Poker Chips And Cookies
Summary: Somehow, being a person literally created from the Book is not the strangest descriptive one of Dazai's guests have had so far. The ADA is losing all hope for humanity at this point. Sigma just came for the cookies.
Part 6 of Dazai's Strangest Guests
After the last few hellish weeks, the Armed Detective Agency weren't sure they can afford another of Dazai's crazy acquaintances making an appearance, but Kyouka and Atsushi were rather happy when the former Sky Casino Manager Sigma timidly knocked on the Agency's doors before poking his two-colored head of hair in.
Dazai, especially, was very delighted to see his new friend. "Sigma!" The brunet exclaimed, trying to get up out of the wheelchair Yosano had quite literally buckled him to, not that such a thing would stop him, but the doctor herself had glued herself to his side to make sure he was making a swift and safe recovery, so she pushed him back into it before he could bound over to the newcomer. "You finally came!"
Sigma just gave a shy, begrudgingly fond smile to the man. "Hello, Dazai-san. It's good to see you are doing better these days."
And really, despite temporarily being stuck in a wheelchair, Dazai's rough and tumble in Meursault could have had a much more dangerous, much more tragic end. One of his feet had been almost shattered while his other leg had been broken in two places, though thankfully not the thigh where he would have been at risk to bleed to death had the fracture or bone fragments penetrated the big arteries and veins there. His spine had miraculously gone undamaged and even his arms had been spared, though his shoulders had been both dislocated and then there were the bullet wounds there, too. Worst of all, he'd almost gotten a bullet to the head, by his own vampirised partner, no less, while Chuuya was under Fyodor's control.
The only reason it hadn't happened was because Rimbaud and Verlaine had arrived in time to not only stop him, but also capture Gogol and steal the antidote from him and then keep the two deadly members of the Decay of Angels trapped inside of Illuminations. Verlaine had wrestled Chuuya into submission with some difficulty once Rimbaud had them in his dimension, tilting the rules in his partner's slash lover's favor against the younger, vampirized gravity manipulator until things back in Yokohama finally were settled, AKA Koda Aya managed to free Bram Stoker from Fukuchi's control by yanking out the Holy Sword. The older partners had then led the final escape after they fetched Sigma from the surveillance/control room to the jet Adam Frankenstein had prepared for them while a now back to normal Chuuya had fussed over and cursed at his partner for letting things get so out of hand even if they had known the plan was risky from the start since they were basically going up against a Russian, greasier Dazai.
Still, they had gotten a medical team on the jet to stabilize Dazai while they sped towards Yokohama, arriving just in time for Chuuya, Verlaine and Rimbaud to pound Fukuchi into the ground, Illuminations rendering Shintō Amenogozen all but useless in the wake of Rimbaud's control over his subspace's very reality, Fukuchi's bodily Hunting Dog enhancements unable to compare to the examples they were modeled after. Meanwhile, Adam had fetched the One Order and brought it to Dazai to nullify the given order just in time to stop an all out war meant to wipe out all nations in supposed hopes of ending all wars. That's around the time Sigma woke up and he was just in time for the celebrations.
Sigma's been busy in the past week or so as he revealed everything he'd learned from Dostoevsky when they'd touched in Meursault so this was the first time he got to visit Dazai at all and finally see what the Armed Detective Agency was all about. He certainly wasn't expecting such a warm welcome as a former member of a terrorist organization, but Atsushi outright tackled him in a hug and blubbered about being glad he survived while Dazai beamed at him and waited for him to come over so they can catch up. He certainly looked better while not battling poison in his bloodstream and stressing over his partner's overall well-being while under Dostoevsky's control.
"So you're the guy Dazai said helped him escape?" Kunikida looked him up and down, scanning for threats or ill intent as Sigma gulped under such a harsh stare, before Kunikida softened upon finding him harmless. "Thank you for looking out for that idiot. He has a great tendency to get into trouble and often drags others after him."
"That's so mean, Kunikida-kun~!"
"Shut up, Dazai, you had us all worried sick," Ranpo said around a cookie in his mouth while Mushitaro - who often liked to visit since everything ended - scolded him for his manners and Poe - who was almost glued to the hip with Ranpo these days - hovered protectively, worried he might choke. "Hey, Sigma, right? Here!" He tossed a homemade packet of cookies at the dual-color haired male. "Dazai's grandmother sent these today. They're made by her one hell of a butler, the guy's so super hypercompetent that he's almost inhuman and his food is to die for."
"Oh, you mean Mr Sebastian? Yes, I met him, actually! Tsushima-sama, too. She's been lobbying for the rebuilding of my Casino, so I'm very grateful to her. I didn't know you two were related, Dazai-san," Sigma commented as he tore open the packets and immediately dived in with a thanks to Ranpo for the treat. He had, after all, tasted Sebastian cooking and baking prowess before. He knows it's good. "And really, Dazai-san, you had me worried, too. You almost died on multiple occasions and yet you still insisted on throwing yourself into more danger. It's normal people who care about you worried."
Dazai pouted. "But I was fineeee~"
"Dazai, the fact that you're alive at all is a miracle," deadpanned Yosano. "Sakaguchi-san nearly had an ulcer when he found out your state after you apparently stopped sending him messages with your heart! Your grandmother is on a warpath against the government, may whatever god that may exist bless their souls as they are burning in the hell that woman throws at them. The entire Port Mafia is subduing any criminal activity that might require your attention with Mr Fancy Hat, Akutagawa and Rimlaine leading the charge-"
"Really? That's what you settled on? Rimlaine?" The injured brunet scoffed. "The two most powerful Trascendants, a partnership that might match Soukoku, and you chose Rimlaine?"
"Don't shame my ship, oi!"
Dazai gave an over-dramatic wail when she very, very, very - Chuuya had been very, very, very clear on what would happen should even a single strand of Dazai's hair be out of place at the end of the day, after all - lightly 'slapped' him over the head. "Abuse! You are abusing an injured person! For shame, Yosano-sensei!"
"Yeah, yeah. Save the dramatics for Mr Fancy Hat."
"Are you perhaps talking about Nakahara Chuuya?" Sigma asked, catching onto the strange nickname.
Kenji immediately beamed around the red paprika he was eating. He quickly swallowed the huge chunk he had in his mouth, prompting Kunikida to scold him about being more careful while he eats, which the littler blond ignored in favor of talking about his favorite mafioso. "Yes! He's so cool! He can walk on walls and ceilings without his hat falling off!"
Sigma sweatdropped. "Y-yes, I'm aware. He was our opponent for a while because of the vampirism."
Yosano winced. "Damn. GG on still being alive, though. He's a tough opponent to have."
"You have no idea, especially with Dazai-san around."
The woman immediately caught on to that very specific I'm So Done™️ With Dazai Osamu's Mere Existence tone. "Oh? Spill the tea!" Ranpo also perked up, green eyes trained on Sigma.
The lilac-and-white haired man blinked in confusion. "I-I don't have tea, though?"
"It's slang, Sigma," Dazai informed him. "It means to tell others the gossip you have. Y'know, spill the tea, sip the gossip? Though I doubt your refined clientele used such language around the Sky Casino much."
"I'll go get us all some drinks," Naomi announced, tugging Junichiro after her. "Everyone, the usual? Dazai-san, tea or hot chocolate? The Mister has been refining his tea brewing skills just for you."
"I guess I can try it ... "
"Anyway, you were saying, Sigma," prompted the doctor.
"W-well, it's just that the whole thing in Meursault felt like this huge gay pentagon drama," the man said with a sigh.
"What!?" A flustered Atsushi and Poe and a So Done™️ Kunikida and Mushitaro shrieked.
Dazai suddenly started to sweat. "Hey, guys, aren't you, you know, more interested in the fact that Sigma's only three years old? And that he was somehow created by the Book? Or that he wants to join the Agency even though he'll still run the Casino? You know, kind of like the thing with Katai-kun-"
"No, your gayass crush on Mr Fancy Hat is far more important," Ranpo interrupted, pulling out a phone and starting a video call. Within a few seconds, Tsushima Kiye and Sebastian appeared on the screen as Ranpo set up the phone to point directly in Dazai direction. "Continue, Sigma-kun!"
"Oba-san~! Please take my side!"
"Well, if only you'd let me meet that partner of yours already, I wouldn't have to side with Edogawa-kun right now, now would I, Osamu-chan~"
"Right, so, continue, Sigma-san," Kyouka also insisted, also holding her phone up and Dazai had a bad feeling she was live-streaming it to Kouyou as they speak.
"Can't this-"
"No," everyone, even Atsushi, said in sync and instead urged Sigma to talk.
"Well, it really was a gay melodrama about a pentagon love story. It all started, from my point of view, anyway, with Dostoevsky and Gogol, because they have this strange, twisted crush on each other or something, though Gogol was more obsessed with Dostoevsky; meanwhile, Dostoevsky had a thing for Dazai-san, which might be even more obsessive and twisted than whatever feelings Gogol has for him. Meanwhile, Dazai-san and Nakahara Chuuya had their own little corner-"
"You're really exaggerating everything, Sigma-"
"Oh, I'm really not. I was present for all three of your gayass love speeches and that-"
"Gay love speeches? Tell me more!" Demanded Naomi as she and her brother returned with the drinks. "I can't believe we almost missed out on Dazai-san's love life!"
"Can I please leave? I don't want to listen to this," Poe begged in a whisper and Mushitaro had already tried to leave, but Kunikida held him hostage.
"If I have to suffer through this, then so do you," the idealist said darkly and Poe might have released a singular sob. Mushitaro just accepted his fate and his tea. Ranpo gave a halfhearted attempt at comfort to his boyfrie- I mean rival but he was too invested in the gossip to really bother.
"Any details you can spare?" The greatest detective asked with a grin.
"Well, the first was the admittance that Dazai-san has been thinking of Nakahara Chuuya for the past seven years."
"Don't take away the context!" Squaked Dazai. "I've been thinking up ways to kill him for seven years! Ways to kill him!"
"Verlaine-shishou says you admitted to him that you've spent an entire year, day and might, awake and asleep, thinking about Chuuya-san when you were sixteen," Kyouka informs them.
"That traitor!"
"Then there was that farewell to Nakahara Chuuya," Sigma continued.
"Sigma~!" Dazai whined next. "Come on, I thought we were friends! I saved you from Meursault! I talked with the President to have you become an Agency member!"
"I'm rebuilding his Casino," Lady Tshushima said smugly. "Continue, Sigma-kun."
"The betrayal!"
"I can't remember it word for word, because I spent half of it cringing in secondhand embarrassment-"
"Oh, but you know that slang, do you!?"
"-but he mentioned the seven years again. And some special moments when their hearts reached out for each other or something?"
"Dang, Dazai, coming on strong, huh," teased Yosano.
"But he had to be an asshole in the next second and to deny the existence of such moments while he was drowning Nakahara Chuuya and Dostoevsky-"
"Dazai-san!" Scolded Atsushi.
"Et tu, Atsushi-kun? Et tu!?"
"Then, later, Dazai-san had this really ticked off expression after Dostoevsky returned the favor in an elevator while calling Soukoku's bond shallow-"
"Boi-!" Came an aborted, enraged sound from Kyouka's phone. They all elected to ignore it. Whoever it was on the Port Mafia's side, the Agency plus Sigma, Kiye and Sebastian didn't want to know.
"And, well, I heard the third one when I cornered Dostoevsky in the control room after Dazai-san saved me from the elevator fall. Though, bare in mind, I was barely hanging onto consciousness when that last speech was made, so it's all a bit hazy ... But Dostoevsky has sent Nakahara Chuuya after an injured Dazai-san to finish him off, and, well, it started off with Dazai-san taunting Nakahara Chuuya to punch him, but Dostoevsky prevented that so Dazai-san doesn't nullify Stoker's Ability. Instead, when Nakahara Chuuya had him at gunpoint, I think pointing at the head?"
They all looked to Dazai who, resigned, nodded.
"Well, Dazai-san suggested moving words would snap him out of it?"
"Oh, I tried that with Akutagawa! It didn't really work. He kind of only just hesitated for a second ... What?"
"We'll talk about Shin Soukoku's gayassness later. Sigma-kun, finish the damn story," asserted Yosano and Sigma gulped but nodded, not wanting to anger the strong-willed woman.
"He asked Nakahara Chuuya to come to his senses and then said something about how their fate wasn't destined to end in a place like that. In fact, I think I remember the last line unfairly well. Like, PTSD levels of reluctant perfect memory."
"Oh? Do tell!"
"Right, so, it was all ... 'You and I are indelibly fated-' ... "
"What!?" Yosano demanded impatiently. "Fated to what!?"
"It's indelibly fated, Yosano," corrected Ranpo.
"What is indebibly?"
"Indelibly," Poe gently corrects Kenji before explaining. "It means in a way that cannot be removed or forgotten or changed, making or leaving marks that can't be erased. I guess you can say it's also memorable, lasting, unforgettable, permanent."
"Oh! Well, that's a very pretty word!"
"Very powerful, too," Tanizaki added as everyone stared at Dazai but he did not meet anyone's eyes.
"So, indelibly what?" Yosano demands once again but all Digma can do is scoot away from her and shrug.
"Dazai-san never finished his sentence, because that's when Nakahara Chuuya was ordered to kill him but was stopped by that French gay couple, which also, by the way, just added to the gayness of the gay melodrama."
"But hey! As fun as that all is, you were wrong about the love pentagon! There are only four people involved!" Naomi huffed and Sigma looked like he was questioning her priorities in life.
Still, he elaborated. "Oh, well, that would be because of Soukoku's apparent beef with soulmatism, I think is the right word? In short, they're both in a very close relationship with denial ... Or at least they were."
"Don't," Dazai warned in as close as he could get to the Demon Prodigy's intimidation-you're-about-to-be-tortured-to-death voice while there's a fierce blush on his cheeks and ears.
"Do," insisted everyone else, including Kiye and Sebastian from Ranpo's phone and at least Kouyou and Verlaine from Kyouka's phone, though Dazai doesn't doubt Mori and Rimbaud had also joined the call, probably even Hirotsu, too.
Dazai buried his face in his hands and cursed Natsume; this was all his fault, if only he had listened and not let the government keep the Page, none of this nonsense would be happening right now. Then again, he's probably hooked up to this conversation somehow, too, and he's getting his kicks out of Dazai's misery, the cat bastard.
"Well, when I woke up at the airport, after Fukuchi was defeated and caught in those glowing yellow Ability box thingies and everyone was celebrating ... Well, Nakahara Chuuya was holding Dazai-san in a princess carry while he was still holding onto the One Order over his stomach and they were ... kissing! Like, full on out making out! Tongue and everything!" Sigma finally squealed and the office turned into chaos, everyone yelling at each other as they finally got the full picture of Soukoku's complicated feelings towards each other and their insane situation. Poe was even writing down notes! For which he got a side-eye from Mushitaro, mind you, and an interested glance from Ranpo. But hey! Kunikida didn't even faint! Even he was too invested in the gossip to be scandalized by the frolicking with the enemy.
Dazai just suffered in his corner and wondered whether he should cancel his order of a vintage, one of a kind, specialized poker set he'd wanted to gift Sigma until Fukuzawa, who was who knows where all this time, took pity on him and wheeled him out of the Agency.
Chuuya was waiting for them outside, so apparently he was being bothered at work about their getting together, too. He just reassured Fukuzawa he'll take good care of Dazai before they were off in his car.
"This is the worst," Dazai sulked as they drove towards one of Chuuya's private, secret safe-houses no one but they knew about. "The absolute worst."
"You're telling me," grunted Chuuya. "We didn't even get to go on a single date before everyone was on our asses! Osamu, I had Akutagawa threaten me if I don't treat you right! Akutagawa! And I don't even want to know what my brother, Arthur or Hirotsu-san will say! I'm still traumatized by the safe sex talk Adam tried to give us when he saw us kiss! And Rimlaine were there, too! Why are they freaking out!?"
"They were a bit busy themselves, chibi. And I thought we agreed we'll never speak of That Adam Moment ever again." Dazai shuddered. "Thank goodness he's back in Europe already. And I'm not looking forward to a shovel talk from Ane-san, either." He paused, thought about it, before shrugging. "By the way, my grandmother wants to meet you."
Chuuya very nearly crashed the car.
"Your WHAT!?"
OWARI