Authors note: Please note the title of this chapter, it acts as its own trigger warning.

Porthos watched the young cadet walking away. Henri was only a few weeks into his training but already showed a lot of promise. His footwork was impeccable and, with a little more coaching from Athos, would soon be the best of the new cadets at swordsmanship. Aramis was frequently making jokes that Henri might outshoot him one day.

Henri seemed to be perfect. And yet, there was something about his manner that bothered Porthos. With his talents, Henri should have been one of the most popular cadets. Generally, the cadets formed an unofficial pecking order. And, generally, the top of that pecking order was taken by the best cadet. That had been the case with d'Artagnan. But it was not the case with Henri. Henri shied away from being the centre of attention. He was quiet and kept to himself. He rarely went out with the other cadets, preferring to stay behind either working on his swordsmanship or shooting.

There was nothing wrong with Henri keeping to himself, but it did make him stand out. The other cadets would not seek him out to practise sparring or fist fighting. None of the others made an effort to talk to him if they did not have to.

'What's up with you?' asked Treville, who had managed to walk right up to Porthos without him noticing.

'Henri,' said Porthos.

'You've noticed as well? He's ostracising himself. If he cannot work with the other cadets, he will not get his commission.'

Porthos nodded, 'and he's the best of them.'

'Technically, yes,' agreed Treville, 'but he will not survive a battle if he does not know his comrades. He needs to know what they are thinking, and what they will do next. They need to be of one mind.'

Porthos indeed. He knew what the Captain meant. He and his friends could work together with little more than a nod or sideways glance. He could think of many tricky situations that they had got out of without verbalising a plan. If Henri did not develop similar relationships, he would be a liability.

'Talk to him,' said Treville. 'You were alone once.'

Porthos frowned and shook his head, 'not in the same way though.'

'But you have more experience than I. Or anyone else I can think of.'

Porthos nodded, 'I will try.'

'That's all I ask. It would be a shame to have to let him go.'

Porthos grabbed his doublet and weapons, pulling them on as he followed Henri out of the garrison.

The young cadet was easy to spot, the curled dark blond hair made him stand out. And the fact he was walking slowly drew Porthos' attention. Most soldiers walked purposefully, and it usually did not take the cadets long to behave in the same manner. But Henri seemed lost in thought, he was not paying attention to his surroundings. Porthos wondered where the young man was going. He decided to follow at a distance.

He did not know much about Henri's background. The Musketeers were made up of a variety of men from many walks of life. There were nobleman's sons, wealthy men with hard-working parents and people like Porthos. Treville did not care about the man's background. He cared about the man. They had to be loyal to the King, France, and most of all to the other Musketeers. Porthos was sure Henri would be loyal. He just needed to stop isolating himself.

The cadet turned off the busy street and entered one of the open spaces where trees were planted, and grass lawns were cultivated to create a pleasant escape. The garden was kept neat by gardeners employed by the ministers. The gardens were only open to people who looked respectable. Porthos knew he would have no issue entering whilst in uniform. Out of uniform, however…

He knew Aramis liked to take his women to the gardens on occasion, but Aramis was on guard duty at that moment so there was no chance of meeting him.

Henri was a few yards ahead of Porthos, as he entered the gardens. He slowed his pace even more, almost coming to a stop a few times. Porthos stopped under a large oak tree, partially hiding himself behind the wide gnarled trunk. Porthos was sure Henri did not know he was there. The gardens were almost deserted at that time of day. Porthos wondered if Henri had gone there because there would not be many people around. Did the young man want to be completely alone? There would be little chance of finding solitude in the garrison. The cadets were housed in dormitory rooms which were rarely empty. The garrison yard always had something happening. There could be no true peace there. But in the garden, at the right time of day, a man could be alone with his thoughts.

Porthos did not often seek solitude. He liked company, he thrived on it. He liked to be the centre of attention. He had been alone in his youth after his mother died. Those few months were something he would rather forget. The odd occasion he did want to be alone with his thought would find him settled on the banks of the seine. Even when he wanted to be alone Porthos was amongst others.

But Henri was alone. If Porthos were not observing him the cadet would have been the only person in sight. Henri did not know he was being observed. Porthos knew that because of what he did next.

After looking around carefully, making sure no one was nearby, Henri pulled a small dagger from his belt. Porthos saw the blade glisten in the afternoon sun. Henri held the blade up for a few seconds staring at it. His expression was impossible to read. Porthos was shocked at what Henri did next.

He pushed the sleeves of his doublet and shirt up on his left arm exposing his forearm. He pressed the blade to the back of his arm and sliced. Porthos watched the young man's expression turn to one of relief. He looked skywards and sighed. Porthos stepped out from behind the tree and walked towards Henri who was oblivious to his approach. Henri pulled a strip of cloth from his pocket and began to wrap the wound carefully.

Porthos spotted fading scars on the man's wrist and arm. He realised Henri had cut himself before. The fact that he had gone to the gardens prepared to deal with the injury was disturbing.

As Porthos got closer Henri became aware of him with a startled jump. A wide-eyed look of guilt greeted Porthos. Henri looked about, like a frightened, cornered animal. Porthos held his hands out indicating he posed no threat. Henri remained where he was. The look of guilt also remained.

'You won't tell anyone, will you?'

Henri was shaking as he hastily tried to finish wrapping the bandage around his forearm. Porthos reached out and gently removed the bandage to inspect the wound. A clean cut, deep enough to bleed and leave a scar for a while but not serious enough to compromise Herni's movements. No one would know the injury was there if he kept his shirt on and his sleeves rolled down.

Henri allowed Porthos to dress the wound and ease the sleeve down.

'Why do you do it?' asked Porthos. 'I can see this is not the first time you've hurt yourself.'

Henri looked away. Porthos waited for him to gather his thoughts.

'It makes me feel better. It feels like a release.'

'A release from what?'

Henri stared at Porthos for several seconds.

He shook his head, 'I don't know exactly. I feel like I'm trapped and have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to-'

Porthos interrupted, 'you have lots of people to talk to. You could talk to any of us.'

Henri half smiled, 'can I though? I don't know why I feel like this, how can I talk to someone when I don't know what's the matter with me.'

'You must have a reason to cut yourself like that.'

'I told you. It makes me feel better… For a while anyway.'

Porthos began to walk further along the path. He was pleased when Henri fell into step with him.

'You know I was brought up in The Court of Miracles?'

'It sounds scary.'

Porthos smiled, 'it could be. But there was also a good camaraderie amongst the people there. We looked out for each other.'

'But no one is interested in me,' said Henri.

'Have you tried? Have you tried talking to the other cadets?'

Porthos waited a few seconds before continuing. I know you haven't. We thought it was because you were shy, but now I'm not so sure.'

'They're friends with each other,' said Henry.

'You can still be friendly with them. You don't have to do anything. Is it because you're not outgoing? You're worried they won't be interested in you?'

Henri shrugged, 'I told you. I don't know why I'm like this. I've never been close to people. I lost contact with my family years ago. I spent some time as a labourer before I joined up. I've just never been close to anyone. And sometimes I need to … to hurt myself.'

Porthos was still struggling to comprehend how anyone could be so alone. He had friends who had little or no contact with their families, but they all managed to talk to other people.

Henri was looking ahead, lost in thought again. Porthos did not want the young man to fall any further down what he thought was a path of self-destruction.

'I'm not going to say anything to anyone. What you do in your own time is up to you.'

Henri looked relieved.

'But,' continued Porthos, 'I want you to know that I will be there for you. To talk to, if you want or just to be around. You've seen how quiet Athos is. Sometimes he doesn't talk to people for days. We just watch out for him and make sure we are around when he does want to talk. He never talks about what it is that is bothering him.'

Henri looked up, 'thank you,' he said.

'And,' said Porthos, 'if you feel the need to do that again,' he indicated Henri's arm, 'come to me. I'll spar with you. It might help you to feel better.'

Henri nodded.

They continued to walk around the gardens for a few minutes. Porthos could tell Henri was gradually relaxing. He started to talk about the other cadets and Musketeers, telling Henri about them. He talked about battles and skirmishes. He talked. Henri listened.

After a while, Henri started asking questions. Soon they were engaged in a full conversation. Porthos knew he would still have to watch the young man. But, perhaps, Henri would not feel as alone anymore and would talk to him when whatever it was that made him want to hurt himself began to bother him again.

The End.

Whumpee: Original Character. Featuring: Porthos.

Authors note: I've been there, and I have never been able to explain why it made me feel better. It just did. Generally, I didn't know why I needed to do it either. I just did.

If you feel sad - talk to someone if you can. If you know someone who might be feeling sad - listen to them.