in her voice; it made Joey unconsciously gulp.
"Me too….. I'm very happy we're going to have all the sex," Joey tried to rumble seductively. He turned to put on some music. When he glanced back, he blinked in befuddlement at how Monica was now pressing the cold bottle of champagne to her cheek and rubbing it there awkwardly. She kept looking at Joey as if expecting him to know or understand some subliminal messaging behind whatever it was she was doing.
When no response was forthcoming, Monica finally put the bottle of champagne down, her cheeks turning pink. She seemed to snap herself back into whatever persona she was adopting, studying Joey through half-lidded eyes. "Well….. I suppose we shouldn't waste any time….."
So saying, she proceeded to pull her bright orange sweater over her head, revealing nothing but her bra underneath. Joey fought to not ogle her rack. Monica leaned against the kitchen countertop in what she clearly thought was a provocative pose, licking her lips. "Your turn….. lover….." Her tongue lolled out on formation of the 'L' sound.
Joey stripped off his T-shirt, revealing his bare chest. He was naked now except for his briefs. Not to be out-done, Monica shimmied out of her pants, stepping out of them so that she was now in nothing but her undergarments.
This was, by far, the most awkward, most pathetic foreplay Joey had ever seen or participated in. The experienced lover and horn dog in him would have slapped himself.
Joey and Monica drifted closer, staring each other down. Was it just his imagination, or was she trembling?
"Well….. I suppose if we're going to….. have all the sex, we'll have to…. kiss…." Joey reasoned out quite lamely.
Monica nodded slowly. "Yes. We will. Our first kiss…."
Joey tried not to cringe. In any other context, literally any other context, he would have not been at all bothered by an opportunity to kiss Monica Geller, but now looking into her eyes, she now betrayed the look of a prisoner being walked to her execution at the guillotine.
Joey and Monica leaned in, puckering their lips awkwardly. Neither one of them seemed willing to close the final gap, so their lips just hung there. Joey could feel himself shaking – man, there really was a draft in here! After all, he was standing in nothing but his underwear….
Suddenly, he thought he heard a noise coming from behind the closed door of the bathroom. Just as he turned his head at the sound, Monica quite abruptly grabbed his skull in her hands, smashed his lips down onto hers and kissed him.
This….. felt….. wrong. So wrong!
So wrong that Monica could barely hold the kiss for a second or two before she was leaping back as if burned. "OK, OK, enough! I admit defeat! You win!"
She was full on trembling now, and from how he blinked, she could tell that Joey noticed how she was suddenly crying. Kissing him made her so uncomfortable, enough that it actually brought her to tears.
"I was that bad, huh?" Joey quipped. He should have been offended, yet from how the tears were now streaming down Monica's face, he couldn't help but have his heart go out to her.
Monica weakly made a face. "It's like I'm kissing my brother." Joey pursed his lips and shrugged, conceding her point. The thought of Ross and Monica kissing truly painted a horrible picture.
"Joey, I'm sorry, but in case I didn't make it clear just now, I can't have sex with you!" Monica whimpered. Even just doing what she had done, kissing Joey…. She had felt…. unfaithful, somehow.
"Why not?"
"BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH CHANDLER!"
Joey staggered back, mouth agape. "You're…. you're what?!" At his left, he suddenly heard the turn of the knob and the bathroom door opened, revealing a stunned Chandler. He had been here the whole time. Had the poor guy overheard everything, and worse, seen his sexual partner kissing another man?
Tears still streaming down her face, Monica now suddenly started laughing. "I know!" Her smile was suddenly blinding, as if in speaking the words she had finally been set free. "I love him!" she chirped happily, utterly giddy. Her gaze, adoring and lovesick, now turned to Chandler, who was grinning goofily as he floated towards her. No one noticed Rachel and Phoebe emerging from Joey's room, slack-jawed in disbelief.
Monica looped her arms about her lover's neck. "….. I love you, Chandler…."
Chandler beamed down at her. "I love you too, Monica…." Eyelids drooping heavily, he leaned in, drew Monica close and kissed her. She melted immediately, swooning in his embrace, nearly collapsing and Chandler caught her at her waist, holding her gently as she kissed him back.
Joey watched them embrace and kiss; he couldn't help but feel happy for them. "….. Dude…! When you guys said you got it on in London, I just thought you guys were doing it! I didn't know you were in love!"
Chandler and Monica dreamily broke apart, smiling into each other's eyes. She leaned against Chandler's chest, nuzzling him, Chandler resting his chin on her head as he smiled down at her with adoration. No one with eyes could doubt what these two felt for each other. Joey observed how Rachel and Phoebe were shooting each other guilty looks.
If Monica resented being placed into an awkward position with one of her best friends, she didn't show it. "And what a stellar performance by Mr. Joey Tribbiani! I'd review it as the best of his career!" She made a show of giving him a round of applause; Joey bashfully took a bow. A beat, and then Monica added: "….. By the way, your briefs are still showing."
"God!" And though he normally didn't bother with such modesty, Joey now couldn't pull his pants back on fast enough when Rachel sheepishly handed them to him.
Chandler and Monica remained at rest in each other's arms, making lovey-dovey eyes at each other, and there was such tenderness in their expressions, it was as if their friends weren't even in the room. For Joey's part, as he watched his best friends kiss again, he could feel nothing but a sense of relief. "Finally! Now everybody knows!"
Rachel was biting her lip. "Well…. there is one person who doesn't know…."
As if on cue, Ross came bursting into Apartment 19. "Where's everybody been? I'm over at Mon's and the place is…. empty….."
Too late, Chandler and Monica broke apart, their arms still around each other, both of them now sporting deer-in-headlight looks as Ross took in the sight and stopped dead, jaw unhinged.
Monica sent him a weak smile that was actually more of a grimace. "….. Surprise….."
Ross's eyes took in the sight before him on a swivel: his kid sister (in nothing but her undergarments, no less!) and his oldest and dearest friend, wrapped in each other's arms. Joey, devoid of a shirt. While both at least fully clothed, Rachel and Phoebe were now looking anywhere but at him, avoiding the eyes of everyone else in the room.
There was a long, pregnant silence. And then Ross broke into an insane grin. "My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this!"
Chuckling weakly, Chandler accepted his best friend's hug as Ross threw his arms around the happy couple. "You, uh, you guys probably want to get in here too, huh? Big news!"
Rachel grinned tightly. "Nah, that's OK, we've actually known for a while."
"What?" Ross yelped, his tone quickly dropping into something low and dangerous, causing Monica and Chandler to freeze against him. "You knew? You all knew and you didn't tell me?!" Monica's big brother seemed on the verge of flying into a rage.
"Well, Ross, we…. we were worried about you! We didn't know how you were going to react!" Rachel winced.
Ross glanced from her, to his half-naked baby sister, to his best friend Chandler, and back again. Monica cringed.
"I didn't want you to find out this way…."
Ross appraised her up and down, hissing. "Neither did I…." His voice was almost a squeak. Glancing down, Monica let out a yip, leaping out of Chandler's arms and all but diving for her discarded pants and orange sweater. Ross turned away, shaking his head, only to get a rather unencumbered view of Joey's bod.
The paleontologist made a disgusted face. "Oh, get a shirt on before you poke someone's eye out!"
Joey pulled his T-shirt back on, flushing crimson. Glancing up, he was flummoxed by Monica hugging him around the neck. She drew back with an awkward smile.
"Sorry."
Joey just grinned back. "It's OK. Honestly? You and he look better together anyway. And…. for what it's worth…. Kissing you feels like I'm kissing one of my sisters."
Monica smiled, hugging him platonically again.
Ross looked baffled. "Will someone please explain to me what the hell is going on?!" he bawled.
Rachel and Phoebe glanced at each other, stepping forward to help Ross across the hall, promising in hushed tones that they would explain everything.