BPOV
I wondered if this house was always so big or something was different tonight. It definitely felt so huge!
Or maybe I was feeling lonely!
I didn't want him to leave.
There was no reason why he should stay, but I wanted him to stay with me.
I wanted him to say something stupid.
I wanted him to stay something funny.
I wanted to get mad at him.
I wanted to argue with him on something.
I wanted him to make me laugh.
Did I specifically want him to be with me though?
I didn't think so!
I just didn't want to feel lonely like the way I was feeling right now!
It could have been anyone!
Just like it could have been anyone instead of Carlisle when I was having that panic attack when I met him!
Was it really some sort of 'connection' between us?
Or was it just that I liked that he seemed nice, and I liked the fact that he seemed to care about even strangers!
No!
I loved him!
Did I really?
Yes, I loved him!
No, I guess I enjoyed his company, but did I really love him?
Yes, I loved him!
No... Maybe I just cared for him... And that was it!
No!
I did love him!
Well, just repeating the same thing was not going to make it fact! I told myself.
"Shut up!" I told myself out loud, "I loved him!"
I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, but I realized I was crying out loud now!
"I loved him, okay? I loved him!" I kept repeating that, as if I was trying to convince myself about it somehow.
Yes, you didn't marry for money, but did you really get married for love? I asked myself.
"I don't want to answer that. I don't know the answer to that question!" I shouted.
I didn't know anything.
I didn't want to know anything.
I wasn't sure for how long I continued to cry before I fell asleep.