"… I'm not sure if he's ready, but I can ask him." Sasuke heard Hinata's voice down the stairs as he opened the bedroom door.
"How has he been doing?" Naruto's voice joined her after a pause, he added. "I don't like that look."
"He's struggling. He wants to remember. He pushes so hard he makes himself sick, but he's just bottling up all his frustration and trying to hide how he's struggling." Hinata's tone dropped. She could read him that well, couldn't she?
"I mean. He could have reacted worse." Naruto tried to comfort her. Was that comforting, knowing he could have decided not to come home with her?
"I almost wish he would. It's…" Painful. He was constantly hurting her. "He's taken the wrong path before and regretted it. I think he's trying to figure out if he regrets our path, and waiting for him to decide is…" Hinata couldn't make the words or didn't want to fully share her pain. "I am terrified that he's going to see something that just makes him second guess everything because I don't know if the man I met would have loved me like the man I knew all that time would."
It was a good question. How much had he changed, and how much did that matter? How much about love was the circumstances and the timing? How different were his opinions, and how much did his experiences shape what he wanted? Could too much change in just a few months? Would he get enough of that time back to make a difference?
"I don't think you have to worry. Even if he remembered nothing, I think if he fell in love with you once, he will fall in love again." Naruto replied. "You're easy to love, Hinata." What kind of…? Was that something he should be saying to a girl he rejected?
Sasuke closed the door loud enough that they could hear.
"I think he's up." Hinata pattered up the steps. Sasuke ruffled his hair as she came into view. "Naruto-sama dropped by to see you."
"Is that what the noise is?" Sasuke grumbled.
Hinata folded her hands in front of her. "Do you think you can talk to him?"
"Do I have a choice?" Sasuke looked down the stairs.
Hinata's face dropped. "Of course."
The sincerity took Sasuke aback. Would Hinata send the Hokage home if he asked? "If I don't do it now, he'll keep coming back."
"If you don't want now, you don't have to." Hinata reiterated. "You have a nasty head injury, not just a memory loss. If it adds stress, I don't want you to force yourself."
"It's fine." Sasuke snapped harsher than he meant to. He didn't want to think about what other damage he could have. He was struggling enough with the damage he knew about.
Hinata didn't flinch, but her eyes did drop to the floor, guardian her heart poorly. "Alright. I have laundry to do. I'll stay out of the way."
Sasuke closed his eyes as she passed. He felt like shit. How did she make him regret things so quickly? How did he manage to keep doing things he regretted back to back? He heads down the stairs to a familiar big grin. "What did you do to your hair?"
Naruto questionably ruffled his short, buzzed hair. "You grew yours out. I don't want to hear it."
"Makes you look old." Sasuke sat at the kitchen table. Naruto pushed him a cup of tea. "Why are you here so early?"
"My schedule has been swamped." Naruto whimpered. "I had to move two meetings to get here this morning and then had to fight off more from getting pushed into this time."
He should have thought about that when he wanted to be Hokage so damn bad. It was a political position, not a fun title. "What do you want?"
Naruto sighed, sitting up straight to shift to a more serious topic. "I came to see how you were doing."
"But Sakura would have told you." Sasuke countered.
Naruto tilted his head, receding. "And… I need to talk to you about your retirement."
Sasuke stared back at him. In the memories, it was something he was thinking about, but he never thought he would see the day that Naruto would want him to stop working as a nin. How much had he changed?
Naruto huffed. "We talked about it before, but you hadn't put in any paperwork yet. I have been pushing you through with questionable psych evaluations for the last few years already. Now, not knowing what you do and don't remember, putting you on S-class missions is needlessly risky, and I can't justify it."
Sasuke didn't even know the state of world affairs. He didn't know who did and didn't know his face. He didn't know what lies he had told and to who. Would he ever get all of that information back? And the failed psych evaluations were a whole other problem. "The panic attacks?"
Naruto raised his eyebrows. "I worried you wouldn't know about that. I didn't know when they started or how long you were having them before I found out." Found out, so Sasuke didn't tell him. "You were already pulling back for the baby. I think you wanted to retire in the next year, so now that this happened, I think you should focus on your family and healing."
All thoughts stopped. "The what?"
Naruto stared back at him, confused by his question, before he realized he screwed up. "Uh…"
"What baby?" Sasuke demanded.
"Shit." Naruto turned to call up the stairs. "Hinata!"
Sasuke grabbed his arm. "Do I have a child!?"
Naruto put his hands up defensively. "Calm down. This is a conversation to have with your wife. I shouldn't have said anything."
Why couldn't he just get a straight answer? "Tell me!" Sasuke shook him, but it felt more like he was shaking.
Naruto waved his hands. "Hinata's pregnant." He put his hand on the one squeezing the life out of him.
"Did you call for me?" Hinata appeared at the top of the stairs.
"Why did you tell me?!" Sasuke shouted up at her.
Hinata made her way down, her face washed with concern. Or was that a lie, too? "Are you okay?" She reached out to his arm to calm him down.
Sasuke jerked away. "Why didn't you tell me you're pregnant?"
Hinata's jaw fell open, but only a squeak came out. She looked at Naruto.
Naruto cringed. "Sorry. I didn't know that he didn't know."
"You get out!" Sasuke shoved Naruto's arm away.
He couldn't breathe, no matter how quickly he sucked in a breath, he couldn't breathe.
Hinata bit down on her lip. Naruto hesitated, looking to her for what he should do. She waved her hand. "Go, it's fine. I need to deal with this."
Sasuke didn't like how it sounded like he was being unreasonable. How was he supposed to react to information like this?!
Naruto gave them a last unsure look as he put his shoes on. "You know where to find me."
The door closed before Hinata dissolved. "I was going to tell you, I promise."
"When?" Sasuke snapped.
"I was hoping I wouldn't have to…" Hinata started, but her voice broke.
"You were hoping I would leave!?" Sasuke growled. "So you could get rid of me?"
"No!" Hinata closed her arms around herself. "I was hoping you would remember!" A tear ran down her face. "And you've been so uncomfortable with everything. I didn't want to confuse you further! I was worried you would panic and run without thinking about it or… force yourself to stay, not because you wanted to but because you felt you had to." Sasuke twisted his shivering hand into a fist. This was why she didn't want him to hug her last night. "I didn't want to add to either of our stress, and I didn't want to scare you."
"Scare me? Did I not want it?" Sasuke stopped thinking about restarting his clan years ago.
"No, it's not that. I don't know what has changed!" Hinata waved her arms out. "I'm afraid that whatever you saw in me won't be the same now! I keep thinking I am going to wake up to find that you have packed up." She covered her mouth as she started to sob. "I am just trying not to overwhelm you. Because I… I am overwhelmed!"
Sasuke felt like he was doused in cold water. He kept recognizing he was hurting her, but he was still only thinking about how this was affecting him. He stretched out his shaking hand and held it out. Hinata latched on it as she lost the battle she was having, trying to keep herself from crying.
His head was clearing up. Another panic attack. He shouldn't have reacted so violently. Naruto didn't do anything. He just slipped up. Hinata was just trying to feed him information slowly. He needed to get his temper together.
Hinata's miserable face twisted in the knife. She lost her husband, and the bastard who looked like him was torturing her. "I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Hinata pulled her hand away to latch on to him. Her face buried into his chest, and he could feel her chest vibrate with each of her sobs. He lifted his hand up to her lower back and lowered his face on her shoulder. He could feel the bump now that he knew it was there. It was small, but it was there.
"I never wanted to be a mother." Hinata adjusted her head on his shoulder, looking up at the night sky. "I never did. Even when…" When she wanted a life with Naruto. "I just could never imagine being good enough to be a mother. I'm so afraid of making my children feel a drop of what I did when I was a child. I didn't want to risk bringing them up in the Hyuga."
"But do you want children?" Sasuke wondered, laying his lips into her hair. It was a difficult question that needed to be asked. "Now that they won't be Hyuga?"
Hinata was silent as she thought. She turned her head onto his shoulder to bury her face. Maybe she needed time to think about it.
Sasuke closed his eyes. He knew what she meant. He knew what it felt like to feel like he would ruin everything he touched, but after his time with her… he wanted the chance to do it right. He wanted to raise children with her because he knew that with her heart, she would never make them feel unwanted.
He wanted them to make their children's lives better than theirs had. It was a chance to make all the bullshit they had been through pay off in service of something better.
But if she didn't want it. It wouldn't matter what he wanted.
Sasuke's hand twisted into her shirt. He had wanted this, but she didn't? Had she changed her mind, or did she cave to make him happy?
Hinata's hiccuped cry felt more visceral now.
He had so much more to remember.
He wanted to remember this life he had.
**Lavender Long Stories**
Hey, with how many issues has been having I would like everyone to know I cross post to AO3 under Lavender_Long_Stories and I have an active tumblr lavender-long-stories