'''The Wettest stories ever told''' The Simpsons bored in a restaurant waiting for their food tell three stories about sailing and boats etc.
== Plot ==
The couch gag is two hands assembling a puzzle of the Simpsons sat on the couch. But they get Homer and Maggie's heads the wrong way round before putting back the right way. Homer then cheers "Woohoo!"
The Simpsons are sat hungry in the Frying Dutchman. Their meals are taking a long time.
"Ungh! What's taking them so long? Ooooh! When's our food getting here? I'm starved!" Bart whined.
"Bart that doesn't make any sense! You're allergic to almost everything on the menu!" said Oscar.
"Fine... Hugo you do my line..." said Bart.
"Unnnnngh! What's taking them so long?! Oooooh! When's our food getting here? I'm starved!" Hugo groaned.
"That's better!" said Oscar. "And I'm hungry too!"
"Ooooooh! I got so bored waiting for our food I've worked out where the wallpaper pattern repeats!" Homer groaned. "So it goes Ship's wheel, anchor, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs and then back to ship's wheel..."
"What's this then Dad?" Lisa asked pointing to a picture of a swordfish on the wall paper.
"Ooooooooh! My life's work, ruined!" Homer whined.
"Hey! The pictures on the wall paper are passwords to the level selection screen on Overboard/Shipwreckers!" said Oscar playing Overboard on a PlayStation with portable TV connect to it. "Ships wheel, anchor, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, ships wheel and... hey Preston! I've unlocked level five!" said Oscar putting in cheats.
"Shouldn't you play the game properly Oscar..." Lisa sighed.
"No. Because it's too hard..." said Oscar.
"Arrrrrr! So sorry for the delay." said Sea Captain. "The chef is currently having trouble with the entree!"
We cut to the kitchen where the chef has got himself into a knife fight with an octopus after it grabbed one of the knives with its tentacles.
"Meanwhile can I send you out a busboy to get you something from a better restaurant? Arrrr!" Sea captain asked.
"Red Lobster?" Marge asked.
"Arrrr! Not that better..." said Sea Captain.
The Simpsons groan hungry.
"The Rusty Barnacke?" Bart asked.
"Mention that craven restaurant again laddy and I'll make you walk the plank!" Sea captain warned him. Apparently they're business rivals.
"Killer Shrimp?" Oscar asked.
"No!" Bart refused. "Because I'm allergic..."
"Besides we went there once Oz, and you didn't like it because it was all deep fried..." said Lisa.
"Oh yeah..," said Oscar.
...
"Arrrrrr! Let me pass the time with three sea shanties! said Sea Captain "oooooooh! Row row row you're boat! Gently down the streeeeam!" The mad captain sung.
Bart groaned. "I say we should use this time to tell a story. Stories about maritime and boats. Unfortunately I don't know any... "
"I know a good Story!" said Marge. "It's about the Mayflower..."
"The mayflower?" Homer asked.
"Yes dear the mayflower. The ship that brought the first Christians to America." said Marge.
"Ah yes... the ship that brought prostitutes to America!" said Homer.
"Cooooool!" said Bart rubbing his hands with glee.
"Mmmmmmmm!" Oscar drooled aroused.
"Homer no! Protestants! Not prostitutes!" Marge corrected Homer.
"Ooooooh!" Homer groaned.
"Yeah sure... now who's being naive..." said Sea Captain thinking he knew better that prostitution did come to America in 1620.
"The year was 1620." Marge set the scene of the first story.
'''Mayflower Madman'''
It is 1620 AD and the Puritans in their dorky buckled hats are leaving England for America.
"Hurry my little Puritans!" said The Ned Flanders of the 1620s as he hurried all the puritans onto the Mayflower.
"Yes Papa." said Rod.
"Wait Mommy is back?!" Todd asked as um Maude as her ancestor was in the story. Look historical episodes and flashbacks ignore character deaths!
"Yes, we must flee Britain and its insufficient puritanical ways!" said the Reverend Lovejoy of that era.
"I thought we were fleeing the giant rats?" said an Oscar living in that era. We pan over to giant monster rats growling and terrorising villagers.
"Uh no..." said A Marge in that era.
"And I was under the impression this was the ship taking all those saucy prostitutes to America, not fearful Christians in weird black clothes and buckle hats. I must be on the wrong ship..." said Oscar.
"There is no ship with prostitutes on it! May the lord have mercy on your wicked soul!" Marge nagged.
Oscar sighed.
...
"Aye..." Sea Captain of that era rushed off ship, deciding to stay in England until they sent off a ship full of prostitutes to the New World.
"And where are we going anyway?" Oscar asked.
"The New World." said Marge. "To start a new Puritan life and build churches and covert the local heathens!"
"(Yawning) Sounds boring. I'd rather sail to Skull Island. Or The Fourth Moon of Endor." said Oscar.
Marge ignored him as he was being stupid now.
"Do you all have you shipboard entertainments?" asked Ned.
"I've brought my toy wood lump." said a Bart in that era. He was going with the Marge of that era as mother and son.
Bart grunted and clonked himself with his lump of wood.
"What jolly good fun!" said Bart.
Finally, we can all say goodbye to England and it's drunken, decadent sinners!" said Lovejoy as everyone was now on the ship and it was getting ready to sail.
"And the giant monster rats." said Oscar. "Bye bye giant monster rats!" He waved to the giant rats terrorising the village.
However a Homer in that era wanted to get on the ship. "Oh!" He barged past puritans. "Out of my way buckle hats!"
People groaned shrieked and grunted as he barged rudely past them. Knocking some into the sea.
"Hide me!" Homer begged. "If they find me, they'll kill me!" Homer was hiding in a barrel.
Suddenly red uniformed royal guards that resembled Lenny and Carl arrived.
"Have any of you seen this knave?! He is wanted for questioning why we call this the Jacobean era when our king is called James and not Jacob." said Carl as a royal guard.
Homer was um sleeping or praying in the barrel.
"Mother, we must protect him!" said a Lisa who was also in the same family as the Bart and Marge. But not the Homer, wait and see... hehehe! "Look! He's praying!"
"Oh almighty God! Please make the soldiers kill this family instead of me!" said Homer.
"Noble Sir!" said Marge to him. "You shall come with us! You can wear my dead husbands clothes!" Marge gave him some puritanical clothes to wear.
"And I shall make you a hat out of construction paper!" said Lisa. Lol!
"Oh a widow hey? Does thou wish to se thine codpiece? Prfrrrr!" Homer wasn't being very Christian.
"Sit! That i do not approve of your gaze!" said Marge.
Homer imagined her in her night clothes. He purred aroused.
"Ooooooh!" Marge grumbled.
Oscar smirked.
...
"Goodbye!" said Cleatus as the ship left the harbour.
"Don't come back!" said a man. And the sinners were left with their king who was obsessed with witches and hunting them. Also they put him on bottles of spirits. And the giant rats...
"Oz no! There's no giant rats!" Lisa in the present whined.
Homer found the puritans praying. He was confused suddenly as he was only selfishly praying for his own life. "Is that what you folks do all day?! Where's the Hooch?"
"Oh we puritans for not allow any sort of drunkenness! Or colourful clothes or poems..." said Ned.
Homer screamed and jumped over board.
"I'd rather die! Take me lord! Blblblblblbl!" Drowning gurgles. said Homer before dying because he could not live without alcohol.
"Oh dear... he didn't last very long..." said Marge.
Suddenly a fierce looking Homer with all his brown hair still arrived on the ship somehow in the middle of the ocean a short while from England.
"People. I am Homer Zachariah Drinksalot's sober brother, Gerald! I lived my who life not touching the devil's drink!"
"Well hi diddly ho Puritan oh- no! I made a poem!" Ned greeted the man in a stupid rhyme way. Then he whipped himself. "Now remember Gerald, if you have a sonnet. Keep it under your bonnet. Oh no! I did it again!" Ned whipped himself again. "Forgive me Lord! Ow!" He whipped himself. "Then pour a little salt into the wounds."
Oscar was annoying everyone, especially Lovejoy by insisting the ship be renamed to the Spirit of Saint Louis.
"No little boy..." Lovejoy sighed.
And that they change course and sail to Skull Island. Or the fourth moon of Endor.
"No!" Lovejoy was frustrated with Oscar.
Puritan Bart dragged Oscar away from the captain.
"Oh I see you've met our leader Ned Flandish!" said Marge.
"Stupid Flandish..." said Gerald. "Oooooh I see you're alone... no husband..."
"My husband is dead sir." said Marge.
"Ooooooh! A widow hey..." Gerald purred.
"Certainly not! They don't call me Constance Prudence Goodwife for nothing!" said Marge.
"D'oh!" Gerald grunted.
"Well actually my friends just call me Marge. Marge Contance Prudence Goodwife Havesexnot." said Marge.
"D'oh!" Gerald groaned.
"Hey back off! We're already engaged newbie! I didn't kill her husband for+ Wait! I didn't kill her husband! What am I saying?" said Moe.
"Excuse me! We are not engaged! We are merely acquaintances!" said Marge.
"Tsk tsk! Acquaintance! That's not very lady like!" said Ned. "Oh no! I thought of you as a woman!" Ned grunted as he whipped himself again.
"Can I whip you?" Oscar asked.
"Oh I'm afraid not my little puritan. You see the lord expects us to punish ourselves when ever we do wrong. Now you can whip yourself if you have any wicked thoughts." said Ned.
"Mmmmhmmm." Oscar shook his head. "There's little point. I get a sense of power and authority whipping people and ordering them about! Gimme that!" Oscar took Ned's whip and whipped him. "Get back to work peasant!"
Ned yelled as Oscar whipped him.
"Well Marge, since everything else is out of bounds, how about a little bible thumping in the crow's nest?" Gerald asked Marge.
"Gerald stop having such thoughts about me! Yeeoooow!" Oscar whipped Marge.
"Make out with him! Now!" Oscar demanded.
...
Everyone was then praying as Lovejoy led the prayer. "Dear Lord who shows us how much he loves us in so many ways... such as a sun that burns our lips to the point of bleeding! And heh heh! You're hilarious joke of surrounding us with water that would probably kill us if we drank it..."
Gerald was desperately gulping down sea water. "Oh! So salty! (Gulping down sea water.)
"No Gerald! Don't!" The Bart and Lisa tried to stop him but the Oscar on the ship whipped them.
"Ow! Oscar your getting really annoying with that! Gimme!" Bart tried to take Ned's flail whip from him but he whipped Bart. "Ow!"
"Shan't! It's mine now!" said Oscar.
"I must warn you Midge." said Moe to Marge. "Even in this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband."
"Oh no! She's gonna marry him!" Gerald whined. "All because he wears boots! Instead of blackening his feet!" Gerald has painted his feet black with gold buckles... XD! Gerald weeped.
"Gerald! Geraaaald! Avenge me!" Homer as a ghost groaned.
"Eh?" Gerald asked his brother's ghost.
"You must not let that man marry Marge! Marry her for meeeeee! For I can not..." said Homer.
"Well you're the one who threw yourself off the ship because you wanted to drink!" Gerald ranted.
"Just do it!" Homer replied nagging.
"Yeah I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying..." said the Bart on the ship. "And talking to yourself..."
"Why thee little!" Homer as Gerald Eustace Drinksalot as he Strangled Bart. However he stopped when the Marge on the Mayflower came over.
"Oh don't stop! You're choking him just the way his father used to..." Marge sighed longingly at a clasp with a photo of an evil looking Stuart era man with a moustache and Captain Hook wig strangling her son Bart. "Good times..."
Homer as Gerald got up and smiled at Marge. "Perhaps you'd make a great father!" said Marge.
Oscar did "She's crazy!" Charades gestures.
"Madam, if you want me to, I'll choke your son all the time..." Homer as Gerald wooed Marge.
Marge giggled. "Let us exchange pleasantries by the railing."
"Oh no! Look at that hand holding! If I don't act soon, they'll soon be exchanging pleasantries!" said Moe.
"Yes the skies are rather grey..." said Marge to Gerald.
"Oooooh! That drives my temperament from sanguine to choleric!" Moe said angrily. "That's how we talk in this era." He explained to the fourth wall.
"I must act!" said Moe.
...
He lured Gerald down into the lower decks.
"Anyhoo, Imma let your in on a little secret. We're throwing a little party to celebrate only half of us dying so far." said Moe. In the lower decks were barrels. Wouldn't it be ironic if they had booze in them?! Hehehehe!
Up on top Ned swept corpse of people and animals into the sea.
"Beer?! I thought you guys didn't drink on the gay flower..." said Gerald.
"Stop calling it that!" Moe yelled.
"Whatever..." said Gerald.
"I was saving this booze to mess up the Indians but, to show what good pals we are I wanted to give you a little taste... say I know a great drinking game! Take a sip every time a wave hits the ship!" said Moe.
Gerald tried the beer. He enjoyed it and gulped it down.
"Oh you're good at this!" said Moe rubbing his hands evilly.
== Plot 2 ==
There was soon a storm.
Ned was steering and Lovejoy was toadying up to God.
"Thank you Lord for bringing us this generous rain and abundant lighting..." said Lovejoy.
"That's enough toadying!" God bellowed and smithed him.
"Obviously kissing your ass isn't helping..." said Lovejoy.
"Damn straight!" said God.
"Reverend! We're being blown off course!" said Ned. "And where's our crew?!"
"I'll show you where!" said Moe. "You come too Marge, you won't want to miss this." Moe led them down into the lower decks.
"Sin., sin, sin!" People were chanting and chugging back beer.
Ned gasped. "Oh my goodness! Roughhousing?! Horse play?!" Everyone was drunk and a horse was inside a dog house looking very pleased for some reason.
"And here's the knave who's responsible!" said Moe pointing to a drunk Gerald.
Gerald laughed a drunken laugh.
"That's all I needed to hear..." said Lovejoy angry with the Homer playing a guy called Gerald.
Gerald was put in stocks.
"Hmmmph! And to think I was gonna let you touch my elbow through a piece of cloth!" Marge was cross with Gerald.
"Baby! A man has needs!" Homer as Gerald Drinksalot whined.
The ship shook violently. Probably because Poseidon was angry.
Ned bumped his head on a post and knocked himself out.
"Our Captain has been be head bumped!" said Lovejoy. "Oh I guess we will never make it to the new world!"
"Oooooh! When we landed I was gonna denounce my sister as a witch..." Bart whined.
"I keep telling you Bartholomew, the ability to add two digit numbers is not witchcraft!" Lisa yelled.
"Thirty one plus forty three?" Bart asked.
"Seventy four..." said Lisa.
"Witch! Witch! Witch!" Everyone chanted.
"People! This is madness!" said Homer/Gerald in the stocks.
"Madness... THIS IS THE NEW WOOOOOOORLD!" King Leonidas screamed angrily and kicked him flying through the ship's wall. The rupture let in water.
"Oh thanks Leonidas you sunk the ship..." Lovejoy yelled.
"I am Jeremiah Wilber-forthcoming Drinksalot! I'll save this ship!" said yet another Homer of at least three brothers to replace the Homers in the story I keep killing. Hey that line was just asking for a 300 reference...
"Yeah to continue what what my recently killed brother said, we can burn the witch later, right now I'm sailing this ship." Jeremiah declared.
"No you're not! I am commandeering this vessel that I hear by Christian, The Spirit of Saint Louise and I've changed course for Skull Island! No wait! The fourth moon of Endor! Hehehehe! Ewoks..." said Oscar.
Jeremiah Wilber-forthcoming Drinksalot shot Oscar dead with a flintlock pistol for being annoying and stupid.
Everyone cheered.
"But first someone fetch me a turkey, for I am hungry!" said Jeremiah.
Jeremiah was steering the ship and eating a turkey.
"I haven't driven drunk since I was 12!" said Jeremiah living up to the family name.
Suddenly sirens rang out and red and blue lights flashed.
"We are the boat police! You're under arrest for drunk sailing!"
Jeremiah whined as he was arrested for sailing under the influence...
"Oz stop ruining the story with witty jokes!" Lisa in the restaurant whined.
"Never!" Oscar yelled.
"I'll sail..." Moe sighed. "Why on the Lord's Earth would there be police or even drunk in charge of a vessel laws in the 1620?"
"Shut up! That's why!" Oscar bellowed from somewhere.
"Don't worry Marge, I'll see to it that you fundamentalist Christians take over America by the 21st century!" said Jeremiah in stocks for drunk sailing.
"Look! An albatross! We can follow it to safety!" said Marge.
Later.
Jeremiah was eating a bird I assume was the albatross. "Man that bird did it all! What a guy..." said Jeremiah.
"Hey I've thought of a great name for the place we're arriving at!" Jeremiah had an idea. "We'll call it, New England!"
"Oh that's real creative..." said Moe. "How about I call your foot, new hand!"
"At least I'm pitching!" said Jeremiah.
Then Jeremiah and Marge were snogging...
"Land ho!" A crew member yelled.
"What did you just call me?!" Marge gasped.
...
The surviving Puritans arrived in America. They were promptly accosted by the natives which the Simpsons except Lisa keep calling Indians...
This was three years after Pocahantas died and a few centuries before Sacagawea. So it's neither of their tribes, well it could be Pocahontas's tribe because she died rather young.
Anyway the tribe was lead by Chief Wig um. No that wasn't all his name, he just forgot after the first syllable and would just go "Ummmmmm..."
"And this is my son." said the Chief intruding his son Ralph. Ralph didn't get the point of warrior markings to look fierce and painted himself to look like a cat.
"Meow?" Ralph did cat impressions.
Chief Wig um sighed.
And the puritans lives were spared. They repaid the Indians and their kindness by enslaving, raping and murdering them and forcing Christianity on them. The end!
Well until a year later.
The very first thanksgiving.
The natives and the puritans were eating a feast of foods. Um I thought the bible frowned on gluttony...
"Well Chief Wig um. It was nice of you to save our lives and let us live with you." said Ned.
"Yeah, just a shame about what we're gonna do to you later on." said Jeremiah.
"What are you gonna do to us later on?!" Wig um asked.
"Um more pumpkin pie Chief?" Ned offered him pumpkin pie.
"Sure!" said Wig um.
"And then after this pie we'll kill and enslave your people and take your land!" said Jeremiah.
"Whipped cream chief?" asked Ned. Putting unnecessary emphasis on whip.
Wig um gave him an annoyed look.
The actual end!
...
In the restaurant.
"There's your bill, and would there be anything else?" Sea captain asked.
"We haven't gotten our food yet!" Lisa explained.
"I'll get to it!" said Sea Captain. He went to the kitchen. "What the?!" He saw something shocking in there. Then he laughed sheepishly at the Simpsons through the kitchen door windows.
Oscar groaned because he was hungry.
"Okay who else has a story?" Marge asked.
"I do!" Homer put up his hand.
"Homer you can do the last story. Bart will do the second because that one is usually the weakest..." said Marge.
"Hey!" Bart whined.
"I'm just trying to take off some of the pressure!" said Marge.
"Well that's simply not true! Bart's stories are always awesome!" said Oscar.
"Thanks buddy!" Bart hugged him. "Any way this is my story... I once read this boring comic book about a ship called the bounty... and no Oz it wasn't delivering kitchen paper towels to America and advertised by cross dressing men!"
Oscar laughed.
"Or that coconut candy bar..." said Bart.
"Oooooooh! Paper towels!" said Marge in canon! Oh my god! Why am I predicting these things?!
"No Mom!" Bart whined as Oscar screamed with laughter.
"I'm sorry dear..." said Marge.
"(Oscar gasping from laughing in hysterics.) Paper towels..."
'''The Whine Bar Sea'''
The story about the mutiny on the bounty. Mmmm paper towels and cross dressing men with five o clock shadows.
"Oz stop! I'm narrating!" Bart whined.
It is England in 1789 at a dock. People are loading a ship while a mandolin plays oh when the saints go marching in.
On that ship the entire crew a children! Oh my god child labour!
Bart of that era and his school friends are the crew members hard at work packing things onto the ship and getting ready to set sail.
Bart is the only one not doing hard labour because he is the first mate. He is with the captain. Captain Seymour Skinner. Actually he is supposed to be Captain Bligh.
"Captain, there's a message from Admiral Nelson. Admiral Nelson Muntz that is..."
"Good, I'll read it." Captain Bligh looked through his telescope to Nelson Muntz as the admiral. He made rude faces at Bligh then pulled up some colourful flags that mean things in flag code.
"Bligh eats Dolphin boogers..." Bligh sighed.
"Haw Haw!" Admiral Nelson laughed.
Bligh sighed.
"Dolpha boogers!" Oscar as a crew member squealed while picking a dolphin's blowhole for snot and boogers. It's their nostril so yes they'd have snot in there.
Bart grimaced in disgust.
"He eats as much dolphin as I do! There's bound to be a booger or two in the mix." said Bligh.
"Dolpha!" Oscar as a crew member squealed while drawing from his holster, not a flintlock pistol but a dolphin plushie from the Sea Life centre.
Bart as Fletcher sighed.
"Get back to work!" Bligh yelled.
"Dolpha!" Oscar sulked.
...
More mandolin playing over the scene transition.
Bart was pacing up and down the captain's quarters.
Then Milhouse announced someone arriving who had the authority other than the Captain and the first mate to be in there.
"Captain! Your mother and Admiral Chalmers have embarked on our vessel! Some how!" said Milhouse.
"Good lord!" said Bligh.
"Skinnnnnnner! I mean Bliiiiiiiight!" said Admiral Chalmers.
"Seymour! Sit up straight! Oh! Your hat is lopsided!" Agnes saw to her son.
"Mother..." Blight sighed.
"Ahem." Agnes left so Chalmers could speak with Skinner I mean Blight. "Seymour, as you know this voyage to Tahiti is important. We arrive at Tahiti collect the breadfruit and then sail straight to the West Indies." said Chalmers.
"Awwww can't we rest when we get there? Maybe goof off a little?" Bart as Fletcher asked.
"Certainly not!" said Admiral Chalmers.
Fletcher groaned.
More scene transitions and mandolin playing.
Bart as Fletcher was now balanced on the wooden beams of the sails many meters above the deck. If he fell he'd go splat...
On deck everyone was swabbing the decks. Arrrrrrr!
Bligh was in his quarters.
"Good morning Crew. Welcome to day 718 of our voyage. Our morning announcements as follows... first of all in order to save water for our cargo, you will no longer be given any drinking water..." said Bligh. That's just mean. "Secondly because of a drawing of me having romantic congress with a merman..." the crew hearing this on the tannoy speakers laugh and giggle. "I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea!" That's even more mean...
Willie dumps the letters in the sea.
"And I can assure you there were cookies in there! Good cookies! The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make." said Skinner.
"My father's alive?!" Milhouse asked.
"No. Well maybe. It's a here in the letter." said Bligh throwing the letter over board.
Everyone whined.
== Plot 3 ==
After this unfortunate event we focus on Kerney, Jimbo and Dolph Reading propaganda leaflets to keep them happy about their voyage. The poster read Less scurvy, more curvy. With pictures of ladies with no clothes on!
"I'm getting tired of eating seaweed." said Jimbo.
"This nothing like the recruiting brochure!" said Dolph. Why didn't Bligh just press gang them?!
"Hmmmm! Maybe this is what happens on the last day." said Kerney.
"And we're bullies and we haven't given anyone a wedgie yet..." said Jimbo.
Bligh paced the deck.
"I'm warning ya Captain. Push this crew too far and there'll be mutiny!" said Willie.
"Mutiny?! Ha! On the Bounty? Hehehehe." Skinner laughed not taking his warning seriously. "What have you been smoking?"
"Opium." said Willie.
"Besides that!" said Bligh.
...
Eventually the ship arrives at Tahiti. A tropical paradise to the crew. The natives help them to shore.
"Welcome to my tropical paradise!" said Homer as the village chief. "Enjoy our luas, our lagoons and our ladies!"
"And remember! What happens in Tahiti, stays in Tahiti!" said Homer.
"Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world!" said Marge as the chief's wife.
"Has Robert Fulton invented the Steam boat yet?" Marge asked the English.
"Any day now!" said Jimbo. Not if Casper the Friendly Ghost interferes...
Also Boy with Shades doesn't have his shades on and has really small eyes.
"Oooooooh!" said Marge.
"I love luas..." said Quiffy.
"You're not in this story..." said Bart as Fletcher.
...
The English hung around in the Tahiti village enjoying themselves. They danced vaguely Pacific island dancing, wore flower garlands and ate fruit and other nice things.
Jimbo and his gang took to cooking Ralph on a spit roast! XD.
Bart and Milhouse somehow sailed or swam on their own to the nearby Polynesian island of Easter Island and looked at the giant heads.
We pan over to a man finishing carving a giant stone head.
Suddenly. "I keep telling you! I do not look like that! Carve another!" said a man with a head like the giant Eater Island Heads! XD.
"Yes Lord Ugly Face." The Giant stone face carver sighed. (Dies laughing.)
Then a native juggled fire. Yes fire...
The English and native children watched.
"Don't just sit there! Help meeeee!" The juggler screamed.
They just sat there.
...
The next morning Bart and Milhouse went to see the giant stone heads again when Oscar had to be funny...
"Oscar what are you eating?" Bart asked as a Oscar was eating a brown hollow egg...
"A chocolate Easter egg." said Oscar.
"Why..." Bart sighed.
"Because it's Easter Island..." said Oscar eating an Easter egg.
Bart face palmed. "Right that's it! I'm dumping you on Christmas Island!"
"Oh cooool! Christmas Island! Then I can see Santa!" Oscar cheered.
"No! Santa lives in Lapland! In the North Pole you moron!" Bart ranted.
Then some of Bart's school friends laughed at at Lord Ugly Face and made him cry.
...
Then it was time leave.
"Goodbye! Be seeing you! Thanks for coming! Off you go now." Homer shook hand with the children as they left and went on their ship. Boy with shades looks exactly like Oscar from the back.
"Yeah they do look like from the back..." said Bart. "For a pair of furry ass heads..."
Oscar and Boy with shades heard that and glared at him.
"We appreciate you putting clothes over our women's boobies. You'll receive an updated bill after you leave. Bye bye." said Chief Homer.
...
The Bounty sailed away. With the children hard at work again.
"I wish we were back in Tahiti..." Milhouse sighed.
"Why yes, it was a truly unforgettable vacation." said Skinner as Bligh. "I order you to all forget it!" Um okay.., you're ordering them to forget something...
Children groan annoyed while working.
Bart glares at Bligh murderously.
Things got worse, on top of the drinking water ban...
"There's nothing to eat except hard tack biscuits with maggots in them! I'm dying of scurvy!" Oscar whined as he had visible symptoms of scurvy. Tooth loss and sunken eyes.
"And the breadfruit we're carrying doesn't taste that great... how are we gonna get the slaves to eat them if we don't want to?!" said Milhouse.
"And while your working I want you all to sing a sea chantey. In a round." said Bligh.
Everyone annoyed and working sings "row row row your boat gently down the stream."
Bligh scares them by shooting his flintlock pistol. "Rounder! I hear edges!"
"Row row row your boat, gently down the stream..." they sing softer. While working. Some are swabbing the deck.
Then Skinner took to hitting the kids with his sword every time they didn't sing right.
"Ow!" Milhouse whined when he got hit.
"You're off key." said Bligh.
Bligh hit the blond kid.
"Make that song your own!"
He then hit another kid with his sword.
"You don't sound like you've been on a boat in your entire life!" said Bligh.
Suddenly loads of guns are cocked.
"What the?!" Bligh finds everyone pointing guns at him. Except Oscar who pointed his dolphin plushie Dolpha at him. Bart rolled his eyes.
"Captain, this is a mutiny." said Bart.
The angry sailors converged on Bligh.
Bligh laughed sheepishly as he sheathed his sword. "Hehehehe let's not be hasty eh?"
"Might I suggest a suggestion box?" Bligh asked.
"We have a suggestion box!" said Dolph patting a club menacingly. "You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion!"
We pan over to Martin's decapitated head! Oh my god! He killed Martin! Well now he can add infanticide to his crimes along with child labour.
Skinner as Bligh stuttered as ominous music played. He tugged at his collar and sweated.
The mutiny converged on him.
...
Bligh found himself in a small life boat with Willie. For some reason the mutineers kicked him off the ship too.
"I warned ya there'd be mutiny!" said Willie.
"Just keep rowing Willie." Bligh sighed. "And sing a round while you do!"
Willie sung badly. "Row row row your boat gently... row row row merrily merrily about the row row... I cannae do it man! I'm only one man!"
"You'll sing or you'll mutiny!" Bligh demanded. "And you're too much of a spineless coward to try that!"
Bligh found himself sat on a turtle.
"Swim faster! Or I'll have you made into soup!" said Bligh.
The turtle glared at him.
"What ya gonna do? Go under water? Ha! I'd like to see you try!" Bligh tempted fate.
The turtle went under water. Bligh screamed as he vanished under water.
"You call this deep?!" He said underwater some how.
...
Bart now in command of the Bounty steered it to Tahiti.
"As the new captain or next sop is... Tahiti!" said Bart.
The children cheered.
"And we're gonna remove all evidence of the previous regime. Starting with this stupid wheel." Bart ripped out the ship's wheel. Dumb ass...
The ship shook violently.
"Well, those are some beautiful mermaids!" said Bart.
"Those are penguins..." said Jimbo. They were stuck in the middle of the Antarctic.
"Well at least we discovered the North Pole!" said Bart.
"South Pole idiot..." said Jimbo.
"I suck don't I..." said Bart.
"Yep..." said Jimbo.
The end!
In the Frying Dutchman.
The Simpsons were still waiting for their food.
"Mom, I'm starting to think the Sea Captain is not coming back..." Lisa sighed.
"He's right outside playing basketball." said Bart.
Sea Captain was playing basketball.
"Ha! In your face Julio!" said Sea Captain. He saw the Simpsons glaring at him. "Arrrrr! I'll be fetching your food right away."
"Six more games." He said to a busboy.
"Well I guess it's now my turn to tell a story." said Homer. "Of a moist adventure." Mmmmmmm... moist... "it takes place in a dark time for mankind... when madness and ignorance ruled..."
"Madness..." said Oscar.
Bart face palmed.
"The nineteen seventies!" said Homer ominously.
'''Water ship D'ohn''' aka The Neptune Adventure.
The Poseidon Adventure jazzed up with similar disaster films.
Rather inappropriately the song Don't rock the boat is playing...
Inside a cruise liner there is a party and disco.
"People our Captain has some troubling news." said Disco Stu.
Everyone gasped in horror.
Kevin the kleptomaniac and ever so slightly flatulent koala farted. Phbbbbbbbbt! "I really wish you wouldn't say troubling..." he groaned, but then because he said troubling he farted again.
"This ship has been struck down with Disco Fever! And the only cure is to do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight!" It's Poseidon Adventure but the ship is named after his Roman counterpart and it's actually set in the 1970s. I don't know where the madness and ignorance fits in Homer.
"I'm getting to that!" said Homer.
Everyone sighed with relief that there was no horrible disease on the cruise liner with them, just Disco Stu talking about disco as usual.
"Wait what was that after make a little love?" Carl asked.
"And now your captain himself, the Leroy Neiman of seaman, your captain, Montgomery Burns!" said Disco Stu handing the Mike to Mr Burns. He's very old so they could still write him being a captain of a cruise liner in his youth.
For some reason Mr Burns isn't universally hated yet in the seventies. As everyone applauded him when he arrived.
"Ten four, good buddy!" said Lenny.
"Yeah and I'm Chevy Chase and you're not." said Carl.
"Willy Stargell!" said Barney for some reason.
"I didn't get the reference! Who's Leroy Neiman?!" Oscar whined.
"He's an artist Oz..." said Lisa.
"Fine... the Leroy Jenkins of seamen. Montgomery Burns..." said Disco Stu.
"Leeroooooooyyy! Jenkiiiiiiins!" Oscar yelled.
"Oscar no! Not that Leroy Jenkins... the violinist..." said Lisa.
Montgomery Burns soaked up the applause and smiled.
"Yes, thank you, thank you. You're too kind." said Captain Burns. "Yes, welcome to maiden voyage of the Neptune. The world's most unflippable luxury liner!" He winked.
"Sir it's not a good idea to wink..." said Smithers Sr.
"Now help yourselves to some pineapple upside down cake and apple turnovers." said Captain Burns. "And you'll be all getting free hats! So make sure to give the crew your cap size!" Okay I get the puns Monty...
== Plot 4 ==
At a table sat the Simpsons as a typical seventies band in bright orange with long hair on the girl members, Swedish names and Afros on the guys even if they're white/caucasian. Because in the 1970s everyone magically could grow an Afro regardless of genetics. Homer for example has an Afro.
"What a fascinating cross section of humanity!" said Marge as a band member. "You've got the lonely, but loveable loser..."
Comic book Guy came alone with his Charlie's Angels dolls on a tiny couch. "Hello Angels. Today your mission involves going undercover in a wet t shirt contest!" He pours water on his dolls. "Just to get you wet, hmmmhmhmhmh!" He chuckles pervertedly.
"Um maybe not so loveable..." said Marge.
"And you've got the elderly Jewish couple making the first trip to Israel." said Marge as we pan over to the Crazy old Jewish man and a Jewish lady who speaks Yiddish sounding nonsense who apparently his wife.
Crazy old Jewish man grumbled and ranted.
"Our son, Shlomo is working on a kibbutz in Haifa!" said the Jewish wife of Crazy old Jewish man.
Crazy old Jewish man ranted some more.
"We're schlepping him some kreplach!" said the Jewish wife.
"Oy! We're Jews alright!" said crazy old Jewish man.
"And oh dear, there's the vengeful former band members over there..." said Marge.
Oscar and Hugo as ex band members brandished switch blades and nunchucks while looking over at the band they were kicked out of.
"And for some reason Billy Zane as a super villain because it is disaster movie about a cruise liner, even though this happened at least 58 years later." said Marge.
Billy Zane was Ansem the seeker of darkness! "Darkness! Open your hearts to darkness! Submit!"
"And Jonathan Hyde... as Van Pelt..." Lisa sighed exasperated.
"Parrish! Come out and face me like a man!" Van Pelt demanded.
"Wrong movie narrator..." Bart groaned.
"Well..." Oscar was reading the cast list of Poseidon Adventure. "There's Gene Hackman and Ernst Borgnine."
"Of course! Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are here people!" said Ernst Borgnine as Mermaid Man.
"Oz stop referring to Ernst Borgnine as Mermaid Man?!" Bart whined.
"Hey who are we then?" Homer asked. "What's our backstory?"
"We're the band!" said Lisa. "And we're on!"
The Simpsons got on stage and sung a rubbish song because they were not as good as ABBA.
...
"Ah I love the sea Smithers. No earthquakes, towering infernos, Chinese syndromes or apple dumpling gangs..." said Captain Burns.
Suddenly disaster struck as the ship was flipped upside down.
Homer's wig fell off. "Ah! My wig! I mean my natural hair!" He quickly put it back on again.
"Mamma Mia! What a time to be holding this pot of boiling soup!" said Luigi the Italian chef as he held a pot of boiling soup that splashed everywhere.
"Cooooool! No gravity!" said Bart. Gravity swiftly asserted itself. "Oh there it is. Oof!"
Everyone fell.
"Ow! Get off me you klutz!" Krusty yelled, only to find his own bisected legs sliced from him lying on him, "oooooooh! That's just typical! Going out with a sight gag... ooooooh!" Krusty died.
"Krustyyyyyy!" Bart cried and sobbed.
Homer was dangling from a table and holding the cake on a platter. "I've got an idea! Climb into my mouth!" he said to the cake.
It fell and splattered on the ceiling lights below and broke them. They zapped with electricity.
"Nooooooo!" Homer whined.
He lost his grip and fell.
"Catch me Flanders!" said Homer.
Ned attempts to do so.
"Lord by your power I shall feel no pain- Yaaaaaagh!" Homer yanked his moustache stretching it.
"Thanks Flanders." said Homer climbing to safety.
Ned looked dismayed at his over stretched moustache.
"Oh goodness! Smithers! A Chinaman!" said Captain Burns when he saw Ned and his stretched moustache.
"Now time to count down to New year! Ten nine eight..." Homer counted down.
"Homer! The ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead!" Marge nagged. Including Apu. And Sideshow Mel but he somehow turns up alive later.
"Three two one! Happy new year!" Homer cheered. He blew a party horn. "My new year's resolution is to be more fun!" Homer, people are dead...
Selma took charge of the survivors. "People hear me out! I spent all night reading these survival manuals because as a lonely single woman I have nothing better to do..."
"Awwwwww!" The survivors felt sorry for her. And Sideshow Mel lives! It's a miracle!
"You're awwwwwws are cheap..." said Selma. "I'm looking for some action!"
All the men whistle like they're not interested in her.
"Thought so..." said Selma. "It says here, we should head upwards towards the hull!" She pointed out an inaccessible door high up where the new ceiling was now that the boat is upside down by the way. "Before the ocean starts filling this ship!"
"Don't listen to her!" Wiggum was being argumentative for some reason. "She'll get us all killed! The safest thing to do is resume all out normal activities..."
"Now where is that Rumba instructor?" Wiggum asked. The rumba instructor was being eaten head first by a shark. "So that's left right, left right. Come on people! Eh eh eh..."
The survivors ignored him and followed Selma up to the hull. They came to three door ways in a corridor.
"So which way do we go now in this god de flippety ship?!" Crazy old Jewish man asked sarcastically.
One door had water in it, one had fire and one had tigers roaring but waiting for the humans to pick their corridor. Why the hell was there tigers on a cruise liner?!
"Oh my!" said Marge. "What are we gonna do?!"
"Marge I found a bathroom..." said Homer. He was upside down on a toilet somehow. "What? I have great ass suction! Now a little privacy please!" Marge shut the toilet door on him. "My keys! He yelled.
...
Somehow Matt magically wrote them out of this dire situation! Not on my watch you hack!
The Simpsons and a few survivors are still picking a corridor out of the one with water, the one with fire and the one with tigers...
"Oh this is easy! Have we got buckets? Oh we have!" said Oscar. He took a bucket and went in the corridor flooded and scooped up some sea water and threw it in the fires snuffing them out.
"Excellent idea Oscar!" said Lisa. "Come on Bart!" The Simpsons took buckets and filled them with water from the flooded corridor and put out the fire in the burning one. Very soon the path was clear and safe to walk in. The passed down the formerly burning corridor now without fire.
The tigers growled in defeat.
"I told you we should have lunged at them Cornelius!" said a tiger.
"I was being polite!" Growled another in subtitles.
The survivors found themselves in a tall chimney stack they had to climb out off via a tall ladder.
Lenny chose to kill him self out of confusion and plunged to his death.
"It's not that confusing..." said Carl.
"I found a hatch! But it's locked!" said Lisa.
"Stand aside! I shall unlock it with my swiss army bone!" said Sideshow Mel. His bone he keeps in his hair had Swiss army implements. Also he had hair spray in to hold his style in place so we don't get aroused by Sexy Mel's hair do.
The hatch was unlocked. And they went in.
"I would have made them get the hexagonal key!" Oswald Spencer from Resident Evil ranted.
...
On the other side of the vent they came to a pool of water.
"Our escape is certain! Someone just needs to swim in this water, take a rope with them and tie it to the girders on the other side!" said Lisa.
Suddenly sharks lunged out of the water.
"All while dealing with hungry man eating sharks..." said Lisa.
"Hey I found a still operational radio!" said Oscar carrying a radio playing seventies music. "Whoopsie!" He dropped it. In the shark infested water, and because it was operating and thus connected to a power supply, it electrified the water, electrocuting the sharks.
"Brilliant! You saved us Oscar!" said Lisa.
"I did?" said Oscar.
"Yeah but someone still needs to swim in the water." said Homer.
"Stand aside! I shall do this!" said Comic Book Guy. He tied the rope round himself. "I just need some inspirational music!" His radio played a sad song. He cried.
"Ungh! Must I do everything?!" Homer groaned. He kicked Comic Book Guy into the water. He swam under the wall and out the other side and tied off the rope. Then he swam back, past the dead sharks but ate some chicken along the way because he needed the energy.
"I've done it! You're all gonna make it! Eeeeck! Except me! Tell everyone I saved your lives!" Comic Book Guy succumbed to a heart attack.
"Um no..." said Homer.
...
The survivors swam out to the access pool on the other side of propeller shafts A and B. Strangely despite the laws of physics and chemistry, there was fire inside one of the pools. Yes fire...
"Could be burning oil narrator..." said Lisa.
Smart ass...
Suddenly someone knocked on the metal wall of the hull. It's Ariel from the little mermaid!
"No! It's a rescue crew come to save us!" said Lisa.
"We're saved! said Mel. But he leaned on the wall as the rescue crew cut through it with a welding torch. His hair was set on fire and he ran around screaming.
"Oh I don't know what pains me more! The burning of the irony! Ooooooh! Can you believe it's the irony!" He uh died from his hair being briefly on fire...
Everyone escaped.
"Oh my god! Our boat is upside down!" said Homer being stupid.
Suddenly there was a ghostly fog. And from it sailed... The Bounty from Bart's story.
When the Bounty left the fog the mutineers turned into skeletons!
"Cooooool! Pirates of the Caribbean skeleton curse!" said skeleton Oscar.
Skeleton Milhouse sighed exasperated.
"Do you guys know the way to Tahiti?" Skeleton Bart asked the characters from the third story.
"Oh nice going bone head! You've sailed into someone else's story!" Skeleton Dolph yelled.
"Hey at least I'm not gay with skeleton Kerney." said Skeleton Bart.
"I told you our ribs got jammed together seventy five years ago!" said Kerney.
"Yeah you keep telling yourself that..." said Bart.
The end!
== Deleted scenes ==
*The original plot for the Mayflower story was that all the Simpsons were being chased out of town by angry townsfolk tossing rocks at them. There were also giant rats...
*Later during the journey they were gonna encounter Moe as a giant sea serpent.
"Raaaaawr! Yes I'm a sea serpent." said Moe the sea serpent.
"We still believe the seas beyond Europe are boiling hot and full of sea monsters." said Pilgrim Lisa.
Barney as a medieval times depiction of an Orca. A monster with horns, tusks and two spouts on its head for shooting out water, belched.
*Later in the journey, Homer and Marge eventually gave into temptation and stripped off. But God did a shame gesture at them and cursed them with a blizzard. They got dressed again.
*When they arrived in America Apu was one of the "Indians" (Native Americans).
"This extremely racist and inaccurate Matt! I'm from India!" Apu yelled.
"Yeah! Cut that out Matt!" Lisa as a pilgrim yelled.
*In an alternative ending they arrived on the Fourth Moon of Endor instead. And they got there in the Spirit of St Louis.
The Pilgrims all winced as they were held hostage at spear point by the Ewoks.
...
In Mutiny on the Bounty. Marlon Brando was part of the crew.
"You crazy coot! I don't know whether to kill you or kiss you!" said Marlon Brando referencing all his movies...
Bart as Fletcher winced.