Grief
Penny's feet dangled over the side of the building where she'd watched her uncle die, knowing for a fact that wearing her suit was a bad idea. Still, it was cold for October, and her suit had been the easiest way to stay anonymous at three in the morning. May was working overnight, so even if she did find out that Penny had snuck out, it wouldn't be until later, which was a price Penny was willing to pay. Later. She might even get grounded for this, she thought idly.
She couldn't believe it had been more than two years since she'd lost Ben. And eleven years to the day since she'd lost her parents. Sometimes she looked at May and felt a wave of dread, like it was only a matter of time. Sometimes Mr. Stark glanced over at her in the lab with a smile and a fondness that she remembered from her uncle and a cruel voice reminded her that she would lose him too…that it was her fate to lose everyone, so she would be better off pulling away. She hadn't chosen to lose her parents, but she'd fought with her uncles and she'd used her powers to try and become a superhero and everyone knew that superheroes put their families in danger. It was a risk she'd tried to mitigate by keeping her identity a secret. May would be safe if no one knew that the vigilante running around and stopping crime in Queens was her niece. But if they knew, they could go after her. They could hurt her. And then, that too would be on Penny's shoulders, just like Ben.
The fight had been over sneaking out at night, ironically. He'd confronted her after school and she'd fled the apartment. Ben had almost never yelled at her, but he had that day. He'd demanded to know what was going on and he'd told her that she was grounded and she'd stormed out and he'd followed. She'd made it three blocks, slipping into a convenience store, hiding behind the shelves and watching him pass by.
And then the man with the mask had come into the store, brandishing the gun. And then he had left with all the money in the drawer while the cashier had sobbed and Penny, who had started thinking of herself as a superhero, had cowered in the back of the store, the sight of the gun freezing her in her tracks. And then he'd run into Ben who had been opening the door of the store, and the planets had aligned, and now Penny stared down at the place where the bloodstain had been for so long that she'd stopped walking this way to catch the bus or to get to Ned's…she'd started to walk an extra block out of her way just so she'd never have to see it again…had never again entered that convenience store where she'd once bought a Snickers candy bar and a Mountain Dew on her way to meet Ned.
The sound of feet landing on the roof behind her didn't startle her, but she did sigh. The last year had been full of so many changes that her life was nearly unrecognizable right now. Her aunt knew that she was Spider-Girl. Mr. Stark had canceled the sale of his tower…she'd never learned exactly why. The newspapers had gone back and forth between 'a business deal fell through' and 'he's an eccentric billionaire, how should we know what motivates him?' She'd never asked. Not when he'd first invited her over to the tower to take a look at her suit, and not when Mr. Stark had told her about the internship.
Then, four months after the start of her internship, talks had begun. He'd started to meet with the others…first Steve Rogers, then Natasha Romanoff. Bucky Barnes. Clint Barton. One by one, they'd been brought into the fold. Mr. Stark had told her about the meetings because by then, the two of them had been comfortable with one another. He'd brought it up when she'd been making more web fluid and he'd been working on his new armor. Bleeding edge, he called it.
"You're probably going to see it on the news," he'd told her, glancing up from his work. "But Rogers is going to be at the tower tonight."
She hadn't known what to say…hadn't known how to talk to Mr. Stark sometimes, because he had started to act like he truly cared about her and because sometimes she didn't know how to be cared about by an adult who wasn't her aunt, and even that was hard sometimes. May loved her, of course. Her wonderful, loving aunt who worked so much and who hadn't even wanted kids but who loved her anyway. Sometimes, though, when Penny couldn't sleep or when she lay on the roof of a random building after a hard patrol, she felt the fear crawl up her throat and try to choke her. Because what if May regretted it? What if she lay awake at night wishing that she had her husband back and that Penny had never come to them?
In the morning…in the bright sunlight, Penny always knew better…she almost always knew better. May loved her and she didn't regret taking her in and Ben had loved her and it wasn't her fault. None of it was her fault.
It was just harder at night.
"You know, you do actually have a curfew, considering you're only sixteen."
She ignored the voice, staring down at the sidewalk where there was no longer a bloodstain. This was the biggest change in her life by far. Not just Mr. Stark to look after her. The Avengers were back…it had taken months of meetings and talks with Ross and the government, but slowly, one by one, she'd met them all. Had gotten to know them. Some of them stayed in the tower. They had gone on their first government-sanctioned mission two weeks ago, and although she hadn't been invited as she wasn't an official Avenger (mostly because Mr. Stark didn't want Ross knowing about her, or making her sign anything), Mr. Stark had told her all about it in the lab on Friday.
"And you should also know that we get an alert when you break that curfew because we're kind of responsible for you."
She was glad of the mask that hid her face, keeping Sam Wilson from seeing the tears running down her cheeks. Of all of them, Mr. Stark was still her favorite. He was the one she'd looked up to for her entire life…the one who'd found her, and who cared about her, and who worked with her in his lab. Steve was always nice to her, although she knew he wasn't 100% sure about the whole 'teenager being a superhero' thing. The same went for Clint, who didn't come by very often. But Sam Wilson was another one of her favorites. He was funny and kind and he acted like she was a little sister or something…and sometimes that annoyed her, that he treated her like a kid, but most of the time he liked being around him.
But she didn't want to talk to him just then, not while she was crying on a rooftop, thinking about her uncle and feeling so afraid that he hadn't really wanted her…that May still didn't. That she would lose her aunt like she'd lost her uncle. That she'd lose Mr. Stark too. That there was something fundamentally wrong with her. That no one would love her or that no one would stay. Everything was harder at night.
When she glanced over, Sam was sitting beside her on the roof, his own feet swinging, kicking gently against the bricks. He wasn't looking at her…instead, he was looking down, staring at the sidewalk below as though it might hold the answer to why she was here. But there was nothing down there anymore…not even a bloodstain. He wouldn't find any answers there. So she gave him one.
"This is where my uncle died."
She could feel his eyes on her. Her voice came out choked and no matter how hard she tried to stop the tears, she couldn't.
"My parents left me with my aunt and uncle…they were going on a work trip and eleven years ago, they died. I was five. I had just started kindergarten, and my uncle took me to kindergarten every day before he went to work that week before we found out…before they died. He held my hand on the subway and walked me to school. He didn't want kids. Him and May…they didn't want to have kids. I asked May that week why she didn't have a baby and she told me that she and Ben weren't going to have kids. She told me they were going to travel all around the world, and they would bring me back presents from everywhere they went."
Sam was silent, which was weird for Sam. He usually had some kind of smart remark. But for the moment he was silent, and she kept talking.
"And then, eleven years ago today, May picked me up from Kindergarten, and I asked her where they were going to travel first, and she told me they were going to Mexico first…they were saving up. She told me all about it. And when we got home, Ben was crying, and I never left, and they never went anywhere." She choked on her words, feeling miserable and like a burden, even when Sam's hand landed on her shoulder.
But she kept talking. "It's my fault he died. I was sneaking out. I had powers and…and I was sneaking out to help people at night and he knew it. We had this fight and I ran out of the apartment and…" She leaned forward, peering over the edge, a sad smile turning the corners of her mouth when his hand clasped her shoulder like she might fall…like she could fall. "I went into that store. I was hiding in the back because I knew he wouldn't cause a scene in there. And…then…someone robbed the store. I hid in the back. They shot him. I watched him rob a store and my uncle died because of me…because…" She closed her eyes, and the hand on her shoulder gripped her even tighter, comforting instead of restraining now. "It was my fault."
Sam didn't argue…not at first. Instead, he rubbed his thumb over her shoulder, and when she glanced at him again, he was staring sadly down at the place where there had been a bloodstain but there wasn't anymore. "I'm sorry," he told her, voice so soft it was hard to hear, then he spoke louder. "I'm so sorry. That's a hard thing to live with."
She dropped her eyes, shivering a little in the cold.
"Even…even if they didn't want kids…it's not your fault that they took you in. It's not your fault that they weren't able to travel and do the things they wanted. You were just a kid."
She nodded. That was true. She knew that was true. And he'd loved her. So much. Right? "Sometimes I'm scared he didn't love me," she whispered, and the hand on her shoulder moved and his arm wrapped around her, pulling her to his side. She rested her head on his shoulder, shoulders shaking, breath hitching as she sobbed. "What if May doesn't love me? It was my fault he died! What if she…"
Sam didn't answer. He just wrapped both arms around her, pulling her away from the ledge and holding her tightly and she gripped the back of his shirt as though he could hold her together. She was crying so hard it hurt, but he just held her for a long time. It hadn't been this hard the year before, but maybe that was because so much had been happening. Now, though, it felt like it was all she could think about.
"You know…Tony hasn't told me much about your aunt. Or you," he admitted softly when he finally pulled away, but she kept her mask on, still not meeting his eyes. "But I know that your aunt has Tony's phone number, and that he always answers when she calls. I know that he has left Avengers meetings because of those calls. He has hung up on Ross because of those calls. I know that any time you get hurt, he calls her. I know that she worries a lot about you. Toy does too. So…I don't really know your aunt, and I haven't known you for that long…but I think they both love you very much."
She knew that Sam couldn't really know that…he'd said himself, he didn't even know her aunt and he hadn't heard that much about her. But what he'd said was true…her aunt talked to Mr. Stark a lot. She worried when Penny was out late and she had rules for when Penny went on patrols. They ate Thai food together and they watched movies and went shopping together. And maybe it hadn't been traveling the world but…but had a life with Penny been okay too? Had she been enough?
"You want to come to the tower?" he asked then. "I'm sure your aunt wouldn't mind. And Tony's probably worried. I was already up when Friday alerted us…he's got a whole system set up for you, you know? You need help, we get alerts. You break curfew, we get alerts. You skip school…" he waved a hand. "You get the point."
"I don't skip school," she muttered, and he chuckled.
"Maybe not anymore." She rolled her eyes. "Everyone else was asleep, but Tony's probably awake by now. He made sure Friday wouldn't stop alerting him until he woke up, but I called him on my way here…told him I could handle this one.
"Why?"
Sam looked at her for a long time. Then he shrugged. "You know what I do for a living?"
"You're an Avenger."
He snorted. "Yeah, well, that doesn't really pay all that well, surprisingly. You find out one day. Then again, Stark has you covered, so maybe you won't. No, my real job is a therapist. I mostly work with soldiers when they come home. And I had a feeling that you might need someone to talk to. Figured a teenage superhero might have seen some rough things. Thought maybe I could help." He patted her shoulder. "I doubt Tony is going to go much longer without calling to check on you though."
"He shouldn't care about me," she murmured, the words slipping out. She knew it was a silly thought. She knew it didn't make sense. But…she couldn't help thinking it. "I lose everyone that cares about me." Her parents. Ben. And she worried about May. She worried that she would lose her too. Or she worried that May didn't care about her. Or she worried that Ben had never loved her. Or she worried…
"Do you really think that?"
"I don't know."
He gripped her shoulders, looking sad and sympathetic, and she thought he must be a pretty good therapist. "I think that your parents died in a terrible tragedy, and I know that had to be so hard. And I think you had a lot of guilt about your Aunt and Uncle taking you in when you knew they had no plans to have kids…when you knew that they wanted to travel the world. And I think that watching your uncle die was traumatic and horrible…but I don't think it was your fault. And I don't think you're destined to lose everyone that cares about you, because in my experience, things don't work that way."
"But what if they do?"
He squeezed her shoulders. "Do you really think that you'll lose everyone that loves you?" he asked again. "Or are you just afraid that you will?" There was no judgment in his voice and she yanked her mask off, throwing it down onto the roof beside her and wiping her eyes. "Everyone dies, kiddo. That's the endgame for all of us. You and I both know it. But they don't die because they love someone. Your aunt isn't going to die because she loves you. Tony isn't going to die because he loves you."
"He doesn't…"
"He does. And I know he does because I knew him before and I know him now, and it's like night and day. He's different. Especially when you're around. He cares about you, just like he cares about Rhodey and Pepper, and that's not going to be the thing that kills him. Being Iron Man, maybe, but not you."
She closed her eyes, wiping the tears that kept falling, and he squeezed her shoulders once more.
"Come on, kiddo. Let's get you back to the tower before you freeze to death out here."
He'd flown up to the roof, but apparently he'd driven a car to Queens, and she sat in the passenger seat while he sent a text, then drove them to the tower, her wiping her face in the hopes that Mr. Stark wouldn't know that she'd been crying.
Mr. Stark was waiting for them in the penthouse where she'd been a handful of times now. He'd invited her several times, usually for a meal before or after they spent some time working in the lab. Once to stay the night when May was working late. A few times when she'd been hurt on patrols and he'd wanted to keep an eye on her. He looked just as worried as those times she'd been hurt, eyes raking over her as if looking for an injury, which he would have already known about because her suit told him everything. He'd made her a suit that told him everything and when she was hurt he was there. Always.
She dropped her eyes the second she saw him, nor surprised when he moved forward, hands resting on her arms. "Pen?"
Sam disappeared, maybe heading to his own floor or maybe leaving, leaving just the two of them.
"Hey…what's going on?" he murmured, sounding so worried that it hurt to hear. And she knew…she knew that he cared about her because he showed her all the time. So she dropped her head against his shoulders and felt his arms wrap around her as tears ran down her cheeks.
"My parents died," she whispered, and he tightened the arms around her. "They…it was today. This day. They died. And my uncle died. And…and I watched him die and I didn't stop it!"
"Hey…" He rubbed a hand up and down her back, shaking his head. "Kiddo…"
"I fought with him, and I ran out of the apartment…and I'm afraid I'm going to lose you too…and I'm afraid that…that May…they didn't want kids…they…"
Slowly, he led her to the sofa, the two of them sitting down, and she kept her face hidden in his shoulder as he pulled a blanket around her, rocking her on the couch like she was a little kid…like she was his kid. He didn't say anything for a long time. He just held her, and that was all she wanted. She wanted someone to hold her together…to keep her safe from all the things she was afraid of.
"May loves you," he murmured after a while, not letting her go. "She loves you so much. You are her whole world. And maybe…maybe she didn't want kids. But I know that she loves you. And I know that your uncle loved you because she told me. Lots of times. She agonized over letting you do this whole superhero thing and she was sure that Ben would never have allowed it because he loved you too much to ever let you do something so dangerous. And she told me that the only reason she lets you do this is because…because she knows that I care about you too much to let anything happen to you. Not if I could help it. So I know that May loves you, and I know that Ben loved you, and so do I."
She met his eyes, wiping her face and trying to stop crying. He was smiling at her, so softly…a smile she'd never seen from him before meeting him…she'd never seen it on TV or on the Youtube videos she'd seen of him. No…this one was new. One that only she and Pepper and Rhodey got. So she nodded, and he pulled her into a quick hug, pressing a kiss to her hair. "I'm sorry that you had to see your uncle die. I'm sorry you lost your parents. But you've got May, and you've got me, and the Avengers…all of us."
Penny held those words close as she changed into a pair of pajamas in the dresser of her room at the tower. She repeated them to herself as she crawled into her bed and curled up under the covers. And she hoped that she would believe them one day…that everything would be better in the morning.
It almost always was.