Chapter 5 Breathe

Content warning: Contains sexual content that is inappropriate for readers under the age of 18.

Jane

I shouldn't have kissed Bucky. Yeah, it was on the cheek, but I shouldn't have done it. What if he took it the wrong way? He promised this would be a platonic friendship then I had to go and blur the lines by hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. But damn, he smelled good and I liked how his body felt when I hugged him. It was a good day with him as well. He listened, helped build my bookcase, comforted me when I had a little breakdown then he bought me ice cream. My mother would say that's good boyfriend material and she'd be right.

I spent all week thinking about Bucky; while I was at work, when I was home, or when I was on the rooftop patio. I thought of his eyes, his hair, his lips, of unbuttoning his shirt and kissing his chest. I thought of doing more than that. As much as I tried not to, but it was no use. The thoughts kept invading my brain. Natasha could tell and she brought it up on one of our hangouts on the roof patio. I appreciated that she didn't say anything when Sam was around.

"I'm not surprised," she said, when I confirmed that I couldn't get Bucky out of my head. "He's an attractive man and has some very good qualities."

"I really don't need a relationship, right now," I said. "You know about me, don't you? Sam must have said something."

She nodded. "Without even knowing your ex I can guarantee that Bucky wouldn't treat you that way," she replied.

"He told me himself that he doesn't have the best track record," I noted.

A small smile crossed her face. "That's true but I don't think the problem was all him." She shifted so she was facing me. "He's ... simple. That's the best way of saying it. I think he's at that stage in his life where he really wants to settle down and just be with someone. He's not much into fancy clubs, or restaurants. He's a beer and hot dog guy, someone who wants to hang out, play with the dogs at the park, and watch movies on the couch on Friday nights. It wasn't enough for the women he dated before. They called him boring. He never looked at any other women while he was dating someone, never cheated on them, and when they needed him, he was there for them."

I sat back with a sigh. It sounded too perfect, as he was completely different than what John turned out to be. Sam appeared at the stairwell onto the patio and I looked at Natasha, not wanting to say anything about Bucky around him, knowing how close they were. We talked of other things instead. On the Thursday night Bucky phoned to say the blues club was out but asked if I wanted to go to a ball game instead. The Toronto Blue Jays were playing the Yankees.

"I figured you would want to see Canada's team playing," he said over the phone.

I should have said no but I said yes, and he sounded so happy. Steve and Peggy were going as well. The game started at 7 o'clock so he was picking me up at 5:30.

"Wear jeans and bring a sweater," he said. "Once the sun goes down it can get cool there."

Friday morning Peggy called in sick, or rather she called in to say their little boy was sick, so she was staying home. Bucky phoned before lunch.

"Steve and Peggy can't make it," he said, "but I already bought the tickets. Is there anyone there who wants to come?"

I asked around but no one took up the offer so he said he would try to sell the extra tickets online. By the time he picked me up he had a buyer, who was supposed to meet us at a certain gate at a certain time. We waited but they never showed. It put him in a perturbed mood to be out of pocket for the tickets, but he saw a man with a little boy who was trying to talk a scalper into giving him some tickets for cheap. Bucky called him over and gave him the tickets for twenty dollars. The dad was over the moon and thanked Bucky profusely. That helped his mood, and we entered the stadium with him and his son. After stopping to get a couple of hot dogs and beers we found our seats just in time for the first pitch.

When the dad took his son to the bathroom, I put my hand on Bucky's arm.

"That was a nice thing you did," I said. "For a time, I thought you'd be mad about being stuck with the tickets."

"It happens," he replied. "But it's a beautiful night, I'm here with you, and that's all I really wanted."

The crack of the bat drew our attention, and I watched a Blue Jay player hit a home run on the fourth pitch. I stood up to cheer and heard some muttering nearby about not cheering for the home team. Bucky said to ignore it. A couple of innings later Bucky caught a foul ball and gave it to the little boy, getting a huge smile from him. He was good company and we chatted about all sorts of things without trying to outdo each other.

At the seventh inning stretch it was a tie ball game. A new pitcher was coming in for the Blue Jays so there was an extra break, and the kissing cam came on. It just happened to zoom in on us. We looked at each other somewhat reluctantly then Bucky impulsively threaded his hand into my hair and gave me the best kiss I ever had. His lips were soft, and even though he didn't push his tongue in it was sexy, sensual and it kind of took my breath away. We won a gift card for dinner for having the best kiss. Afterwards he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees as if he was contemplating something. We didn't talk as I don't think either of us knew what to say after that kiss.

Aaron Judge hit a two-run home run in the bottom of the 8th inning to put the Yankees up. When the Blue Jays failed to score a run in the top of the ninth the game was over. The dad and his son thanked Bucky again for the tickets and left. We sat a bit longer then Bucky sighed and offered his hand to help me up. Because of the crowd he held my hand, even outside in the busy parking lot, making sure we didn't get separated. After opening the door to the passenger seat for me he stood beside the open door of his truck as I sat inside.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I promised to be platonic, and the kiss was an impulse. I have to be honest though. I've been thinking about kissing you since you showed up on the rooftop at that party. It was nice ... no, it was better than nice." He frowned as if he wanted to say more then made a decision. "I'll take you home."

He turned on the radio and again we didn't talk. Just as he pulled into an open spot on my street The Cure's Friday, I'm in Love came on and he quickly turned the radio off.

"I understand if you don't want to see me anymore," he began. "I broke a promise by kissing you and that's unacceptable."

"I liked it," I blurted out. "It was a really good kiss. I have to be honest as well. I've been thinking about you all week, wondering what your lips would feel like."

He turned to look closer at me. "And?"

It was my turn to contemplate what to say at this point. I swallowed nervously. Why was this so hard? My mouth was dry, and the words wouldn't form so I got out, walked to the steps and waited for him. It took him a moment to understand I was inviting him in then he got out of the truck and came to the bottom of the steps, looking up at me. Passing the key fob over the sensor, I pushed the door open when I heard the lock release, and waited again until he joined me. Quietly we walked up the stairs to my apartment and I opened the apartment door, entering but not closing the door behind me. For the longest moment he stood out in the hallway debating what he should do. Stepping into my bedroom, I turned on the light at my side of the bed, took my phone out and started a playlist. Then I waited for him. When he came into the bedroom and closed the door, he leaned against it and watched me with dark, brooding eyes that looked right through me.

"I need to hear it," he said in a low voice that I felt deep in my body. "What do you want?"

"You," I whispered.

"There's no going back if we do this," he replied. "This isn't a one-time thing. It's real to me and it has to mean something."

Swallowing again I took my jacket off and approached him, feeling like I was approaching something that was potentially wonderful but still hesitant to take that step. My heart was beating so fast and hard that I could hear it in my ears. He stood tall, gazing down at me, making me wonder how I never really noticed the height difference before. Tentatively I put my palm on his cheek and caressed it, watching as he leaned into it and noticing his breathing had changed.

"It means everything," I said.

His arms encased me, and he leaned down pressing his lips on mine, both of us opening them at the same time. Our tongues explored the taste of each other as our bodies melded together and I could feel the extent of his desire for me as he pulled my body into his. Without hesitation Bucky picked me up, wrapping my legs around his waist and carried me to the bed, laying me on top of it. Only then did he step back, pulling his jacket and T-shirt off revealing a muscular chest and well-defined torso. He had a rose tattoo on his chest over his heart, and a tattoo on each upper arm but I wasn't exactly paying attention to them. Laying partially on me he searched my face as if to confirm once more that I wanted this. Nervously his tongue darted out as he licked his lips.

"You're sure?"

My breath came out a little shaky, but I nodded my head. "I'm still a little afraid but you make me feel good and all week I've been thinking of you and me. I know this isn't what we agreed ..."

His mouth was on mine, stopping me from speaking any further and possibly undermining what we were going to do. It sounds cliché but the kiss was electric, arousing my entire body. One hand went under my T-shirt seeking out the back of my bra, and undoing it almost instantly. When his thumb rubbed against my nipple I whimpered, feeling it become hard and aroused. He pulled away then and tugged my shirt off while I stripped my bra off. Our bodies were grinding against each other, both of us with fevered skin and open mouths searching for the sensitive spots on the other's flesh. Running my hands down his well-defined abdomen I unbuttoned his jeans, pulling the zipper down, releasing the bulge in his briefs from its confined space. As he kicked his jeans off, I undid mine and began to pull them off. His hands were suddenly on top of mine and he looked at me in the soft glow of the bedside lamp as if to say he wanted the honour. Gently he pulled them off then sat on his heels between my legs. Placing his hands on my abdomen he gently caressed it, running his thumbs over my hip bones before hooking them into the edge of my panties and pulling them off of me.

"Fuck," he whispered, as he gazed on me. "You're so beautiful. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Only John and he ..."

Bucky placed his fingertips on my lips. "We won't mention him again. I just realized what you meant when you ran from me before, about guys like me not being friends with girls like you. Did people call you plain Jane?"

Inodded, trying not to cry. My whole life I had been called that and when you're called something enough times you believe it. I never thought I was beautiful. Okay looking, maybe, but never beautiful. I took in a ragged breath and watched his face as he processed his thoughts.

"You're incredibly beautiful," he whispered. "You're perfect. Look at you, poets should write about you, about the beauty I'm looking at right now."

He bent his face over me and kissed me softly on the lips before moving his mouth down to my breasts to kiss and fondle them in his hand. From there he trailed a long kiss down the front of my body, stopping at my navel and hip bones along the way. His touch when he reached my entry was gentle, and I could feel my hips rising into him as he first caressed my folds with his tongue then moved deeper. I had received oral sex before, but this was like having a maestro play after being subjected to a beginning student's efforts. When I came, all too quickly, I gasped out Bucky's name. He wiped my slick off of his face with his hand then slid up the bed to lay beside me caressing the front of my body.

"You alright?" he whispered. "It wasn't too much for you?"

"It was wonderful," I whispered back, placing one hand on his.

We said nothing for a while, just kissed and touched each other. Bucky pulled the covers back so we could get underneath and we lay with our legs intertwined, just being there.

"What made you decide to take this to the next stage?" he asked quietly. "I wasn't expecting this."

"After I hugged you and kissed you on the cheek last Sunday I couldn't stop thinking about you," I replied. "How kind you were, and considerate. I heard my mother's voice say you would be good boyfriend material. She wasn't wrong."

He smiled a little self-consciously. "I'm glad we're here, right now. Life's too short to wonder about whether someone is right for you or not. I like you, a lot. If boyfriend is what you're ready for then I'm all in."

I curled up on my side so I was facing him and touched the rose tattoo over his heart. "I can tell what this one means. What do your other tattoos mean?"

He showed me the one on his left bicep. "This is a tattoo of my sergeant's badge. After being a beat cop, then trying to get a college degree at night school I wrote the exam and passed with flying colours. It was a proud day for me when I was promoted to sergeant. This one, on my right arm is from the army. I was part of the 10th Mountain Division. They were trained to fight in the mountains and were one of the first units sent to Afghanistan after September 11. That's when I joined, 18 years old, already a dad but truthfully not acting much like a good man. I grew up in the three years I was there. Even though I knew I hadn't been a good husband I was determined to be a good father and provider for Rose when I came back."

I ran my fingers over the single colour black army tattoo, then the sergeant's badge. Finally I touched Rose's tattoo and kissed it.

"I think you're a good man," I said. "You make me feel safe, like I matter."

"Jane, you matter to me," he whispered.

With our mouths connecting again we both lost ourselves to the desires of our bodies. He stopped for a moment before entering me, grabbing his jacket and pulling out a condom. Together we put it on and joined together in a union that sent me into another dimension, so amazing did it feel. I thought that sex with John was alright but this was incredible as Bucky's full attention was on me, on making sure I felt good. The things he made me feel with his hands and mouth were a revelation. It must have felt good for him as well based on the sounds that were coming out of his throat and his reactions to my responses. After we both came I pulled my t-shirt on then excused myself partly for hygienic purposes but also to remove my contact lenses.

I was pleasantly surprised on my return to see he had picked up the rest of our clothes from the floor. He was under the covers and lifted them as I got back in.

"I'm a bit of a neat freak," he explained. "Which I admit doesn't mesh with how I appeared when we first met."

"I thought you were a con man," I admitted. "Scamming me of 40."

"Even after I showed you my badge? I could have blown my whole assignment in that moment." He stopped while he briefly contemplated something. "Actually, you weren't far off. I just learned the other day that the guy who threatened to slash your tires was an undercover agent for a federal agency."

I turned to him in disbelief. "Seriously? How did you find that out?"

He made a face. "How do I tell you this without violating my oath? When Sam came to tell me the assignment was finished the other guy saw him and realized I was a cop. His investigation is taking a new turn and he asked for me to be on it with him. I can't really say more and that is probably more than I should have told you."

His announcement filled me with a bit of disappointment. We had only just connected and it seemed like he was going to be pulling himself away from us because of work. His hand came to my face and he caressed it while gazing into my eyes.

"It's just training right now and it will be months before we're ready to implement it. Until I go I want to be with you as much as we can, if you're okay with that."

He kissed me gently several times until I smiled. "Will he give me my 20 back?"

Bucky laughed, a hearty laugh that came from his belly. "I'll ask him the next time I see him. I didn't know he was undercover and he didn't know I was until our assignment ended and he saw Sam drive up in the command truck. He was pretty convincing."

"So were you," I said. "I thought for sure you were going to break my car window to get at me." I looked at his face, at how thoughtful it appeared. "It was eye opening for you, wasn't it?"

He nodded. "There's a world of hurt on the streets. A lot of them have issues but many are there through no fault of their own. Homeless women are even more vulnerable. I could only do so much being undercover but I did what I could. At the precinct we often choose a charity to support for our Christmas drive. I'm going to suggest we support one of the agencies that helps the homeless in that area. A little bit could go a long way."

I settled into the warmth of his body. "Will you stay the night?" I asked.

"I'll stay. Do you want me to turn off the light?"

I nodded and he reached over me to turn it off then spooned up behind me. It had been a long time since I actually had slept with someone as John was rarely home during the final year of our marriage. It felt wonderful to have a man's arms around me once more. He kissed my neck and shoulder before saying goodnight. I know that I was asleep within minutes.

In the morning I woke up before Bucky, finding myself curled onto him while he had his arm around me. He was warm and as I moved he stretched then smiled at me. I looked at the duvet tented over his hips and he smirked.

"It's a man thing," he said. "Give it a minute or two and it will settle down."

"What do you normally do with it?" I asked. "Seems wrong to let it go to waste."

I slipped my hand under the covers and grasped him gently, making his face go dreamy. He sighed then rolled over towards me. Placing himself onto me he ground his hips into mine while nuzzling my neck and shoulder. Then he lifted his head to look at me with this sweet sexy smile on his face.

"Still there. I'm feeling very used."

"Well, I should get up then," I replied and began to slide out from under him.

I giggled when he pulled me back and looked at me with a light in his eyes that thrilled me. Gently he kissed me then pressed his tongue deeper into me before running his hands under my T-shirt to my breasts and playing with my nipples. Reaching into his jacket he brought out another condom while I peeled my shirt off. Together we opened it and put it on him. Thrusting himself slowly and gently into me he kissed me around my ear, then whispered how beautiful I was in the morning.

"Touch me," he continued whispering. "Run your hands over me, claim my body as yours."

As I ran my hands down his back then grasped his cheeks and pulled him in closer he affirmed how much he liked me doing that. I began to get carried away, kissing his neck and chest with my open mouth. I swear his cock grew in size while I did it as I suddenly felt very full of him. We got lost in each other, whispering and moaning each other's name while our bodies writhed against our aroused flesh. At the moment we came his face was buried in my neck, while my back was arched so far back that he had to put both arms around me to keep us together. The euphoria I felt at that moment was incredible and I couldn't recall ever having that powerful an orgasm before. Transcendent was the closest thing I could describe it as and as we came down from that high I pressed my forehead into his cheek, my mouth open and straining to take a deep breath. There was a sheen on Bucky's face that wasn't sweat but it was warm and I could feel his gaze on me even though we were so close together.

"That was ... something," he murmured. "Tell me you felt it."

I nodded then turned my face so that I was looking into those deep blue eyes, that were still dark with large pupils. Slowly he relaxed his arms and laid me on the bed, propping himself up on one elbow as he smoothed my hair away from my face. Then he looked down towards his groin and pulled out.

"I better take care of this," he said softly.

He pulled out, removed the condom then went to the bathroom to dispose of it. I laid back in the bed, feeling incredibly satisfied. When he came back he got under the covers and caressed my face and hair again.

"I could stay here all day, but today I can't," he said apologetically. "I promised Rose to fix a leaky faucet in her apartment."

"You're handy as well?" I said, with a smile. "Bonus."

"We can have breakfast then I'll have to go but I want to come back, or do something, anything, later," he said. "I just want to be with you."

I smiled, remembering what Natasha had said, and thought all of those other women must have been idiots because the look on his face was the look of love. I hadn't felt that look for far too long a time and now that it was in front of me I wanted more.

"I'll be here," I replied.

While he showered I threw on some sweats and began making breakfast for both of us. He had asked if I wanted to join him but I said no, not this time, but soon. If he was disappointed he didn't show it, which I appreciated. We had a great meal, sitting at the small table beside the fire escape window that looked out over a green space.

"You could probably put some flower boxes out there and grow your own vegetables," he noted. "As long as they don't impede the egress they're probably legal." He looked out the window to see if anyone else had done it on their level and confirmed it was possible. "We could do that when I come back, get you set up with some plants."

"I'd like that," I replied. I looked away for a moment then looked back at him. "I didn't shower with you because there's something I didn't show you, a burn scar."

He put his hand on mine. "I felt the scar," he said gently. "It's why you put your T-shirt on, isn't it?"

I nodded. "From the car accident when I was run off the road. I was pulled out of the vehicle by a couple of teenagers on a motorcycle. Just as they pulled me out the car exploded and a piece of debris landed on my lower back. Third degree burns. I spent a month in the burn unit laying on my front. They did a good job healing it but I'll always have the scar. I'll never wear a bikini again."

I looked away once more, trying to stave off the tears which threatened to pour out of my eyes. Bucky got out of his chair and kneeled before me pulling me into his arms. As soon as he did the tears came and he just whispered soft words to me as I cried. It wasn't how I wanted to start our relationship but it was important that he know that I still had healing to do. He pressed his lips against my forehead, and held me again. His touch was so light but comforting. In many ways it was the first time I showed my true face to anyone, having spent months trying to be brave, trying to show a strength that I hadn't really felt. It felt freeing to allow myself to be comforted by Bucky, to place my trust in him. I felt certain that it wasn't misplaced.