Chapter 7 Desire

Content warning: Contains sexual content which may be unsuitable for readers under the age of 18.

Jane

I don't know why Natasha made the comment about Bucky and me, seeing as how she was the one who encouraged me to jump in with both feet. There was no regret about that decision but to try and put limiters on it right from the start didn't seem very supportive of her. Not wanting to say something rude back I just left the situation. It felt good that Bucky came to me right away as it made me feel better. At least it did until he dropped the news that he would be leaving for two weeks. I couldn't be angry because until the night before we weren't even in a physical relationship. He's a cop and he has undercover assignments on occasion. I get that but it's going to be lonely without him. It's funny, how in less than 2 weeks he fit so well into my life, like he was a missing piece that had suddenly been found.

There was a knock on the apartment door and I opened it to Natasha with a bottle of wine and an apologetic face.

"I'm sorry," she said. "That came out of the blue and it was unfair to both of you. I'm the one who said he was worth committing to and he is. Bucky is one of the best and I hope you both get something lasting out of this."

She looked hopefully at me, wanting so much to make up for her blunder. Considering she was my neighbour, and the girlfriend of Bucky's best friend I accepted her apology. Her hug was real and I could see her eyes glistening after so I knew the apology was heartfelt. After handing the wine to me she invited us both up for those steaks, saying we were in for a real treat. Bucky said we would be up shortly and Natasha ran back up the stairs to her apartment. He looked at me sympathetically.

"She is a good person, just says the wrong thing every once in a while," he stated. "Her parents weren't the best and she and her sister ended up in foster care. So when she says something like she did it's usually her own insecurities coming out."

"Sounds like you already accepted her apology," I replied. "I do like her, so I guess I just have to get used to her losing it once in a while."

"You're very understanding," he said, placing his arms around me. "I knew there was more to like about you."

His kiss was something else, considering we were supposed to be upstairs shortly. Never in my limited sex life had I ever been kissed by someone who knew what he was doing as well as Bucky, and what effect it would have on me. After several long moments of it I placed my palms on his chest and he pulled away, looking at me with a sexy grin.

"Too much?" he said.

"Not if it was leading somewhere," I replied. "But we're supposed to be heading up right away, right?"

"Sam knows shortly can take a while, depending," said Bucky, that grin still on his face. "I can put a hold on it until later. You're not expecting to sleep much tonight, are you? I mean, I am leaving tomorrow for two weeks. It's going to have to hold both of us for that long."

God, those eyes, and those lips were just so enticing. "I've never met anyone like you before," I stammered. "You do things to me that are a little intense." I looked down and felt a gentle hand under my chin with a questioning look in his eye. "I like it but I have to get used to it."

"Okay, I'll dial it back a bit," he said softly. This time he hugged me but kissed around my ear, sending goose bumps all over me before he whispered. "You do things to me as well. Just remember that."

We headed upstairs and saw a sticky note on Natasha's door that they were on the rooftop. The sun was already well down in the west silhouetting the Manhattan skyline. The smooth sounds of a soul playlist was just loud enough to drown out the traffic sounds below. Natasha was turning on the decorative lights bathing everything in a soft glow. Sam handed us both a beer.

"Have a seat and relax," he said. "Dinner won't be long. The night is young and tomorrow will be here before you know it."

"I already broke the news to her," said Bucky. "You don't have to sugar coat it."

A grin broke out on Sam's face. "Just having your back, Buck. Odinson's timing could have been better."

I looked at Bucky, not knowing who Odinson was. "Thor Odinson," he stated. "FBI agent and scary homeless man with the knife. He was working a different case but gave it the same attention I give my undercover assignments."

Sam laughed. "Full method acting. Buck's kind of got a reputation for that. Nice to know he has some competition."

"You've done it before?" I asked, interested in finding out more about this part of him.

He blushed, visible even in the night lighting. "Yeah, I've done several although this one was probably the most extreme. Not sure I'm going to go that far again."

A snort came from Sam. "Did he tell you about the lice?" I looked at Bucky, who was clearly embarrassed. "He was covered in them. Had to go to a special clinic and spend the day there to be cleaned of them. I heard they even ..."

"Sam!"

Bucky glared at him and his partner closed his mouth. "Well, he'll tell you if he ever wants you to know. He's portrayed an arms dealer, a drug dealer, a hit man, a priest, and a pizza delivery guy."

There were snickers from all three at that last one. I looked expectantly at Bucky. "There was a gang who were setting up shop on the Brooklyn docks, getting into all sorts of illegal shit. Several times we tried to infiltrate them, but they never took the bait. We needed some sort of eyes and ears in their headquarters. Stakeouts showed them ordering a lot of takeout food, so I set myself up as a pizza delivery guy, delivering all over the place near where they were. Had a Vespa, with a hot box on the back with the name and phone number of the pizza place. Eventually we got the call for several large pizzas. I pulled up, took the pizzas out of the box and knocked innocently on the door. While I was at the door handling the cash transaction, for which they tipped me pretty good, our technology guru was able to send a drone into the building via a broken window. He set up shop in the rafters and we got our evidence."

"So what's so funny about it?" I asked. "You all laughed."

Bucky grinned. "Well, I kind of dressed up as a geek, with the bright shirt, bow tie, geeky glasses," he said. "I was younger, a little bit eager to impress my superiors."

Sam handed his phone to me and I saw several pictures of a younger Bucky, in a bright orange shirt, and purple bow tie, wearing glasses and prosthetic teeth that gave him an overbite. Bucky laughingly tried to grab the phone but Sam got it first.

"I took those before he headed out," said the grinning man. "He didn't want anyone to see him like this. I mean, what woman would want to date that?"

"Plenty," replied Bucky. "I got my first commendation for that assignment. You should have seen the look on their faces when we arrested them. I showed up with the pizza delivery and pulled my service revolver out of the top box as I handed it to them. SWAT broke in the back door; Sam and several others were right behind me. They never even got a shot off."

Sam flipped through his phone and handed it to me again, showing Bucky portraying a priest. He must have known I was looking at it as he sat back and watched me look from the picture to him.

"How did the Catholic Church feel about you portraying a priest?" I asked.

"It was the Episcopalians," he replied. "Their ministers are also called priests, still got called Father several times. Someone was targeting their priests, coming in after evening services and assaulting them just before they locked up. Always attacked from behind so they didn't know who was doing it. The church wouldn't allow security cameras so I volunteered to act as a priest. I grew up Episcopalian so I knew the liturgy, not well, but well enough to pass as an assistant rector during the services. I had just finished being a drug dealer for another undercover operation so I still had long hair but I got it trimmed, shaved most of my beard off, and made myself appear as non-threatening as possible then when the guy jumped me I took him down. Right in front of the altar but I stopped him, without my gun as they didn't want one in God's house. He was messed up and blamed the church for his problems. One of his victims reached out to him after he was in prison and has counselled him ever since."

His hand was on his chin as he sat back in the lounge chair, watching how I took in the description of this undercover assignment. These brief descriptions of his work were like peeling the layers off of an onion, revealing more and more of the man inside. He had definitely become more interesting as this part of his life was revealed to me. I leaned close and he leaned towards me in response, keeping his eyes focused on mine.

"Tell me," I said in a low voice. "Is this really you, or just a part you're playing?"

"It's all me," he replied, pushing my hair back behind my ear. "I don't pretend anything when I'm with someone I like."

Placing his hand behind my neck he pulled us closer towards each other, and kissed me, sensually. Everything else faded into the background as I became aware only of his lips, tongue, breathing and what that kiss was doing to me. A discreet cough interrupted us and Bucky sat back with a satisfied grin on his face. Natasha rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Damn, right out in the open as well," she joked. "I need one of those spray bottles to cool you two down."

Before either of us could respond Sam announced the steaks were ready and he piled them on a platter, along with the baked potatoes, still wrapped in foil. The food was good. I don't know what Sam put into the steak marinade but it made the steaks even more tender and very tasty. Baked potatoes are hard to mess up but they were excellent. Sam had roasted vegetables in a basket on the barbecue, covering them with a lemon and herb marinade after then tossing them with lettuce. The result was incredible and I couldn't get enough of them. Along with a good bottle of red wine we ate like royalty, outside in the warm night air, with good music and good company. We stayed up there for some time, getting pleasantly mellow on the wine. Sam and Natasha began getting affectionate with each other and Bucky suddenly stood up.

"We should get to bed," he stated. "What time is Danvers picking us up for the airport?"

"Shit, yeah," said Sam, scrambling to his feet. "Noon. Go ahead, Nat and I will clean up. Won't take us long. Where's she picking you up?"

"My place as I still have to pack," said Bucky, "and park my truck. You sure about the cleanup?"

"Yeah, yeah, go," said the other man. He offered me his arms for a hug. "Don't worry Jane, I'll keep an eye on him in Quantico. Not that it will be hard as he's quite the boring guy. Two weeks will go by fast."

"Sam, that was a great meal," I replied. "I enjoyed it very much."

We hugged and Natasha whispered that she and I would get together while the boys were gone. As we headed down the stairs to my floor Bucky went ahead of me, as a gentleman is supposed to do, then waited as I unlocked the door. When I put my hand on the light switch to turn it on Bucky placed his hand on mine, stopping me. Gently he pulled me into his arms and kissed me like he did on the roof, except this time he didn't stop.

There are so many clichés that describe the best kiss in the world which is stupid because it's all so subjective. The movies make it look like it's the be all and end all of a relationship going forward. Romance novels talk about it and are full of flowery descriptions comparing the first kiss to a blossom opening the heroine up to true love. There are even websites listing the different types of kisses starting with the Accidental Kiss and ending with the VJ Day Kiss of a sailor kissing a nurse in Times Square in 1945. Everyone's seen it as it's forever ingrained on people's psyche as one of the best kisses of all time, even though the couple didn't even know each other plus he was a little tipsy, and he kissed her without her permission.

Certainly our first kiss, that almost chaste joining of lips at the baseball game, was the first indicator that I wanted to move forward into a relationship with Bucky. But this kiss, in the darkened entryway of my apartment, feeling his arms around me, and our tongues languidly caressing each other, was the moment I knew for sure that I was in love; real honest-to-goodness love. I didn't want it to end because it made me feel all sorts of good inside. Weak in the knees, aroused, loved, wanted ... a whole range of feelings went through me and not a single one was bad or questioning whether to do this or not. When we stopped kissing we stood there in the dark, me looking at his chest and him looking at me, then I dared to look up at Bucky, hoping to see something of what I felt reflected in his dark but observant eyes. I shouldn't have worried because he had a small smile, his teeth visible even in the dark.

"I think I'm falling in love with you," he whispered. "It's probably too fast but I still want to say it."

"Me too," I whispered back. "I wasn't looking for this but now that I'm in it, it's where I want to be."

He held me close, and I pressed the side of my head into his chest, feeling the warmth of his body and hearing his heartbeat. With my arm around his waist we walked to the bedroom, undressed in front of each other, and climbed into bed. I noticed he was wearing his dog tags, he hadn't the night before. Our legs intertwined as we held each other at first then we began softly touching each other, on the neck, the chest, down the abdomen, brushing fingertips against the hips, setting in motion the arousal of our bodies to join together in pleasure. For a moment, I almost told him to forget the condom, but that was playing with fire and as much as I had intense feelings for him the risk of getting pregnant was too much. If what we had was true then the day would come when we would make a baby together. At least, I hoped that.

A satisfied sigh escaped my throat when he filled me up and began the pleasurable movement of our joining. That's what it was, him thrusting his whole being into me, pressing all the sensitive points inside of me that made me respond by thrusting back onto him, moaning my pleasure and searching for his lips with mine. I wanted to consume him, absorb him into myself so that we were the only things that mattered in this darkened bedroom on the third floor of a brownstone apartment building in Prospect Heights. Even when our lips weren't on each other's mouths they found those spots on our necks, the pulse point under the ear, or the ear lobe itself, as I caught his between my lips and gently tugged it, resulting in a surge of him pumping into me. Bucky's tongue found that spot on the front of my neck, where the collar bone is centred and mouthed it, making me arch my neck back, offering all of it to the pleasures of his tongue.

Then his mouth moved down along with one of his large but gentle hands, grasping my breast as his tongue swirled around the aroused nipple and pebbled areola. I'll forever remember the sound of that, the almost audible sound of his wet mouth, which brought whimpers from my throat and moans from his. As our love making reached higher levels of passion I couldn't stop thinking about the other women in his life, the failed relationships he had admitted to. What the fuck were they thinking breaking up with him, a man who could make a woman's body sing so well? Every part of my body was alight with the desire for more from this man who seemed to know my body like a concert musician knows his instrument intimately. I almost laughed ... I was doing the musical comparison thing again.

His tongue during oral sex was like that of a maestro and now I was comparing him to an accomplished musician bringing rapturous sounds and feelings out of my body. An Edmonton friend of mine only dated musicians, mostly for the incredible sex according to her. She explained they all had beautiful fingers, strong but sensitive, with the ability to know exactly when a soft touch was needed; were incredibly focused on making sure she came first, and had versatile tongues that seemed to find every erogenous spot on her body. I remember listening in rapt attention as she gave me a detailed playback of the best sex she ever had. Most of those relationships never went beyond sexual ones until she married a music teacher and found the best combination of a god in bed, and a man who wanted a family life. They were working on baby number three the last time we messaged each other. Until Bucky, I could only live vicariously through her descriptions of those encounters ... now I was experiencing it myself and I didn't want to lose it, or him.

Another thrust ratcheted up the heat in my core and I began to writhe under Bucky's body, angling my hips to get his body to hit my clitoris just so to make me come. He noticed and adjusted his own angle, reading my physical efforts as well as encouraging me to touch him. His sex talk was endearing to me. My ex-husband had been a dirty talker during sex. At first it was exciting and erotic but as our marriage deteriorated I wondered if some of his negative feelings towards me and our marriage came out during sex when he called me slut or whore, and other terms that ended up sounding more hurtful than steamy. Everyone is different, but for me, by the time we stopped having sex I hoped to never hear those words during the act ever again. So far, Bucky hadn't said anything along those lines and what he did say always referred to me as beautiful, sexy, or something equally praiseworthy. At that emotional moment when I realized how much I liked that I must have sobbed a little because Bucky slowed down, looking intensely at me.

"Are you alright?" he asked softly. "Baby, did I hurt you?"

I grasped his face in my hands and kissed him intensely, then shook my head. "No, I just like how you talk to me during this. I don't like being called dirty names. John did and by the end of our marriage it felt like he was doing it to hurt me. You call me beautiful and I like that much more."

His arms wrapped around me and he buried his mouth into my neck, kissing and mouthing it emotionally for several moments before lifting his face up to look at me.

"I did use it when I was young," he replied. "It's what all the guys did and it was in the music and culture, you know, the gangsta stereotype that women are whores and sluts. In Afghanistan, they repressed the women so much, and they still treat them like that, almost like they believe women are born to be harlots, born to be controlled by men. It didn't sit right with me, and by the time I got home I couldn't think that way any more. To me it was toxic, and I didn't want to feel that way about women, especially if I wanted to be a good father to Rose. I know it's a problem in society to negatively sexualize women, and certainly the police force isn't immune to it." He stopped and grimaced slightly. "Sorry, I'm saying too much and kind of stopped our flow here. I know others get off on it and that's fine... it's just not me."

"No, I'm glad you're telling me this," I said. "You're a very intuitive man and there's no where else I want to be than in bed with you right now. You make me feel good and I needed that very much."

That beautiful smile broke out on his face and we resumed where we left off, with both of us whispering sweet things to the other, praising how we made each other feel. By the time our bodies reached bliss together I felt even more in love with this unique man. After he disposed of the condom Bucky returned under the covers with me and I snuggled up to him, with his right arm circling me as I placed my right hand on his chest. He wore his army dog tags and I held them in the dark, rubbing the edge of my thumb over them. Gently he put his left hand on mine and swallowed noticeably before kissing me on the top of my head.

"I wore these tonight because I want you to wear them while I'm gone," he said softly. "It's kind of me asking if you would be my girlfriend."

"I thought I already was," I replied, then I looked up at him, seeing his shy grin.

"You are but this is kind of taking it a step further. I never asked any of the other women I dated to wear them but you're different. I see a future with you."

"Really?" I asked, raising my head to see him better. "Like, a permanent future, or is that maybe looking too far ahead?"

"I've fantasized a little," he admitted. "But you're right, it is looking a little too far ahead. Would you just take care of them while I'm in Quantico?"

"Okay," I answered.

We sat up and he lifted them off of his neck then placed them over mine. I looked down at them, hanging between my breasts and he adjusted the chain so they sat a little higher.

"In the morning I'll explain all the markings and what they mean," he said. "Right now, I want to see them hanging from your neck as you're on top."

"You're ready to go already?" I teased, gently touching him with my hand to find he was quite hard.

"I promised to keep you up all night," he replied, rubbing my arm. "You don't want me to break my promise, do you?"

How could I say no to that? Once again he used that mouth and those hands to warm me up then asked sweetly if I was ready to sit on him. As soon as I lowered myself onto him he gave a very contented sigh. I hadn't cared for being on top during my marriage because John just laid there, mostly just watching me do all the work. There was quite the opposite reaction from Bucky as he was just as engaged as I was, constantly touching me, praising me, and moving with me. His desire to see his dog tags hanging from my neck had some justification as it was definitely sexy from my perspective to see them pooling on his chest when I leaned over him. Bucky even gently tugged on them a few times to bring me closer to kiss me intensely and caress my breasts at the same time. My orgasm was just as intense and after he came I laid on top of him with my head resting on his chest while his arms enclosed me. It was definitely pleasurable until he had to get up to get rid of the condom.

As we lay there I made a decision and voiced it. "I think I should get an IUD. You being away for a couple of weeks would be the right time to do it and let it get established."

"You sure?" he asked. "I'm fine with being responsible for birth control."

I smiled as I raised my head, not expecting that answer. "I'm sure. An IUD has a lower failure rate than condoms and I want to feel you in me. You're healthy, right?"

He smiled at me. "Yeah, I am. You're willing to put up with the side effects of an IUD? A couple of my previous girlfriends had one and it gave them heavier periods and cramps. I really am fine with condoms."

Reaching for his face I kissed him passionately. He returned it just as passionately and and I told him that I would make that appointment for sometime that week and get one inserted. Wrapping both arms around me he hugged me and placed one hand on my cheek.

"If you're sure, then do it," he said, then he swallowed as if he wanted to say more.

Instead, he smiled and kissed me again. We made love again and didn't get to sleep until after 4 am. As much as I would miss him for the next two weeks, I also felt assured that we were on the brink of something special and for the first time in a long time I felt very loved and wanted.