Chapter 6: Intervention and a Double Take
Loona heard a knock at the door. She groaned and made the person wait for a few minutes while she sat at the receptionist desk with a cigarette. Eventually though, she stood up, stretched, and went to see who it was. It was the old imp butler from Stolas's place again, holding the book. "Good afternoon, I am here to deliver-" He began. She grabbed it from him, and without a word closed the door in his face. Then, she headed to the conference room.
"Sir, are you sure this is safe?" Moxxie was standing against a wall with an apple balanced between his horns.
"Yeah, sure, of course, Mox. I saw it in a human movie, once." Blitz was carefully leveling a double barrelled shotgun at him from across the head of the conference table.
"A HUMAN FILM?! Sir, you do realize that those are notorious for being unrealisTIIIIIIIC!" Moxxie screamed the last bit as he crouched and a bullet lodged in the wall above his head.
"Aw, Mox, you moved! You hafta hold still if I'm gonna make some bad*ss applesauce." Blitz readjusted the gun.
"Sir, I'd really like it if I could be excused from this training exercise." He begged.
"Sorry, Mox. Maybe next time, don't call your boss a chicken and then have karma hit you and hafta take a whole week off of work for some dumb*ss chicken pox." Blitz grinned mischievously.
"You're still on that?! Millie was the one who suggested you were a chicken in the first place!" He pointed to where she sat.
"Sorry, Babe!" She said, before sipping her coffee and enjoying the show.
"WOW, Moxxie, trying to use your wife as a scapegoat. I would have thought you were above that. Now, don't move!" Blitz rolled his eyes and got ready to shoot again.
"Blitz!" Loona kicked the door open with a loud bang and Blitz pulled the trigger, which luckily hit the apple. Moxxie looked about ready to p*ss himself.
"Now, that wasn't so bad was it, Mox. What is it, Loony-toony?" Blitz turned to look at her.
"We got the book back." She held it out to him while pulling out her phone.
Blitz hopped up on the table, "Woo! F*ck yeah! Time to kick some TERF *ss! You got the description from the client, Mills?"
Millie pulled out a little notepad, "Got it right here, Boss."
"See, Moxxie, that's what we call being a team player. Let me just grab supplies from my office." Blitz grabbed the book from Loona who was looking at her phone and ran into his office.
Blitz was about to set the book down on his desk, when something slipped out of it and fell onto the floor. He picked it up to find it was an Envelope with his name on the front, and a wax seal with a fancy *ss crest. He rolled his eyes and put it in one of his desk drawers. If Stolas wanted to talk to him, he knew where to find him. And with that he grabbed some more knives and guns, and left; forgetting about the letter entirely.
— — —
A new dawn had broken, and Millie's eyes were glowing with an intensity never before witnessed by a living soul. She glared with a scowl on her face that made grown men cower in fear. Any moment now, her opponent would break and kneel before her.
"Millie, honey, I find your stare to be very captivating, but my pieces aren't going to be captured unless you move your knight somewhere." Moxxie tried to say it without enraging her further.
The chess table was almost entirely empty of white pieces; only Millie's knight and the king remained, "She is a ruthless killer, and she will not give in to your reign! No matter how many enemies she faces, no matter how many of her brothers and sisters lay dead on the battlefield, she will never bow down to your tiny nippled king!" She slammed the table with her fists and was foaming at the mouth.
Moxxie picked up the pieces that had fallen over and placed them back, "That . . . is oddly specific." He would have continued but suddenly Blitz was walking out of his office . . . whistling?
"Um, sir?" Moxxie began, "What are you-"
"Aw, Moxxie, isn't it so good to be alive?" Blitz opened a window just in time to witness a twenty car pile up on the street, and a drug deal gone bad in the alleyway, "Yup! Nothing like another good day in hell! The birds are singing; the flowers are bloom-"
"Sir, what did we say about bringing up Tumblr sexy men lines?" Moxxie stood from his seat.
Millie did the same, "I know what's going on . . .!" she squealed, "You and the prince finally worked things out."
"Wait, wha-? Really?" Moxxie was very surprised, but also very excited.
"Wha-? Oh, sh*tting hell, you guys, of course not! There's nothing to work out!" Blitz shouted back at them.
"Ugh . . ." they slouched in defeated unison.
"Would it really kill ya to swallow your pride and at least admit that you like the guy?" Millie placed a hand on her hip and gestured a palm at him.
"Yes, so it's a good thing I don't. A very good thing, for you as well, because now you both get to get off early, since I have a date tonight." Blitz said, twirling his car keys.
"You what?!" Millie shouted at the same time Moxxie said, "Come again?"
"Yup! I ended up talking to this guy all night long. I told him all my best d*ck jokes, he told me about the sh*ttiest bar in town, and one thing led to another, and now I've got a date. Isn't that nice?" Blitz shoved his hand in Moxxie's pocket and pulled out a compact mirror.
"No! No, it ain't." Millie pouted.
Moxxie wrapped an arm around her, "Sir! Look what you've done! And shouldn't you be focusing on work? We haven't had any business in weeks!"
"Eleven days is not weeks, Mox. And besides," he checked his reflection, taking some gunk out of his teeth, "I thought you would be happy for me."
Moxxie was too busy sighing so Millie spoke up, "We are; we're just concerned, is all. Ain't it a little soon after your break up?"
Blitz took off his suit coat and put on his leather jacket; the lucky one he wore on all of his dates, "For the last time, it wasn't a break up. Now, I am going. You double dipped dipsh*ts can do whatever the f**k you want. Just remember to lock up." He slammed the door behind him and was gone.
— — —
It was Loona's day off. She could probably get as many sick and vacation days as she wanted knowing Blitz, but this one was actually scheduled and she decided to treat herself. Stylish occult had a variety of weird objects from the concerning to the deeply disturbing. She picked up a human shaped squeeze toy from the clearance bin and chuckled at the recorded scream it gave. It was when she began perusing through the taxidermy when she ran into a familiar face.
"Oof, sorry. Oh! Hey, Octavia." She said after bumping into her, short, majesty.
"Oh! Loona! H-hi." Via adjusted her beanie.
"What are you shopping for?" Loona looked at the creepy badger in front of her.
"Nothing, really." Via shrugged, "Just trying to get away from my Dad for a while. He's been moping around all day."
Loona smirked, "Oh, yeah? Blitz really break his heart or something?"
"Uh, well . . ." Octavia looked around, then went behind Loona and started pushing her back.
It felt like a baby was trying to push her, but Loona started walking to oblige her, "Uh, what are you doing?"
Via kept looking around, "I-I'm trying to take you somewhere where other people can't hear us."
". . . Okay." Loona shrugged and just went with it.
They went out of the store and around a few corners until Via came to a stop next to a vending machine at the end of a dead hall. She crouched down, and motioned for Loona to do the same. She thought the princess was being a little paranoid, but rolled her eyes and went along with it.
"So, what's this all about?" Loona crouched down next to her.
Octavia leaned closer and whispered, "Well, your Dad-"
"He's not my Dad." Loona placed a hand under her chin.
Via looked at her, confused, "He's not? But he said-"
"Yeah, I know. It's a whole thing. I'm adopted, and not by choice." Loona said, tired of this old song and dance.
"Oh, well . . . Okay. So Blitz then, he, um . . ." Via fidgeted with her hoodie strings, "He really did kind of, as you said. . . break my dad's heart."
"Oh, sh*t." Loona said, fully sitting down and crossing her legs, " . . . So its mutual."
Loona had said it mostly to herself, but Octavia replied, "Mutual? You mean . . . Blitz, he . . ."
"Oh, yeah. Definitely." Loona snickered a little, "I mean, he hasn't said it outright, but it's so obvious it's a wonder how he stays in denial."
Octavia didn't say anything, just sat there thinking and frowning at the ground,
"I hate to ask this but uh . . ." Loona scratched her head, "Are you sure . . .? That, uh . . . You're dad likes Blitz? He's like . . . Super fancy royalty, right? And Blitz is, uh . . ."
"Horny, red d**khead?" Otavia finished for her.
". . . I was gonna say street rat sh*thead, but yeah, that works too." Loona shrugged.
"Yeah, he likes him . . . Of all people.'' she mumbled that last part, then continued, "And my Dad isn't as fancy as he leads the public to believe. He eats my Greed Seeds cereal when he's sad and watches Hell-a-Novela. And now I'm running out of cereal."
"Wait, Hell-a-Novela? Blitz and I watch that all the time! Do you watch it, too?" Loona said, her tail raising.
Octavia shrugged, "Sometimes, whenever Dad turns it on. Last night, he choked on his cereal when-"
"Ah! No spoilers! I haven't watched the new one yet!" Loona folded her ears down.
Via tried to stifle a laugh but failed miserably, "Pfft! Okay! Okay! I won't!"
They both laughed for a second, but then there was a break in the conversation that was a little awkward.
"So if they both like each other, then why don't they get together for real already?" Octavia asked.
"Well, according to Blitz, Stolas told him that he didn't want to see him anymore." Loona said, sitting back down.
Octavia looked surprised, "And according to my Dad, he told Blitz he wanted a relationship with him, but was rejected."
They stared at each other for a second before simultaneously facepalming, "Idiots!"
Octavia groaned, "And now Dad is trying to move on by setting up online dating accounts. I'm sure you've seen how that's been going."
Loona grimaced, sympathetic to having a dad with the mental capacity of a worm, "Yeah . . ."
"So I try to be nice and help him make an account on that new Faceless Love app, but now he's constantly bugging me, asking what a gif is and why someone keeps sending him peaches and eggplant emojis, all while pretending to be okay when . . ." Her shoulders fell, "he's clearly not, and there's nothing I can do to fix it."
Loona just nodded at first, but then spoke, "Wait . . . Did you just say that you helped your Dad make an account on Faceless Love?"
Octavia was confused, but nodded, "Yeah, and made sure he used a better fake name this time."
"And I bet you know what that fake name is." Loona smirked, "And what pictures he used, too."
". . . Yeah, but why is that relevant?" Octavia looked at her suspiciously.
"You want your Dad to stop stealing your cereal, right?" Loona stood up, and offered Octavia a hand, "Because I have an idea."
— — —
Muttering to himself some very unkind words, Blitz arrived at a big neon sign that only had half a letter working that said Timmy's Tipsy Palace. "Wow, he wasn't kidding. This place is really seedy." He said to himself as he opened the door. The bar had spill stains on it, booths were torn, and tables were all covered with mysterious sticky substances. Whoever owned this place had either given up on stopping the graffiti or just never cared because the walls, roof, and ceiling all had phone numbers, curses, and poorly done d*ck drawings. There were a couple of sorry looking souls sitting by themselves, and some demons too. One couple were both clearly underage but no one seemed to pay them any mind. Over in the left corner, exactly where his date was supposed to be, were two very muscley hellhounds, blocking the booth.
"Uh . . . Hi. I'm here to meet-" He went up to them.
"You got the password?" she asked.
Blitz sighed, "You know, is all this really necessary? I'm not going on a date with god, am I?"
"Do you have the password?" She asked again.
"Yeah, but because of principle and principle alone, I will not be saying it to you, so there." He crossed his arms and looked away stubbornly.
"Then I guess you're out of luck." she said,a wry smile on her lips.
Blitz shouted, "Fiiinnne! I'm a virgin. Ya done now?"
"That wasn't all of the password." the other hellhound woman said, without budging.
"Okay, I'm a virgin with B.O. Would you please let me through!?" Blitz said, then heard someone stifle a laugh from behind the women.
"I'm still waiting to hear the whole thing." the second one showed him a sharp toothy grin.
He pouted, then mumbled, "I'm a virgin with B.O. and I hump anime girl body pillows."
Blitz heard a familiar snort, and as the guards moved out of the way, he got a view of a demon he knew all too well, laughing his *ss off at him, "Fizz?!"