Author's note:
This chapter contains references to the musical ''A Very Potter Musical''.
"Dear students, it is with great pleasure that I announce that I'm gay"
"Everyone knows," Said McGonagall with a roll of her eyes,''You have a picture of Grindelwald in your office. And certainly, not an appropriate picture for other people to see. It's very… suggestive''.
Dumbledore gave her a piercing stare
"U don't get to say his name, you Scottish slag!"
The students stared at them confused. McGonagall gave him a dirty look, her eyes turning to slits but stayed silent.
''Well, I think new decorations would be appropriate'' and with a move of his wand the Great Hall was decorated with pride flags, ''Gay is in, gay is the way. That is why I'd like to introduce you to the new addition to Hogwarts. Please welcome the Scarf of Sexual Preference''.
"Please, just Scarfy is fine" The rainbow scarf blushed and bowed to the students
The students clapped, still confused, and not sure of what to make of recent developments. Except…
''Finally!'' exclaimed Malfoy, clapping the loudest, ''I have a confession to make as well. I'm-''
''No one cares, Malfoy, you little shit. Sit'', said Dumbledore glaring at him, ''This is my moment, ok? Thank u. Stop trying to steal my spotlight''. Malfoy looked down and said: ''This is why I prefer Pigfarts. Besides, it's on Mars''.
The Gryffindor table erupted with applause. And someone yelled, ''Yes, Malfoy. Fuck off''.
"I think this is a good thing," said Hermione Granger "Too many of us still haven't accepted our…''
"Shut up Hermione!" Ron and Harry said in unison then turned to each other with a grin and high-fived. Hermione huffed, crossed her arms, and turned her body away from the pair.
''Red vine?'', asked Ron.
''You know it'', said Harry with a grin.
"Now we will begin the sorting of preferences…"
''Is this really necessary, headmaster'', said Snape cooly.
''Absolutely, Severus, you handsome devil''.
Snape blushed and his eyes widened. He recoiled back into his seat silently.
''You should go first, Severus, we are all dying to know…''
''No!'' but it was too late, Dumbledore had already put the scarf around his neck.
''Lily Evans!'' yelled the scarf. ''He really has it bad for her''.
Harry's mouth dropped and the half-chewed Red Vine fell from it. The rest of Hogwarts houses turned to look at Harry, who went sickly pale with his eyes like saucers.
Snape threw the scarf and sobbed, he sprang up and ran from the Great Hall wiping tears from his eyes with his sleeves as he left.
"Well, on that note…who's next?"
"ME!" yelled Draco as he ran up to the owl lectern with an excited look on his face. He smiled enthusiastically at Dumbledore who looked back at him with a mixture of disgust and contempt.
"Anyone else wants to go next?" He asked looking out onto the rest of the students, hoping that one of them might rescue him from the annoying little shit. But alas, they remained stone-faced and seemed hesitant. Only Hermione Granger smiled back at him but before he could call on her, Draco snatched Scarfy and put it around his neck, Scarfy tried to fight him off but it was in vain. Draco shuddered with anticipation. Scarfy scrunched its face and then yelled "Harry Potter"
Harry was hit with back-to-back bombshells and now all of Gryffindor's house starred with wide jaws. Draco removed the scarf and skipped back to his seat. He winked towards Harry, and Ron choked on a Red Vine. Crabbe and Goyle looked disgusted at him.
"We shall now continue the sorting by house. Gryffindor shall go first"
The Gryffindor students lined up in front of the owl lectern. Ron Weasley was standing in the middle of the line but was too busy talking to Harry to notice that his housemates all snuck behind him, making him first in line. He let out an audible gulp before making his way up the steps and onto the chair. Scarfy wasted no time in yelling, "Bi-curious!". Ron shrugged and handed Scarfy back to Dumbledore. Hermine Granger cut Harry in line and was next to receive her sexual preference sorting.
Scarfy delivered the verdict "Waiting till marriage!" and Hermine smiled before skipping back to her seat. Harry was next. Scarfy pondered for a moment.
"Hmm, this is tricky…"
"What? Obviously, I'm straight!" Harry retorted and crossed his arms.
"Harry Potter!" Bellowed Scarfy
''What is that supposed to mean?"
"That you're a self-absorbed nob-end dummy." Scarfy laughed.
Seamus Finnigan was told: ''Fire. Anything that explodes really. Fucking pyromaniac" Seamus blushed and handed Scarfy to Dumbledore before making his way back to his seat.
Neville Longbottom was next and he tripped on the way up to Dumbledore who rolled his eyes while the rest of the students in the Great Hall laughed. Scarfy bellowed "Anyone…anything for that matter. Jeez kid you are pathetic." Tears welled up in Neville's eyes as he walked slowly back to his seat.
''Well, that's all from Gryffindor'' said Dumbledore.
''What about the rest of us?'' asked Dean Thomas.
''Y'all don't matter. You're side characters. Merlin's beard. Know your place'' said Dumbledore disgusted before tipping his cap to Harry who nodded back to him. ''Hufflepuff is next. And by that I mean Cedric Diggory. No one gives a crap about the rest of you''.
Cedric shrugged and remarked "He's right y'know guys"
"Don't worry Ced, we live vicariously through you!" a Hufflepuff student yelled and the rest of Hufflepuff cheered Cedric on. Harry watched Cedrick with jealousy and then looked over at Cho Chang who had fainted when Cedric looked her way. This enraged Harry and he snapped his banana in half. "Thanks, Harry. It's kind of you to share with me." smiled Ron who snatched one half from Harry. Harry remained unfazed and continued to glare at Cedric so Ron snatched the other piece as well. Cedric walked up the steps and ran his fingers through his locks before turning back to Hall. The act made a few other students faint, including Neville. "What are you doing Neville? He wasn't looking at you" said Harry, disappointed.
"I know but a boy can dream can't he?"
Scarfy was laid upon Cedric's neck and then he yelled out "The Hogwarts Band!"
"Sounds good," Cedric said coolly before making his way back to his seat. The Hogwarts band played a tune that was meant for the Tri-Wizard tournament
Harry overheard a few girls commenting "...and he loves the arts."
"I know what a guy!"
"Yeah I wish we had someone that cool in Gryffindor"
Harry looked down at the floor disappointed and lamented that he would never be the heartthrob Cedric was.
''That's weird as fuck. Anyway, now it's Ravenclaw's turn. One of you bookworms come forward'' said Dumbledore.
Luna Lovegood, the quirky Ravenclaw, made her way to the front with her usual dreamy demeanor. She looked around the Great Hall, her eyes widened as if she were seeing something nobody else could, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. Dumbledore, raising an eyebrow, motioned for her to approach the owl lectern.
She looked at Scarfy, then Dumbledore, and whispered, ''I can see Nargles around the scarf. Are you sure it's safe?'' Dumbledore sighed, "Luna, dear, I literally have no fucking clue what you're on about. No one does" All students nodded in agreement.
Luna gently took Scarfy and placed it around her neck. The scarf seemed to ponder for an unusually long moment, its fabric twitching and contorting as if in deep thought. Then, with a dramatic flourish, Scarfy bellowed, ''Enchanted by… creatures that nobody else believes in!''
Luna nodded, ''That sounds about right.'' She handed Scarfy back to Dumbledore and floated back to her seat, whispering something about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.
''Anyone else from Ravenclaw want to give it a try?'' asked Dumbledore. The Ravenclaws exchanged nervous glances, and then Cho Chang raised her hand hesitantly. As she approached the lectern, Scarfy seemed eager. Before it could even touch her neck, it shouted. ''Still not over Cedric! But also… popular guys who might end up dead in a ditch. Like Cedric''.
The Hogwarts band started playing as soon as Cedric's name was mentioned and he stood up for another round of applause from Hufflepuff.
''Well. That's all I believe,'' said Dumbledore.
''What about us?'' yelled Draco, offended.
''Alright, fine, Slytherin line up. The house that me and everyone despise. If I could I would expel you all. Especially Malfoy just because he exists.'' said Dumbledore, sighing.
Malfoy ran up but Dumbledore immediately pointed back to the Slytherin bench and he walked back disappointed that he couldn't have another go.
"I just wanted to hear Scarfy say his name again" he mumbled. The rest of Slytherin decided not to participate which pleased Dumbledore.
"Then would any of the staff members like to participate?" They all glared at him, ''Oh! Yes, Minerva. Give it a go''
''What gives you the impression that I would-'' she was quickly cut of by Dumbledore wrapping Scarfy around her neck. McGonagall, with an arched eyebrow, draped Scarfy around her neck, giving it a look that said, ''Try me.'' The scarf wriggled and squirmed, seemingly contemplating its decision.
''Obsessed with… Quidditch? Secretly dreams of being the star Seeker for the Holyhead Harpies''
"If the coach had just put me in we would've won nationals. No doubt…no doubt in my mind'' said McGonagall with a tinge of melancholy in her voice.
''I always suspected you had more than a sporty side, Minerva,'' said Dumbledore with a wink. McGonagall's face turned a shade of maroon that matched Gryffindor's house colors. She quickly removed Scarfy, giving it a glare.
"Well, I guess that wraps up our ceremony. I hope it was illuminating…" said Dumbledore with a mischievous smile.
"I thought it was wonderful, especially…" started Draco before being interrupted by Dumbledore
"Draco Malfoy! Shut the fuck up! Damn!" yelled Dumbledore. He was done with that ferret.
"Hmph! So rude," said Draco under his breath.
"You can eat now, I have some business to attend to with my bf''Dumbledore giggled and scampered off.
With that, students and professors alike were forever traumatized by the events of that night. They finished eating and began their treks back to their respective common rooms. Everyone in Gryffindor's house slept soundly, all except Harry, who had nightmares about his mother and Snape. In another dream, he was dressed in a bridal gown standing at the front of the Great Hall. Draco stood in front of him and said "I do". He smiled at Harry and then Hagrid announced to the onlookers, "Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Top and Bottom". The hall erupted in applause. Hermine was wiping tears from her eyes with a tissue, Crab and Goyle hugged each other and Neville clasped his palms together. Harry was only relieved when he saw his parents, Lily and James Potter smiling back at him. He smiled but his smile quickly faded and turned to horror when he saw his mom turn to her side and kiss Snape passionately. Harry looked to Dumbledore with a look that said 'Help me' but he only shrugged back at him. Draco grabbed Harry, one arm on his waist and the other behind his head. He dipped Harry backwards and before he could manage to escape locked lips with him. Harry woke with a jolt, cold sweat running down his face. He turned to see Ron snoring peacefully. He got up and went into the men's bathroom. He sat under the shower head and let cold water spray over him, rocking with his head in his lap until the morning.